Versatile Blogger Award

I am very excited that I was nominated for the versatile blogger award.

http://misformarriageandmotherhood.wordpress.com/ = Nominated me, thanks .

 So now I must tell you 7 things about me and nominate 15 others.

1. I secretly desire to have a baby so bad because I am scared the world is coming to an end soon and although I know I will be much happier in heaven, the human in me is freaking out because I want a baby like everyone else.

2. Some dont know, I changed my major from nursing to sonography (ultrasound). Its bittersweet, I so desire to make my patients feel comfortable, at ease, and smiling, but this will be less stress for the same money. (we all know I dont handle stress well).

3. I have a genetic disorder called MTHFR-polymorphism. This gene “mess up” causes blood clots and other health problems. This is dangerous for both me and a baby in my future but I will not let it stop me from having a child (or trying).

4.I love crocheting and I’m dying to learn more.

5.I have truly found myself this year. Going on the second year of marraige, had and lost our child, face my emotions.

6.My husband and I do really dream of having lots of acreage. I would love horses.

7. Im getting my own health insurance Jan. 1, 2012 for the first time since I was a child- WOOT!!!

Nominees (in no specific order)

definitely blogs i keep up with

1.http://daysofkay.wordpress.com/ — encouraging!

2.http://luckyredrabbit.com/ — same exact thoughts as mine.

3.http://kevinnicolephoto.wordpress.com/ — amazing pictures!

4.http://singingtipsblog.com/ — love reading these tips before I sing.

5.http://livingabsolute.wordpress.com/ — beautifully written.

6.http://ivebecomemyparents.com/ — funny!

7.http://gettingitsorted.wordpress.com/ — one of my favorite stillbirth blogs.

8.http://nightpsalms.wordpress.com/ — real random life.

9.http://courtneystrait.wordpress.com/ — the coolest read ever.

10.http://whocareswhoknows.com/ — true life.

11.http://mechellewright.wordpress.com/ – another life after loss sister.

12.http://keridwp.wordpress.com/ — inspiring poetry.

13.http://kazualkreative.com/ — organized and beautiful pictures

14.http://becomingerin.wordpress.com/ — watching life blossom

15.http://musingsilluminated.wordpress.com/ — same views, same wishes, beautiful.

So thats about it. Its good to know others read my blog, it feels like a good purge of thoughts  (like it actually matters that Im doing so).

[STILL itching like crazy. Im praying its nothing that can be fixed by something.]

Happy new year if I dont blog before then, I cant believe another year is ahead of us!

Thank God, A Cheerful Post

I think I finally let go of the anger I’ve been harboring the last couple of months… finally. It does not mean that it’s easy to hear about pregnancies or babies but I have less harsh of thoughts. Christmas evening was very therapeutic.

Thanks to another stillbirth mom blogger, I took her idea of letting off wishing lanterns on the beach. Before we went to the beach, we stopped at the park near home to take some pictures because Steven and I have NEVER taken ANY pictures since our wedding day (almost a year and 9 months ago). It was SO much fun and Im so thankful. My wonderful friend Kayla got a new camera for christmas and snapped these beautiful pictures.

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This was just wonderful. It was emotionally uplifting and just gave me a moment to smile which I havnt felt a true one in a while. Steven was in a bad mood at first but when he got to lighting the wishing lanterns he finally came around. Im just ready. Im ready for the new year. Im ready to move on. Im ready to get a house (we are on the search for our permanent home (YAY)). Im ready to start a family.

Two young women came up to us while we were lighting our lanterns and asked me what my wish was, I replied in a desperate and crazy blurting out “BABIES, I want babies!” lol, Now that I look back at that, its funny that I sounded so crazy, but thats what my mind is thinking. A group of Canadians that were down visiting the beach stopped and asked if they could pay us for one wishing lantern. The womans daughter was pregnant and they wanted to wish a healthy baby.My husband said, “you know what its Christmas… here, take one”…. It was God. In that quiet night with crashing waves, God reminded me that babies are still being made, life is still going on, and other people are still existing with beautiful children. And thats ok. I pray God gives us another, but if He dosnt, I pray he keeps me away from the bitterness that is so easy to harbor. It was nice to share this memorial experience with you all.

All for baby Seth.

remember…9-25-11

Merry Christmas

Exactly three months ago today, someone told us as we were sitting in our hospital room resting from laboring all night, that this (the death of our baby) would either pull us together or break us apart. We looked at each other and thought how could this ever pull us apart.

Three months later… It is Christmas and all of my friends just had babies, are having more babies, or pronouncing their upcoming babies on Facebook while I sit in this very dark corner of my mind, with nothing. I am in no mood to meet Christmas this morning. I dont want to open gifts, see gifts, even see family really. Steven repeatedly makes it clear, no babies…..

I used to be congradulated on my God given strength through this but something has just changed and I have become more bitter everyday. Knowing that you may  not have children for years, or have children at all, is the worst feeling a mother could ever have.

Now we know what they meant, this will break you, or make you. I feel broken…

Im still itching AWFULLY crazy and its been the worst Christmas morning this 20 years has ever had… If it wasnt for family expecting me to be present today, I would go back to bed and wake up for work tomorrow. Id rather be there anyways.

Happy Birthday Jesus…

A day off

Its so nice to have a day off. I crocheted and finished a project but its for my sister for Chrimstas so i cant post pictures till then.

My wishing lanters came in, cant wait to do that on Christmas.

I got 20 of them…

So Steven and I were supposed to do something today but… he didnt wake up till noon, then watched tv till 2:30, now its 3:30 and lo and behold, hes going to look at a job somewhere… so whatever. He dosnt have jobs to look at all week till Im home. So… Im going to crochet I guess.. I have a super headache.

Waiting

Warning other stillbirth moms: old pregnant picture at the end if you dont want to see, you might not want to read.

Just havnt been in the mood to blog lately… plus ive been so busy.

Some days are harder than others. Ive been keeping very busy with crocheting to pass time. Its hard. Its finally the time when all of the rest of my friends are having babies or trying to. Its just not fair. I still feel like crap to be honest. I have good days of course but I have bad days. Im just tired of these empty arms.Thursday I went to a dinner for work that had to do with reps selling this medicine and I saw a pregnant girl across the way. She was happy and smiling and prancing around. Honestly… I hated it. It was aggravating. I wanted to ask her to stop being annoying. I completely saw me in her. I remember laughing and my belly was so big that it jiggled up and down like Santa’s…

I guess my blogs have seemed pretty negative lately. I think its just with Christmas coming up and all thats going on at home, Im just not ready to face it. Thanksgiving was hard but Christmas will be harder.

Steven said hes not ready still. Its aggravating. I want to be pregnant again. I still hurt and I feel like thats the only way Im going to move on some. I want to be pregnant again. I want to feel a baby in my tummy. I want to throw up and feel dizzy all over again, and pee my pants, just so I can have my own baby to hold like everyone else. People who dont deserve kids, who treat their kids wrong, or give them up, or do drugs, or cant provide… they all got to have healthy babies.  I just wish Steven would get over it. Were never going to have everything we want before we have a kid so cant we just do it  now. We literally have everything from the baby shower. Crib, dressers, clothes, diapers, toys, bottles,…. everything. Im just obssessed and crazy about it and everything that has to do with babies hurts my feelings anymore.

Yesterday a box of infant enfamil formula and coupons came in the mail. It hurt. I took my name off of all junk mail registries so this wouldn’t happen and… it still did. We went to the mall yesterday and walked by Motherhood Maternity. I looked in and saw this laughing couple struggling to find which giant shirt fit this lady’s tummy the best… anger….

I dont want to say Im getting bitter but the longer I go with no hope that Steven will ever be ready to have a baby again, the longer I will feel angry. Its upsetting to hear every time I ask, “No I dont know when Ill be ready, we dont have to have children”… seriously… Its different being the mom. I felt being pregnant, I felt the baby move, all of 8 months. Its not like I just met him and left him and that was all I had of him. I grew a relationship with Seth. I would set my phone on my stomach and play old hymns to him and he would roll around and kick my phone off my stomache. I would lay in bed and roll to one side and feel his feet push against my ribs as he stretched out. I would stand for a long time and sit down to feel him perform his kickboxing moves. I just miss him.

I dont really have any hope for having more kids and that’s aggravating.  I miss him. Im not ready for Christmas. I just want to stay home these next couple of weeks and lay in bed and relax so my nerves stop freaking out. I miss everything I was supposed to have.  If I dont get pregnant soon I just feel like I have nothing. And getting pregnant is not an option when your husband dosnt want to.

So to my future baby,

I wish it was easy as Mary and Joseph in that first Christmas season, no man action required, just faithfulness and…viola- baby. You’re big brother is my heart beat. His name, life, and presence, was my everything. I just dont want to do it without you. I feel so lonely even though I had this same life before Seth and was very content. Im not anymore. Its selfish, but Im not. Get in Stevens head and just convince him its ok. I cant go another Christmas without you here. We have all this stuff waiting for you. I dont care if youre a girl and you have to wear all boy stuff, cause you will strut it baby doll. I dont care if your a boy and you look just like your big brother. I just want you healthy and here. Im okay with throwing up and peeing my pants and aching. Ill take it! Ill be happy about it this time! Christmas isnt all about family but its the thought of what you where supposed to be sharing at Christmas. Its hard. I hope I do not pass this gene to you and it is not difficult for you to have kids. I dont know how anyone could live without having a child of their own. When God sends you down here. Make it to me this time. I need to hold you soon. I miss this

P.S.- Thanks to Living absolute’s blog, I just bought some wishing lanterns to light on Christmas night at the beach…. Hope my husband doesn’t kill me for spending more money

Santa, dont come here this year

Yesterday was Steven’s business Christmas party. I didnt really want to go. All of the Christmas decor and children and happy people. I just wanted to sit by myself. I wished people would have stopped talking to me. Santa came to the party to surprise the kids… I stood in the back as all the kids went up and got their presents and were “wowed” at Santas appearance. When santa left, the kids ripped open their presents. One 3 year old boy ran up to his dad and said “Look dad!”. It was a play toy shaving kit with toy story characters on it. The dad pulled out all the stuff in it and showed the little boy how to use it. He began to “shave” his bare skin with a giant smile on his face. He giggled. I said “look Steven, hes so cute”. Just as I finished I spun around and lost it. I cried so hard I couldnt breathe. I dug My face in Stevens arm and just cried till I could control myself. We walked to the side of the house. All I could think about is how that could have been my little boy. Smiling into his daddy’s eyes, wanting to be just like him- shaving and tractor riding and running in circles in the yard. But it wasnt my son. It wasnt my life. This wasnt my dream. It hurts so bad to just see children. I cant stand it. Every time I see a little boy my throat closes up and my eyes water. I cant stand it. That could have been my son.

The night calmed down and people left eventually and I had a little bit of time to just breathe and not see any kids thankfully.

I came home last night and spent four hours making my first hairband!

Its beautiful . I stayed up till 1:30 AM making it but I love it and I wore it to church this morning… I should have taken a picture of that . SO…. I have my first customer buying a headband for someone <3 – Thanks ADAM PAUL HANNERS!!! I stinking love learning all this crocheting stuff.

Heres some coasters I made. You can tell which were my first ones and which ones I did last lol

Ive still been itching and feeling a little crazy. Just tired and emotional and anxious. Was supposed to start my period 4 days ago but idk,..Im not pregnant, took a test…. Wish I was, but we have a long time till that happens.

Gotta get ready for choir

Mess up

In the past two months… and two days, my life has been spun around, rung out, and whipped up more than ever. What hurts the most is that I hear and see people every day who are so “christian-like” but have NO desire to give mercy or grace? Didnt Christ do it for you. Where would you be if you made 1 stupid mistake and that was it, He just left you. You would have no life and no chance. Seriously. How many times have you disappointed God? (a billion) ok… how many times has he forgiven you? (all). How many times has someone hurt you? (once). How many times have you forgiven that person and realized we are humans who make mistakes and learn from them (none)…. < this is why people are turned off to christianity… Why should people follow other people who do not walk the talk… It makes me burn. I am so mad. I want to burn up everything I own and leave. Live under a bridge. Be free of all responsibility and have nothing but my husband and my soul. I hurt for people who hurt. For people who are broken, I cry for you. God has given me such a sensitive heart. Its good but its burdensome. I want to free people from their bondage and I cant. I want to beat up bullies who put other people down, but I cant.

Give a chance, we all mess up.

Kick me while Im down, go ahead

Im just so angry. For the first time ever, I cannot blog about what I need to because its embarrassing. All I can say is Im so angry. Im so upset. I learned today that people let you down. People you love. I have everything I dont need and nothing that I do need. I will just be up all night. My skin is crawling, the itching is worse. I took the steroids today because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. For the first time in a while I just truly would not care if all of my belongings burned up and God took me up. Its quiet here. I just hurt. My body aches. Like I have said before, stillbirth changes people and sometimes its not for the better. If the cemetery was open I would lay on the ground and pound my fist and scream and sleep there on the ground. My eyes burn. I only stop hyperventilating when I cry. I feel like I have no men left in my life. Dad, Seth…. How am I going to do this. My head is pounding. I dont want to go to work this week but no one will pay the bills if I dont.Im not going to sleep tonight, its just been one of the hardest weeks Ive had. I guess Ill crochet tonight.

I went to Seth’s grave yesterday to deorate a little. Its just pitiful looking with no headstone yet.

Those are solar lights (the red and white striped things)….

Seth baby, I just need to you give momma a little extra push. I really need you here to hold and cry on me and pass you around. I am really alone and my head hurts so bad. Lets just wake up from this bad dream. The days are never getting easier.

[The singing went fine on Sunday. Im very hard on myself and I dont think I did good but everyone said I did. I would post a video but Im that self conscious.]

I need some relief God, PLEASE IM BEGGING, stop taking people away from me, stop interrupting life. I will take a normal boring life, Ive said it before, IM REALLY OK with that. I cant stand being alone and feeling this messed up. I feel like someone beat me up (dont worry no one did).Please just give me a break, let me take a breather before you slam me with something else again.

Can you tell Im nervous?

This is my third post about singing today so I bet you can tell its geting to me.

Besides my beautiful sister who will always be my best friend (and whom Im lucky to have and I love with all of my heart), I am lucky to have met another wonderful friend. Id say at least 7 years ago, cause I know I knew her in 8th grade. Kayla- you encourage me so much. You know exactly what to say. God has used you and your spiritual maturity to bless me. Even though you have not been through some of the “adult” situations that I have- you always know what to say and do for those situations and why is it? Because you follow God and listen to His voice. God will and is using you. Thank you for thinking of me this morning as I’m trying to get myself together. I want to sing with passion and clear and unafraid and bring people closer to the Lord. She sent me these verses:

Isaiah 25:1

 ¹ LORD, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness
you have done wonderful things,
things planned long ago.

and

Isaiah 43:2-4

² When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
³ For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.

and

Isaiah 41:1

¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Thank you Kayla for being such a good friend and encouraging by faith. God has gifted you with such positivity and encouragement. These verses are exactly what I need, I need to live them out by faith.

Bust it out

Tonight was the sunday school Christmas party. It was honestly a little depressing for me. I just didnt want to get around. All I can think about is Seth and singing tomorrow at church… I miss my son and Christmas is not going to be the same.

I went and bought a new shirt to wear tomorrow so I feel good about myself. I am just a wreck.

I WILL DO PERFECT.

I WILL NOT SHAKE.

I WILL BUST THIS OUT.

*breathe…..*