So I need to just update quick because I still have a lot of studying to do and I have to leave for work in an hour….
I have a B average in physics, I hope it stays that way. I cried yesterday because I didnt get chapter three and then we went on to chapter 4. I am actually getting the hang of chapter 4 very well so all I need to do is STUDY STUDY STUDY ALL night long and maybe I can do well on my test tomorrow. I am praying, I DONT want to take this dumb class again with this STUPID teacher…
In baby news!!!! —->
I went to talk to my new OB yesterday. He is WONDERFUL!!! He listens, I dont feel rushed, He is kind and compassionate. He told me “losing a baby is a terrible experience and we will do everything we can to make this the best pregnancy possible”.- Now THAT is what I wanted to hear! lol. He said he sees no reason to put me on asprin or blood pressure meds because Im stable right now and he said I will have a TON more visits than a normal pregnancy and they will do a lot of testing on me including extra ultrasounds, blood tests, and a non-stress test in the third trimester. Hes very nice and reassuring that he will take care of me and he comes across as being interested in my pregnancy, not just my doctor getting me out of the office so he can go eat lunch.
Hes SOOO short lol, Hes like 4 foot tall and Im 5’8 so its funny standing next to him.
The office offers 4d ultrasounds with pictures and dvd’s and teddy bears with the baby’s heart beat in them… Its neat, they have a lot of options. These are things that I never did with Seth and It kind of stinks because I could have had a little piece to hold on to… It is VERY expensive though.
Im having my first ultrasound on May 22nd. Im praying with ALL of my might that there will be a good heartbeat. If I kept track of everything right, I SHOULD be 6 weeks and 4 days. SO- pray pray pray.
This is nerve wracking! I cant wait till this class is over cause Im gonna crochet my brains out to relax! wish me luck on staying up all night and studying, I NEED to pass this quiz.
Good thoughts, good thoughts lol. Im just all paranoid and freaked out. I called this new OB that I was recommended to see by someone who has the same condition as me. Of course Doctors are too good to talk to their … Continue reading →
This amazes me as much as it does you. IM PREGNANT! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. Ok so I’m very excited and so so happy, there is nothing more that I have wanted and it could not have happened at a better time. I am very leery of letting people know but I splurged it on facebook today because Steven was mad that I wasnt telling people. I guess that is good to hear from him but I dont think he knows the terrifying feeling that I have. I am TERRIFIED that something may go wrong. I am only 4 weeks and 2 days but as my husband told me, what matters if you lost the baby at 6 weeks or 36 weeks, people will find out.We live in a close knit town and go to a close knit church and have lets just say, blabber mouth friends tehehe. And this is true, so while this is real and while this is happening I want to celebrate! with all of my insane mood swings and tears, with every ounce of indigestion, with every gas bubble, belly ache, and yes- with every vomit filled morning – I welcome you my rainbow* angel baby! You are the center of my world right now (well, Im still thinking of physics too for about 3 more weeks lol).
What I am scared of – I have MTHFR. This could mean my blood could clot and deprive angel baby of needed bloodflow. So I PRAY with all of my might that every day God will breathe into this baby and give it the life that it needs to meet me in 36 weeks.
I am going to call the doctor tomorrow to ask a few questions. Someone at work who also has MTHFR saw this doctor and said he is the best around and after looking him up online there was not 1 bad review out of every review written (that is a miracle for doctors around here lol).
I need to ask
1. Will I see Dr.F every time when I come in since this is a large practice?
2. Do I come in earlier than recommended because Ive had a previous stillbirth?
3. Do I need to be taking asprin while waiting for my first visit so my blood is not clotted to the baby?
4.What are your hours?
I need to ask the Dr.
1. Am I high risk?
2. Will I be on blood thinners?
3. Will there be any extra monitering?
4. My blood pressure was high, I stopped taking my medicines and its back to normal, should I still be taking the meds or should I just be keeping a record?
5. Why have I been itching on and off for a year? Is it more than stress, I have a suspicion of what it could be since it falls in line with MTHFR mutations but I dont want to freak myself out, how have my past blood works turned out or is there new blood work to make sure that I am ok?
Yes… Im doing this because back to the note-taking it is. Pregnancy brain (fuzziness) has already set in and I have sticky notes with things to do laying all over the house.
OH AND- I bought one of these babies!-
The Sonoline B fetal doppler! I heard its great and I think it will make me feel more at ease, these are must have things for women who have experienced miscarriage and/or stillbirth. I read awesome reviews and it looks like ussually around 9 weeks is when you can hear with this doppler and it shows you the heart rate on the screen = <3.
Ok… I cant think straight lol, Im going to finish studying for my test tomorrow and soak it in and I am more than anxious about talking to the doctors office tomorrow.
Stay safe rainbow baby
*for those of you who do not know: women who have lost a baby and then have another often refer to the following living baby as a rainbow baby.
Rainbow babies: In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as “Rainbow Babies.” The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. “Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.*
They were so nice Im very happy that everyone in the office took time to talk to me.
The doctor said to start with, I need to
1. loose 20 lbs. (ugh that sounds so hard, I dont even know what to do)
2. do cardio exercise every day
3. take a vitamin and 1mg of folic acid
4. keep track of my blood pressure.
He said Im too young to be having high blood pressure like I’ve had. He thinks I might have kidney problems like renal stenosis and/or thyroid problems so I have to go get a bunch of blood taken and pee in a bucket for a day (and keep in in an ice bucket) so he can look at all the labs. Im honestly terrified that the results will come back with something scary.
We discussed basically getting in shape, my weird problems, and stevens heart problem. The doctor was concerned about his bicuspid aortic valve and told me that he needs to see a cardiologist since he has not been seeing a doctor.
So anyways, I go back on valentines day for my next appt.
In other news, we were supposed to go on vacation and now…. well now we have all of these unexpected bills from a problem that my husband ran into and i dont think well have money to go now… UGH SO ANGRY. I WANT TO GET AWAY. I just want to cry cause I cant stand it, I need a break. We havnt gone on vacation since our honeymoon almost 2 years ago, and all we did then was take 3 days off and go fishing.
so … thats it for today. I have tomorrow off. I need to crochet, do schoolwork, lose weight, and chillax cause I feel like Im gonna pass out from all this junk.
night.
UPDATE:
Ok, its 10 PM… I did my first day of P90X to lose some weight, it was a work out of 1hr. and 15 min. Worked on Chest, back, and abs…. BUT my whole body feels like its going to snap in half lol… WOW I did not realize how NOT in shape I was. This is going to be hard but I have to lose the weight so here it goes. Glad I got through the first of 90 days of pure craziness!
I think I finally let go of the anger I’ve been harboring the last couple of months… finally. It does not mean that it’s easy to hear about pregnancies or babies but I have less harsh of thoughts. Christmas evening was very therapeutic.
Thanks to another stillbirth mom blogger, I took her idea of letting off wishing lanterns on the beach. Before we went to the beach, we stopped at the park near home to take some pictures because Steven and I have NEVER taken ANY pictures since our wedding day (almost a year and 9 months ago). It was SO much fun and Im so thankful. My wonderful friend Kayla got a new camera for christmas and snapped these beautiful pictures.
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This was just wonderful. It was emotionally uplifting and just gave me a moment to smile which I havnt felt a true one in a while. Steven was in a bad mood at first but when he got to lighting the wishing lanterns he finally came around. Im just ready. Im ready for the new year. Im ready to move on. Im ready to get a house (we are on the search for our permanent home (YAY)). Im ready to start a family.
Two young women came up to us while we were lighting our lanterns and asked me what my wish was, I replied in a desperate and crazy blurting out “BABIES, I want babies!” lol, Now that I look back at that, its funny that I sounded so crazy, but thats what my mind is thinking. A group of Canadians that were down visiting the beach stopped and asked if they could pay us for one wishing lantern. The womans daughter was pregnant and they wanted to wish a healthy baby.My husband said, “you know what its Christmas… here, take one”…. It was God. In that quiet night with crashing waves, God reminded me that babies are still being made, life is still going on, and other people are still existing with beautiful children. And thats ok. I pray God gives us another, but if He dosnt, I pray he keeps me away from the bitterness that is so easy to harbor. It was nice to share this memorial experience with you all.
Warning other stillbirth moms: old pregnant picture at the end if you dont want to see, you might not want to read.
Just havnt been in the mood to blog lately… plus ive been so busy.
Some days are harder than others. Ive been keeping very busy with crocheting to pass time. Its hard. Its finally the time when all of the rest of my friends are having babies or trying to. Its just not fair. I still feel like crap to be honest. I have good days of course but I have bad days. Im just tired of these empty arms.Thursday I went to a dinner for work that had to do with reps selling this medicine and I saw a pregnant girl across the way. She was happy and smiling and prancing around. Honestly… I hated it. It was aggravating. I wanted to ask her to stop being annoying. I completely saw me in her. I remember laughing and my belly was so big that it jiggled up and down like Santa’s…
I guess my blogs have seemed pretty negative lately. I think its just with Christmas coming up and all thats going on at home, Im just not ready to face it. Thanksgiving was hard but Christmas will be harder.
Steven said hes not ready still. Its aggravating. I want to be pregnant again. I still hurt and I feel like thats the only way Im going to move on some. I want to be pregnant again. I want to feel a baby in my tummy. I want to throw up and feel dizzy all over again, and pee my pants, just so I can have my own baby to hold like everyone else. People who dont deserve kids, who treat their kids wrong, or give them up, or do drugs, or cant provide… they all got to have healthy babies. I just wish Steven would get over it. Were never going to have everything we want before we have a kid so cant we just do it now. We literally have everything from the baby shower. Crib, dressers, clothes, diapers, toys, bottles,…. everything. Im just obssessed and crazy about it and everything that has to do with babies hurts my feelings anymore.
Yesterday a box of infant enfamil formula and coupons came in the mail. It hurt. I took my name off of all junk mail registries so this wouldn’t happen and… it still did. We went to the mall yesterday and walked by Motherhood Maternity. I looked in and saw this laughing couple struggling to find which giant shirt fit this lady’s tummy the best… anger….
I dont want to say Im getting bitter but the longer I go with no hope that Steven will ever be ready to have a baby again, the longer I will feel angry. Its upsetting to hear every time I ask, “No I dont know when Ill be ready, we dont have to have children”… seriously… Its different being the mom. I felt being pregnant, I felt the baby move, all of 8 months. Its not like I just met him and left him and that was all I had of him. I grew a relationship with Seth. I would set my phone on my stomach and play old hymns to him and he would roll around and kick my phone off my stomache. I would lay in bed and roll to one side and feel his feet push against my ribs as he stretched out. I would stand for a long time and sit down to feel him perform his kickboxing moves. I just miss him.
I dont really have any hope for having more kids and that’s aggravating. I miss him. Im not ready for Christmas. I just want to stay home these next couple of weeks and lay in bed and relax so my nerves stop freaking out. I miss everything I was supposed to have. If I dont get pregnant soon I just feel like I have nothing. And getting pregnant is not an option when your husband dosnt want to.
So to my future baby,
I wish it was easy as Mary and Joseph in that first Christmas season, no man action required, just faithfulness and…viola- baby. You’re big brother is my heart beat. His name, life, and presence, was my everything. I just dont want to do it without you. I feel so lonely even though I had this same life before Seth and was very content. Im not anymore. Its selfish, but Im not. Get in Stevens head and just convince him its ok. I cant go another Christmas without you here. We have all this stuff waiting for you. I dont care if youre a girl and you have to wear all boy stuff, cause you will strut it baby doll. I dont care if your a boy and you look just like your big brother. I just want you healthy and here. Im okay with throwing up and peeing my pants and aching. Ill take it! Ill be happy about it this time! Christmas isnt all about family but its the thought of what you where supposed to be sharing at Christmas. Its hard. I hope I do not pass this gene to you and it is not difficult for you to have kids. I dont know how anyone could live without having a child of their own. When God sends you down here. Make it to me this time. I need to hold you soon. I miss this
P.S.- Thanks to Living absolute’s blog, I just bought some wishing lanterns to light on Christmas night at the beach…. Hope my husband doesn’t kill me for spending more money
Today I have been more than anxious. I suppose it is my anxiety getting the best of me. I have had bad chest pain for days. Thankfully I do EKG’s for a living, so I did one a couple weeks ago when I was having chest pain and of course it looked fine. It’s just scary. My body has had stabbing pains here and there since I got home from the hospital. Headaches, hard to breathe (feels like my throat is closing and I can’t get a breath), fatigue, numbness, clammy. I can’t stand it, It makes me feel so helpless and especially when I’m at work I just want to go home and cry so I will fall asleep and forget that I’m feeling anxious. I am scared of doctors, even though I talk to them all day. I do not want to take medicine that will turn me into a zombie or gain weight. It sounds selfish and childish huh? Who would not want to feel better? I really do want to feel better but I feel like there has to be some other way. Can’t I control it myself? I have been fighting this for years. Actually, it’s been a long scary battle since about the age of 10. It’s terrifying, to live in fear. I fear death, illness, accidents, loneliness, infertility, instability… It doesn’t go away. I try to breathe, I try music, and I try praying, reading…. I’m not going to lie, knowing my Jesus is near helps but why doesn’t he take it away? Will I have to live like this forever? I really fear now that I will “throw a clot” in ER nursing terms (lol). This MTHFR, which I shouldn’t worry about like I do, really does have effects on my life, such as never using birth control (what if I have a kid when I’m forty??? I don’t really want that), being at risk for other medical issues- it’s just scary.
I bought this music from “Bed Bath and Beyond”
It’s beautiful. I listened to the Yellow one when I was pregnant and when I was in labor. It’s hard to listen to that one again because I vividly remember my labor and the hospital and Seth when I hear that CD. I bought the other two tonight because I liked the first one so much. I think they are the coolest CD’s I’ve ever bought. I guess I’m turning into a real mom- listening to old boring fogies piano music that has no words lol . They are just so beautiful and calming. I am such an art hippie at heart. I could sit and bask in art and music any day. I will listen to almost anything and look at almost any artwork and be amazed and caught up. I can critique and find deeper meanings for hours. I can be inspired and let my mind wander for hours. It’s beautiful. I miss making time for art. I miss painting and drawing. I pray I will never forget to pick it back up when I am all finished with school (school and work and husband eat my time away).
Today was my mother-in-laws birthday. Happy birthday Krista! Thank you for giving me my wonderful husband! Steven and I picked out this cookie jar for her yesterday , it’s so cute.
She told me tonight that she bought P90X so lol.. maybe I can join in and lose this baby fat. That will be fun (but hard core).
I also bought my mom her birthday present tonight, of course I can’t tell yet what it is but yeah, it’s almost here momma, November 28th!
I finally finished my first class at Keiser! I am so excited. I think I got an A but I have to wait till grades are posted, I hope I got an A! I start my next class on Monday so I WILL enjoy this weekend off work with no school . I am going to practice crocheting, maybe see an old friend this weekend, clean, and maybe put up the Christmas tree. (I am still working on my book from Angie Smith. I know it’s taking me forever but I’m almost done, I’ve just been so busy with school, work, choir, crocheting (or trying to learn how). It’s also a book that you cannot read all at once, I cry every time I read more of it.
I really am getting anxious about Seth’s headstone coming in. I want to see it. I also am waiting for a call from the hospital to see the pictures they took of Seth; they are waiting for them to come in. I’m not sure I’m ready to see them but I miss him and I want to see him one more time. I’m sick of looking at the same few pictures I have, I feel like I need to see him some other way, it makes it seem like he’s still around if I can see him in some more pictures other than what I have seen over and over these last couple of months.
There is no way we are ready to have another baby but I can’t stand seeing all of that baby stuff we have sitting there not being used. I don’t want to give it away. I want to use it. I want to use every bit of it up till it’s worn out completely. I don’t want to put anything away. I want it up.
My dear next child, you are not a replacement and I don’t want you ever to think that. When God decides it is the right time for you to come along, we will love you with all of our hearts. You will change my life forever. Don’t ever give up. Don’t ever be weak. You were made for God’s glory. You were made to survive and be here for your mommy and daddy. You were not made to help me forget about Seth. You will not fill the void Seth left. There is a reason he left a mark. Only people who impact others in a significant way will leave a mark that makes you think of them EVERY DAY- Seth was one of those people. There’s a reason I think of him every day, because he changed me. He gave me the desire to have more kids. I always said no more when I was pregnant with him but look; here you are, waiting for God to send you to me. Keep me busy my next child, keep me focused and waiting for you. Will you take away some of my anxiety? When you decide to come, don’t let me fear through my pregnancy. Just come, healthy and beautiful. Boy or girl, defect or not (although I will definitely not complain for a healthy peewee), I will love you just the way you are because God made you fearfully and wonderfully just for me. You will be my love. You already are.
Love,
Momma.
I have not forgotten about you Seth nor will I ever. You were my first. You are the reason I’m here today. You are my story. You are my life. I breathe so I can think of you. You are my son. I am your mom. I promise to never forget you. I could never go one day, not even one second without you crossing my mind. You were the baby we were all anxiously waiting for, the one we anxiously held in our arms, and anxiously said goodbye to. Sometimes I feel like phone-ing you in heaven and just chatting. I just want to know how you’re doing even though I know you’re being taken care of perfectly; it’s the mom in me. Are you eating right, are you sleeping enough, are you cold? Stupid questions but that’s what earthly moms ask their earthly children . You wouldn’t know because you were too beautiful for earth. Tell your poppa, my poppa and baby Eli Rolle we miss them.
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
I am the thorn in Your crown But You love me anyway I am the sweat from Your brow But You love me anyway I am the nail in Your wrist But You love me anyway I am Judas’ kiss But You love me anyway See now, I am the man who yelled out from the crowd For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground Yes then, I turned away with a smile on my face With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace And then alone in the night, I still called out for You So ashamed of my life, my life, my life But You love me anyway It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known Yes,You love me anyway Oh Lord, how You love me
Today I worked 6am-2pm. I was sooo tired, I still am. I started off my routine EKG’s today by first of all having to go to the OB floor because the cardiac overflow is on one side of that floor and the birthing suites are on the other. On my way to that floor a big bellied woman stopped me and asked where the birthing suites are. I looked over at her big belly, packed bags, and swollen face, and jittery husband. I said oh…. and couldn’t get anything more out. Finally after what seemed like eternity I spit out, just follow me, I’m going there. She seemed really scared. I asked if she was being induced on this early morning and she replied yes, this is my second but I’m still so nervous. I wanted to excitedly interject with “I had my son a month and a half ago and it was a breeze, he was beautiful but he passed away.” Oh, I’m sure that would make her feel better! So I just quietly took them to the elevator and on the awkward ride up she said “So… Are the birthing suites nice here”…. I don’t know I only lost my son in one of those… What was I supposed to say? I actually said – “Yeah I’m sure they’re nice, the ones in the cape are big.”…. when I rushed off the elevator I felt like I was gonna get sick everywhere but I felt better a few minutes later. I went to the first room and get the EKG and as Im pulling the leads off and the P.A. comes in and asks the patient how he was doing and he starts to sob- “My wife just died a few weeks ago. We were together for 60 years and we lived in assisted living together and now Im lonely. I blow her a kiss to her picture every day. I asked God to take me to her but He dosn’t listen. He does not care about me.” I cried. Every time I said something he talked over me so i just let him talk about how beautiful his wife was and about all his grandkids. The P.A. finally spoke up and I left the room quietly.
Later I went to the ER to help a co-worker who was getting slammed, we were over our bed count. We are a heart and kidney hospital so we rarely get trauma unless its a true emergency and the patient CANT make the drive to LEE. Well, we got a traffic trauma alert today and my co-worker came out of the room and said he didn’t make it. His chest was all deformed and his bones were all mushed to one side from doing CPR for so long. I believe he was only in his 20′s. It was sad. He was in that room for a long time before they moved him to the morgue.
I walked to triage because one of the nurses wanted to talk to me. We sat down between triaging patients and she told me her story. She has MTHFR (homozygous), Factor 5 Leiden, and thrombosis. She said since she was 19 she has had 2 pulmonary embolisms and 5 DVT’s. She gave birth to a wonderful boy 7 years ago who would not have made it if it wasnt for her supportive doctors. She said she went against advice and carried the baby to full term (she did start labor at 7 months but they were able to stop it and she had to be on bed rest for 2 months). She got her tubes tied because she could not safely be on any birth control and her doctors advised her not to have another child for the sake of her and her baby’s life. I could tell she wanted more children and she was saddened by it. She gave me the name of a specialist OBGYN who dealt with her MTHFR (I’m C677T heterozygous) and the name of a hematologist that she and her family has seen. Its good to finally find a doctor who knows what there talking about.
Now… I want to have a baby but Im actually praying that I dont get pregnant too soon because I dont want to miscarry from this disorder within the first three months that Im waiting to get insurance and go see these specialists. Yeah, Im mad, I have to wait 90 days to get insurance since I moved fom PRN to part time. Ugh, Ive been an employee there, why does it start all over . If I do get pregnant and make it that far I pray that my insurance would still take me, its not my fault that waited 90 STUPID days!
I didnt get to crochet tonight because I made food for the week for work and Im working on homework now so hopefully tomorrow. I cant wait till I have off Friday, Im so tired.
Friday will be hard. My friends wedding is that day. Thats the day Seth was supposed to be born November 11,2011… It will be hard to go to the wedding honestly. I really want to be there but It will be so hard. I know I’m going to cry a lot on Friday. I just cant wait to relax this weekend though.
I miss you son. I cry at random moments and long for you all of the time. You make me emotional but you make me appreciate life and all of the beautiful people I have and all of the wonderful things I have. I look at people differently. I no longer judge by looks. I honestly ball my eyes out when I see the homeless on 41 or in the hospitals on these cool nights. I cry when I think about how grateful I am to have such a loving mother who has been my best friend all these years whether or not either of us realized it. I cry when I think of all of the sleepless nights I could have had with you Seth. All of the truck toys that I may have stepped on while getting up to check on you in the middle of the night, All of the tractor rides with your daddy, All of the hugs and kisses and excitement, poopey diapers, warm spit up…. I miss it. I miss what I never had.
God does hear me. He cries with me. He wept when Lazuraus died because he felt the pain that Mary and Martha felt, He knew it hurt. He knows it hurts.
He is here to stay. Seth is there to stay. This is not my home.
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering All the while, You hear each spoken need Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops What if Your healing comes through tears What if a thousand sleepless nights Are what it takes to know You’re near What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love As if every promise from Your Word is not enough All the while, You hear each desperate plea And long that we’d have faith to believe
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us When darkness seems to win We know that pain reminds this heart That this is not, this is not our home It’s not our home
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near What if my greatest disappointments Or the aching of this life Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy And what if trials of this life The rain, the storms, the hardest nights Are Your mercies in disguise
So today was the start of a very long work week. I have to work the next eight days in a row (yay for work, poo for tiredness and not seeing my husband). Im pretty much sad that I wont really get to see Steven this weekend at all when hes home because Ill be working.
OK, tonight- I am forcing myself to blog because I want to BUT I feel terrible. I dont feel sick or sad. I just feel…fuzzy. Very FuZzY. I feel mentally messed up. All my thoughts in my head are more jumbled than normal and It gives me anxiety so when I got off work at 7pm I came straight to my bedroom. I just feel like I cant get words out right and I feel REALLY slow. I hate this feeling. ugh. I wish my husband was here…. OK, I change my mind- now Im sad lol.
Todays topics are health and music.
Health:
It is amazing and almost terrifying working in healthcare. I see so many things that it scares me to even think about going to the hospital (and I work at one!). A few scenarios if you would,
1) a couple weeks ago a man comes into the ER, the EMT’s are doing CPR as they come in. He was put in one of the major rooms and there were like fifty people there trying to figure out what to do. The doctor got the little history of the patient that the EMT’s could provide and he urged the nurse (male) to switch places with the EMT and continue CPR. After a few minutes the doctor was agitated that they were not getting any results from the CPR. He brought in an ultrasound machine and looked at the man’s heart, It was not beating, he said this out loud. I stood in the corner of the room and tears ran down my face because those were the words that I heard when we found out Seth was no longer with us. I had to be strong and breathe deep and keep my ground, this is work, this is someones life. The cardiologist yelled out I feel a pulse, am I the only one who feels this pulse? The ER doctor (lets just call him John Doe for ease of writing) shook his head and said I don’t know what your talking about, I feel nothing AND his heart is not beating.Doc John Doe asked the EMT how long it had been that we had been doing CPR and they replied- 15 minutes. John said… I think we should stop, this guy won’t come back after this long. The cardiologist said “NO! keep going!”. (Keep in mind, the cardiologists do not stay in the ER it was pure lucky chance and the grace of God that he was there). They continued for another ten minutes in which John Doe did not agree with and simply left the room because of it. I too had left the room because even if this guy came back to life, he would not need an EKG, the first thing they would do is whisk him off to the cath lab. After 25 minutes of CPR, this mans heart started beating! The ultrasound machine showed a beating heart he had a full good carotid pulse! Like I thought they whisked him off BUT, if that cardiologist was not in there by chance, that man would have never made it that night thanks to John Doe……
2) Tonight, there were hall beds out the ying yang! I know it’s season and snowbirds are coming back but GEEZ, there is no chance of getting a break when you see patients stacked against the wall all the way down the halls and people are yelling for water and blankets and food and whining about the tests that are being ran.
3) The doctors in the ER are normal people, but they are extra whiny normal people. They throw papers, they curse, they complain, they fight with other doctors, they get tired, they are almost always rude to us techs…. Whatever, dont take it out on me. Take care of your patients.
4) I asked a new echo tech where he went to school today. He said UCF. In return he asked what I was going to school for and I replied Diagnostic medical sonography which maybe I could test into echocardiography to do echos if I Please since there is a demand for that right now. He said “ugh, regular ultrasounds. Those are so gross, you see giant boobs and black toes and blistered legs… Im not into all that nasty stuff”. SERIOUSLY, if it wasnt for people who did these kinds of things, imagine how many people would be hopeless. This is so important! I know if I was the one with black toes, I would want someone to treat me equally as kind and make me feel like everything will be alright and I will make it. People need hope and only special people in this world can give it. I hope I can be one of those people. I want people to be comforted by the fact that I don’t care about the shape their body is in, Im here to do a test so you can get better, end of story- find comfort, Im not looking at you differently because you are ill- thats why your here and Im here. I didnt talk to the new guy any more after that, I thought it was inconsiderate.
5) My personal experience- I was told that I had MTHFR.WHY would I not want to make myself feel better?I do not know enough about the biological processes. I swear, if I had the determination I would be the best darn doctor EVER because I would have so much passion. I want to fix everyone and I truly care about EVERY patient that I see,
6) When I had my baby at the hospital (which I did not want to do because I wanted to have him at the birthing center) I was terrified. I literally had NOTHING but my phone with me when I walked in there. When I needed to take a shower, there were no wash cloths, soap or shampoo- SERIOUSLY, Im a woman having a baby here and you cant give me some freakin stuff to take a shower with??? I literally had to have someone bring me stuff from home so I could shower. The VHS player (yes I said VHS player) was not working so I could not watch the video on the epidural (that was probably a sign from God that I was not going to get the epidural lol). The floor was old and dingy. They were remodeling in the room next to me and all I could hear was an electric sander or drill or something for a long time when I first came in and thankfully the midwife went and told them to stop.
Enough of my ranting. Im sure you all are now terrified of hospitals lol.. that was not my point. They are a good place but they are also filled with people and people are flawed and they make mistakes and get tired and lose passion just like every other normal person on this earth.
On to my favorite topic MUSIC -So I want to share a couple of songs that I heard today.
This Song I heard today for the first time.
I am the sea on a moonless night,
Calling, falling, slipping tides
I am the leaky, dripping pipes
The endless aching drops of light
I am the raindrop falling down,
Always longing for the deeper ground
I am the broken, breaking seas
Even my blood finds ways to bleed
Even the rivers ways to run
Even the rain to reach the sun
Even my thirsty streams,
Even in my dreams
I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you
I am the thorn stuck in your side
I am the one that you left behind,
I am the dried up doubting eyes
Looking for the well that wouldn’t run dry
Running hard for the other side
The world that Ive always been denied
Running hard for the infinite
With the tears of the saints and hypocrites
Oh blood of black and white and gray
Death and life and night and day
One by one by one
We let our rivers run
I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you
Cause I can’t feel you breathing,
I can’t feel you reaching
Pushing through the ceiling
Making for the feeling
More than just a feeling
Pushing through the ceiling
Until the final healing
Looking for you
Until the sea of glass we meet
At last completed and complete
The tide of tear and pain subside
Laughter drinks them dry
I’ll be waiting
Anticipating
All that I aim for
What I was made for
With every heartbeat
All of my blood bleeds
Running inside me
Looking for you
Looking for you
I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you
This is just so beautiful. I have ALWAYS loved Switchfoot. They articulate so well. They get the point across so beautifully, this is pure poetry. MMmm, so delicious I just want to eat it up! This is all my thoughts sometimes. I just want to find rest in Him. This world is so broken and we desire whether we realize it or not to touch Him, to feel Him.
Then there is this song
“Not Alone”
Slowly fading away
You’re lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold
Looking for a distant light
Someone who could save a life
You’re living in fear that no one will hear your cries
Can you save me now
I am with you I will carry you through it all I won’t leave you I will catch you When you feel like letting go Cause your not, your not alone
Your heart is full of broken dreams Just a fading memory And everything’s gone but the pain carries on Lost in the rain again When will it ever end The arms of relief seem so out of reach But I, I am here
I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won’t leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause your not, your not alone
And I’ll be your hope when you feel like its over And I will pick you up when your whole world shatters And when you’re finally in my arms Look up and see love has a face
I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won’t leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause you’re not, you’re not alone
And I will be your hope
And I will pick you up
And I will be your hope
And I will be your hope
Slow fading away
Your lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold
I heard this song multiple times before I lost Seth and today I heard it for the first time since I was pregnant…. I cant say what Im feeling any better than how these songs say it. They leave me speechless.
you HAVE to check him out.He puts the smile in my day. Him and Zach could make me smile for all eternity lol.
… Today God has taught me to love others. I talked to two women today who have gone through some painful times. Things that I have experienced, I hope he led me to say the right things. That was my lesson though. Love. Love unconditionally. Love without judgement. Love till you cant love anymore. People need it and dont get enough of it today.
I myself and not perfect and I have felt down about myself. i dont feel pretty enough. I dont feel like a good enough wife. I just wish there was some way I could feel TRULY safe and comfortable. That no one else more beautiful or enticing will walk into my husbands life. He is so conservative and he would NEVER do that lol, hes SOOOO good to me, its just an irrational fear. REALLY irrational lol. I guess I just want to feel more beautiful and I want to give him butterflies like when we were dating. I want to make him happy. Isnt that every couples desire, to make their spouse fall in love with them every day?
I am MADLY in love with my husband. He was the guy who ASKED if he could kiss me and ASKED if he could hold my hand- thats right, I found him, the greatest man in the world lol.
<3
oh my word, I have to stop writing such long blogs. Its not sane to talk to yourself this long .
Goodnight.
P.S.- I love my mom and sister, they give me a smile and hope.
, it’s so cute.
. If I do get pregnant and make it that far I pray that my insurance would still take me, its not my fault that waited 90 STUPID days!
