truths in real life

Today I was having a rough day. It is easy to get very overwhelmed and burdened by the things of this world. It is easy to forget that I need to let small things make me happy. Driving in the car is when I have enough time to myself to think about everything. It is the most dangerous time of the day for my emotions. All I could think about today was my dear momma. I just want her to feel better and there is no other way for me to express how bad I want that then to just try and fix everything, which I can’t. But God can. God is bigger than all of this and He will show himself. 

I started to have a pity party. Why would God take my dad, why would He take my son- my baby, why would He allow cancer to exist and why would He not stop one of His faithful, my momma, to be exempt from it. Why do other 21 year olds not have these problems. Sometimes it’s hard to walk around in this world, go to class and work, and not have anyone to talk to about it. It is easy to feel like I am the only one going through this. What is harder is to know that actually my life right now is going good when someone else out there is sick, or hungry, or homeless. I just feel so torn. I guess I am the type that I want to know why. Why God did you pick this for us? Why do these naive young girls not have a clue what life is really about. Why are there cliques, why is there pain.

I think it is important to remember that God has a will for us. A plan for us. Not to hurt us, but for us to be prosperous and happy. He wants me to need Him… I do. I need him. I just need reminded. You have my attention father. Im awake. Fill me up and give me the power to speak your power into others.

 

I love Brea but I really do miss Seth with all of my heart and it is hard to think about living without the people that I love, but he has us here for a reason. He’ll reveal that to me later. 

I am doing really well in ultrasound school (well at least the bookwork, lol, I need some more scanning practice). It is the best thing I have done for myself. So exciting.

Brea will be 20 weeks old… 4.5 months old on Friday. She has a small cold so she has been a little sick I feel bad for her but hopefully she starts feeling better soon. 

I am really grateful for all that I have been blessed with and I just want to end with that. I will never forget all of the blessings that I have received. 

 

Motherhood

I know it has been so long but I have just been so so busy.

Must vent!

I’m exhausted. I’ve cried every day this week because from 5 in the morning to 10 at night it is all about the baby all of the time. She sleeps good and shes a good baby but she eats ALL the time and poops all the time and needs attention all the time… I know, its what I expected and I am so thankful and I said that I would never complain but sometimes I need some help. 

It’s a little too much to ask for 1 day to myself ( or not even to myself, just for 1 day with some help). Now I will be starting school and be in school ALL day and practicing scanning (sonography) after school. Between weekends and Monday I work about 33 hours. When I come home I have to feed and bathe the baby and put her to bed and then Im ready for bed, only God knows how I will be able to study to pass this program. 

It would not be so bad if I had help. Im not going to make this a bashing thing but let’s face it, I dont have any help at home… Im very very bitter about it because Ive asked so many times and nothing works. It makes me sad because its just making me a bitter person. I want more children but cannot and will not have any more most likely because I cannot do this all myself all over again. 

Its not been a good few weeks. Of course I am very scared about school (im paying a lot of money, I want to pass). Im worried about my sister (shes 19 and is not and should not have to be on her own but someone else in this house is not being nice about helping her… I will not put up with someone not caring about family). My mom is chugging along with her battle with cancer. Im so proud of her. She’s so brave and she’s gone through so much treatment and hospital stays and bad days and good days and she’s got this – we all know it!

home just has not been good to me lately. I feel like Im batteling a little bit of depression, not because I can’t handle the problems but because I cant put up with certain problems… or people. I would much rather be away from home (not the baby… just home). Shopping, work, school, cleaning the car out- anything is better than being at home. 

I really do want sleep though. Im very sleep deprived this week which does not help. The baby sleeps perfect. 12 hours straight through every night since about 2 months. Im just so tired because… I guess because Im aggravated at home. I always used to say that I would spill my guts out all over this blog but sometimes I just cant for the sake of keeping  half decent relationships with people since I know they read this. 

All I want for mothers day (which I know I wont get), is to have no one argue with me, and be by myself. no noise, no aggravation, no responsibilities to tend to every waking (and sleeping) moment of the day.. That is not possible, and its ok. I just need to see that Im going to get help during the school week or things are going to change in my life really fast. 

 

Brea has been growing like a weed. She sits up with assistance. She eats baby food now (we just tried peas tonight- she HATES them … ). She babbles alot. Smiles alot. Poops alot. Eats every three hours. Sleeps 12 hours a night. Takes a couple of naps a day. Refused the pacifier a month ago and now sucks on her fingers all of the time. Shes 18 weeks and 1 day today. Shes my world. She makes me smile. She makes me get up. She makes us all happy when we’re having a sucky day. Shes the sunshine to me and my momma. She is my beautiful baby. I could not live without her. I will give up whatever I have to if it means that I will always have her to take care of (at least till she doesnt want me to anymore when shes 30 ). 

Give me a break

Oh my goodness its been forever. I just dont have time anymore.

short synopsis. 

So much is going on. Brea will be 8 weeks tomorrow. shes following me with her eyes now and realizes when I give her to someone else that it is not her mommy.

Mom is going through chemo and radiation (on her back). She actually is scheduled to get a port Monday before they continue because they cant find her veins. 

I am an emotional wreck because I start school in May, this is my dream, to finally finish! But I have a few obstacles still. My boss put me on FMLA whenever I left of course, well now she wont give me my hours back. She hired 2 new PRN people while I was gone and is giving them 40 hours a week but wont give me more than 20 and Im an actual status paid/benefits employee???!!! I have cried alot because Im not even making enough to put Brea in the cheapest daycare in town for half of a month. I need daycare Monday through Friday so I can go to school, so I can make more money, so I can have a better future for us. Its not worth it to work for 50$ a week…. I am so stressed, we planned Brea, knowing- after I had talked to my boss- that I would get my full time hours back- but now shes going back on her word and there is no one higher up to talk to. I NEED to go to school. I HAVE to go, all I have left is 16 months. 

Kick me while Im down. Why, why does all this crap happen to me when Im at my lowest point. Struggling to breathe, to just stay alive. 

Im not struggling with normal depression Im struggling with being stomped on 10 times in 1 month. 

Baby, moms cancer, no money, no hours at work, no daycare, almost no school, fighting with steven, desperate to get people aware and interested in leiomyosarcoma and they dont care because theyve never heard of it, exhausted, broke, alone, not getting anywhere…..

The only thing that keeps me alive, literally, is this person right here… Otherwise, I have often thought in the last month that I would rather go home to see my Seth. 

Christmas 38 weeks

I haven’t been keeping up very well with the blog but you know how the holidays are. This is the best time of the year. I LOVE Christmas. On Christmas eve we spent some time with my family and on Christmas I went to my husband’s family’s house. I have been sick and am SLOWLY getting better so I unfortunately didnt get to run out to our hometown to see my dad’s family this year. We didnt really do gifts but I have to say- this was the BEST Christmas we’ve had. I realized how much my family means to me and how special Christmas really is. I am lucky that I have real blood family that gets along and loves me and I love them. I am so thankful for our home, our car, our abundance of food, our children.

There is nothing better than everyone smiling at Christmas and waiting for your baby to come. This has just been so amazing this year. I could not be happier (except when Brea finally gets here lol). I CANT WAIT! speaking of baby talk, I have not been able to sleep due to insomnia, being sick, and HEARTBURN so I have been sitting on the couch up all night every night for like 2 weeks and I was having extreme exhaustion yesterday so it was sooooo nice to not have heartburn for once last night so I could sleep in the bed (all night!!!). The only thing though I had to do to prevent that from happening was to not eat or drink after 3 pm= that sucks cause ussually I am SOOOO thirsty and want a snack before bed but I had to sleep!

Our little girl has become the center of our thoughts all of the time. Yesterday after we came home from Christmas dinner Steven and I just plopped on the bed in exhaustion and sat and talked. We kept verbalizing how crazy it is that this is our last Christmas as a family of just us 2. We will now have a baby for (at least) 18 years to follow us around. It was so quiet and peaceful and I sat there and cried a little as I told Steven that I will totally miss our time together and I hope that doesn’t change. He is too good to me to let me even think that our relationship would get pooed on. This child has restored our relationship from a year ago and she does not realize the importance she brings to our life. She is our life already. We have made changes to all kinds of things and shes not even here yet.

Of course with the holidays I still think of Seth. He would have been 15 months exactly on Christmas. Wow… My son would have been 15 months! That cute, long, lanky, chubby cheeked baby.  I cannot imagine what he would have looked like. Kind of like my dad, I will always remember him at the age that he left us, same with Seth. One day I hope Brea is not saddened but understands just how important he is to our family. I pray that God blesses us financially to support many children. I want to bring happiness, education, and love to as many little ones as we are blessed with. This world needs more of that.

We cannot wait for Brea. I hope others understand that when she is born and I am hospitalized I would like time to quietly labor with only my husband, parents, and sister visiting. I do not want phone calls, visitors, or anything until I am ready. This will be an emotional time for us. A scary one, right up till she is crying in my arms I will not be calmed. If I want you there, I will call you.  My nerves are crawling with excitement, hopefully very very soon!

38 weeks

 

32 weeks

The last 2 days have been extremely hard. I have cried a lot.

We moved, the house is a mess, I can’t bend over to pick things up, I cant lift, I cant arrange the furniture how I want it, and it is beyond quiet because we dont have cable or anything, (oh, and… Aida is not here yet because we still have to get her cleaned before we bring her over).

Then… Steven is ALWAYS working. Thank goodness. It just makes me extremely lonely sitting in this quiet dark house for 16 hours a day while he is working. He does not get weekends off, he does not get full days off, he’s simply on call all the time. Thats the joy of working for yourself. He was ‘tired’ from work and moving things over to the house that he hasnt wanted to do much but he’s going out to a a park this weekend with the guys (and one of the guys obsessed girlfriend who cant leave the poor man alone to have a guy date). I am not going because there is no bathrooms or running water and at 32 weeks I will not squat in the trees, I can barely move. He will be gone camping for the whole weekend… so here I am… bored.. alone… its just so stinking lonely to have no one to talk to all day. At least if Aida was here she would listen to me.

Thats another story I get all anxious and angry because every day that passes I am able to move less which means the longer steven waits to re-arrange the furniture that was just thrown in the house, and get aida in the house (shes too big and hairy for my car, he has to lift her into his truck) to train her how to deal with the baby- the less time I will be able to clean and actually take care of things before the baby gets here. I dont want the house looking like this but I feel so unable to do anything till he ‘has time’ to help.

I went to the specialist on Monday- everything looked fine but my blood pressure has it’s spurts of being on the high side. He did say that the baby is slightly large . Then I went to my OB on Thursday and they did a non stress test, which they will do every week now. I had 2 contractions in 20 minutes that I could feel, 1 being almost off of the gridded chart. He said if I have more than 6 in a day then I have to drink 5 glasses of water and if they continue within the hour I have to be seen to stop them…. I have since noticed that I have about 2-3 a day. Im 32 weeks… I just want to make it to 37 and Ill be all game to go then.

Im getting prepartum depression… just feeling really awful physically and emotionally. I guess Im just so used to being around someone that being around NO ONE has made me want to pull my hair out

rantings about a reserved time out- & baby news

Let me set it clear. NO ONE IS PERFECT – NO , NOT ONE! Lets be real here. Lets be genuine, lets not be all churchy, lets be authentic. There is nothing wrong with having a clean time out. I can be somewhere that serves alcohol, like sitting in the bar room of red lobster because there are no other seats, going to my favorite beef o bradys  for wings or mom and pop sports bar for their pizza. Like bowling at our favorite lane who has a bar next to the food shop. The world will not end, I will not be a bad example. Im not trying to be rude but we have become so consumed by what others are doing and not about how they are doing it that when we hear things, we assume things. This is the exact reason why as I get older I have a hard time staying in church. I do not feel close enough to anyone who will not judge me. Yup, I went line dancing last night with Steven and another young married couple. Yup, I horrifically failed and almost peed my pants from laughing. Yup, me and the other girl are pregnant and 21/22. Yup, we drank water and had a heck of a good time. Yup, we left before my grandmas bed time. Yup, I participated in nothing wrong, and had CLEAN fun with very good fellow christian friends.

The point is, I am not participating in anything bad. I am to answer for my own actions. I am learning to NOT be a home-body and still keep my body in check with what I believe. Christianity is not about amish living, its not about being a stick in the mud, its not about not enjoying the 1 life that God gave you. If you can go out and have sober fun and show others what its like to be filled with the spirit, go for it! I will not judge you for where you are or what youre doing because you have the right to make good or bad decisions anywhere you want. I could choose to let a plethora of alcohol into my home (same as a bar) but I dont, because 1. I dont like it, 2. I dont need it, 3. it does matter that God says that I should not be drunken with wine, 4. that dosnt even really matter because I have no desire lol… its gross and not my thing- chocolate is.

I can dance, and be big, and laugh. there is a big misconception that Christians cannot go into the world, out of our homes and have fun, that they MUST only have fun with other christians.  (mind you we did go to dinner and line dancing with other christians lol).

Its about how you act in your surroundings not where your at. I do not go to a bar and sit at the bar while my friends or strangers are drinking. I go line dancing with friends (who are not alcoholics), drink water, and leave when my baby is pushing the pee out of my bladder from my attempt at 2-stepping. I bowl. I go to movies that are not G rated. I eat out at my favorite resteraunts because they have the best food. I go ride on the ranger in the woods with our dogs, I dont sit in my house and crochet away my entire life.

Just setting the story straight. I have many a friends that I cannot lead to church because of this exact reason. They have good clean moral values and are scared to be judged that their moral values are not good enough, let alone believe in a God who led these people to judge others values. When God convicts you, its a slap in the face and you know it, it has happened plenty of times. So far, I am proud of the example that I try to lead, especially in public, and I have no regrets or convictions for having a sober, laughing, good time, with other pregnant friends .

I dont want anyone to defend their stand.In fact, I dont really care to have your comments on this rant. I am telling you what standards I set myself to and each person has their own, I do not choose to judge or talk about your standards unless I think it is doing you regrettable and dangerous physical and/or spiritual harm. (and even then, I do not publicly talk to you or about you. I would privately ask to speak to you… I really have only done this once in my life because I believe in personal conviction, not being in someones business)

Now, moving on,

in baby news-

Our little bundle of amazingness- is now 1 pound 12 oz. She is 13 inches long. She loves chocolate still (I have cut down on coke-a-cola , I dont remember the last time I had one).  In 2 and a half weeks I go back to my regular OB for my glucose test. Ill be 29 weeks (oh my goodness).  I am soooo NOT excited about that glucose test, I almost threw up last time. THEN- that same night after that morning glucose appointment and work, I have my 4D ultrasound- YAY YAY YAY!!!! I cant wait! THEN- I see my maternal fetal medicine specialist the next week and from there on I have an appointment EVERY WEEK so Ill see MFM one week and my OB the next. I can slightly see the end of the tunnel! I am so close to my 3rd trimester and it will really fly with all of these doctor appointments approaching. I am so excited! I am getting horrendously big and the baby is growing… as long as this baby is a-ok, I am thrilled. Not too long to go now.

 

Feeling a little more confident

Yesterday I had a wonderful day. I decided that I will not let anyone bother me anymore. I will go to my happy place and not dwell on others when they annoy me. It was good for me. I hope to continue that. I think I will have to tell myself every day that I will not  let people bother me or annoy me- I will stay calm and enjoy my day.

I listened to my hypnobirthing CD the other day and it was great. The only problem is Steven doesn’t really like to hear it so I have to do it when Im alone in the car and then I feel like Im falling sleep while driving (which is a very scary feeling lol).

I think its funny. In my heart I have figured out why sometimes it bothers me to hear that others pregnant with their second child … Well one- I should have 2 children here… and 2,  I think I just have figured it out, I want a lot of kids. If we had a stable house I would definitely have like 4 at least but that will be a lot further down the road and I just fear having my kids so far apart and them not being connected (but this is all wayyy in the future, it just hit me though why I think I am upset at other preggos lol).

Steven said he is coming home tonight (instead of tomorrow, YAY) I have only seen him once in 2 weeks and I really miss him. We both cant wait till the ultrasound on Monday.

Only two days left of work this week. <3

Stay safe rainbow

 

Cupcakes and friends

I wrote a post earlier, which I deleted. Maybe I shouldn’t have but I was very anxious when I wrote it. I am still feeling very anxious but I want to speak out some good truths because its what I mentally need. I am having a rough night because Im feeling funny and Steven is gone, I miss him so dearly when he is working so far away.

Good things that happened today- I got to see some friends. Even though we all live 30-60 minutes away from each other, we all come together every once in a while and its such a great time!

I made  cupcakes for the first time ever! Heck it was the first time I have ever baked (and it was all from scratch) and they were amazing!!! they were smores cupcakes and DELICIOUS!

I sold a baby hat that I made, it was at a whim using some new yarn, techniques, and my own pattern from inspiration of a very expensive hat on etsy.

I have time to relax to myself tonight, I may crochet, Ive been making swiffer covers, these bobble stitches are soooo awesome and fun to feel, it would be cool to make a soft baby blanket with this stitch.

I have some anxiety starting this new week but Im ready to get through it because next Monday I have an ultrasound and I find out what the baby is!

Im gonna watch some tv for a bit… night

Night terrors

Oh man the night terrors of pregnancy! I cant stand it.

I woke up last night sweating, crying, and shaking from a dream that seemed so real. They all seem so real and so scary when your pregnant…Why???

I had this rediculous dream that someone broke in (steven wasnt here [he is out of town right now anyways]) and tried to stab me and I just kept crying ‘dont hurt my baby’ , he hept cuttingmy arms and when he got a crazed look in his eyes he went for my stomach and I woke up screaming. I looked down and noticed that I was gripping my stomach so hard and was sitting up- bent over (that is some deep sleep!).

Dreams never used to bother me till one day…. The night before we found out that Seth died, Steven woke me up and in a panic told me that he just had a dream that the baby died and he dosnt know what he’d do if he lost us. The next day we found out that baby Seth passed away and my blood pressure remained so dangerously high during labor that the nurses and doctors were scared that I was going to have a stroke.

Ever since then, every eerie dream that I have really bothers me. I have had some scary dreams about something happening to the baby that I wont even type out because I just want everything to go right for this baby, even a dream scares me… its sad, I sound like a child but what would you feel like after that happened to you.

I cant stand it, these are not just bad dreams, they are real night terrors. when you wake up sweating, shaking, and screaming, its not just a dream.

A lot of TMI today

Even though I dont want to complain one bit about pregnancy because I DO want EVERY second of this… I need a place to spill my emotions and this is it so ignore it or read it. I feel like crying sometimes because-

I feel like…. poop. lol. Oh my word. No matter how little or how much sleep I get I feel like I am going to fall over at any second. Im sitting on the couch, trying to get motivated to clean again before Steven comes home, but my eyes are on fire. They burn and Im tired. I feel like I have zero energy, not even enough to breathe. 15.5 weeks = nothing is different

Here is the worst part of the last few days. I have lost ALL control of my bladder. It is so embarrassing. No matter how many thousands of kegels I do, I pee myself multiple times daily. Im sick of it. Im sick of changing, of peeing, of not being able to control my stinking bladder. Is something wrong? This did not happen last time and Seth was right on my bladder for the WHOLE pregnancy the doctors said. I know after I had the baby I had some problems with jumping and sneezing, but those were tinkles, this is…. disastrous. Ill be 21 in a little over a month for goodness sakes, is this really how its gonna be forever???? Am I always going to be the young girl turned granny, wearing diapers out to my date nights at 21?  Im to the point where Im angry because Im scared to go in public and pee myself. I guess I will talk to the doctor about it but what is he gonna do about it…  And the great thing is too it seems like I only have to cough and sneeze when Im pregnant, I do it at least 5 times a day, I dont remember EVER sneezing before being pregnant.

I really need to get up and all I want to do is sleep… I slept 10 hours last night and I feel like I never went to bed.

Cant. Wait. Till. Baby. Is. Here!