I know I haven’t posted in a while but I havnt felt motivated. Nothing is getting done in my house. Its a mess. Im tired. Im hungry. Im sick all the time. Its kind of crappy to be honest but I cant complain so I wont any further.
I’ve just been feeling blah lately. I would love to go somewhere and do something. I really wish I could have a vacation before the baby comes but that is not going to happen. Its hard making the bills let alone doing anything fun when the boys don’t have any work scheduled.
Its hard, I want to be supportive of my husband going after his dreams and owning his own business but in his type of work its all contracts and subject to be taken away at any moment. Its hard. We cant get our own house or plan our own vacations because we may have money this month and literally nothing to scrape by on next month. I wish he could just go back to working a normal job like the rest of us so we can get our own place for the baby’s sake. Its hard. Its humbling. But I love my husband and I will support his dreams. Till the baby comes- then he knows he has to do something cause I will not be able to work full time anymore because school will be starting for me.
The days have been long and its hard for me to get up out of bed. I work 2pm-10pm and I dont get out of bed till 11. That means I have 2 hours to eat and get ready (nothing else gets done unfortunately) and then my day is shot, it sucks. Im just anxious and I deal with anxiety best by sleeping cause then I dont have to think about it. Plus, Im a little stressed about work. I work with the most crazed dementia man I have ever had to deal with. The sound of his voice makes me want to smack him. All he does is complain for 8 hours straight UGH. He’ll be gone for two weeks on vacation starting next week (Thank God) but one of those weeks no one is there to cover and pregnant fat hungry lady cant do it all without getting cranky so we’ll see how well I handle that.
idk… as you can tell my mood is crappy so Ill get going. Trying to be grateful when things are just a big jumbled mess.
Stay safe rainbow.
Posted in anxiety, Health, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, School, Steven, my love, Vacation, Work
Tagged baby, business, Children, family, Home, Infant, Pregnancy, vacation, Work
Since Ive gotten rid of facebook I just havnt gotten on the computer much anymore, I guess that is a good thing.
This weekend we went to the Awanas Grand Prix , all the kids at church got to race their little cars they made. Steven , I, and my father in law judged the looks of the cars and My father in law and I cooked the burgers and hot dogs on the grill. It was cute.
Today (Sunday) we went to Islands of Adventure. It was fun.
Tonight we watched Undercover Boss (budget blinds). I cried like a baby because the boss got to know this guy who was adorable. He was just a big teddy bear. The man working for the company lost his son (who had 5 grand kids). He cried like a big baby when the boss gave him $40,000 to remodel his house to better accommodate his family for gatherings in remembrance of his son. I cried like a baby too. It was very touching.
Ive made some cool new crocheted things this week… I think I want to focus on baby props for my etsy store that I hope to open in the future.
Here are the things I made.
^ I made this for a cousins daughter that is due to arrive this month.
^ I made this and am giving it to my sister for her youth camp auction so she can make some money to go, its her last year. Im in the process of making matching booties to go with it .
so yeah, thats about it.
Its been a good week. Work has been a little stressful but other than that, its been good. School starts on the 30th (physics) ugh lol.
Posted in crochet, Family, Health, Hobbies, School, Steven, my love, Vacation, Work
Tagged awanas, Children, crochet, crocheting, hobbies, hobby, islands of adventure, Parent-in-law, recreation, school, theme parks, tv, Undercover Boss, vacation, Work
Posted in Health, Hobbies, Kayaking, Paddling, Vacation
Tagged boating, florida, health, hobbies, kayaking, paddling, springs
Today was my favorite, most exciting, most scariest day of vacation! It was the best I suppose. Steven and I went to a park and set off for our maiden voyage in our new kayaks! It was beautiful, The water was vast, the nature was gorgeous! It was relaxing but soo much fun. I caught a 9 in. bass and 5 in. blue gill! THEN….; *BUM BUM BUM* [dark music]…. We looked around and saw that we were in an alligator nest. Seriously, I picked up my pole and Steven saw an 6ft. alligator swimming across the way. I of course, freaked out and tried to calmly paddle close to him so I wouldnt roll over. I got somewhat close and we spotted another alligator, this time an 8 footer on the bank to where the swimming alligator was headed. Steven hollered for me to get close so I started paddling faster towards him and as I was paddling I saw another one swimming in front of his kayak! I yelled for Steven to look and at that time we both saw the big 8 foot alligator slip into the water and head toward us. PANIC PANIC PANIC. My heart was racing and I was screaming on the inside. Steven Yelled “get over here in the weeds, get to the bank, the bank”. AHHHH… I paddled so hard you would think the alligator was thrashing around me. I was barely to the bank and I JUMPED out of my kayak and ran up the bank. Im sure Steven did the same but did so a little more gracefully. Lets just say I ended our kayking day with that. I was not getting back in that water! So we got like 3 hours of kayaking in and it was soooo nice BESIDES the alligators. We went fishing off another side of the lake from the bank. Steven caught a big gar but that was it.
I am sooo sunburnt but being outside and on the water was beautiful today.
I wish I had a camera, I just took this with my phone so you cant see them but here are where the alligators are in the picture.
We went to Red Lobster and ate WAYYYY to much. buscuites, 2 appetizers (stuffed mushrooms and lobster pizza), salad, and dinner (2 skewers of grille garlic shrimp, mashed potatoes, and pilaf rice). and guess what, we had NO left overs, we must have worked up our appetites after kayaking with those gators (seriously I think I peed my pants a little when I saw them. )
Anyways, I start school and work tomorrow but on life goes. i cant wait to kayak again but I dont want to run in to gators Im so terrified :/
anyways… good day
Posted in anxiety, Family, Health, Hobbies, Kayaking, Paddling, Steven, my love, Vacation
Tagged Alligator, Canoeing and Kayaking, Cecil Webb, fishing, kayak, Kayak fishing, kayaking, Outdoors, paddling, Red Lobster, Sports, water, water sports
YAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE GOT KAYAKS!!!!!!!!!!!! lol, excited does not even explain. Tomorow Steven and I are taking the kayaks out and fishing – ALL OF MY FAVORITE THINGS wrapped into one activity- kayak fishing WOOT. I hope it goes smoothly. Its my last day of vacation from work and school and back the grind it is next week,
SO EXCITED UGH (about the kayaks, not work lol).
Hopefully Ill remember to take pictures!
Posted in Family, Hobbies, Kayaking, Paddling, Steven, my love, Vacation
Tagged boat, fishing, fun, kayak, Kayak fishing, Outdoors, paddling, recreation, vacation, water, water sports, watercraft
Well, we’re back from vacation. Im very very very greatful that we got away but a little disappointed that my only chance for a long time to get away, turned out a little crappy lol.
So Sunday night/Monday steven had some business to take care of, some stressful business but either way we got that all settled. Monday Night we went to do laundry so we could leave Tue. for vacation and the washer broke- that should have been a sign. Good thing Steven is a handyman, he fixed it. Tuesday we left and got to our hotel. It was dusty and gross and the Jacuzzi was colder than the pool which sucked cause we wanted to relax in the water but it was too cold out. Wed and Thur we went to Universal/Islands of Adventure. Wed. it rained (of course). Thursday was nice but the water rides chaffed my legs up to the max (ugh PAIN). Today (Fri) we were set to head to another town to maybe go to a spring or something and our dog feeder told us at the last minute h, Im deciding to go on vacation while your on vacation…. ok, UGH…nothing like last minute. So we had to head home 2.5 days early from vacation. I was a little more than mad because this is my last chance to relax for a long time and of course everyone else gets to enjoy their time off but not Hollie, no way, she should not get all her time to do something she wants to do…. So we come home and someone jacked up our boat trailer so we cant take the boat out tomorrow. There was a jury summons waiting for me in the mail. And of course now were stuck at home for the weekend with no plans because our vacation was cut short. ….*sigh* Im just stressed. I want some me time. I want to be selfish for once and do stuff JUST FOR ME and not think about anyone else… is that too much to ask for? Out of my 8 days off work I got to get away for 2 and one of those days it was raining so…fun…
Anyways, our xbox games came in the mail while we were gone (YAY) but Steven is hogging the system up with 1 player games so I guess Ill have to wait to play my games later. I got Kinect raving rabbids (YAY) and Kinect Dance central and Call of Duty 4 modern warfare (idk why steven dosnt like that one)… I think im most excited about raving rabbids, that thing is FUN . Im praying MAYBE we’ll get to go fishing tomorrow, Steven dosnt like to take me but I really want to, OR, it would be nice to take the dogs to the dog beach, AIDA loves the dog beach and the water. Last time we were there though there was a shark in the water and it was quite scary cause she was just a puppy and I was freaking out trying to get her back on the land.
So… Lets call it a weekend and just relax before work and school start on Monday, yuck.
Posted in anxiety, Dogs, Family, Vacation, Work
Tagged call of duty, Dance Central, dog, dog beach, dogs, family, Games, islands of adventure, Jacuzzi, Kinect, raving rabbids, theme parks, universal studios, vacation, Video Games, Xbox 360
Today I visited Seth. I called the memorial place and they said they place the vase when they set the stone, the vase was just upside down in the stone so it wouldnt get stolen so I turned it over and put two roses in it. One from me, and one for Steven.
There are days like today where I’m angry. I feel like a failure as a wife and mom. I feel like I want to get away from everyone and everything, especially pregnant women. I just cant take it anymore. I cant stand seeing real pregnant people or hearing about people being pregnant, especially people I dont like because they were mean to me in the past. Why do they get the chance and I dont. I just feel so distant and hopeless. Where did everything go, it seems like my whole castle crumbled down and now there is nothing in sight. Everything is in pieces and we arnt ready for a family but why- that makes me angry, I want to. I cant stand it, I just want them to go away. I want to get rid of my facebook because its infested with pregnant women but it has ALL of my pictures of everything including Seths things. My last computer crashed and I dont have anything from that computer and I dont want that to happen again and not have any back up.
Im just thinking so irrationally. Today at the grave site I was laying on the ground (in my scrubs again) and some lady came to put a balloon on the grave next to me and she left and I cried and cried. I thought for a slight second, Ill just dig the grave up and see Seth one more time and put the dirt back…. WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT? I just laid there while all these maintenance men came by, I dont care. It just makes me mad that people get to see their children every day, women become mommy like after having a baby, things change- BUT what about me? what about my life and my family? Just give me something to believe in that this whole mess will be put back together and I will have a baby soon. I just want to finish school and have my baby. I have not felt a melt down like this for a while.
I think another problem is, We have now officially come full circle to one year of all my thoughts with Seth. Tomorrow on Valentines day, it will be 1 whole year since we conceived Seth . Yes, we made him last valentines day, we did. Valentines day will not be sweet this year, I will not enjoy it. We arnt even doing anything anyways. I just need to spend the night alone, in bed, half-asleep.
Goodnight, vacation could not come any sooner (next week)
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn, Vacation, Work
Tagged angry, babies, baby, cemetery, child, Children, conceive, Death, emotional, emotions, family, Father, grave, headstone, Home, husband, infant death, Infant Loss, kids, melt down, memorial, mom, Pregnancy, pregnant, Stillbirth, stillborn, Valentine Day, vase, wife
So… today we did KempoX (kickboxing)…. wow that was some extreme cardio, my head is still throbbing from when we finished an hour ago, I thought I literally was gonna have a stroke I could feel my heart pounding lol, WOW Im out of shape. So… I havnt weighed myself yet, dont really feel the need, its only been 6 days, but I SLOWLY do not feel as sore as when I started and I SLOWLY feel less bloated. Im really hoping results start coming, Im already just feeling good about myself because I know Im doing the right thing.
Tonight my husband and I are going to eat at my mommas house. Its my grandmas birthday and shes cooking and inviting her boyfriend and us over so that will be nice to see my family. I dont get to see them often since I got married and of course I miss my mom and sister to death.
I finished my Anatomy class today (even though this was the second time taking it lol) I think I did ok. Im really hopeing for an A but idk if that will happen cause I had a 90 last week so Ill probably get a B . So anyways, now that Im all done, I have a WHOLE MONTH OFF SCHOOL WOOT!!!! We are still hoping for the vacation for me to go see snow for the first time around Feb. 18th. CANT WAIT!!!!
I want to get a TON of crocheting done since I have no school I REALLY hope I can.
We got all of our W2′s now we have to go file our taxes. Im debating, I dont know what to do. When we first started the company Steven wasnt taking out enough so we dont know if we will owe from that period of time that he didnt know that he wasnt having enough coming out so should we file before vacation and MAYBE get some money back, or file after vacation incase we have to pay so we dont jip ourselves of a good time? lol, its hard to think about.
Anyways, thats whats been goin on, gonna get myself together for dinner tonight and do some crocheting.
Posted in crochet, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, Steven, my love, Vacation, Work
Tagged class, crochet, crocheting, dinner, exercise, family, health, hobbies, husband, kenpoX, kick-boxing, mom, P90X, school, taxes, vacation, Weight loss, Work, work out
They were so nice Im very happy that everyone in the office took time to talk to me.
The doctor said to start with, I need to
1. loose 20 lbs. (ugh that sounds so hard, I dont even know what to do)
2. do cardio exercise every day
3. take a vitamin and 1mg of folic acid
4. keep track of my blood pressure.
He said Im too young to be having high blood pressure like I’ve had. He thinks I might have kidney problems like renal stenosis and/or thyroid problems so I have to go get a bunch of blood taken and pee in a bucket for a day (and keep in in an ice bucket) so he can look at all the labs. Im honestly terrified that the results will come back with something scary.
We discussed basically getting in shape, my weird problems, and stevens heart problem. The doctor was concerned about his bicuspid aortic valve and told me that he needs to see a cardiologist since he has not been seeing a doctor.
So anyways, I go back on valentines day for my next appt.
In other news, we were supposed to go on vacation and now…. well now we have all of these unexpected bills from a problem that my husband ran into and i dont think well have money to go now… UGH SO ANGRY. I WANT TO GET AWAY. I just want to cry cause I cant stand it, I need a break. We havnt gone on vacation since our honeymoon almost 2 years ago, and all we did then was take 3 days off and go fishing.
so … thats it for today. I have tomorrow off. I need to crochet, do schoolwork, lose weight, and chillax cause I feel like Im gonna pass out from all this junk.
Ok, its 10 PM… I did my first day of P90X to lose some weight, it was a work out of 1hr. and 15 min. Worked on Chest, back, and abs…. BUT my whole body feels like its going to snap in half lol… WOW I did not realize how NOT in shape I was. This is going to be hard but I have to lose the weight so here it goes. Glad I got through the first of 90 days of pure craziness!
Posted in Health, Infant loss, MTHFR, stillbirth, stillborn, Uncategorized, Vacation, Work
Tagged abs, back, Bicuspid aortic valve, Blood pressure, chest, doctor, exercise, folic acid, Heart disease, Hypertension, P90X, Renal artery stenosis, vacation, Weight loss, work out
Im just so angry. For the first time ever, I cannot blog about what I need to because its embarrassing. All I can say is Im so angry. Im so upset. I learned today that people let you down. People you love. I have everything I dont need and nothing that I do need. I will just be up all night. My skin is crawling, the itching is worse. I took the steroids today because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. For the first time in a while I just truly would not care if all of my belongings burned up and God took me up. Its quiet here. I just hurt. My body aches. Like I have said before, stillbirth changes people and sometimes its not for the better. If the cemetery was open I would lay on the ground and pound my fist and scream and sleep there on the ground. My eyes burn. I only stop hyperventilating when I cry. I feel like I have no men left in my life. Dad, Seth…. How am I going to do this. My head is pounding. I dont want to go to work this week but no one will pay the bills if I dont.Im not going to sleep tonight, its just been one of the hardest weeks Ive had. I guess Ill crochet tonight.
I went to Seth’s grave yesterday to deorate a little. Its just pitiful looking with no headstone yet.
Those are solar lights (the red and white striped things)….
Seth baby, I just need to you give momma a little extra push. I really need you here to hold and cry on me and pass you around. I am really alone and my head hurts so bad. Lets just wake up from this bad dream. The days are never getting easier.
[The singing went fine on Sunday. Im very hard on myself and I dont think I did good but everyone said I did. I would post a video but Im that self conscious.]
I need some relief God, PLEASE IM BEGGING, stop taking people away from me, stop interrupting life. I will take a normal boring life, Ive said it before, IM REALLY OK with that. I cant stand being alone and feeling this messed up. I feel like someone beat me up (dont worry no one did).Please just give me a break, let me take a breather before you slam me with something else again.
Posted in anxiety, crochet, death, Family, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn, Vacation, Work
Tagged alone, anxiety, Death, disappointment, God, Infant Loss, jesus, Lord, Loss, seperation, Stillbirth, stillborn, Work