Kick me while Im down, go ahead

Im just so angry. For the first time ever, I cannot blog about what I need to because its embarrassing. All I can say is Im so angry. Im so upset. I learned today that people let you down. People you love. I have everything I dont need and nothing that I do need. I will just be up all night. My skin is crawling, the itching is worse. I took the steroids today because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. For the first time in a while I just truly would not care if all of my belongings burned up and God took me up. Its quiet here. I just hurt. My body aches. Like I have said before, stillbirth changes people and sometimes its not for the better. If the cemetery was open I would lay on the ground and pound my fist and scream and sleep there on the ground. My eyes burn. I only stop hyperventilating when I cry. I feel like I have no men left in my life. Dad, Seth…. How am I going to do this. My head is pounding. I dont want to go to work this week but no one will pay the bills if I dont.Im not going to sleep tonight, its just been one of the hardest weeks Ive had. I guess Ill crochet tonight.

I went to Seth’s grave yesterday to deorate a little. Its just pitiful looking with no headstone yet.

Those are solar lights (the red and white striped things)….

Seth baby, I just need to you give momma a little extra push. I really need you here to hold and cry on me and pass you around. I am really alone and my head hurts so bad. Lets just wake up from this bad dream. The days are never getting easier.

[The singing went fine on Sunday. Im very hard on myself and I dont think I did good but everyone said I did. I would post a video but Im that self conscious.]

I need some relief God, PLEASE IM BEGGING, stop taking people away from me, stop interrupting life. I will take a normal boring life, Ive said it before, IM REALLY OK with that. I cant stand being alone and feeling this messed up. I feel like someone beat me up (dont worry no one did).Please just give me a break, let me take a breather before you slam me with something else again.

Start over

I want so bad to just run away (by myself) and start over. I don’t want anyone or anything. I look so happy because Im literally tired of talking to people about what has happened to me so I smile and nod and say yeah I’m good because I’m tired of talking about it. I have everything I want and nothing I desire. Im not ready to take down the stuff in the baby’s room. I’m not ready for holidays or family gatherings. I just want to be alone. seriously. I want to drive (by myself) till I’m tired and just stay wherever I land. I do not want to see any pregnant people or babies or lovie dovie husbands and wives. I am soooo angry at pregnant women I dont even want to open my mouth because its rediculous.

Stillbirth changes people. My relationships have changed and it sucks. I feel like I dont mean much, I get put down, I’m just tired of it. Im tired of things being different. Besides my son not being here, nothing is different from how it was before so why treat me different?

I dont want to sing, work, do art, read, crochet. I want to start over. Be a different person. New name, new hobbies, new town, new everything. Its not gonna happen but I can make up my own fairy tale in my head.

Steven has been home the last couple days (hence no blogs from me) waiting on work and of course he wont be home when I’m off work this weekend, whatever it doesn’t matter anyways, Hes been in a bad mood towards everyone since I can remember now for the last few months and there is no excuse for it. Id rather be alone if that is the case.

we bought a new car

New 2012 Kia Soul… FIRST new car EVER lol… It smells nice. Its cute. It has lights in the cup holders and floor board and at night it looks cool. It has Bluetooth with my phone so I can call people through my car without using my phone. Satellite for a year, 5 year roadside assistance, 5yr/60,000 miles bumper to bumper warranty and 10yr/100,000 miles power training warranty. I pray God lets us get super good use out of it and we can pay it off early maybe (that would be nice).

I want to escape for a little bit. I guess sleep is the only thing that will do that for me right now so….

night.