Day off, side pain, crochet

Today is my day off and Im happy about that of course. I am still beyond exhausted, eyes burning, and body limp but its ok.

I am spending today crocheting ( I have a couple of paid projets that I NEED to get done). I also need to make dinner (something I havnt done in like 6 months… sad).

Before I started I want to write about the pregnany of course. (I feel the need to write all of this down so I remember next time and dont feel crazy for feeling something.)

I have this excruciating pain on my right side that stretches around from my back to the top of my stomach. Sitting hurts, laying down hurts…. I guess its just a part of pregnancy and I’m not all that concerned about it but it reminds me exactly of what back labor felt like when I started to back labor with Seth (except this is not running down my leg).  I have been having a lot of cramping in the last 3 days, and a lot of back pain. It does slightly scare me because my doctor said it could be a possibility that I go into early labor since it was only a year ago that I went into labor early with Seth and my uterus will do what it was used to experiencing. So now when I get cramps and back pain, my mind slightly panics because it brings back the exact feelings of labor last time.

Being pregnant for some women is easy (not easy with symptoms). Easy as in they have nothing to worry about their whole pregnancy so when they have things happen to them they just can assume that its normal pregnancy. I on the other hand think of all the things that could be going wrong, trying to keep in mind all of the signs that doctors have thrown at me.

I want to enjoy my pregnancy without having to keep track of ‘signs’. Keeping track of every little feeling makes for a much more stressful time. Dont take it for granted- the ease of getting pregnant, the ease of carrying a baby. The ease of having a healthy baby whenever you can.

Have a good day, going to get my crochet on.

Stay safe rainbow <3

P.s.-  this is a picture of a 20week baby in the womb (I’ll be 20 weeks in 2 days)…. I cant believe my little girl is so big !?

randomness of a good day

Today was wonderful, I did nothing . Today was my day off and Steven is out of town working so I did things on my own time. I washed dishes and did laundry and crocheted and it was wonderful. I made a swiffer cover and another baby owl hat and booties for a girl at work who is due in 6 weeks.

I had milk and cookies after dinner tonight and the baby loved it! That crazy doctor trying to say the food I eat is not good for the baby— the baby loves it old man  (lol… I have been eating better so I gave in finally tonight).

Someone dropped off maternity clothes today to me and Im SOOOO excited, its a ton of great clothes that I could totally use! Last time I somehow survived my whole pregnancy with only 2 pairs of shorts and 2 shirts- now I have pants, shorts, skirts, and all kinds of shirts. Excited!

I found out that someone is going to buy my guitar (that I have not played in a year), which means I can do the biggest package for the 4D ultrasound. which includes

A CD with ALL of the pictures from the ultrasound, printed pictures of the ultrasound, a DVD of the entire ultrasound and the heartbeat, a website for the baby and his/her pictures, a copyright release to print more pictures at any photo lab, during the 30 minute ultrasound the family is in the next room (allowed up to 40 people) and they are provided with popcorn/candy/and soda and the sonographer explains the ultrasound to them through a microphone. OH MY WORD that is a lot and Im so excited because I really want my whole family to get the chance to see the baby. Everyone is so anxious of course and I think this will make everyone smile and feel good – I cant wait and Im praying the sale really goes through so I get the opportunity.

So anyways thats about all my wonderful day consisted of… Im a little sad that I have to go to work tomorrow.

stay safe rainbow.

Baby talk and crochet stock

I just cant wait. I am always so anxious about how the baby is doing. Its hard in these early months, you just have no clue what is going on besides your stomach growing like an elephant. Looking back at my old pictures of my pregnancy with Seth, I am now the size that I was when I was 22 weeks with him … but right now Im only 15… Its almost embarrassing but- I havnt gained more than 2 pounds, my stomach is just pushing outwards, the gas has finally gone away lol, now I just deal with peeing on myself….. very sad… but I totally feel the baby bouncing right on top of my now flattened bladder and even when I dont have to use the potty- I do.  I am just beyond excited to have a baby here and I am so impatient.

I am finally trying to get all my crochet stuff going. My goal is to raise enough money for my 3D ultrasound for the family to see and then if I make more than that I want to give it to my husband to build a buggy that he really wants. He has done a lot for me and has given up a lot of his man projects since we have gotten married so that he can provide and give me what I want so I really hope to make enough to be worth it for him.  Im just excited that I get to crochet .

Tonight I have the ER- wish me luck, I hope its an easy night with good Doctors because I have a sinus infection and I feel like my head is going to explode, its hard to just breathe.

Heres to another morning (sickness)

I think I did well on my physics midterm!Ill find out this morning, if I ever get there. i have 20 minutes till I have to leave and I cant get up, UGH. I am trying so hard to eat but Im just pushing my food around like a child. Im starving but the smell and taste of anything, I gag at just seeing it. I have been just looking at my food crying for ten minutes. sooo hungry.

Im glad I have today off, although I have to clean, grocery shop, and study…. at least I can do it on my own time after school today cause I just feel like throwing up all over.

Stay Safe Rainbow.

P.S.- I took in all of the boxes, blankets and hats that we made for the hospital stillbirths and the nurses loved them they were so greatful. They said that everyone forgets about their mom and baby unit (at the hospital I work at) because most people send their donations to the childrens hospital in town. It felt so good to do something good and the nurses were beyond excited, their faces lit up and she kept saying, you dont know what it means to these women to have these. To avoid my crying hormones, I smiled and said, … I know. and turned around and walked away as they scrummaged through their goodies. Thank God for such a compassionate heart.

Those days

… Those days when your heart feels like mush…. today. I have a good friend who had a baby today. and a cousin who had a baby a couple of days ago.. of course its everywhere. Im happy for them, but Im not happy for me. Its especially hard when the friend who had a baby (who is at the same hospital that you work at) isnt that close with you anymore but of course wants to share pictures and whatever- that can just bring on more anger. I just feel slightly defeated. I have to get over it. Im not angry/mad/throwing a fit… just, … sad.

Ive been crocheting my brains out to make myself feel better, heres what I got… all baby/ photo prop items. (my next project is a purse).

yeah so… thats about it.

I start physics in exactly one week and Im a nervous wreck

my thoughts are…..

*How am I going to handle 9-1 school/2-10 work, and fit homework in? How am I going to get through a whole physics text book in 1 month and actually understand it? How am I going to have time for myself or my husband or cleaning or cooking…? How am I going to sleep?

I know I just have to do it, just really scary, its the hardest class and the dean has already spoken to us and told us, 1/4 of each physics class fails every month. :/ AGHHH . I dont want to fail cause this class cost me about $2000. :O

Until them, Im going to keep crocheting. and trying to mentally prepare myself.

Crochet, work and school

I have been addicted to crocheting lately. Its crazy, its all I think about and I cant sleep- that is pretty sad lol. I am super addicted to bulky/ chunky yarn too! its amazing, you can knock out a project (that would take you a month in regular yarn) in about 30 minutes! its amazing!!! Its just a little more expensive though. So Im probably going to make chunky yarn blankets for the hospital stillbirth boxes because Ive been taking too long and I need to get those out soon.

Heres my latest projects I did today and last night.

^ this turtle is a photo prop, its supposed to be used for this

> and yes that is where I bought the pattern from, I just made it a little different cause I didn’t want it to look exactly the same.

 

On another note…

I went to school yesterday for my last prep class before physics starts, the students were really encouraging and I cant wait to start the sonography program. It is going to be a lot of work but this is what I want. A girl told a story about her last clinical. She got called to the OB floor (at the hospital that I work at) and a lady who was 39 weeks pregnant lost her baby and she had to do the scan to confirm it. She said it was the hardest thing she has seen. I almost teared up as she talked about it. That is why I want to do this. I want to comfort those women, empower them with love and hope and a future. I need to be apart of this, that is why I changed my major, this IS my calling. I need to do this.

I need extra strength though and I pray every day that God will help me get through these classes and clinicals with a clear and open mind, mental strength, and guidance for a kind heart.

Im going to love my job

A little bit of this and a little bit of that

Since Ive gotten rid of facebook I just havnt gotten on the computer much anymore, I guess that is a good thing.

This weekend we went to the Awanas Grand Prix , all the kids at church got to race their little cars they made. Steven , I, and my father in law judged the looks of the cars and My father in law and I cooked the burgers and hot dogs on the grill. It was cute.

Today (Sunday) we went to Islands of Adventure. It was fun.

Tonight we watched Undercover Boss (budget blinds). I cried like a baby because the boss got to know this guy who was adorable. He was just a big teddy bear. The man working for the company lost his son (who had 5 grand kids).  He cried like a big baby when the boss gave him $40,000 to remodel his house to better accommodate his family for gatherings in remembrance of his son. I cried like a baby too. It was very touching.

Ive made some cool new crocheted things this week… I think I want to focus on baby props for my etsy store that I hope to open in the future.

Here are the things I made.

^ I made this for a cousins daughter that is due to arrive this month.

^ I made this and am giving it to my sister for her youth camp auction so she can make some money to go, its her last year. Im in the process of making matching booties to go with it .

so yeah, thats about it.

Its been a good week. Work has been a little stressful but other than that, its been good. School starts on the 30th (physics) ugh lol.

 

Memory Boxes for Stillbirth

So, At the crocheting group, us ladies painted boxes for stillbirth mothers to take home with them. I was given one at the hospital and it is one of the small few memories that I have of Seth because of course after giving birth to my sleeping son, I came home with nothing but this box with his clothes and a blanket and hat that someone made him. It has turned out in the last few months, to mean the world to me.

Almost none of the ladies painted before this and this was the first time I did one stroke painting. Im so proud of all the women, here are the boxes!

YAY!!!

These are paper mache boxes that you can get from a craft store. I got mine from hobby lobby. We used acrylic paints. I want to do LOADS of these. I wish I had the money and time to make this a non-profit organization. We so need the donations of boxes, yarn, and paint. I want to make a ton. I want to make a difference. I want to give these women some hope. Their lives will forever be changed and this box may be all that they have left of their baby.

I used to paint and I totally want to get back into it so I can become more creative with the boxes.

I started drawing a light collage of stuff so I can pick painting back up like I used to and get some practice in. I just wish I could quit my job and help people, forever. Im so compassionate. I cry at the thought of someone going through the same thing.

God will grant me with the time, money, skills, and product that I need to do this if this is what he wants me to continue to do.

Lots of things

Steven and I went kayaking Sunday.  It was beautiful. We spent 4 hours on the water (and thank God, we didnt seen any alligators, cause we were in salt water). Well… Steven’s boat started sinking (his drain plug fell out) so we got out and a shallow spot, it happened to be an oyster bed and my flip flop came off with the current and I stepped on the oysters- its like shards of glass going into your foot. It was the worst pain Ive ever had of stepping on something. I called off work because it is IMPOSSIBLE to walk, it sucks and its awful!

In other news, My momma got engaged today! After 15 long years since my daddy passed away I am thankful that my mom will not be alone anymore. Im happy for her and Adam!

Things have just been stressful lately between school, work, money, and my own sanity. Everything reminds me of Seth lately. The men going to work early in the morning. It reminds me of summer when Steven would leave for a week at a time and he’d kiss my tummy goodbye and be so excited when he came home to see how much I grew that week. The weather. Its getting warm here in Florida. Another reminder of last March when I found out I was pregnant and had serious hot flashes and sleep attacks. Life moving on is just a bad reminder. This month, March 25th, Seth would have been 6 months old. Oh my goodness, six months, wow! Imagine how big he would have been, how interactive he would have been. I miss him so much. Im so sad. I want another baby so bad. I just feel like I have nothing right now. Im thankful for all my goals with school and adulthood, it’s probably the only thing keeping me going that I wake up for. I miss my son. It hurts to see all of my friends babies growing up. My son could have been that big right now. Instead, Im sitting here crocheting, eating tuna out of a can cause im too lazy to cook or clean or stand, while my husband plays xbox all day.

Im scared to go into Seths baby room. We havnt touched it since a week before he died when we had the baby shower and set the whole room up. Im just scared Ill have a panic attack. I want to play with all of the little clothes and I want so bad to just put them on a baby and hold him or her. I just want to so bad.

Tomorrow we are painting memory boxes for the hospital at the crochet group. It hurts that these are going to more people, experiencing the same thing.

What if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise

Steven Finally talked to me the other day. It was a huge weight of reliefe. I have not really heard from him since Seth passed away and its been hard. I have felt so distant from him. I just need him. I dont know how I could live without him, even when we are in our biggest fight, I dont know how I could leave the man that gave me the chance to have my son Seth.

He finally told me how hurt he was. He mentioned that other people who dont want kids have them. How he feels like its our fault because we could have seen a different doctor and done different blood tests. He misses not being able to have someone around. He misses not having Seth to work on the truck with him. He misses having family. Steven once had brothers who passed away and he told me how lonely he has been, how friendless he has felt. No one to go fishing with, no one to hug and laugh with, Seth was his chance and Seth is gone.  Hes stressed, he has a lot on his shoulders with the business, his contractor down his throat, trying to take care of me.

In an odd way I felt loved. I felt free from all of this anger Ive been holding in. I just needed my husband to let go of his weight. Its true, when you are married you are one person, one life- not two people together. I feel every emotion that he does, I feel every tear, I feel every bit of anything. The most special moments in my life have come when Steven has cried with me. It has only happened 3 times since Ive known him. Once when I found a lump in my neck (turns out I was pregnant with Seth and it was just my lymph nodes swelling). Once when Seth died, and now once when he finally told me how much Seth has effected him. He is terrified for this to happen again like anyone would be, so am I. But if we dont try, we dont have a baby. We are still not going to try (BIG sigh).

It seems not fair that parents that are non-fit and treat their kids stupidly are having kids or more kids….

Anyways, I have felt a lot better, feeling less tension around the house. Steven went to work on a dock yesterday and came home last night after he got a rusted underwater nail in his foot so we went to the ER and he got a tetanus shot and some antibiotics to take so it wont get infected. Poor thing is limping around. I feel bad for him.

I was kind of hoping to do something today but I know He’s sore so Im gonna crochet, we have a showcase coming up at church so everyone can see who we are and join. The more the better!