365 days. 1 year has flown by since Seth was born. He would have been 1 year old today.
I have A LOT of anxiety today. I woke up at 2am and had super bad heartburn and could not sleep, I sat up in bed till about 4 for reliefe. I have been super super super paranoid about baby brea moving, I have not felt a strong crazy moving from her since a few days ago (even with a coke in hand). after much praying she barely kicked this morning and it was enough to relieve my hyperventilating anxiety. she moves but not a lot. Im going to talk to the doctor next week about it.
Sunday went better than I expected. Probably because no one noticed that Seths birthday was coming up and of course no one remembers that he was born on a Sunday except for our family. No one mentioned him. I wanted people to at least remember him, but I did not want to be asked about him.
Seth, you are my first child, my first son, and the first time I was ever given the opportunity to love someone SO much that I almost jumped out of my skin. I never knew how much love could be felt just by having a child. It is unspeakable. It is amazing. I cry because I miss you, because I wish I could have stopped it, because I miss the dreams I had for you, and because I see everyone else with their almost 1 year olds and just want to fall apart. You have consumed my life and thoughts and have dictated this pregnancy. Everything I do, I think of how different it would be if you were here. I have nothing planned for your first birthday but I wish I did. I wish it was grand. (sounds crazy but I wanted to take a cruise to be away so I could make this day happy for you, but Im too far along to climb aboard according to the lines). I hope it is a beautiful day in heaven. I hope the angels are singing and you get a break from your homework and all the 1 year olds come over to your nursery so you can all play harder than you have ever before. Grandpa Strait and great grandpa strait can visit you and tell you sweet stories about mommy. I can hear them laughing now. Its such a beautiful sound.
I heard the pastor preach on heaven and hell this week at church and he said all the things I ever wanted to say in the most perfect way. Why do I believe in heaven? 1. because my mommy told me so. Mom and dad taught me everything there was to know in the bible that spoke of heaven because I wanted to know. i remember at 4 asking momma and dad every question I could think of and they both sat down with me and like a grown up told me the straight up truth. 2. because my heart tells me so. Part of me died the day you did Seth and I felt the tug of heaven. I felt it in my grasp. I felt you leave my arms and go rest in Jesus’. I have felt this way about my own daddy after he died but you led me up to the gates and went on without me, like the big boy you are. I feel it in my heart. 3. My savior tells me so. “In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you” john 14:2. I believe that what God says is true. He would not have lied just for fun. In fact, you cannot catch Jesus in a lie ANYWHERE in the Bible, so why would he start with what he says here?
I miss everything about you. You felt so perfect in my arms. You were warm and chunky and so beautiful. You were a baby in my arms. I was a mom holding her son.
Dont forget me. One day we will meet, I wonder how old you will be then. Daddy and I miss you. I remember how family like it was 365 days ago. How close we drew together to plan your funeral. You were the closest thing we had to having everything.
I will never forget you. I cant believe it has been a year. You are precious.
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged anxiety, baby, Bible, Death, family, friends, God, health, Home, Infant, Infant Loss, infants, Pregnancy, rainbow baby, Stillbirth, stillborn
Today is Sunday. September 23, 2012.
These next few days are going to be rough ones.
Seth was born on September 25th, 2011 (this year it falls on Tuesday) on a gloomy Sunday morning like today.
I have been avoiding writing- in fear of history repeating itself, in fear of remembering what I felt that day, in fear of facing the truth that my son would have been 1 whole year old. 1 year.
I remember that morning. I woke up around 7 when the nurses shift changed (I was happy, I loved my day nurse). I had been contracting for 16 hours. Around 8 or 9am my water broke and my father in law had left for church while my sister, mother, mother in law, and husband, sat around me with saggy black eyes. we just sat their quiet ALL morning. While those at church were praying for a speedy delivery, I did just that, delivered my baby boy with no problems at 11:30.
Wow it has been a year. what do babies do at 1 year old? What would he have looked like? In the year I think I have hardened my heart to some bitterness because time grows further away from that moment when I met Seth. I notice that I am not so angry at pregnant women but I have less tolerance. I am more aggravated by people who talk about their children.
Life will not be normal. Brea will not bring Seth back. I miss him so dearly. All I can do is really be strong. I cant do anything else as these next few days come. They will drag but fly. Im tired. I dont want to cry today but I have been so emotional. I chalk it up to being very pregnant.
There will be flowers at church today for Seth’s birthday. Will people notice? does anyone care? Today is just as important to me as it was a year ago. Its all about my baby boy. I dont want people to forget. His birthday is much more important than mine.
Im going to listen to the heart monitor and get in the shower. (the baby has been really quiet this morning).
Posted in Family, Friends, Health, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged baby, child, Children, Death, family, friends, health, Home, Infant, Infant Loss, Loss, Pregnancy, son, Stillbirth, stillborn
Ok… so I have been struggling the last few days. People are having their baby’s around here and I know that I have plenty of time left but its making me so nervous. For some reason in the past 48 hours I can just close my eyes and smell the hospital room, feel the gown that I was wearing, and see myself breathing. I told Steven last night, I love Brea (I think this is what we are going with for her name) but it does not fill the void of having a son. Nothing will fill that void but I feel like a boy would make me so happy. Brea will make me happy… Im just still mourning Seth.
I thought maybe I was having a UTI so I called the doctor. We discussed my (VERY mild and intermittent) symptoms and I discussed how terrified I am to take any medication because during the last pregnancy I had a yeast infection for the ENTIRE pregnancy and finally the birthing center gave me a pill to take, they said it would start working in 24 hours. That day that I took the pill was the last time I felt Seth move. The nurse on the phone said “Oh honey, that pill is never recommended for pregnancy, I dont know why they gave that to you, we would never give you anything that would harm the baby. (she then prescribed an antibiotic that Im not going to take because I think its just my pregnancy and no infection).
My heart sunk. I feel so guilty now. I feel so angry. Almost a year after my son was born, I find out that this could have been the reason for his death. I put my trust in these women I was seeing, this birth center completely tried to make me feel like I had power, like I could make decisions, Yet they could not make a good decision for me. I want the whole place to shut down. I was told that other people have heard horror stories of babies dying from the center but yet I had never been able to find any facts that coincided with those statements… I cannot believe it. There is nothing I can do now and the birth center will still continue to treat women….. Wow. Talk about guilt and paranoia. Now I REALLY dont want to take any meds (and I always get a lot of infections during pregnancy). Im just aggravated.
I hope this week goes fast. I need this pregnancy to hurry up so I can see this baby, Im tired of being scared and anxious and crying every day… always wondering if today is the last day that I will know you.
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Health, Infant loss, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged anxiety, Death, family, health, Infant Loss, Pregnancy, rainbow baby, Stillbirth, stillborn
Ive been busy lately, its nice cause it makes time go by faster.
My 21st birthday was this week on Tuesday. It was great. My husband took the day off and just drove me around and stopped wherever I pointed lol. We stopped at Seth’s grave and talked for a little while. Then we went to dinner at a steakhouse and it was WONDERFUL. I had a great time. The girls at work got me a cake too yesterday .
Ive been thinking about a lot lately….
having our own home with some room,
starting school (I cant wait to wear those scrubs and get to ultrasounding!!!!!)
shaving my legs is like being blind and holding your breath while playing a sport… IMPOSSIBLE
Seth’s 1 year birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. I cant believe a year ago we had the worst day of our lives. It was amazing to meet my son and tragic under the circumstances. I never thought a year after saying goodbye to my son, I would be half way through another pregnancy with a baby girl on the way. I never thought we would be where we are. Seth made us special people. I miss him so much. It hurts.
It will be harder later this month. I just cant believe it has been a year, it has gone by so fast. It was like I held him yesterday!
Posted in death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged Death, family, friends, health, husband, Infant Loss, Pregnancy, rainbow baby, Stillbirth, stillborn
We never talked on a regular basis and I never expressed my gratitude towards this woman like I should have. All I could do is sit back and admire her from afar. She was too beautiful and too strong to approach sometimes. She was giving and very heartfelt. If I could choose to be someone in life, it would be her.
This amazing woman of God would take charge and do whatever she had to do to get things in order and done. She played a HUGE role in my wedding and baby shower. I cried like a baby when I heard last year that she had gone to be with Jesus (and still cry as I sit here writing this). Little did I know that weeks later my baby boy would be sitting right there with her. Her grief stricken husband preaching at Seth’s funeral… I found out at my shower (the week before Seth passed away) that Mrs. Glenda told Mrs. Ott to put on my cake “happy labor day”…. She was so adorable, so thoughtful, at a time when she was so sick, she was not even thinking about herself.
What can I say… No other woman has shown me how to be SO fearless. The wrapping up of the year since she left is a terrible terrible reminder of the following greif on Seths birthday. But who taught me how to be fearless on that day? Without her knowing, she did. Without many people knowing, Steven and I talked very often in the weeks following our son’s death about Mrs.Glenda and her love, and her and Seth meeting.
I miss her and her example. I just wish sometimes I would have paid attention a little more and said thank you a little more.
Thank you for your fearlessness. See you soon.
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged anxiety, anxious, Death, family, fearless, fearlessness, friends, God, health, Home, Infant Loss, jesus, peace, Stillbirth, stillborn
I am very grateful to be pregnant again but it stresses my body a lot. You forget sometimes the toll that comes along with pregnancy. Mentally for me it is a very big struggle to be pregnant and I have noticed it a lot in the last couple of days. My itching is so out of hand. My mind is racing all of the time and I cant think straight let alone talk, I cant get words to come out of my mouth, I am nervous and shaking all of the time, I just feel like a 2 year old who cant think for themselves. I know its a normal part of pregnancy but for me its the worst. I can deal with the physical symptoms that come with pregnancy but I have a very hard time dealing with the hormonal mental side of it. After this baby, it will be a very long time before we have another. Two years of being pregnant is enough, its just too much for my anxiety and mental state, it makes me feel like a nutcase.
My morning sickness has gone away and I have been trying to enjoy all of this but when one thing goes away (I should know), another symptom comes on.
Im just ready for some ways to get rid of my anxiety. Steven said he wants to take me somewhere every weekend, we can just pack up and drive till we find something fun to do. Thats nice but this weekend we are busy and next weekend I work. I just need a break… bad. I should have taken some time of work this month but Im trying to save all of my PTO for the baby. I only made 60 hours PTO in the last 4 months and I wanted to take 12 weeks off but it looks like I will only have a little over a month saved up by the time the baby is here.
Every day is more anxiety filled. I have terrible dreams, I am sore and emotional and just want to cry all of the time. My husband is a very stern and non-emotional man so I just feel like sometimes he walks away from me when Im feeling this way and thats when I need him the most. I understand, its how he deals with all of this. Every day I am one day closer to seeing my baby. But I am one day closer to a doctors appointment, a result, a hospital visit. Its just so scary not knowing whats going to happen and not to have that first time naive pregnancy feeling. I miss that, feeling invincible. Now I feel like a real adult because I feel like anything could hit me and end my life or the babies life at any moment. I know that is such negative thinking, I dont think that all of the time but it is what nature has bestowed upon me after I realized from Seth that nothing is impossible. I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday so I hope that all goes well.
Cant wait for the weekend. I need to clean all day Saturday (ugh), and go to a wedding on Sunday.
Stay safe Rainbow.
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Health, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Work
Tagged anxiety, babies, baby, child, Children, Death, family, health, Hormone, hormones, Morning sickness, Pregnancy, Pregnancy and Birth, Reproductive Health, Work
I read a woman’s stillbirth blog about how she spent time with her son after he was born. It made me wonder… did I not love Seth any more because I didnt not spend that much time with him before they took him away. I didnt ask for more time, I didnt stay that long. Within 5 hours of giving birth I left the hospital and maybe maximum one of those hours I had Seth in my arms.
I loved Seth, more than I have ever loved anyone else. I think God gave me Seth to show me what His love is like because I never understood a parents love, let alone, love THAT amazing and strong. I loved him but right away when he was born I just knew it. It’s like I’ve heard pastor say when Mrs.Glenda passed away by his side. “She was just the house that the spirit was living in and her look completely changed when she took her last breath”. Seth looked different. He did not look like a human because he was not. He was a shell that a spirit was housed in. He was the shell that I was just holding, while his being was not there. He did not have an expression, there was no connection when I looked in his eyes. Of course I got no response of his love for his mother because he was not there. Like a snail, his shell was in my arms, and his little snail body was sitting up in heaven.
I have to come to terms with myself that it was ok to not spend a whole day with Seth before I left because he was not in my arms, as much as I wanted him to be. Seth was beautiful and I will never regret having that baby boy change my life, but I need to remember that His real personality, traits, and beauty was first seen by God. He never had to take a breath into this crazy world.
When Seth took his first breath, he was sitting in Jesus’ arms, already enjoying the benefits of a perfect life. Some people wait a lifetime to get that chance and Seth just took it while it was early.
To my baby, you opened my eyes.
I never felt what God could be, till you opened my eyes to the vastness that this world is more than me and God is bigger than this world. I understood because for the first time in my adult life I stared death in the face and I got it. I felt it. I felt death. I felt its taste and knew what it was. It is the separation of body and soul, and that is it. You can see it in their eyes. in their face, in their limp body. I got it. I experienced its grip first hand through my son. It was like I felt it altogether. because Seth IS a piece of me and I felt him go to heaven. It is a feeling like no other, and although it did not feel good to physically lose my baby, I am greatful that God opened my eyes to the realness. There is no way that there is no God. When you see Him and feel Him through something this big, there is no way it could all be a made up story. God seems more real and seriously in my face more today than any other time.
Im not here to preach and I have always believed in God but in a weird way I want to remind myself of how I felt right at that moment when I said goodbye to him. It wasnt my last, I will see him again.
I think God will gift Rainbow with a compassionate heart and when the time is right he/she will learn of Seth and Im sure, be sad, but greatful that we have a chance to see him again.
Posted in death, Family, Health, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged babies, baby, child, Children, Death, family, God, Infant Loss, jesus, Religion and Spirituality, Stillbirth, stillborn
I think I did well on my physics midterm!Ill find out this morning, if I ever get there. i have 20 minutes till I have to leave and I cant get up, UGH. I am trying so hard to eat but Im just pushing my food around like a child. Im starving but the smell and taste of anything, I gag at just seeing it. I have been just looking at my food crying for ten minutes. sooo hungry.
Im glad I have today off, although I have to clean, grocery shop, and study…. at least I can do it on my own time after school today cause I just feel like throwing up all over.
Stay Safe Rainbow.
P.S.- I took in all of the boxes, blankets and hats that we made for the hospital stillbirths and the nurses loved them they were so greatful. They said that everyone forgets about their mom and baby unit (at the hospital I work at) because most people send their donations to the childrens hospital in town. It felt so good to do something good and the nurses were beyond excited, their faces lit up and she kept saying, you dont know what it means to these women to have these. To avoid my crying hormones, I smiled and said, … I know. and turned around and walked away as they scrummaged through their goodies. Thank God for such a compassionate heart.
Posted in Cause for Action, crochet, death, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, School, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged babies, baby, charity, child, Children, crochet, crochet for a cause, Death, donations, Education, family, giving, health, Home, Infant Loss, Morning sickness, Mother, Parenting, physics, Pregnancy, rainbow baby, school, Senses, Smell and Taste, stillbirths, stillborn
This amazes me as much as it does you. IM PREGNANT! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. Ok so I’m very excited and so so happy, there is nothing more that I have wanted and it could not have happened at a better time. I am very leery of letting people know but I splurged it on facebook today because Steven was mad that I wasnt telling people. I guess that is good to hear from him but I dont think he knows the terrifying feeling that I have. I am TERRIFIED that something may go wrong. I am only 4 weeks and 2 days but as my husband told me, what matters if you lost the baby at 6 weeks or 36 weeks, people will find out.We live in a close knit town and go to a close knit church and have lets just say, blabber mouth friends tehehe. And this is true, so while this is real and while this is happening I want to celebrate! with all of my insane mood swings and tears, with every ounce of indigestion, with every gas bubble, belly ache, and yes- with every vomit filled morning – I welcome you my rainbow* angel baby! You are the center of my world right now (well, Im still thinking of physics too for about 3 more weeks lol).
What I am scared of – I have MTHFR. This could mean my blood could clot and deprive angel baby of needed bloodflow. So I PRAY with all of my might that every day God will breathe into this baby and give it the life that it needs to meet me in 36 weeks.
I am going to call the doctor tomorrow to ask a few questions. Someone at work who also has MTHFR saw this doctor and said he is the best around and after looking him up online there was not 1 bad review out of every review written (that is a miracle for doctors around here lol).
I need to ask
1. Will I see Dr.F every time when I come in since this is a large practice?
2. Do I come in earlier than recommended because Ive had a previous stillbirth?
3. Do I need to be taking asprin while waiting for my first visit so my blood is not clotted to the baby?
4.What are your hours?
I need to ask the Dr.
1. Am I high risk?
2. Will I be on blood thinners?
3. Will there be any extra monitering?
4. My blood pressure was high, I stopped taking my medicines and its back to normal, should I still be taking the meds or should I just be keeping a record?
5. Why have I been itching on and off for a year? Is it more than stress, I have a suspicion of what it could be since it falls in line with MTHFR mutations but I dont want to freak myself out, how have my past blood works turned out or is there new blood work to make sure that I am ok?
Yes… Im doing this because back to the note-taking it is. Pregnancy brain (fuzziness) has already set in and I have sticky notes with things to do laying all over the house.
OH AND- I bought one of these babies!-
The Sonoline B fetal doppler! I heard its great and I think it will make me feel more at ease, these are must have things for women who have experienced miscarriage and/or stillbirth. I read awesome reviews and it looks like ussually around 9 weeks is when you can hear with this doppler and it shows you the heart rate on the screen = <3.
Ok… I cant think straight lol, Im going to finish studying for my test tomorrow and soak it in and I am more than anxious about talking to the doctors office tomorrow.
Stay safe rainbow baby
*for those of you who do not know: women who have lost a baby and then have another often refer to the following living baby as a rainbow baby.
Rainbow babies: In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as “Rainbow Babies.” The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. “Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.*
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, MTHFR, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, School, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged anxiety, anxious, babies, baby, blood, child, Children, clotting, Death, doctor, family, fetal doppler, happy, health, Home, Im pregnant, Infant Loss, Loss, MTHFR, OBGYN, Pregnancy, questions, rainbow baby, scared, Sonoline B, Stillbirth, stillborn
Ever since I have joined this unwanted sorority of lost moms, I have found that stillbirth and misscarraige is happening every day, more than any of us wants it to. I have been invited to forums, blogs, facebook pages, faces of loss pen pal program, and other online coping programs but the loss is so great. It seems like almost every day another woman is struck again. It is burdening, it is aching. I wish I could do something about it. I have been so blind to how many children will be in heaven. I just imagine a handful, but this heavenly nursery must be overflowing! It is a heavy feeling. It is sad. And to know that most of these women have gone through it once before this time, … is scary.
God have mercy. Us women, we are broken. We are tired. We are hoping for our children, excitedly waiting. so many of us have problems having children and yet I know many a 16 year olds who cant take care of a baby for their life that are having them… why?…
sometimes we don’t get an answer.
I hope in time, we can do something to better support each other. This is for you faces of loss, women of empty arms, mothers of the childrenless.
Posted in death, Friends, Health, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged babies, baby, child, Children, Death, faces of loss, God, hope, infant death, Infant Loss, jesus, love, mercy, Mother, Pen pal, People, Pregnancy, sad, sadness, Stillbirth, stillborn, Support group