Well, We have come to 34 weeks, about the time that I had Seth in September of 2011. From here on out, this is all new to me. The bigger baby, the heavier feeling. It is all very welcome but I am ready to have this baby. Im ready to meet my daugther. I went to my specialist today. He said that everything is looking good but my blood pressure is still borderline at home. I just have to keep taking it daily and all. I asked about the baby’s weight. I am a little concerned because well- the baby is almost 6 pounds!!!! HOLY MOLY. Ok, so shes exactly 5lbs 10 oz to be exact and is 18 in long. Seth was born at 34 weeks and weighed 5 lbs exactly and was 19.5 in long. So The doctor said that she will probably be on the big side of the average scale (shes running in the 80th percentile) but in a way it is good news. HOW?? (a freaked out mother like me would ask lol), he said that usually hypertension causes a baby to be small so at least we know that my blood pressure is not effecting the baby because she is a little large. To that I replied- so what kind of weight are we looking at here? The doc said that he does not want me to go past 39 weeks (Im measuring a week ahead anyways) so if they schedule me to have the baby between 38 and 39 weeks he’s guesstimating a baby around 8.5 pounds…. (!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT???) lol… I guess it sounds scary but it is only scary because this is really happening, Im so close and Im really going to have a baby . Ill be 38 weks on Dec. 28th and it is my goal to have this baby no later than the 30th lol… Ill be doing all kinds of jumping jacks and squatting and walking. I cant wait- Im 4 weeks away from having this baby (most likely). It would be cute to have a Christmas baby but honestly- I want to enjoy my Christmas food- ugh I cant wait, it just sounds so good thinking about it (the food). Man all of this baby day dreaming is getting me all crazy .
Wow I have so much to do! washing, fixing the baby’s room up, baby shower…. Speaking of, I am having my baby shower on Saturday. I was not excited until today. (this may get confusing) I work at a hospital, all of our local hospitals (4 of them) are owned by the same company, I work at a central/south location. Well today I went to the main campus downtown (where my mother in law works) because one of the cardiologists was having a baby shower and I made her a little owl security blanket and got her a few gifts. (I freakin love this doctor she is sooooo cute!) Anyways it was so much fun to see her smile and have a good time! I am glad that I went because it kind of put me in the mood for my own; I have not at all been wanting to have a shower. Thankfully my mother in law is helping out with the cake and punch and some early arrivers will help me set up the decoration stuff. Im just so excited that its so stinking close now lol. I feel like I have sooo much to do and so little time to do it! Really my husband is the one who has all the work to do. .
In home news, we are all moved it, it is not exactly as organized as I want but Oh well, I cant do much at this point with limited bending and such. Aida (our husky), has adjusted well. She sleeps alot but Im soooo glad to see her feeling a little better. I think she was sad about leaving the other dog that she hung out with at my in laws but that was a great growing experience for her. She has had no accidents in the week that she has been here. The only thing is that she was not eating at all… unless is was human food and I didnt want to give her any till she started to eat her dog food. Well FINALLY today I took her for a walk and when we came back she went to her food bowl and ate her food (VICTORY IS MINE!). So proud of my baby girl . She even has been loving on me and sleeping next to my side of the bed the last two nights because Ive been sick (she never sleeps on my side, she loves her dad so much). I had a fever last night and yesterday I was just sick all day long and she just slept right next to me and never left my side, shes still sleeping next to me as I type this.. I love that girl
Ok, Ill stop all my crazy talk, I really need a nap so I can rid this awful sinus thing I got going on.
AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most wonderful woman in the world, my MOMMA! Im so happy to have you around and I hope it was a good day. I owe you a cake when Im feeling better and I have no chance of contaminating it and getting you sick
Posted in Family, Friends, Health, Holidays, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Work
Tagged babies, baby, Baby shower, Children, Christmas, delivery, doctor, dog, dogs, family, friends, health, Holidays, Home, hospital, Pregnancy, rainbow baby, Work
So today starts a VERY long 10 weeks. Yesterday when I went to my perinatologist they did an ultrasound and the tech said that everything was looking good. the baby still had her head enveloped and smooshed against my placenta lol, but at least she is head down again. She was 3 lbs 5 oz and 15.9 in long. I will be 30 weeks in a couple of days. Im excited but now Im very nervous because they told me that my blood pressure has slowly been rising in my logs and that they think it is best for me to not continue working. They are specialists, this is their job to make me and the baby stay healthy… but its hard to accept. So starting today Im not working until after delivery. I cried last night before bed, I cried when I woke up today, and I cried when Steven called me. Financially it is scary (I took out short term disability hoping to use it for the baby but now, if I even get accepted, it will be all used up by the time the baby gets here). What is keeping me sane is the fact that this is my favorite season, my daughter is on her way, and I have a ton of cleaning and preparing to do. What is driving me crazy is, now I have to limit my baby spending, which is my favorite thing to do- baby shop.
Sometime this week I have to complete yet ANOTHER 24 hour urine test to look at my kidney’s and the effect my blood pressure is having on my body (that sucks). Everything is going to be all smooshed into weekly slots now because I see my specialist every Monday and my OB every Thursday until the end.
So I guess the point of me staying home is to lessen my anxiety and my blood pressure so I will try to do my hypnobirthing a little bit every day and keep calm. In 4 weeks, it will be the the same amount of weeks in which I lost Seth. That is going to be hard to cope with. Tip-toeing past every day from that point, wondering if we’re going to make it.
I feel so guilty for not working because Im not sick, Im just pregnant with high blood pressure. I hope my husband does not feel burdened but I hope too that work continues to pile up for him. He loves to work. He told me the other day that he is glad that work has picked up because it makes him feel like a man and he is glad to be busy. I pray that he gets a full 40 hours of work every week through the end of this medical leave I have to take.
There are jobs I can try to get at the hospital like sitting jobs (sitting with the elderly and baker acts) but if I am being paid by my employer then I am not on FMLA like my specialist requested and they can refuse treatment and my insurance can refuse payment. ….
I just feel like poop not doing anything productive but I promise to keep up with the housework, finish all of the baby projects I started, and take good care of myself daily now. This will eventually end and I will eventually have my job to go back to, Thank the Lord.
Its almost November :-O…. oh my word, this baby will be here soon.
Posted in anxiety, Family, Health, Holidays, Infant loss, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged anxiety, baby, Blood pressure, child, Children, daughter, fall, family, health, Holidays, Home, husband, Hypertension, Infant Loss, Pregnancy, rainbow baby, seasons, son, Stillbirth, stillborn, Work
I need to write. I feel like my anxiety has sky rocketed today. Im 100% sure that its pregnancy hormones, I had to same anxious problems with Seth’s pregnancy. I really hope it goes away. Im itching, Im fidgiting, my mind is racing. I am all nervous cause my physics midterm is tomorrow. I feel like throwing up cause Im having morning sickness… Im not complaining, I love every bit of it but Im scared of being anxious.
Last night I had bad stomach cramps and I laid there crying thinking, oh Lord Im going to go through this all over again. Im going to have a baby, be in pain for hours… I should not let my mind take over like that, I cant wait till my cousin gives me my hypnobirthing CD’s back so I can relax myself a little more. Im just so nervous about going through all this pain again and being anxious for a whole nine months again from my crazy hormones.
God be with me and calm my nerves,
and upset stomach .
Stay safe rainbow.
P.s. Happy mothers day. It was great. My sister got me chocolate covered strawberries, and money to go towards my 4 D ultrasound so I can get in on a DVD!!! Im so excited!!! and I got a BEAUTIFUL blooming cactus from my momma. It wasnt easy, I cried a lot today, but I made it through. Happy mothers day, especially to all of you angel mothers out there today- even if you dont have a rainbow- you are a mom, a beautiful mom!
Posted in anxiety, Family, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, School
Tagged anxiety, anxious, babies, baby, child, Children, DVD, family, health, Holiday, Holidays, Home, Hormone, mom, Morning sickness, mothers day, physics, Pregnancy, Pregnancy and Birth, rainbow baby, school, sister, ultrasound
Sometimes, even as an adult, I feel like an orphan. I feel like I have no where to go and no where to call home. I dont have any place to run to when I just need to get away and be around things that make me happy.
I just need some space lately. Ive been thinking a lot about the next few months. The 25th of this month will be 6 months since Seth has been gone. April is Steven and I’s two year (wedding) anniversary (been together 5 years). This has been the hardest year of my life and hopefully the hardest (only one) year. May is Mothers day. I am not happy and I will not be. May last year everyone told me happy mothers day and took me out to eat and bought me presents and this year… This year I am not going to church cause I do not want to see anyone. I do not want to do anything for mothers day and as selfish as it is I do not want to celebrate it for anyone because I want to be alone instead of crying my eyes out in Red Lobster.
I wish I could do better. I wish I could give more to my sister and have my own place that she could live with us at. I wish I had a baby. I wish these next few months would fly. I thought Christmas would be hard. I think Mothers day will be the hardest day of my life.
I think I cried so hard at church the other day when brother Larry played a song for Mrs. Glenda because Mrs. Glenda was a mother hen to everyone but she was special to me. She did almost EVERYTHING for my wedding day, she planned my baby shower… When I see Mrs. Glenda’s picture, I see Seth, they only died a month apart and sometimes, Maybe, I think, Mrs. Glenda went to heaven first so that she could get things ready for Seth. It’s like she knew. It’s like Seth was being waited on up there. I feel selfish because it is not fair….
Its been a hard few days. I dont sleep anymore, maybe I get like three hours a night. I dont think Ill ever be a normal person again.
tonight is the crocheting group and tomorrow I have off work. hopefully I can relax and do something I enjoy
The days do not get ANY easier, you just become more able to tolerate your emotions.
Posted in crochet, death, Hobbies, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged Death, family, Holidays, Home, Infant Loss, mothers day, Parenting, Stillbirth, stillborn
I think I finally let go of the anger I’ve been harboring the last couple of months… finally. It does not mean that it’s easy to hear about pregnancies or babies but I have less harsh of thoughts. Christmas evening was very therapeutic.
Thanks to another stillbirth mom blogger, I took her idea of letting off wishing lanterns on the beach. Before we went to the beach, we stopped at the park near home to take some pictures because Steven and I have NEVER taken ANY pictures since our wedding day (almost a year and 9 months ago). It was SO much fun and Im so thankful. My wonderful friend Kayla got a new camera for christmas and snapped these beautiful pictures.
This was just wonderful. It was emotionally uplifting and just gave me a moment to smile which I havnt felt a true one in a while. Steven was in a bad mood at first but when he got to lighting the wishing lanterns he finally came around. Im just ready. Im ready for the new year. Im ready to move on. Im ready to get a house (we are on the search for our permanent home (YAY)). Im ready to start a family.
Two young women came up to us while we were lighting our lanterns and asked me what my wish was, I replied in a desperate and crazy blurting out “BABIES, I want babies!” lol, Now that I look back at that, its funny that I sounded so crazy, but thats what my mind is thinking. A group of Canadians that were down visiting the beach stopped and asked if they could pay us for one wishing lantern. The womans daughter was pregnant and they wanted to wish a healthy baby.My husband said, “you know what its Christmas… here, take one”…. It was God. In that quiet night with crashing waves, God reminded me that babies are still being made, life is still going on, and other people are still existing with beautiful children. And thats ok. I pray God gives us another, but if He dosnt, I pray he keeps me away from the bitterness that is so easy to harbor. It was nice to share this memorial experience with you all.
All for baby Seth.
Posted in death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, MTHFR, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged babies, baby, beach, Christmas, Death, family, God, Holidays, Infant Loss, jesus, memorial, photography, Pregnancy, pregnant, Stillbirth, stillborn, wishing lanterns
Black Friday: the day after Thanksgiving where people dont sleep and stay up all night to go shopping for deals (usually fights and crazy things occur over lots of items) and then sleep all afternoon. (I am not partaking in such nonsense lol).
About to head off for work, its 5 AM and Im so sick ugh, it sucks, I want to lay in bed and sleep all day and I still have two more days of work.