Motherhood

I know it has been so long but I have just been so so busy.

Must vent!

I’m exhausted. I’ve cried every day this week because from 5 in the morning to 10 at night it is all about the baby all of the time. She sleeps good and shes a good baby but she eats ALL the time and poops all the time and needs attention all the time… I know, its what I expected and I am so thankful and I said that I would never complain but sometimes I need some help. 

It’s a little too much to ask for 1 day to myself ( or not even to myself, just for 1 day with some help). Now I will be starting school and be in school ALL day and practicing scanning (sonography) after school. Between weekends and Monday I work about 33 hours. When I come home I have to feed and bathe the baby and put her to bed and then Im ready for bed, only God knows how I will be able to study to pass this program. 

It would not be so bad if I had help. Im not going to make this a bashing thing but let’s face it, I dont have any help at home… Im very very bitter about it because Ive asked so many times and nothing works. It makes me sad because its just making me a bitter person. I want more children but cannot and will not have any more most likely because I cannot do this all myself all over again. 

Its not been a good few weeks. Of course I am very scared about school (im paying a lot of money, I want to pass). Im worried about my sister (shes 19 and is not and should not have to be on her own but someone else in this house is not being nice about helping her… I will not put up with someone not caring about family). My mom is chugging along with her battle with cancer. Im so proud of her. She’s so brave and she’s gone through so much treatment and hospital stays and bad days and good days and she’s got this – we all know it!

home just has not been good to me lately. I feel like Im batteling a little bit of depression, not because I can’t handle the problems but because I cant put up with certain problems… or people. I would much rather be away from home (not the baby… just home). Shopping, work, school, cleaning the car out- anything is better than being at home. 

I really do want sleep though. Im very sleep deprived this week which does not help. The baby sleeps perfect. 12 hours straight through every night since about 2 months. Im just so tired because… I guess because Im aggravated at home. I always used to say that I would spill my guts out all over this blog but sometimes I just cant for the sake of keeping  half decent relationships with people since I know they read this. 

All I want for mothers day (which I know I wont get), is to have no one argue with me, and be by myself. no noise, no aggravation, no responsibilities to tend to every waking (and sleeping) moment of the day.. That is not possible, and its ok. I just need to see that Im going to get help during the school week or things are going to change in my life really fast. 

 

Brea has been growing like a weed. She sits up with assistance. She eats baby food now (we just tried peas tonight- she HATES them … ). She babbles alot. Smiles alot. Poops alot. Eats every three hours. Sleeps 12 hours a night. Takes a couple of naps a day. Refused the pacifier a month ago and now sucks on her fingers all of the time. Shes 18 weeks and 1 day today. Shes my world. She makes me smile. She makes me get up. She makes us all happy when we’re having a sucky day. Shes the sunshine to me and my momma. She is my beautiful baby. I could not live without her. I will give up whatever I have to if it means that I will always have her to take care of (at least till she doesnt want me to anymore when shes 30 ). 

Welcome baby!

Its been such a long time because— you guessed it- Brea was born!!!!!!!

I have had such a hectic 3 weeks that I feel very much like I have lost 10 years of my life.

It was so hard to keep it a secret, I didnt want to come out and write my induction date (because we wanted to soak up Brea to ourselves in those first hours) but I was induced at exactly 38 weeks for my hypertension and I was ready. Brea was born on December 28th at 11:49 AM.  My pitocin started at 4:50 AM and I was 4cm dialated coming into the hospital. at 7:40 the Doctor came in and broke my water, my mother in law showed up soon after. My mom showed up around 9:30 (she was not feeling well  so she came later) when my contractions were getting a little out of hand. I was breathing through them but with much difficulty. At 10 AM I begged for an epidural, I was 6 cm then. 10:30 AM the epidural was in and it was AMAZING- no regrets, I totally felt better. the nurse checked me and I went to 10 cm in just that time that I was getting the epidural done. Around 11 AM I started to push and with each contraction (because I felt the urge very much to push).Steven stood on my left and held my leg and whispered how amazing I was doing. My mother inlaw held my right leg because my mom was in a lot of pain (but I know my mom would have loved to) Im glad my mom stood right next to me on the right and told me how close Brea was.  I was so excited that she was finally coming so I pushed with all my might . My doctor came through the door at just the right time (after he had been drug stat to another room on his way to delivering my baby). Speaking of, I love my doctor,  he was great with the delivery and care of the pregnancy and baby… I pushed about 3 times once the doctor was there and there she was, screaming in my arms. I couldnt help but cry. We all cried. It was the best moment of my life. My baby was here, moving, screaming, and breathing. She was all mine now. Every one on the whole floor seemed excited for me. The nurses took the baby and cleaned her, Steven went with them (he was very sick that day and night but he was totally involved and excited). Brea’s face and arm was bruised just from the way she came out of the birth canal but she was perfect either way. I didnt sleep for the next two nights. Overwhelming fear of her choking, not eating, and me not knowing what to do kept us both up. I winded up sleeping for like 1 whole hour with her in my arms in the bed, I dont care what the nurses said, I was going to hold her if I wanted.

We stayed from Friday to Sunday and we needed all the time we could get at the hospital so we could get all of those first time parent questions answered. We were clueless and completely fearful. But this was the most exciting time of our life.

We went home Sunday afternoon and on New Years went back to the hospital because Brea’s eye was infected and her Jaundice was terrible. They ran tests and admitted her due to the high bilirubin. She had to be kept under UV lights with these goggle things on her eyes. I was a mess. I cried all night long and I was exhausted- pumping and feeding EVERY two hours on the dot. Finally at 2 AM I broke down and called my mom and cried into the phone for about 10 minutes before I heard this desperate “Im so sorry, I wish I could be there for you right now”.

Automatic fear… I heard something in my momma’s voice that I have never heard before…. At that same time, my mom was across town, in the main hospital. She had been in pain for months and finally had it. She went to the ER and they told her that they found cancer. I lost it when she just said “I have to tell you something”…. I knew already what it was. I fell in my chair in that hospital peds room and screamed. (To this day I do not know how no one else heard me and came to check on me). I cried so hard that my face was puffy and  tomato red… How could I be sitting here complaining about getting no sleep and not knowing how to handle this baby (the thing I have prayed for all this time) while my mom was sitting alone in a hospital stretcher waiting to be moved to the oncology floor. How could I. How could this happen? This is the woman who is my ENTIRE world. She taught me everything. She grew me up. Taught me everything I know. Without her I would have not survived  Without her I would be an orphan. Without her I would be incomplete. She is a beautiful woman, strong, courageous, my mentor. I love her. I cant wait till she gets better.

We have yet to 100% find out where the cancer is coming from but they think it is from the uterus (which they removed). (The cancer has moved to the lung).  She has an appointment with the oncologist on the 30th.

So now you know how my last three weeks have gone. I have been running back and forth to mom’s house to see her with the baby. The baby is good medicine to her. I love my daughter and I hope to be here for a long time for her so I really plan to start changing my lifestyle.

I bought this book to share with my mom called the cancer-fighting kitchen and it has a bunch of cancer fighting foods in it. I would like to make something out of it once a week at least and phase out my diet to include healthy foods. I also will promise myself to get my pap done every year for my mom’s sanity sake.

I start school in a few months… days are just flying by. Feed, burp, change poop, bathe. Theres no time for anything else, I barely get time to take a shower. I love it all so much, it is just stressful and very very sleep depriving. I dont remember a night where I got more than 4 hours of sleep (broken up or not).

At least we have a good baby… except for some colic shes adorable and barely makes trouble.

Swollen knee?

Im trying not to be paranoid but I am sort of freaking out. Today was a very busy day. I went to the beach with my sister and friend. we came home and painted some more boxes for the hospital, played the xbox kinect, and then I wiped down and vacuumed out my car. When I got in the shower tonight I was washing down my legs and noticed that behind my left knee in the crease there is a round swollen spot the size of a small orange. It does not hurt but its scaring me. I dont want it to be a blood clot or something scary/scarier.

I dont want to go to the doctor and them tell me that Im crazy. I guess Ill see what it looks like tomorrow. I have a financial aid appt before work tomorrow in the morning so Im praying that in the morning ALL swelling is gone so I dont have to go to the doc. Im just so scared and emotional and really upset that my husband is not here to talk to  me about all this so he can hold me and ease my fears. Hes so good at that and Im having such a hard time not seeing him (because of his work schedule). I absolutely hate this.

Hormone anxiety

I need to write. I feel like my anxiety has sky rocketed today. Im 100% sure that its pregnancy hormones, I had to same anxious problems with Seth’s pregnancy. I really hope it goes away. Im itching, Im fidgiting, my mind is racing. I am all nervous cause my physics midterm is tomorrow. I feel like throwing up cause Im having morning sickness… Im not complaining, I love every bit of it but Im scared of being anxious.

Last night I had bad stomach cramps and I laid there crying thinking, oh Lord Im going to go through this all over again. Im going to have a baby, be in pain for hours… I should not let my mind take over like that, I cant wait till my cousin gives me my hypnobirthing CD’s back so I can relax myself a little more. Im just so nervous about going through all this pain again and being anxious for a whole nine months again from my crazy hormones.

God be with me and calm my nerves,

and upset stomach .

Stay safe rainbow.

P.s. Happy mothers day. It was great. My sister got me chocolate covered strawberries, and money to go towards my 4 D ultrasound so I can get in on a DVD!!! Im so excited!!! and I got a BEAUTIFUL blooming cactus from my momma. It wasnt easy, I cried a lot today, but I made it through. Happy mothers day, especially to all of you angel mothers out there today- even if you dont have a rainbow- you are a mom, a beautiful mom!

Memory Boxes for Stillbirth

So, At the crocheting group, us ladies painted boxes for stillbirth mothers to take home with them. I was given one at the hospital and it is one of the small few memories that I have of Seth because of course after giving birth to my sleeping son, I came home with nothing but this box with his clothes and a blanket and hat that someone made him. It has turned out in the last few months, to mean the world to me.

Almost none of the ladies painted before this and this was the first time I did one stroke painting. Im so proud of all the women, here are the boxes!

YAY!!!

These are paper mache boxes that you can get from a craft store. I got mine from hobby lobby. We used acrylic paints. I want to do LOADS of these. I wish I had the money and time to make this a non-profit organization. We so need the donations of boxes, yarn, and paint. I want to make a ton. I want to make a difference. I want to give these women some hope. Their lives will forever be changed and this box may be all that they have left of their baby.

I used to paint and I totally want to get back into it so I can become more creative with the boxes.

I started drawing a light collage of stuff so I can pick painting back up like I used to and get some practice in. I just wish I could quit my job and help people, forever. Im so compassionate. I cry at the thought of someone going through the same thing.

God will grant me with the time, money, skills, and product that I need to do this if this is what he wants me to continue to do.

Lots of things

Steven and I went kayaking Sunday.  It was beautiful. We spent 4 hours on the water (and thank God, we didnt seen any alligators, cause we were in salt water). Well… Steven’s boat started sinking (his drain plug fell out) so we got out and a shallow spot, it happened to be an oyster bed and my flip flop came off with the current and I stepped on the oysters- its like shards of glass going into your foot. It was the worst pain Ive ever had of stepping on something. I called off work because it is IMPOSSIBLE to walk, it sucks and its awful!

In other news, My momma got engaged today! After 15 long years since my daddy passed away I am thankful that my mom will not be alone anymore. Im happy for her and Adam!

Things have just been stressful lately between school, work, money, and my own sanity. Everything reminds me of Seth lately. The men going to work early in the morning. It reminds me of summer when Steven would leave for a week at a time and he’d kiss my tummy goodbye and be so excited when he came home to see how much I grew that week. The weather. Its getting warm here in Florida. Another reminder of last March when I found out I was pregnant and had serious hot flashes and sleep attacks. Life moving on is just a bad reminder. This month, March 25th, Seth would have been 6 months old. Oh my goodness, six months, wow! Imagine how big he would have been, how interactive he would have been. I miss him so much. Im so sad. I want another baby so bad. I just feel like I have nothing right now. Im thankful for all my goals with school and adulthood, it’s probably the only thing keeping me going that I wake up for. I miss my son. It hurts to see all of my friends babies growing up. My son could have been that big right now. Instead, Im sitting here crocheting, eating tuna out of a can cause im too lazy to cook or clean or stand, while my husband plays xbox all day.

Im scared to go into Seths baby room. We havnt touched it since a week before he died when we had the baby shower and set the whole room up. Im just scared Ill have a panic attack. I want to play with all of the little clothes and I want so bad to just put them on a baby and hold him or her. I just want to so bad.

Tomorrow we are painting memory boxes for the hospital at the crochet group. It hurts that these are going to more people, experiencing the same thing.

1 year ago, and a valentines day to go

Today I visited Seth. I called the memorial place and they said they place the vase when they set the stone, the vase was just upside down in the stone so it wouldnt get stolen so I turned it over and put two roses in it. One from me, and one for Steven.

There are days like today where I’m angry. I feel like a failure as a wife and mom. I feel like I want to get away from everyone and everything, especially pregnant women. I just cant take it anymore.  I cant stand seeing real pregnant people or hearing about people being pregnant, especially people I dont like because they were mean to me in the past. Why do they get the chance and I dont. I just feel so distant and hopeless. Where did everything go, it seems like my whole castle crumbled down and now there is nothing in sight. Everything is in pieces and we arnt ready for a family but why- that makes me angry, I want to. I cant stand it, I just want them to go away. I want to get rid of my facebook because its infested with pregnant women but it has ALL of my pictures of everything including Seths things. My last computer crashed and I dont have anything from that computer and I dont want that to happen again and not have any back up.

Im just thinking so irrationally. Today at the grave site I was laying on the ground (in my scrubs again) and some lady came to put a balloon on the grave next to me and she left and I cried and cried. I thought for a slight second, Ill just dig the grave up and see Seth one more time and put the dirt back…. WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT? I just laid there while all these maintenance men came by, I dont care. It just makes me mad that people get to see their children every day, women become mommy like after having a baby, things change- BUT what about me? what about my life and my family?  Just give me something to believe in that this whole mess will be put back together and I will have a baby soon. I just want to finish school and have my baby. I have not felt a melt down like this for a while.

I think another problem is, We have now officially come full circle to one year of all my thoughts with Seth. Tomorrow on Valentines day, it will be 1 whole year since we conceived Seth . Yes, we made him last valentines day, we did. Valentines day will not be sweet this year, I will not enjoy it. We arnt even doing anything anyways. I just need to spend the night alone, in bed, half-asleep.

Goodnight, vacation could not come any sooner (next week)

What if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise

Steven Finally talked to me the other day. It was a huge weight of reliefe. I have not really heard from him since Seth passed away and its been hard. I have felt so distant from him. I just need him. I dont know how I could live without him, even when we are in our biggest fight, I dont know how I could leave the man that gave me the chance to have my son Seth.

He finally told me how hurt he was. He mentioned that other people who dont want kids have them. How he feels like its our fault because we could have seen a different doctor and done different blood tests. He misses not being able to have someone around. He misses not having Seth to work on the truck with him. He misses having family. Steven once had brothers who passed away and he told me how lonely he has been, how friendless he has felt. No one to go fishing with, no one to hug and laugh with, Seth was his chance and Seth is gone.  Hes stressed, he has a lot on his shoulders with the business, his contractor down his throat, trying to take care of me.

In an odd way I felt loved. I felt free from all of this anger Ive been holding in. I just needed my husband to let go of his weight. Its true, when you are married you are one person, one life- not two people together. I feel every emotion that he does, I feel every tear, I feel every bit of anything. The most special moments in my life have come when Steven has cried with me. It has only happened 3 times since Ive known him. Once when I found a lump in my neck (turns out I was pregnant with Seth and it was just my lymph nodes swelling). Once when Seth died, and now once when he finally told me how much Seth has effected him. He is terrified for this to happen again like anyone would be, so am I. But if we dont try, we dont have a baby. We are still not going to try (BIG sigh).

It seems not fair that parents that are non-fit and treat their kids stupidly are having kids or more kids….

Anyways, I have felt a lot better, feeling less tension around the house. Steven went to work on a dock yesterday and came home last night after he got a rusted underwater nail in his foot so we went to the ER and he got a tetanus shot and some antibiotics to take so it wont get infected. Poor thing is limping around. I feel bad for him.

I was kind of hoping to do something today but I know He’s sore so Im gonna crochet, we have a showcase coming up at church so everyone can see who we are and join. The more the better!

Memorial Stone In

While you post pictures of your baby growing up every year, I post pictures of this stone growing old and weathered.

I am very excited that it finally came in, the ground was so barren without anything there. BUT- someone stole the vase!!!! I have been looking forward to leaving flowers and someone had the nerve to steal the copper vase from my baby boy’s grave! How can someone do that?! You obviously see its my baby there!

Today has been hard. I was at work alone, everyone at the hospital this weekend (staff and patients) were in a CRAPPY mood. I heard everyones junk all day. Im getting stuck with some crappy shifts. Im just tired of it all. I have a good job but Im tired of working, Im tired of putting up with crap, Im tired of listening to others peoples worries when MY BABY is GONE. Don’t you get it? Don’t you see I’m still going through something here and you are still throwing junk on me like nothing ever happened. I have enough crap to put up with at home and work, I just dont want to deal with it. I need vacation to come like no tomorrow. Im just tired of it.

I got off work and sat in the car for 5 minutes crying before I pulled out of the parking spot I was in. It sounds annoying just typing about it… Im in a BAD mood, Im depressed, Im angry, Im very emotional…. just depressed. I dont have the energy to do ANYTHING, the house is a mess, the bills are overwhelming, I dont want to exercise anymore, and nothings easy. I have pain all over, stress, anxiety.

On the way from work to the cemetery, I just cried, and hyper-ventilated. I pulled in and ran to Seth’s grave, stumbling  and wailing like it was the first day he was laid there. as I wiped the blurry tears from my eyes his stone came into focus. This was a surprise, I haven’t seen it before, it must have just come in. After 4 months and eight days, it came in. I loudly weeped over that stone and didnt care if one person was around. I sat there in my work scrubs, knees on the dirt, crying. The sun shined around the tree and hit my back so I just layed down. when I sat up and looked there was a maintenance man across the lawn starring, he quickly turned his head. I didnt care, I dont care.

Im just so tired of everything else. Nothing else matters. When you have a child nothing else matters. When you have a child that dies, nothing else matters EVER again. I am sick to my stomach to hear complaining, whining. Its just sad. The pictures of my son will never be a face,a baby, a license picture, a man in a wedding, a family….I will not have that opportunity with my Seth. We do not have the means for a child right now and it brings bitterness but what are you going to do.