Night terrors

Oh man the night terrors of pregnancy! I cant stand it.

I woke up last night sweating, crying, and shaking from a dream that seemed so real. They all seem so real and so scary when your pregnant…Why???

I had this rediculous dream that someone broke in (steven wasnt here [he is out of town right now anyways]) and tried to stab me and I just kept crying ‘dont hurt my baby’ , he hept cuttingmy arms and when he got a crazed look in his eyes he went for my stomach and I woke up screaming. I looked down and noticed that I was gripping my stomach so hard and was sitting up- bent over (that is some deep sleep!).

Dreams never used to bother me till one day…. The night before we found out that Seth died, Steven woke me up and in a panic told me that he just had a dream that the baby died and he dosnt know what he’d do if he lost us. The next day we found out that baby Seth passed away and my blood pressure remained so dangerously high during labor that the nurses and doctors were scared that I was going to have a stroke.

Ever since then, every eerie dream that I have really bothers me. I have had some scary dreams about something happening to the baby that I wont even type out because I just want everything to go right for this baby, even a dream scares me… its sad, I sound like a child but what would you feel like after that happened to you.

I cant stand it, these are not just bad dreams, they are real night terrors. when you wake up sweating, shaking, and screaming, its not just a dream.

Baby talk and crochet stock

I just cant wait. I am always so anxious about how the baby is doing. Its hard in these early months, you just have no clue what is going on besides your stomach growing like an elephant. Looking back at my old pictures of my pregnancy with Seth, I am now the size that I was when I was 22 weeks with him … but right now Im only 15… Its almost embarrassing but- I havnt gained more than 2 pounds, my stomach is just pushing outwards, the gas has finally gone away lol, now I just deal with peeing on myself….. very sad… but I totally feel the baby bouncing right on top of my now flattened bladder and even when I dont have to use the potty- I do.  I am just beyond excited to have a baby here and I am so impatient.

I am finally trying to get all my crochet stuff going. My goal is to raise enough money for my 3D ultrasound for the family to see and then if I make more than that I want to give it to my husband to build a buggy that he really wants. He has done a lot for me and has given up a lot of his man projects since we have gotten married so that he can provide and give me what I want so I really hope to make enough to be worth it for him.  Im just excited that I get to crochet .

Tonight I have the ER- wish me luck, I hope its an easy night with good Doctors because I have a sinus infection and I feel like my head is going to explode, its hard to just breathe.

Procrastination

Admitting that I am great at procrastinating, I will do it some more this morning. I am attempting to put off cleaning. Unfortunately Steven has to work (yeah on a Saturday, yuck), so I slept in and made breakfast and like a grown woman, am sitting here doing nothing. I always have these goals (ie. get cleaning done before Steven comes home so I can spend time with him) but they never happen in time. Besides I think he is going to hang out with a friend after work so…. yeah, fun.

After the maid comes to clean the house today (me…. believe me I would hire one if I could afford it lol) then I will probably sew. I am also highly thinking of opening an archives.com account. On livingsocial.com they have a deal for a 3 month subscription for 10 dollars, that would be cool to find things out about my massive family.

I have this cough and sore throat this morning, hope it goes away, but the cool thing is I just coughed and felt the baby move  and NO LIE, I saw my stomach move for the first time! Im 14 weeks and its great, as a non first time mom I know what baby movement is vs. gas . It was not any STRONG kick but I could feel the baby roll over and I looked down at my tummy and for like 5 long seconds and could see my stomach move and when baby settled down tummy stopped moving woohoo.

I was just laying in bed this morning thinking about how my tummy is getting bigger and moving is becoming uncomfortable (it is true, second baby makes the belly grow way uncontrollably faster). I thought, WHYYY, WHYYY did I want to do this again? …. because its beyond worth it!

Part of me wonders where I would be if I did not chose this path. I told Steven before, and I would still do it today if I was not married- when I graduated I wanted to join the military. I want the challenge, I want the distance. Steven and I had a long conversation when I was about to finish high school and at that point without saying it out loud we knew we wanted to marry each other so I decided to not go away to school and not join the military. I stayed in this old town of ours (and went to school here) and am just as happy that I made a life with him and had a family. There is nothing else that I want. God knew what was best for me.

Is it August yet? I want to see how big this baby has gotten! Man, I dont know about everyone else but when Im pregnant its all I can think about! I dont know how the men in our lives do it, they unfortunately have no way of being connected to a pregnancy until the baby is born.

okay, I guess I have procrastinated long enough… I am such a child lol.

Stay safe rainbow

P.s.- after actually getting to cleaning and listening to the radio, I head a commercial for a family who is fundraising for their daughter that lost her life to cancer in the area.

For those of us who have lost a child, I have finally realized- sometimes the reason why it hurts so bad is because I cant imagine being a baby or small child and not knowing whats wrong, going through death, how scary that must be. For a stillbirth I feel guilty that I could not see any signs. when I first found out that Seth’s heart was not beating at a long 33 weeks, I cried first because I was scared for him. What was he thinking? He was a completely developed baby, he would have made it if I would have delivered him the day before. A child’s innocence makes them stronger. Sometimes they dont know the fear that adults know about death. The loss, the absence, the pain. They dont know. Thats the pain that a parent carries with them forever. Wanting to be the one who takes the pain away. Love to that and every other family who has lost their beautiful princes and princesses.

11 weeks today

It is a very rough day. I have been throwing up every morning since last Sunday. I have definitely gotten more sick with this pregnancy than the last one now that Im getting further along. I am 11 weeks today and as sick as a dog and I do NOT want to go to work today I just feel weak and sick, like Im gonna throw up all night.

anyways, with all of this sickness, I have a baby that I am so thankful for that it brings me to tears. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and he did another ultrasound.

At 10 weeks and 5 days my baby looks like a baby now. I just feel like it is a he, I have no doubts but who knows. Lets call him a he for now lol.

He was kicking and punching and rolling like crazy! The doctor even talked in a baby voice and said “look at that healthy baby!” lol. The heart rate was 158. I was so excited I forgot about throwing up that morning, (and every morning before that) and I just cooed over my baby. Im so thankful.

I go to see the specialist at Maternal Fetal Medicine on Tuesday, Ill be 2 days shy of 12 weeks. Im almost sure they’ll do an ultrasound and do some more testing. I get to see the same doctor who checked me for my pre-conception visit and did all my kidney and liver testing.

Anyways, I have to go prepare myself for work. I hope its an easy night.

Stay safe rainbow.

Sigh of relief

Today was my first ultrasound, from what I remember my LMP was 4-6-12. So I thought I was 7 weeks and 6 days. Well, I was pretty dern close! The baby measured 7 weeks and 5 days. YAY. The doctor started the ultrasound (the early ones are always akward, especially when you have a man doctor), and for a second I took some deep breaths because I was so scared. He said well…. theres the flicker? You see the flicker? This is a good pregnancy, its going to work! … Oh my word, relief is all I can say. A big burden lifted. I felt like an idiot because I needed to relax my legs after he said that cause I was all tensed up and started having back spasms so my legs started to shake like jello and he asked if I was ok lol…. *awkward*.

The heart beat was 167, the baby still looked like an alien of course cause its so early but Im so happy to hear that this is good, everything is fine, the baby is growing perfectly. Thank Jesus.

We were surprised there wasnt two, I just felt like we could have had twins, but Im happy with one healthy baby!

Baby rainbow is due on 1-12-13 and I cant wait till he makes his debut!!!

Time is going by fast thank God.

I get another ultrasound in two and a half weeks. The doctor said he’ll have another extensive ultrasound at the high risk doctor done for me when I hit around 17 weeks and then I can know the gender. He said in the third trimester I will have to wear a monitor so they can monitor the baby’s movement and heart rate which is fine by me! that actually makes me feel so much better. He also said in the third trimester I will have a visit every other week between him and the high risk doctors at Maternal Fetal Medicine so I can be monitored. Woot.

The doctor is so nice, Im glad.

Oh, and Steven made it! That was nice. Except, … they are out of work, the contractors took the contract away that they were working on so…

yeah… a lot ahead of us, one day at a time.

Stay safe rainbow.

Lots of things

Steven and I went kayaking Sunday.  It was beautiful. We spent 4 hours on the water (and thank God, we didnt seen any alligators, cause we were in salt water). Well… Steven’s boat started sinking (his drain plug fell out) so we got out and a shallow spot, it happened to be an oyster bed and my flip flop came off with the current and I stepped on the oysters- its like shards of glass going into your foot. It was the worst pain Ive ever had of stepping on something. I called off work because it is IMPOSSIBLE to walk, it sucks and its awful!

In other news, My momma got engaged today! After 15 long years since my daddy passed away I am thankful that my mom will not be alone anymore. Im happy for her and Adam!

Things have just been stressful lately between school, work, money, and my own sanity. Everything reminds me of Seth lately. The men going to work early in the morning. It reminds me of summer when Steven would leave for a week at a time and he’d kiss my tummy goodbye and be so excited when he came home to see how much I grew that week. The weather. Its getting warm here in Florida. Another reminder of last March when I found out I was pregnant and had serious hot flashes and sleep attacks. Life moving on is just a bad reminder. This month, March 25th, Seth would have been 6 months old. Oh my goodness, six months, wow! Imagine how big he would have been, how interactive he would have been. I miss him so much. Im so sad. I want another baby so bad. I just feel like I have nothing right now. Im thankful for all my goals with school and adulthood, it’s probably the only thing keeping me going that I wake up for. I miss my son. It hurts to see all of my friends babies growing up. My son could have been that big right now. Instead, Im sitting here crocheting, eating tuna out of a can cause im too lazy to cook or clean or stand, while my husband plays xbox all day.

Im scared to go into Seths baby room. We havnt touched it since a week before he died when we had the baby shower and set the whole room up. Im just scared Ill have a panic attack. I want to play with all of the little clothes and I want so bad to just put them on a baby and hold him or her. I just want to so bad.

Tomorrow we are painting memory boxes for the hospital at the crochet group. It hurts that these are going to more people, experiencing the same thing.

1 year ago, and a valentines day to go

Today I visited Seth. I called the memorial place and they said they place the vase when they set the stone, the vase was just upside down in the stone so it wouldnt get stolen so I turned it over and put two roses in it. One from me, and one for Steven.

There are days like today where I’m angry. I feel like a failure as a wife and mom. I feel like I want to get away from everyone and everything, especially pregnant women. I just cant take it anymore.  I cant stand seeing real pregnant people or hearing about people being pregnant, especially people I dont like because they were mean to me in the past. Why do they get the chance and I dont. I just feel so distant and hopeless. Where did everything go, it seems like my whole castle crumbled down and now there is nothing in sight. Everything is in pieces and we arnt ready for a family but why- that makes me angry, I want to. I cant stand it, I just want them to go away. I want to get rid of my facebook because its infested with pregnant women but it has ALL of my pictures of everything including Seths things. My last computer crashed and I dont have anything from that computer and I dont want that to happen again and not have any back up.

Im just thinking so irrationally. Today at the grave site I was laying on the ground (in my scrubs again) and some lady came to put a balloon on the grave next to me and she left and I cried and cried. I thought for a slight second, Ill just dig the grave up and see Seth one more time and put the dirt back…. WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT? I just laid there while all these maintenance men came by, I dont care. It just makes me mad that people get to see their children every day, women become mommy like after having a baby, things change- BUT what about me? what about my life and my family?  Just give me something to believe in that this whole mess will be put back together and I will have a baby soon. I just want to finish school and have my baby. I have not felt a melt down like this for a while.

I think another problem is, We have now officially come full circle to one year of all my thoughts with Seth. Tomorrow on Valentines day, it will be 1 whole year since we conceived Seth . Yes, we made him last valentines day, we did. Valentines day will not be sweet this year, I will not enjoy it. We arnt even doing anything anyways. I just need to spend the night alone, in bed, half-asleep.

Goodnight, vacation could not come any sooner (next week)

Nothing

I never thought at 20, I would be a stillbirth mother, dying to have another baby, and coming to the realization that its may not be as easy as it sounds.

20 really, infertility? Although Steven dosnt want to try, Ive still been keeping a calendar and trying on every possible day that ANYTHING could happen. Not behind his back, he knows, he just dosnt realy like the idea. So Im not gonna lie, I really thought something would happen this month…. nothing….

There are all these crazy people out there running around having babies out the ying yang for money, attention, with different fathers, people who are 16, SERIOUSLY world- this is what we encourage? What about all of those crazed LOVING mothers and fathers who have tried for years to have babies and .. nothing. I know we havnt tried that long but COME ON, I got pregnant before when we never really did anything to try. Its aggravating because last month I had a few days were Steven was compliant with the idea. Now, Ill be lucky if I get to try again for years. Hes so set on getting a house before we do anything (which we cant find anything, hes SOOO picky), then he’ll want me to finish school, then he’ll want to restore his truck… Im just tired of thinking I might be 30 before I have a kid. Theres nothing wrong with that, it was just never my plan. And even at that, what if I cant have any more babies and it’s too late, I waited too long and wasted all these years of trying. Its just terrifying…. nothing.

I have come to realize after a month. This will be a long haul. I am very angry. all of my friends have had their babies and Im sitting at home crocheting. Their showing off their precious angels on facebook and Im posting pictures of scarves and dish scrubbers. It seems like their marraiges have had no abrupt speed bumps in the road. I never wanted this and I still don’t. Its whatever, I have to take what comes but I dont have to like it. I dont think Steven would ever consider adoption. I brought up fostering once and he had a cow. Im not gonna be the old couple who squeezes little kids cheeks cause I dont have my own.

Its just not fair. My mom taught me one giant lesson early on in which I watched her go through plenty of times. Lifes not fair. But seriously, Im young and was able at one point. Everyone else is such a fertile mertyle, they think about having a baby and they have one without even doing anything

You know, we went out to eat the other day. The manager at the resteraunt knows Steven and she hasnt seen us since September and she asked where the baby was. I looked at Steven and looked away as I teared up. He replied… “we lost the baby a few months ago”. She just kept saying “nu uh, are you kidding”. I wanted to slap her. she finally sat down and said “oh, Im sorry”, and then quickly got up and said “Ill be right back”…. she never came back.

Its aggravating.

I have gained A LOT of weight in the last two weeks. I know its stress. We NEED to get a house. Its not season and Steven dosnt get 40 hours a week, hes lucky if he gets any right now so he pulled out of his stocks to show 40 hours from the company and we only have like a month to find something before we have to do that again, and we cant do that again. UGH, its so stressful. He wants cheap, land, roomy house. You cant get all of those for cheap. We will never find anything at the rate he goes. Ill settle for anything liveable and lastable (I know thats not a word).  Anyways, get a house and start a giant diet exercise thing… thats what I need to do.

Guess Ill go back to my crocheting…..

Thank God, A Cheerful Post

I think I finally let go of the anger I’ve been harboring the last couple of months… finally. It does not mean that it’s easy to hear about pregnancies or babies but I have less harsh of thoughts. Christmas evening was very therapeutic.

Thanks to another stillbirth mom blogger, I took her idea of letting off wishing lanterns on the beach. Before we went to the beach, we stopped at the park near home to take some pictures because Steven and I have NEVER taken ANY pictures since our wedding day (almost a year and 9 months ago). It was SO much fun and Im so thankful. My wonderful friend Kayla got a new camera for christmas and snapped these beautiful pictures.

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This was just wonderful. It was emotionally uplifting and just gave me a moment to smile which I havnt felt a true one in a while. Steven was in a bad mood at first but when he got to lighting the wishing lanterns he finally came around. Im just ready. Im ready for the new year. Im ready to move on. Im ready to get a house (we are on the search for our permanent home (YAY)). Im ready to start a family.

Two young women came up to us while we were lighting our lanterns and asked me what my wish was, I replied in a desperate and crazy blurting out “BABIES, I want babies!” lol, Now that I look back at that, its funny that I sounded so crazy, but thats what my mind is thinking. A group of Canadians that were down visiting the beach stopped and asked if they could pay us for one wishing lantern. The womans daughter was pregnant and they wanted to wish a healthy baby.My husband said, “you know what its Christmas… here, take one”…. It was God. In that quiet night with crashing waves, God reminded me that babies are still being made, life is still going on, and other people are still existing with beautiful children. And thats ok. I pray God gives us another, but if He dosnt, I pray he keeps me away from the bitterness that is so easy to harbor. It was nice to share this memorial experience with you all.

All for baby Seth.

remember…9-25-11

Merry Christmas

Exactly three months ago today, someone told us as we were sitting in our hospital room resting from laboring all night, that this (the death of our baby) would either pull us together or break us apart. We looked at each other and thought how could this ever pull us apart.

Three months later… It is Christmas and all of my friends just had babies, are having more babies, or pronouncing their upcoming babies on Facebook while I sit in this very dark corner of my mind, with nothing. I am in no mood to meet Christmas this morning. I dont want to open gifts, see gifts, even see family really. Steven repeatedly makes it clear, no babies…..

I used to be congradulated on my God given strength through this but something has just changed and I have become more bitter everyday. Knowing that you may  not have children for years, or have children at all, is the worst feeling a mother could ever have.

Now we know what they meant, this will break you, or make you. I feel broken…

Im still itching AWFULLY crazy and its been the worst Christmas morning this 20 years has ever had… If it wasnt for family expecting me to be present today, I would go back to bed and wake up for work tomorrow. Id rather be there anyways.

Happy Birthday Jesus…