Giving him away

I read a woman’s stillbirth blog about how she spent time with her son after he was born. It made me wonder… did I not love Seth any more because I didnt not spend that much time with him before they took him away. I didnt ask for more time, I didnt stay that long. Within 5 hours of giving birth I left the hospital and maybe maximum one of those hours I had Seth in my arms.

I loved Seth, more than I have ever loved anyone else. I think God gave me Seth to show me what His love is like because I never understood a parents love, let alone, love THAT amazing and strong. I loved him but right away when he was born I just knew it. It’s like I’ve heard pastor say when Mrs.Glenda passed away by his side. “She was just the house that the spirit was living in and her look completely changed when she took her last breath”. Seth looked different. He did not look like a human because he was not. He was a shell that a spirit was housed in. He was the shell that I was just holding, while his being was not there. He did not have an expression, there was no connection when I looked in his eyes. Of course I got no response of his love for his mother because he was not there. Like a snail, his shell was in my arms, and his little snail body was sitting up in heaven.

I have to come to terms with myself that it was ok to not spend a whole day with Seth before I left because he was not in my arms, as much as I wanted him to be. Seth was beautiful and I will never regret having that baby boy change my life, but I need to remember that His real personality, traits, and beauty was first seen by God. He never had to take a breath into this crazy world.

When Seth took his first breath, he was sitting in Jesus’ arms, already enjoying the benefits of a perfect life. Some people wait a lifetime to get that chance and Seth just took it while it was early.

To my baby, you opened my eyes.

I never felt what God could be, till you opened my eyes to the vastness that this world is more than me and God is bigger than this world. I understood because for the first time in my adult life I stared death in the face and I got it. I felt it. I felt death. I felt its taste and knew what it was. It is the separation of body and soul, and that is it. You can see it in their eyes. in their face, in their limp body. I got it. I experienced its grip first hand through my son. It was like I felt it altogether. because Seth IS a piece of me and I felt him go to heaven. It is a feeling like no other, and although it did not feel good to physically lose my baby, I am greatful that God opened my eyes to the realness. There is no way that there is no God. When you see Him and feel Him through something this big, there is no way it could all be a made up story. God seems more real and seriously in my face more today than any other time.

Im not here to preach and I have always believed in God but in a weird way I want to remind myself of how I felt right at that moment when I said goodbye to him. It wasnt my last, I will see him again.

I think God will gift Rainbow with a compassionate heart and when the time is right he/she will learn of Seth and Im sure, be sad, but greatful that we have a chance to see him again.

Summertime

Ive been doing fine… but today Im angry. Maybe thats apart of being a woman. I do not want to go to Easter Sunday service. How selfish does that sound? My Jesus died a cruel and inhumane death and I dont want to go thank him this Sunday all because the little kids will be running around in their cute Easter outfits. I dont want to go to lunch after church. I dont want to spend money cause gas is $4 a gallon. I dont want to not exercise but Im cramping and miserable. I dont want to get on facebook because of all the babies/baby name/ baby gender talk. I dont want to be home because Im tired of cleaning, of arguing, of being stressed out. I want to get my own studio where I can go and lay down and sleep and be alone when I want to just be by myself. Im tired of being the one to do everything, clean everything, work for everything, and its not enough still.  Is it too ridiculous to be mad that a $100 bowl that cooks things, my husband is putting dogfood in UGHHH, I want to scream.

Im beyond stressed out. Im so sick of these summer months already and its only spring. UGH, this is soooooo much harder than christmas and thanksgiving. Those were one day. These hot warm months are MONTHS of the same thing I experienced last year. All of the smells, memories, heat. All of the people that have had babies and MORE are pregnant now since last year this time. Im so sick of it. Im sick of people asking me EVERY Sunday when were gonna have a baby. EVERY WEEK.

Im promising myself this week that I am going to get rid of my facebook after I save all of my pictures to photobucket or somewhere where they will be safe. I cant stand to look at peoples kids anymore. Im not trying to be mean but nothing is getting easier. Its getting 10 times harder everyday. Every day passing knowing that Im no where close to meeting my next child. I dont have that goal to look forward to like most middle-aged adults. That is the downside to being young. When Im healthy and want kids, my partner is not ready of course.

So if your reading this from facebook and have any of the slightest desire to read this in the future, follow the blog itself before I get rid of facebook.

—–“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.” —–
- George Martin

Everything You’ve Heard

Things have been ok lately. Im just stressed as always. the usual. School, money, dumb arguments .. dumb things.

Im just so nervous all the time.

I have to sing this Sunday again, I am nervous of course but I have to tell myself I will do fine. It will be hard, Sunday is the 25th. 6 months since I last saw Seth. It was on a Sunday like this coming one, that I was becoming the other kind of mom. I hope I dont cry through the song and I hope I do it justice. The words are probably what I need to hear.

I went and saw Seth yesterday. I laid down on the ground and turned my phone up the loudest it could go and played him the song Im going to sing this week. When I was pregnant with him I would put my phone on my belly and play hymns and he loved it, he would kick and roll, it was my favorite memory.

please listen to this.

Its another hard week. My eyes are dark and heavy and I’m tired.

The weekend is almost here.

What if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise

Steven Finally talked to me the other day. It was a huge weight of reliefe. I have not really heard from him since Seth passed away and its been hard. I have felt so distant from him. I just need him. I dont know how I could live without him, even when we are in our biggest fight, I dont know how I could leave the man that gave me the chance to have my son Seth.

He finally told me how hurt he was. He mentioned that other people who dont want kids have them. How he feels like its our fault because we could have seen a different doctor and done different blood tests. He misses not being able to have someone around. He misses not having Seth to work on the truck with him. He misses having family. Steven once had brothers who passed away and he told me how lonely he has been, how friendless he has felt. No one to go fishing with, no one to hug and laugh with, Seth was his chance and Seth is gone.  Hes stressed, he has a lot on his shoulders with the business, his contractor down his throat, trying to take care of me.

In an odd way I felt loved. I felt free from all of this anger Ive been holding in. I just needed my husband to let go of his weight. Its true, when you are married you are one person, one life- not two people together. I feel every emotion that he does, I feel every tear, I feel every bit of anything. The most special moments in my life have come when Steven has cried with me. It has only happened 3 times since Ive known him. Once when I found a lump in my neck (turns out I was pregnant with Seth and it was just my lymph nodes swelling). Once when Seth died, and now once when he finally told me how much Seth has effected him. He is terrified for this to happen again like anyone would be, so am I. But if we dont try, we dont have a baby. We are still not going to try (BIG sigh).

It seems not fair that parents that are non-fit and treat their kids stupidly are having kids or more kids….

Anyways, I have felt a lot better, feeling less tension around the house. Steven went to work on a dock yesterday and came home last night after he got a rusted underwater nail in his foot so we went to the ER and he got a tetanus shot and some antibiotics to take so it wont get infected. Poor thing is limping around. I feel bad for him.

I was kind of hoping to do something today but I know He’s sore so Im gonna crochet, we have a showcase coming up at church so everyone can see who we are and join. The more the better!

Just being honest, just disgusted

Just a quick rant… I am SOOOO SICK of attitude. seriously. My husband and I are grown people and if you dont know our story dont accuse us of anything. UGH I am so sick of it. I hate it when people put my husband down it literally rips my heart open. I cant stand to listen people beat him down, hes already got a low enough self esteem from all that has happened to him the last few months. Im just sick of this business, sick. of. it. I want him to go back to having a regular job, working for someone else, gaurunteed 40 hours a week with benefits. I miss it. I want us to have our regular lives back with A LOT smaller amount of stress. Owning a company= rip your life up. DONT DO IT. I just want us to be a normal family again. Im tired of hearing peoples mouth run just because they are stressed, TIRED OF IT. Don’t go blow up at every person that is in your way because your worried about your problems.

Honestly herr is the sad thing. If I was not a christian I WOULD NOT BE ONE because OF STUPID PEOPLE THAT I HAVE DEALT WITH IN THE LAST FEW DAYS. I am totally turned off. Thats sad. One minute I am inspired by amazing people like my sister who is very involved with my Jesus and the next I feel hopeless because someone who calls themselves a christian and who is active in the church literally spews out hatred, vile, nastiness- I dont want anything to do with it. Its sad but HONEST. Nothing to do with it. Change my heart oh God, I need it, because I dont have ANY faith in any christian that I have run into in the past few days.

JUST DISGUSTED!

Merry Christmas

Exactly three months ago today, someone told us as we were sitting in our hospital room resting from laboring all night, that this (the death of our baby) would either pull us together or break us apart. We looked at each other and thought how could this ever pull us apart.

Three months later… It is Christmas and all of my friends just had babies, are having more babies, or pronouncing their upcoming babies on Facebook while I sit in this very dark corner of my mind, with nothing. I am in no mood to meet Christmas this morning. I dont want to open gifts, see gifts, even see family really. Steven repeatedly makes it clear, no babies…..

I used to be congradulated on my God given strength through this but something has just changed and I have become more bitter everyday. Knowing that you may  not have children for years, or have children at all, is the worst feeling a mother could ever have.

Now we know what they meant, this will break you, or make you. I feel broken…

Im still itching AWFULLY crazy and its been the worst Christmas morning this 20 years has ever had… If it wasnt for family expecting me to be present today, I would go back to bed and wake up for work tomorrow. Id rather be there anyways.

Happy Birthday Jesus…