Monthly Archives: September 2011

The Funeral

Its been a long week. I’ve been in so much pain. It’s such a bad feeling. A bad reminder of all that my body was supposed to be doing. Steven helped wrap me up this morning. I knew today would be hard but im surprised it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.

The viewing started at 10AM this morning. Steven and I went in and looked at our baby boy. His make up was thick because he was dark from it being so long. his outfit was big on him. I touched his hand. It was so cold. We were waiting for him to wake up. His skin on his cheek was coming off. His head was sunken in and his face was wrinkly. I wish he looked like he did in the hospital. More innocent and deceptively alive. We kept his little 24 inch white casket open until a little before 11 AM when people started to arrive. There were so many people.

Pastor preached on David mourning over his baby’s death but worshipping the Lord, and mourning over Absolon’s death because he knew he would not see him again.

When the service ended I followed the casket out and I lost it. This was the longest walk down the aisle I had ever made. I could not see anyone sitting in the pews because my  eyes were stinging with tears. I couldnt hear anything. That’s it? It’s over?  That’s the last time I saw my son. I never thought I would be doing this. Now is when it hit Steven. We cried and held each other as we watched them place our baby in that big hearse. The procession to the cemetery was very long and a lot of people came.

It was a beautiful (but warm) day. We sat at the grave. There in front of us was a giant, muddy, watery, hole. My stomach sank, I felt sick. I was angry as I looked at the maintenance men  prepare to lay him in there. How could they put my baby in that hole? I cried. The casket was too small for the straps to lower it in the grave so the maintenance man laid on his stomach and put the casket at the bottom of the grave with his hands. They put the vault top on and it was time. I don’t remember anything anyone said. I don’t remember who was around me. I just remember looking down and just like a nightmare I watched as they shoveled dirt over the top of the vault one scoop at a time. I couldn’t breathe and each thump of dirt ripped at my heart as I was getting further and further away from my son.  I wanted to scream but God held my tongue as I watched until the last scoop filled in that hole.

He was so little and innocent, he did not deserve this. I wish I could save him, fix him, take his place. I miss him. We stayed till they put the sod down. I wanted to lay on the ground and weep but I held it together. Finally, people hugged me and left.

We went to eat and then to pay off the headstone. $1200….

I pray God draws me closer to him. I want to feel God and His healing hand. I pray these days become easier but that I will never forget his sweet face. Rest in peace my baby boy. Momma will see you again. Jesus will take care of you now. I miss you. I do not want to say goodbye,

I love you son.

In the beginning

I dont even know where to begin. I need to do this though. My baby boy…

I never thought that at twenty years old that I would have given birth to my baby boy and making funeral arrangements the next day. I never thought that it could happen to me. I used to hear these stories and say “aw, thats so sad” and never once considered it becoming my story.

I feel so bad. I feel like a bad mother. I want my baby back. What did I do wrong? Why do smokers, and alcoholics, and druggies, and abusers get to keep their children? It hurts. There are no answers, there are no words to make me feel better. There is nothing. I just want to save him. I just wish I knew earlier. Why didnt I call the doctor earlier to get checked. I think its because a piece of me didnt want this to be true. I didnt want to face it. I kept thinking, it will just never happen to me. Is this a dream? These last few days have seemed like one big day. The pain my body feels every day reminds me of the labor I went through but stings my emotional state, reminding me that I came home from the hospital empty handed.

Saturday, September 17th, 2011, 1pm

My baby shower was beautiful. It was colorful. It was happy. I felt beautiful. I felt my baby. I am so thankful for everyone who came and was able to see me that way, because I will never be the same. I am thankful for the gifts, the food, the fellowship, the happiness.

Tuesday, September 20th 2011, 6pm

I finally came back from baby depot to finish putting away baby stuff. I bought a glider to rock my baby in at night. Steven had been working hard, putting up the crib, dresser, changing table, stroller, and highchair, all in the last few days. He was working outside with his dad while I sat in the living room talking to Krista. As we quieted down my stomach jolted and even Krista saw Seth move from across the room. We laughed for a good few minutes because he was so active.

Friday, September 23rd 2011, 3:45pm

Before I clock out for work I go to the restroom. Seth has not kicked since Tuesday night. I have been debating on what to do because he has gone a period of a couple days without kicking before. I look in the mirror in the bathroom and pull up my shirt to look at my belly. [I miss that belly. I miss the aches. I miss the morning sickness. I would trade anything to get it back].  I did not feel pregnant. My stomach drooped low and I did not see him sticking out anywhere. My baby was exactly 33/40 weeks on this day. I did not sleep that night. I feared that I was being paranoid because there was no way that something like this could happen to me.

Saturday, September 24th 2011, 11am

I slept in late today. I did not want to get up.Krista got home from being on call at the hospital and she brought me orange juice and told me to drink it and lay on my left side and I should feel him kick in about ten minutes. Thirty minutes passed. I cried silently. I got myself together so my husband would not see. I paged the midwife. My page did not go through. ten minutes later I paged again.Those ten minutes seemed like an hour. She called.  I told her that I have not felt the baby move since Tuesday night. She replied ” I do not want to sound harsh, but why did you wait so long?”. I told her, “this is my first baby, I dont know what to expect, Ive gone days without feeling him before”. I just wanted to justify myself. I do not want to feel like a bad mother. There had to have been something I could have done…. The tone in her voice terrified me. She said that she would meet us at the birthing center in fifteen minutes. The drive there was painfully long. We hit every redlight possible. My stomach ached. My head hurt. I cried. Steven asked why I was crying and I said, I feel like a bad mother.

12:15pm

 

We got to the birthing center and walked straight to the ultrasound machine. Samantha appolagized and explained that she normally does not do ultrasounds this late in pregnancy so it would take her a few mintues to find the baby. On the side of the machine was a small moniter for me to see also. About a minute or two into the ultrasound she breathed heavily and I knew… She said there is his spine, I knew. She said there would be his heart, I knew. She said there is no heart beat, I knew. She said he is not moving…. I knew. Hyperventalating, I gasped “Oh God, my baby”. In a panic I cried out repeatedly- my baby, my baby… my baby. Steven could only do the same. I give my husband credit because he was the first to say “God gives, … and He takes away”. We both cried why me, why us, how. We held each other while the midwife was shaking so hard that she could not get the machine turned off in any sort of graceful manner. In a childlike manner I cried “do I have to go to the hospital?” … I dont know what I thought they would do to get the baby out but I never thought that I would have to deliver the baby like normal. The midwife replied ” yes honey, I will take you to cape coral. They will put you at the end of the hall so you do not have to hear anyone in labor or hear any crying babies. I do not know who your doctor will be, it will be someone on call. They are going to give you some harsh medicine to induce you. It will cause fever, neausea, and diarreah. This will take 3-4 days.”  Steven stepped outside to call his mom and dad incase we could not make the drive down the road to the hospital. I sat in the ultrasound room quietly while the midwife called the hospital. I picked myself up to check on Steven and the midwife asked if we would be ok to drive. I replied yes, but when we opened the door I fell apart. My beautiful husband, so broken and emotionally raw, was standing at the edge of the road, trying to tell his parents what happened but no words were coming out of his mouth. The midwife said now is not a good time, we can leave in a few minutes. I called my mom. no answer. I called my grandmas house. Mom was cutting grass. She said hello. I told her. “We cant find the baby’s heart beat, we are going to cape” . She cried- why didnt you tell me. I replied- I just found out, I have to go to the hospital, meet me there.

12:45pm

 

It was raining. We got  in the car and drove, silently to the hospital. It wasnt real yet. Samantha (midwife) took me upstairs to the maternity ward and signed some papers for me to be there.As soon as we walked in a beautiful baby girl was being brought out to be transported to vascular. I cried. The nurse came to the room later and asked me for my social because samantha was shaking so bad that her handwriting was not legible. Steven and I sat in the room and wept. No one bothered us. I was at the end of the hall like promised. The nurses were so nice. They came in and told me that if I need anything they are there. Stevens parents, my husband and I and mom, sister, and aunt prayed that a miracle would happen and God would spark his little heart.Another ultrasound confirmed his death a few  minutes later. Honestly I had faith in God but I did not think this would be fixed. They took my history, took literally ten tubes of blood. I changed. They started me on medicine to get my contractions started (3pm), I was already 1.5 cm dialated. The delivery doctor introduced himself and kindly said that he had no words for us but that we should know that God is good and He will allow us to have healthy children after this. That was comforting.He asked some medical history and my mom realized with the questions that she and my grandma had DTV’s (blood clots in the leg). The doctor thinks the baby had a blood clot in his cord. He said I could prevent it with the next one with asprin. He did tests when the baby was born.The nurse sat down and explained the risks, what would happen after the baby comes, what he would look like. She gave us a list of funeral homes. She told me- this is no normal circumstance, if you want to be completly out then we can give you medicine to do that. I wanted to remember Seth. I wanted to know what it was like to give birth. I wanted to be a mom.

I tried to hold off on the medicine as long as I could. I kept saying that I wanted to know what labor was like. I was not going to do this for nothing. I started off with back labor and I had painful cramps running down my back and right leg. I moved every way I could to get comfortable. I got on the couch on my hands and knees and later walked around the room. sometime that night I finally caved and asked for some medicine, just enough to let me rest. I was crying so hard between the contractions and the thoughts.Many people came and went that night. The medicine let me rest. I did not like my night nurse. She pushed my medicine till it burned. She never came on time with my medicine. She was very rough to me. Steven had to call her everytime my medicine was due because she never came to check on me.

That night a woman gave birth to her twins on the maternity floor and her twins died, minutes later the mother went into cardiac arrest and a code blue was called. Im sure thats where my nurse was for most of the night and I understood.

Sunday September 25th 2011, 7AM

The night merged with Sunday morning. The only reason I knew the night was over was because the night nurse came to give me a hug and tell me that my day nurse was back. All through the night my husband stayed by my side getting me cool rags and drinks, holding my hand and telling me I was beautiful. My mom and aunts rubbed my legs and back. The day nurses name was Amy. She was so sweet and kind and did anything I needed. She was so good at checking up on me that I never had to ask for medicine, she was in my room more than the every four hours that the medicine was due. I almost dont remember being awake at all on Sunday.I did wake once while amy was giving my medicine and she was singing along to a third day song that was playing from the pandora on my phone (which played all through my delivery). She did come into my room and ask if I wanted an epidural. I said yes because I didnt care anymore. She checked me and said I was 5cm. I went to use the restroom before she started the IV. I told her the next time she came in that I needed to use the restroom. she gave me a bedpan and of course, nothing… she knew. She checked me and I was 9 cm. I cried and said I was scared and asked her about the epidural. She said honey, if I give you the epidural, it wont effect you until after you have had the baby, that is how fast this is happening. I hugged steven and cried and whimpered “I wish I would have taken the epidural earlier”.

11:25 AM

I heard, you can push now…. Where was the doctor? Where was everyone? I could not make out any faces. I gave it a little test try. I breathed like I could remember from the birthing classes. It went fine. I started to hyperventalate and I could feel the room swirling with color. I cried out- Im scared, Im so scared. I cant I cant I cant. My midwifes voice was all I could hear among the chaos- “theres nothing to be scared of”. The doctor came rushing in, scrambling to put on his gown and gloves…. I dont know why they waited till I was delivering but I heard, move over… I was not in a delivery bed and they had to get me on to another bed. My moniter and every other wire I had connected to me came off and they just said forget it. I cried out “Oh Jesus , help me… someone help me” over and over. The doctor calmly said- with your next contraction push. not even two seconds later I felt it and I breathed downward…. Swoosh, my body felt this reliefe of pressure, it did not hurt. One breath and my baby was here. “thank you Jesus” I cried. I dont remember them asking but later Krista told me they asked if I wanted to hold him, I did, whether or not I answered them. Iheld my son. Watching him, waiting for him to breathe.I knew any second now he would cough and start crying. He was going to. It was coming. Wasnt he going to cry? Couldnt I see him breathe just a little?….It was not happening. I pulled out his little hands and feet. He was a big boy. 5 pounds. 19.5 inches. His fingers and toes were long. He had my nose, daddy’s forhead, cheeks and ears.I touched his face and his eye opened from me touching him…. his beautiful stare. It was so beautiful. He was so innocent. He deserved to live…. But he had been resting with Jesus for a few days even when I didnt know it. He was sticky and as the minutes went on he grew a little cold. Steven did not want to hold him but my family came in and held him. The nurse asked to take him so she could dress him and bring him back for our final goodbyes.

I took my shower. My sister combed my hair. I only remember eating an arbys roast beef sandwhich because someone reminded me that I did. I had not eaten since friday night. They brought the baby back and we took some pictures and held him. Steven finally held him. This was so hard. I just want to hold him again. When we finally said goodbye we gave him back, packed up our things and went home. we got a keep sake box with the outfit they had him in and a blanket. They also gave us a piece of paper with his hands and feet prints. It also had a hair clipping on it. Other than that, amy wheeled me down empty handed to my car. I had watched so many women the past few weeks come out of that door with a baby and I always thought, just a couple more weeks Seth.

I want to save my son. I want to make him better. Was I not ready to have him?

I kept telling people, I cant believe it. I gave birth to my son just like anyone else. I have a son…People came and went that night from the house and I was so exhausted as soon as I laid down I fell asleep through the night.

Monday, September 26th 2011, 9am

 

the funeral home called. We met them there to make arrangements at 1pm. How could I be sitting in this cold room on this extremly rainy day, making my sons death plans? Its not fair. The gentleman walked us to the “free” plot areas that they have for babies who die. I cried when we got there. It was hidden in the back and looked shameful. It looked like it had not been taken care of and you could not tell who was burried where. I felt like I was at the dumpster site for the facility. We asked to look at the plots available for sale. My husband asked to stop the golf cart at this beautiful giant oak tree and there was one spot available right under the tree. We thought it was peaceful. When we got back to the office we got all the prices. It was overwhelming. It was expensive. It was devestating. It was scary. My little boy was not coming home, he was coming here.  It took us 4 hours to settle what we wanted. I wish it didnt take so long. It felt like buying a car. we had to wheel and deal to get what we needed.

Tuesday, September 27th 2011, 11:30 AM

We picked out a headstone at a seperate location today. The gentleman was nice and did not rip us off. The headstone has ABC blocks and foot prints on it. My midwife called to check on me while I was there.

Thursday is his funeral. Its going to be hard. I dont want food. I dont want visitors. I just want to be alone, with my husband. We just need time. Nothing is ever going to erase these memories and nothing or no one will ever take the place of my son. I love him. I miss him. I cant wait to have another baby. I want one now. We decided to wait on having babies for a while though. It makes me sad. Its not what I want, but its what I need. I dont know why God took Seth, but I dont need to know why.