The Funeral

Its been a long week. I’ve been in so much pain. It’s such a bad feeling. A bad reminder of all that my body was supposed to be doing. Steven helped wrap me up this morning. I knew today would be hard but im surprised it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.

The viewing started at 10AM this morning. Steven and I went in and looked at our baby boy. His make up was thick because he was dark from it being so long. his outfit was big on him. I touched his hand. It was so cold. We were waiting for him to wake up. His skin on his cheek was coming off. His head was sunken in and his face was wrinkly. I wish he looked like he did in the hospital. More innocent and deceptively alive. We kept his little 24 inch white casket open until a little before 11 AM when people started to arrive. There were so many people.

Pastor preached on David mourning over his baby’s death but worshipping the Lord, and mourning over Absolon’s death because he knew he would not see him again.

When the service ended I followed the casket out and I lost it. This was the longest walk down the aisle I had ever made. I could not see anyone sitting in the pews because my  eyes were stinging with tears. I couldnt hear anything. That’s it? It’s over?  That’s the last time I saw my son. I never thought I would be doing this. Now is when it hit Steven. We cried and held each other as we watched them place our baby in that big hearse. The procession to the cemetery was very long and a lot of people came.

It was a beautiful (but warm) day. We sat at the grave. There in front of us was a giant, muddy, watery, hole. My stomach sank, I felt sick. I was angry as I looked at the maintenance men  prepare to lay him in there. How could they put my baby in that hole? I cried. The casket was too small for the straps to lower it in the grave so the maintenance man laid on his stomach and put the casket at the bottom of the grave with his hands. They put the vault top on and it was time. I don’t remember anything anyone said. I don’t remember who was around me. I just remember looking down and just like a nightmare I watched as they shoveled dirt over the top of the vault one scoop at a time. I couldn’t breathe and each thump of dirt ripped at my heart as I was getting further and further away from my son.  I wanted to scream but God held my tongue as I watched until the last scoop filled in that hole.

He was so little and innocent, he did not deserve this. I wish I could save him, fix him, take his place. I miss him. We stayed till they put the sod down. I wanted to lay on the ground and weep but I held it together. Finally, people hugged me and left.

We went to eat and then to pay off the headstone. $1200….

I pray God draws me closer to him. I want to feel God and His healing hand. I pray these days become easier but that I will never forget his sweet face. Rest in peace my baby boy. Momma will see you again. Jesus will take care of you now. I miss you. I do not want to say goodbye,

I love you son.

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3 responses to “The Funeral

  1. Your Strength is truly amazing and in a way put our struggles in perspective. Wishing you peace and strength in the New Year.

  2. Thank you, same to you.

  3. It’s not often you find someone speaking openly about their loss. I know what pain this is. I sat with my still born daughter who looked perfect and sobbed in a way I didn’t know I was capable. Everything else from that point didn’t seem real. I don’t think I processed it, I just went through it. I have her footprints, her robe, an image of her in my mind and yet it just didn’t seem real. It had to be someone else’s dream……..
    That was three years ago. Know that there are brighter days ahead…none without the memory of your lost angel but there are brighter days ahead wherein you find peace with the life you are currently living.
    My daughter Marie is with me…. I know this…….and I know one day we will meet again. Until then, remember, there is much life left for you to live.
    From one heartbroken Mom to another,
    Hugs.
    Nicole.

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