Life goes on

Today was my first day back at work since I gave birth to Seth two weeks ago. It was so nice to be back to work. It was a good feeling….

My feelings go up and down but I am overwhlemed at the Lords beauty of people. Sometimes it seems like this world is too lost and hopeless but I have been shown more love in the last two weeks than I have ever known apart from the love of Jesus. The people at work treated me so well.

I have been so fascinated with heaven lately. All I can think about is getting there to see me son. How long will it be, when will it be my turn. I know Hes waiting for me. I think amidst all of this storm I just knew, and this was probably all that kept me sane, I knew that my baby boy is just in Gods day care waiting for me to come get him when its time. I just feel like he is going to grow and learn and be nurtured just like a normal child. I know he is waiting to see me. Im waiting to see him.

I read heaven is for real by todd burpo. That was an amazing book and I encourage everyone to read it especially those who have lost a child *chapter 17= meant for me… I can just imagine heaven every time I hear music, or talk to Jesus, or anything- everything brings Jesus and heaven and my son to mind. I am so consumed by it all. I am consumed by Jesus.

I thought the other day, I mourned the loss of my son, but the loss of my son was nothing like the loss of God’s son. His son was beaten, hair ripped from his face, flesh ripped from his body, stabbed, nailed to a cross. How do you not become bitter after losing your son in that manner. Of course its God, how could He be bitter at Himself… He was showing me how to mourn. He showed me how to look forward to seeing my son again. I am thankful that God took my son more peacefully than His, that sounds selfish in a way but im sure He understands, thats why Im the sinner and He’s my savior. Seth took his first breath in heaven, first steps in heaven, first words in heaven- that is a much better life than what this world could offer.

Im sure heaven is beautiful and bright and busy. I can see my baby playing with his grandpa and great grandpa’s and Jesus- our Savior!

I am still healing myself. Its not easy, I still cry a lot. I still ask why alot. But I feel closer to heaven now more than I ever have. I feel on the verge of stepping into eternity because this life we live is just a mere second in time. I wish one day that I will be a great mentor. I hope that I can minister to young women and also women who have gone through what I have gone through. Nothing will take the place of Seth but he has made my love for the Lord grow massively and made my desire to help people deepen. I feel such compassion for people now. I want to save them all.  I want to fix them all. There is only one great healer, His name is Jesus.

There is a place for babies who never get the chance to have their firsts here on earth, that place is heaven. My baby only got to go there because someone gave His son up to die for mine.Thats beautiful.

I will never forget holding Seth. I will never forget what he looks like. I think God engrains these experiences with children in a womans mind so that we will remember who they are in heaven.

I hope the women out there who feel guilty, scared, angry, etc. for losing a baby, should just remember that their sins can be cleansed and they can meet with their child again one day. Heaven is different, we do not have the same earthly feelings up there. Our children will not ask us why we abandoned them, they will not be angry with us. It will be joyous.

I hope God uses me one day. I do not want to forget Seth or let his story be forgotten in vain. I want him to live on by helping me help others heal.

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