Monthly Archives: November 2011

Happy Birthday Mom

Happy Birthday Mom! Today was my mom’s wonderful birthday! Thank you for all you do. You are beautiful and deserving. You have always worked so hard to provide and do well for Courtney and I.

So today I went to employee health to get this itching checked out. All the ARNP did was give me a a steroid. I told her Its not a rash, I have no rash, just severe itching. She didnt care she said theres nothing she can really do for me… WHAT DO YOU MEAN? thats why your supposed to be here, UGH. sooo… I was really upset. I got this lotion

I hope it helps because I dont want to take the steroids because I doubt that they will help.

I feel like its anxiety I wish I could fix it.

So… then I go to the maternity ward to see if my pictures came in since I was already in the area. Of course they wernt in. I went to my moms house and an hour later they call and say that the pictures (of the baby) came in (OF COURSE)… ugh I was so mad. So I went to pick them up. They took one picture and gave me some multiples.

Steven put together my rocking chair.

Its beautiful. I will definitley use it.

well… Im tired and feeling anxious… idk. Tomorrow the furniture comes in so I should go to bed so I can wake up and clean tomorrow.

night.

Oh My Word

soo….. we totally splurged. I want to vomit lol. We moved out to the apartment part of the house today where we have our own bedroom, living room and kitchen. We needed a couch so we went to go look for a cheap one and winded up buying a WHOLE stinking living room! Ill take a picture when it comes in. Sooo… We need to pay that junk off and get on our game. Honestly, its sad but I think shopping is a little bit of ease to our emotional mess that we’ve been through which is not healthy but we understand NO MORE toys for us for a LOOOONNNNG time.

I have been itching like crazy today and haven’t itched all week till today. It is so uncontrollable my neck feels like its crawling cause it itches so bad and its an itch that I cant reach, its under my skin. I HAVE to go to employee health next week and get it checked out cause I cannot stand it anymore. I just want to go crazy. If I had insurance I would honestly go to the emergency room tonight thats how bad it is. I guess its my nerves, I just need something to fix it. Im to the point that I will do ANYTHING to fix this itching.

I crocheted a lot today. I had to work but thank God it was slow so I was able to relax a little. Im gonna do a little more tonight.

Well I am going to bed, have to wake up at 4AM for work tomorrow.

*sigh… wish us luck on not buying ANYTHING else

Black Friday

Black Friday: the day after Thanksgiving where people dont sleep and stay up all night to go shopping for deals (usually fights and crazy things occur over lots of items) and then sleep all afternoon. (I am not partaking in such nonsense lol).

About to head off for work, its 5 AM and Im so sick ugh, it sucks, I want to lay in bed and sleep all day and I still have two more days of work.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is almost every American’s favorite holiday- Thanksgiving (YAY). Food, family, and more food! I have to work today (which really sucks). And- my face is swollen cause something bit me right under my eye last night when I was sleeping. Every time I look down I see a big lump and it hurts and itches (lovely). BUT-  I am thankful for my sweet Jesus who has had the mercy to save ME. Little old (not really old lol) me who has done nothing for Him, who often forgets to treat Him like the friend He is, who does not always trust him with my whole heart like I should. Thank you Jesus. I am so very thankful that I have a supportive family. Today I thought I would be at home holding my baby boy and passing him around to show him off to relatives but today is lonely day. I will be at work with one other person with no son at home waiting for me. Im sad yes, but I still have a wonderful family who has been there for me always, and especially in the last two months. I am thankful for my friends. It seems like they are few but I am thankful. What would I do if I didnt have other people around to just get away and have fun with? Im thankful for the food I have. There are so many who go without. Im thankful for the roof over my head and the clothes I wear. I literally weep in the car every time I see a homeless person on my way to work. I cant imagine trying to fight off people and animals, the dark cold nights, and the sunny hot days. I don’t have to do any of that. I am thankful.  I am thankful for the things that I have to enjoy myself. Crocheting, art, singing, my car, my job. Things God provided to keep me busy. Thank you Lord.

The last few days I’ve been sick, I sill am today. I just feel yucky and snotty and all gucked up (thats not a real word, its just how I feel lol). I havnt written because of this. A couple of days ago I went into Seths room.

Its a mess but I dont want to do anything with it. It was nice and clean but when I came home from the hospital everyone shoved stuff in it to keep me from seeing it (I understand). It still smells like baby from the wipes and dreft. Sometimes I go in there just to look through things. I miss the excitement of going through the baby stuff and now I cant do that.

This is what we got from the hospital it was nice. I just need to see it  sometimes.

Miss you Seth.

I bought more crocheting stuff.

Im gonna try and learn patterns, in between all of the other junk Im trying to get done lol.

Happy thanksgiving.

Dizzy

Im getting really sick really fast and Im super dizzy. Kind of feel like Im drunk, without the drunk. Going to bed early tonight cause everything spinning. Ill write tomorrow.

First Crochet Project

I have to blog NOW! :D….

I FINISHED MY FIRST CROCHET PROJECT EVER!!! YAY! This is so exciting to say that I made something – WOOT! Here is the final scarf, like I said- I’m going to give it to Steven’s little cousin who’s 5, I hope she likes it lol.

You do not even know how excited I am lol.

*sigh*… pretty pathetic but I love it <3.

So today went by pretty fast. Work was pretty steady so that was nice (and the doctors were in a good mood in the ER tonight so that made things even better). I did an EKG on a young lady tonight and she said she had stomach pain. Her and her significant other sat there awkward and quietly as I continued and all of a sudden the young man burst out in a slightly fearful tone “shes 11 weeks pregnant, will this harm the baby”. I replied “no, but it’s always good to ask, don’t be afraid to even question the doctor”…. The room got quiet and when I was done and cleaning up I just wanted to comfort her, I know she was scared. I said “11 weeks huh? That’s exciting… It will be great”. She replied shyly “Yea, thanks”… I’m sure she was ok.

Later in the office I was editing some read EKG’s and my stomach twitched, it was the EXACT same feeling as the baby kicking. I smiled for a second and thought, “he’s kicking!”… and then sighed… I forgot for a small moment that I’m not pregnant anymore. Two months later and I still sometimes forget…

I am starting to get a sore throat, I hope it goes away really fast cause I have to sing in a couple of weeks. Who likes to be sick… maybe its the change in air, its starting to get a little dry.

Tomorrow I’m going to have lunch with my friend (Erin) from high school. I miss her so much :). She better move back here whenever she finishes college cause its not fun being so far away! Im pretty excited about that.  I’m also excited that Steven is coming home early this week from work because they just have a little bit left. :).

I better do some homework, I have a lot this week and I feel a head cold coming on ugh.

When I am far away from home
and the cold wind starts to blow
when I’m empty and alone 
I turn to you

When there’s hardness in my heart
and i cannot see truth
and i’m wandering in the dark 
I turn to you

and here in your holy presence its all that i can do

I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you Lord

For the youth when I am old
For the strength when I am weak
For the warmth when I am cold
I turn to you.

For the faith to move ahead. 
and to let go of the past.

To see me as you do. 
I turn to you. and here in your holy presence
Its all that I can do.I turn to you Jesus
I turn you LordFor you alone are worthy the one and only God the ruler of the nations and the father of our hearts

I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you Lord
I turn to you you you you Jesus
I turn to you Lord

When I’m weak I will follow. 
In your arms I will stay. 
Will you lead me’ 
only you can save. 

I turn to you Jesus 
I turn to you.

Hero

This is my sisters blog  – Hero.

I have the best baby sister in the whole world. Sometimes I feel like I need to be much more of a role model. I dont feel like I deserve to be any type of hero but Im lucky to call this girl my best friend. I love you Courtney Louise!

Fear not… You are God alone

For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind…..

Today was Sunday of course. We went to church. After the choir sang worship the kids group came up and sang a thanksgiving song and right before they sang the little kids walked up and said what they were thankful for. One little boy walked up and slurred out “I’m thankful for my family”. Steven burst into tears. I could not help it, I just bawled. I am thankful that my husband does express his emotions, especially because he does not do it a lot. He left halfway through the kid’s song and I met him in the foyer after we did the choir special. We eventually made our way back into the service.

What drives you… What inspires you… What makes you wonder, think, what is on your mind most of the time.

I have found that fear is. It’s so unfortunate. I am drowning in fear and anxiety. I fear that these stabbing pains and itching is something worse than what I think, I fear that I will pass away without someone by my side, I fear Steven will get hurt while he’s out working during the week, I fear getting pregnant, I fear having another baby, I fear not having enough money, (this one is irrational ->) I fear not having enough food and water. I REALLY fear SINGING in front of other people. Its like public speaking for me but worse, I don’t have any idea why.

Tonight in choir practice I laid my fear aside and sang the solo that I was given but I was still shaking and I was not in front of hundreds of people or holding a microphone or standing. I just sat in the corner all slumped over and closed my eyes and worshiped. It was the best and most true worship I’ve had in a long time and it felt good. BUT, I’m still terrified to sing in front of all those people with a mic and standing in a couple weeks.

What is there to be so afraid of? I don’t understand why I let this literally suck me up and suffocate me. I just feel anxious. I just don’t feel good. I don’t want to be one of those crazy people who has to sit and tell a doctor everything I feel so they can suppress my emotions and turn me into a zombie. I don’t want to be another statistic. I want to be like everyone else who can control their own anxious feelings.

I love school and work and church and choir and crocheting and reading and drawing and painting… *phew* I wish I had enough time to really enjoy them all thoroughly though :(.

This week comes one of the most loved American Holidays! THANKSGIVING. I’m so sad that I have to work 2-10pm. I don’t think I’ve EVER worked on thanksgiving :(. Oh well… I took it so I could have Christmas off. I LOVE thanksgiving food! I’ll miss all of my family in LaBelle. Christmas though, We will be there.

Speaking of Christmas, here’s the tree I helped Krista put up, she did the lights though.

Its kind of funny in reality that we put trees inside of our houses for Christmas…

Here is the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree she found at home depot I think it was, anywho- Its CUTE!

Ugh I love it, brings back all of those childhood Christmas show memories.

And then there is the scarf I crocheted. My FIRST REAL project finished lol. Ok, its REALLY small so I’m giving it to a 5 year old because maybe she’ll appreciate the shortness of it lol.

Im working on putting a flower on the bottom of it now :). Heres the video that I’m watching.

I checked out my new classes work a few minutes ago- WHOA its a ton of work and its going to be a loaded class but I’m hoping I breeze through it. Ill start on the work tomorrow I want to relax tonight.

So Its been a long crazy day. I am just going to relax, crochet, and enjoy my beautiful husbands presence before he leaves for work tomorrow :(. I have to work ALL week (besides Tuesday) and ALL weekend so its going to be a long week. I miss that man already and he’s not even gone yet. I am feeling a little bit better tonight than I was earlier today. I hope it stays around. Im just going to try and keep a worshipful mind and stay calm.

* And dear Lord, I know your not a soda machine, so I’m asking this as humbly as I can. Can you make me feel better and help us get everything worked out financially fast so we can have a baby. I miss my boy Seth and Steven wants to “be stable” and “ready” before the next one… if you even allow us to have another.

Amen*

You are not a God
Created by human hands
You are not a God
Dependant on any mortal man
You are not a God
In need of anything we can give
By Your plan, that’s just the way it is

[chorus]
You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

You’re the only God
Whose power none can contend
You’re the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You’re the only God
Who’s worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And that’s just the way it is

[chorus]

[bridge]
Unchangeable
Unshakable
Unstoppable
That’s what You are

Itching

Tonight Im making this short and sweet because I am going to lay down and sleep so I can forget all of this mess that I am feeling. I want to cry. I have extreme itching all over my body (with no rash) and aches all over. I have no physical rash but I just itch all over and NOTHING helps it. I just want to rip my skin off. Its making me paranoid and I cant stand it. I want to know why I have been itching for all of these weeks and same with these pains Im getting all over. I get insurance in February, ugh it seems soooo far away, I just want to go to the doctor now. I hate insurance and doctors and giant medical bills, I just want to know.

Please dear Lord, take away this itching and these pains I have. My skin is starting to become raw and Im just plain tired. I just want to cry, please take it away.

…. I crocheted a little kids scarf, finally did it. I helpe krista put up the christmas tree today too. Ill post pictures later I am itching so bad that I cant even type.

You love me anyway

Today I have been more than anxious. I suppose it is my anxiety getting the best of me. I have had bad chest pain for days. Thankfully I do EKG’s for a living, so I did one a couple weeks ago when I was having chest pain and of course it looked fine. It’s just scary. My body has had stabbing pains here and there since I got home from the hospital. Headaches, hard to breathe (feels like my throat is closing and I can’t get a breath), fatigue, numbness, clammy. I can’t stand it, It makes me feel so helpless and especially when I’m at work I just want to go home and cry so I will fall asleep and forget that I’m feeling anxious. I am scared of doctors, even though I talk to them all day. I do not want to take medicine that will turn me into a zombie or gain weight. It sounds selfish and childish huh? Who would not want to feel better? I really do want to feel better but I feel like there has to be some other way. Can’t I control it myself? I have been fighting this for years. Actually, it’s been a long scary battle since about the age of 10. It’s terrifying, to live in fear. I fear death, illness, accidents, loneliness, infertility, instability… It doesn’t go away.  I try to breathe, I try music, and I try praying, reading…. I’m not going to lie, knowing my Jesus is near helps but why doesn’t he take it away? Will I have to live like this forever? I really fear now that I will “throw a clot” in ER nursing terms (lol). This MTHFR, which I shouldn’t worry about like I do, really does have effects on my life, such as never using birth control (what if I have a kid when I’m forty??? I don’t really want that), being at risk for other medical issues- it’s just scary.

I bought this music from “Bed Bath and Beyond”

It’s beautiful. I listened to the Yellow one when I was pregnant and when I was in labor. It’s hard to listen to that one again because I vividly remember my labor and the hospital and Seth when I hear that CD. I bought the other two tonight because I liked the first one so much. I think they are the coolest CD’s I’ve ever bought. I guess I’m turning into a real mom- listening to old boring fogies piano music that has no words lol :).  They are just so beautiful and calming. I am such an art hippie at heart. I could sit and bask in art and music any day. I will listen to almost anything and look at almost any artwork and be amazed and caught up. I can critique and find deeper meanings for hours. I can be inspired and let my mind wander for hours. It’s beautiful. I miss making time for art. I miss painting and drawing. I pray I will never forget to pick it back up when I am all finished with school (school and work and husband eat my time away).

Today was my mother-in-laws birthday. Happy birthday Krista! Thank you for giving me my wonderful husband! Steven and I picked out this cookie jar for her yesterday :D, it’s so cute.

She told me tonight that she bought P90X so lol.. maybe I can join in and lose this baby fat. That will be fun (but hard core).

I also bought my mom her birthday present tonight, of course I can’t tell yet what it is but yeah, it’s almost here momma, November 28th!

I finally finished my first class at Keiser! I am so excited. I think I got an A but I have to wait till grades are posted, I hope I got an A! I start my next class on Monday so I WILL enjoy this weekend off work with no school :). I am going to practice crocheting, maybe see an old friend this weekend, clean, and maybe put up the Christmas tree. (I am still working on my book from Angie Smith. I know it’s taking me forever but I’m almost done, I’ve just been so busy with school, work, choir, crocheting (or trying to learn how). It’s also a book that you cannot read all at once, I cry every time I read more of it.

I really am getting anxious about Seth’s headstone coming in. I want to see it. I also am waiting for a call from the hospital to see the pictures they took of Seth; they are waiting for them to come in. I’m not sure I’m ready to see them but I miss him and I want to see him one more time. I’m sick of looking at the same few pictures I have, I feel like I need to see him some other way, it makes it seem like he’s still around if I can see him in some more pictures other than what I have seen over and over these last couple of months.

There is no way we are ready to have another baby but I can’t stand seeing all of that baby stuff we have sitting there not being used. I don’t want to give it away. I want to use it. I want to use every bit of it up till it’s worn out completely. I don’t want to put anything away. I want it up.

My dear next child, you are not a replacement and I don’t want you ever to think that. When God decides it is the right time for you to come along, we will love you with all of our hearts. You will change my life forever. Don’t ever give up. Don’t ever be weak. You were made for God’s glory. You were made to survive and be here for your mommy and daddy. You were not made to help me forget about Seth. You will not fill the void Seth left. There is a reason he left a mark. Only people who impact others in a significant way will leave a mark that makes you think of them EVERY DAY- Seth was one of those people. There’s a reason I think of him every day, because he changed me. He gave me the desire to have more kids. I always said no more when I was pregnant with him but look; here you are, waiting for God to send you to me. Keep me busy my next child, keep me focused and waiting for you. Will you take away some of my anxiety? When you decide to come, don’t let me fear through my pregnancy. Just come, healthy and beautiful. Boy or girl, defect or not (although I will definitely not complain for a healthy peewee), I will love you just the way you are because God made you fearfully and wonderfully just for me. You will be my love. You already are.

Love,

Momma.

I have not forgotten about you Seth nor will I ever. You were my first. You are the reason I’m here today. You are my story. You are my life. I breathe so I can think of you. You are my son. I am your mom. I promise to never forget you. I could never go one day, not even one second without you crossing my mind. You were the baby we were all anxiously waiting for, the one we anxiously held in our arms, and anxiously said goodbye to. Sometimes I feel like phone-ing you in heaven and just chatting. I just want to know how you’re doing even though I know you’re being taken care of perfectly; it’s the mom in me. Are you eating right, are you sleeping enough, are you cold? Stupid questions but that’s what earthly moms ask their earthly children :). You wouldn’t know because you were too beautiful for earth. Tell your poppa, my poppa and baby Eli Rolle we miss them.

All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking 
ground
Yes then, I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes,You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me