love, music and… ER?

So today was the start of a very long work week. I have to work the next eight days in a row (yay for work, poo for tiredness and not seeing my husband). Im pretty much sad that I wont really get to see Steven this weekend at all when hes home because Ill be working.

OK, tonight- I am forcing myself to blog because I want to BUT I feel terrible. I dont feel sick or sad. I just feel…fuzzy. Very FuZzY. I feel mentally messed up. All my thoughts in my head are more jumbled than normal and It gives me anxiety so when I got off work at 7pm I came straight to my bedroom. I just feel like I cant get words out right and I feel REALLY slow. I hate this feeling. ugh. I wish my husband was here…. OK, I change my mind- now Im sad lol.

Todays topics are health and music.

Health:

It is amazing and almost terrifying working in healthcare. I see so many things that it scares me to even think about going to the hospital (and I work at one!). A few scenarios if you would,

1) a couple weeks ago a man comes into the ER, the EMT’s are doing CPR as they come in. He was put in one of the major rooms and there were like fifty people there trying to figure out what to do. The doctor got the little history of the patient that the EMT’s could provide and he urged the nurse (male) to switch places with the EMT and continue CPR. After a few minutes the doctor was agitated that they were not getting any results from the CPR. He brought in an ultrasound machine and looked at the man’s heart, It was not beating, he said this out loud. I stood in the corner of the room and tears ran down my face because those were the words that I heard when we found out Seth was no longer with us. I had to be strong and breathe deep and keep my ground, this is work, this is someones life. The cardiologist yelled out I feel a pulse, am I the only one who feels this pulse? The ER doctor (lets just call him John Doe for ease of writing) shook his head and said I don’t know what your talking about, I feel nothing AND his heart is not beating.Doc John Doe asked the EMT how long it had been that we had been doing CPR and they replied- 15 minutes. John said… I think we should stop, this guy won’t come back after this long. The cardiologist said “NO! keep going!”. (Keep in mind, the cardiologists do not stay in the ER it was pure lucky chance and the grace of God that he was there). They continued for another ten minutes in which John Doe did not agree with and simply left the room because of it. I too had left the room because even if this guy came back to life, he would not need an EKG, the first thing they would do is whisk him off to the cath lab. After 25 minutes of CPR, this mans heart started beating! The ultrasound machine showed a beating heart he had a full good carotid pulse! Like I thought they whisked him off BUT, if that cardiologist was not in there by chance, that man would have never made it that night thanks to John Doe……

2) Tonight, there were hall beds out the ying yang! I know it’s season and snowbirds are coming back but GEEZ, there is no chance of getting a break when you see patients stacked against the wall all the way down the halls and people are yelling for water and blankets and food and whining about the tests that are being ran.

3) The doctors in the ER are normal people, but they are extra whiny normal people. They throw papers, they curse, they complain, they fight with other doctors, they get tired, they are almost always rude to us techs…. Whatever, dont take it out on me. Take care of your patients.

4) I asked a new echo tech where he went to school today. He said UCF. In return he asked what I was going to school for and I replied Diagnostic medical sonography which maybe I could test into echocardiography to do echos if I Please since there is a demand for that right now. He said “ugh, regular ultrasounds. Those are so gross, you see giant boobs and black toes and blistered legs… Im not into all that nasty stuff”. SERIOUSLY, if it wasnt for people who did these kinds of things, imagine how many people would be hopeless. This is so important! I know if I was the one with black toes, I would want someone to treat me equally as kind and make me feel like everything will be alright and I will make it. People need hope and only special people in this world can give it. I hope I can be one of those people. I want people to be comforted by the fact that I don’t care about the shape their body is in, Im here to do a test so you can get better, end of story- find comfort, Im not looking at you differently because you are ill- thats why your here and Im here. I didnt talk to the new guy any more after that, I thought it was inconsiderate.

5) My personal experience- I was told that I had MTHFR.WHY would I not want to make myself feel better?I do not know enough about the biological processes. I swear, if I had the determination I would be the best darn doctor EVER because I would have so much passion. I want to fix everyone and I truly care about EVERY patient that I see,

6) When I had my baby at the hospital (which I did not want to do because I wanted to have him at the birthing center) I was terrified. I literally had NOTHING but my phone with me when I walked in there. When I needed to take a shower, there were no wash cloths, soap or shampoo- SERIOUSLY, Im a woman having a baby here and you cant give me some freakin stuff to take a shower with??? I literally had to have someone bring me stuff from home so I could shower. The VHS player (yes I said VHS player) was not working so I could not watch the video on the epidural (that was probably a sign from God that I was not going to get the epidural lol). The floor was old and dingy. They were remodeling in the room next to me and all I could hear was an electric sander or drill or something for a long time when I first came in and thankfully the midwife went and told them to stop.

Enough of my ranting. Im sure you all are now terrified of hospitals lol.. that was not my point. They are a good place but they are also filled with people and people are flawed and they make mistakes and get tired and lose passion just like every other normal person on this earth.

On to my favorite topic MUSIC 😀 -So I want to share a couple of songs that I heard today.

This Song I heard today for the first time.

I am the sea on a moonless night,
Calling, falling, slipping tides
I am the leaky, dripping pipes
The endless aching drops of light
I am the raindrop falling down,
Always longing for the deeper ground
I am the broken, breaking seas
Even my blood finds ways to bleed

Even the rivers ways to run
Even the rain to reach the sun
Even my thirsty streams,
Even in my dreams

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

I am the thorn stuck in your side
I am the one that you left behind,
I am the dried up doubting eyes
Looking for the well that wouldn’t run dry

Running hard for the other side
The world that Ive always been denied
Running hard for the infinite
With the tears of the saints and hypocrites

Oh blood of black and white and gray
Death and life and night and day
One by one by one
We let our rivers run

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

Cause I can’t feel you breathing,
I can’t feel you reaching
Pushing through the ceiling
Making for the feeling
More than just a feeling

Pushing through the ceiling
Until the final healing
Looking for you

Until the sea of glass we meet
At last completed and complete
The tide of tear and pain subside
Laughter drinks them dry

I’ll be waiting
Anticipating
All that I aim for
What I was made for
With every heartbeat
All of my blood bleeds
Running inside me
Looking for you
Looking for you

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

This is just so beautiful. I have ALWAYS loved Switchfoot. They articulate so well. They get the point across so beautifully, this is pure poetry. MMmm, so delicious I just want to eat it up! This is all my thoughts sometimes. I just want to find rest in Him.  This world is so broken and we desire whether we realize it or not to touch Him, to feel Him.

Then there is this song

“Not Alone”

Slowly fading away
You’re lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold
Looking for a distant light
Someone who could save a life
You’re living in fear that no one will hear your cries
Can you save me now

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won’t leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause your not, your not alone

Your heart is full of broken dreams
Just a fading memory
And everything’s gone but the pain carries on
Lost in the rain again
When will it ever end
The arms of relief seem so out of reach
But I, I am here

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won’t leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause your not, your not alone

And I’ll be your hope when you feel like its over
And I will pick you up when your whole world shatters
And when you’re finally in my arms
Look up and see love has a face

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won’t leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause you’re not, you’re not alone

And I will be your hope
And I will pick you up
And I will be your hope
And I will be your hope

Slow fading away
Your lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold

I heard this song multiple times before I lost Seth and today I heard it for the first time since I was pregnant…. I cant say what Im feeling any better than how these songs say it. They leave me speechless.

If you have not heard of THE WALLY SHOW (http://www.allwally.com/)

you HAVE to check him out.He puts the smile in my day. Him and Zach could make me smile for all eternity lol.

… Today God has taught me to love others. I talked to two women today who have gone through some painful times. Things that I have experienced, I hope he led me to say the right things.  That was my lesson though. Love. Love unconditionally. Love without judgement. Love till you cant love anymore. People need it and dont get enough of it today.

I myself and not perfect and I have felt down about myself. i dont feel pretty enough. I dont feel like a good enough wife. I just wish there was some way I could feel TRULY safe and comfortable. That no one else more beautiful or enticing will walk into my husbands life. He is so conservative and he would NEVER do that lol, hes SOOOO good to me, its just an irrational fear. REALLY irrational lol. I guess I just want to feel more beautiful and I want to give him butterflies like when we were dating. I want to make him happy. Isnt that every couples desire, to make their spouse fall in love with them every day?

I am MADLY in love with my husband. He was the guy who ASKED if he could kiss me and ASKED if he could hold my hand- thats right, I found him, the greatest man in the world lol.

oh my word, I have to stop writing such long blogs. Its not sane to talk to yourself this long :).

Goodnight.

P.S.- I love my mom and sister, they give me a smile and hope.

[random]

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3 responses to “love, music and… ER?

  1. peggy strait

    Love you too Hollie and I am so Proud of you and Courtney .I enjoy your blogging and your desire to Love Jesus more,to Love unconditionally,to help others more I believe God is using you for something good and Better each day To Glorify Him , for your sake and the sake of others ,Keep up the good work .

  2. Hollie,
    I love your writing style. You are obviously a very passionate person and it shows in your writing.

  3. Holly-

    Excellent article. I found your blog while searching for new MTHFR articles.

    You are not alone. Those with MTHFR mutations seem to simply be diagnosed and then left out to dry. This is amazing to me and flat out unacceptable.

    I am passionate about the topic of MTHFR and if you have any questions about it – please do ask.

    I have a website that is constantly growing dedicated to it. It is http://www.MTHFR.Net.

    Love to have you stop by and ask some questions.

    MTHFR mutations can be serious but the great news is you can bypass them!

    Best,
    Dr Ben

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