This is not my home

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Today I worked 6am-2pm. I was sooo tired, I still am. I started off my routine EKG’s today by first of all  having to go to the OB floor because the cardiac overflow is on one side of that floor and the birthing suites are on the other.  On my way to that floor a big bellied woman stopped me and asked where the birthing suites are. I looked over at her big belly, packed bags, and swollen face, and jittery husband. I said oh…. and couldn’t get anything more out. Finally after what seemed like eternity I spit out, just follow me, I’m going there. She seemed really scared. I asked if she was being induced on this early morning and she replied yes, this is my second but I’m still so nervous. I wanted to excitedly interject with “I had my son a month and a half ago and it was a breeze, he was beautiful but he passed away.” Oh, I’m sure that would make her feel better! So I just quietly took them to the elevator and on the awkward ride up she said “So… Are the birthing suites nice here”…. I don’t know I only lost my son in one of those… What was I supposed to say? I actually said – “Yeah I’m sure they’re nice, the ones in the cape are big.”…. when I rushed off the elevator I felt like I was gonna get sick everywhere but I felt better a few minutes later. I went to the first room and get the EKG and as Im pulling the leads off and the P.A. comes in and asks the patient how he was doing and he starts to sob- “My wife just died a few weeks ago. We were together for 60 years and we lived in assisted living together and now Im lonely. I blow her a kiss to her picture every day. I asked God to take me to her but He dosn’t listen. He does not care about me.” I cried. Every time I said something he talked over me so i just let him talk about how beautiful his wife was and about all his grandkids. The P.A. finally spoke up and I left the room quietly.

Later I went to the ER to help a co-worker who was getting slammed, we were over our bed count. We are a heart and kidney hospital so we rarely get trauma unless its a true emergency and the patient CANT make the drive to LEE. Well, we got a traffic trauma alert today and my co-worker came out of the room and said he didn’t make it. His chest was all deformed and his bones were all mushed to one side from doing CPR for so long. I believe he was only in his 20’s. It was sad. He was in that room for a long time before they moved him to the morgue.

I walked to triage because one of the nurses wanted to talk to me. We sat down between triaging patients and she told me her story. She has MTHFR (homozygous), Factor 5 Leiden, and thrombosis. She said since she was 19 she has had 2 pulmonary embolisms and 5 DVT’s. She gave birth to a wonderful boy 7 years ago who would not have made it if it wasnt for her supportive doctors. She said she went against advice and carried the baby to full term (she did start labor at 7 months but they were able to stop it and she had to be on bed rest for 2 months). She got her tubes tied because she could not safely be on any birth control and her doctors advised her not to have another child for the sake of her and her baby’s life. I could tell she wanted more children and she was saddened by it. She gave me the name of a specialist OBGYN who dealt with her MTHFR (I’m C677T heterozygous) and the name of a hematologist that she and her family has seen. Its good to finally find a doctor who knows what there talking about.

Now… I want to have a baby but Im actually praying that I dont get pregnant too soon because I dont want to miscarry from this disorder within the first three months that Im waiting to get insurance and go see these specialists. Yeah, Im mad, I have to wait 90 days to get insurance since I moved fom PRN to part time. Ugh, Ive been an employee there, why does it start all over :(. If I do get pregnant and make it that far I pray that my insurance would still take me, its not my fault that waited 90 STUPID days!

I didnt get to crochet tonight because I made food for the week for work and Im working on homework now so hopefully tomorrow. I cant wait till I have off Friday, Im so tired.

Friday will be hard. My friends wedding is that day. Thats the day Seth was supposed to be born November 11,2011… It will be hard to go to the wedding honestly. I really want to be there but It will be so hard. I know I’m going to cry a lot on Friday. I just cant wait to relax this weekend though.

I miss you son. I cry at random moments and long for you all of the time. You make me emotional but you make me appreciate life and all of the beautiful people I have and all of the wonderful things I have. I look at people differently. I no longer judge by looks. I honestly ball my eyes out when I see the homeless on 41 or in the hospitals on these cool nights. I cry when I think about how grateful I am to have such a loving mother who has been my best friend all these years whether or not either of us realized it. I cry when I think of all of the sleepless nights I could have had with you Seth. All of the truck toys that I may have stepped on while getting up to check on you in the middle of the night, All of the tractor rides with your daddy, All of the hugs and kisses and excitement, poopey diapers, warm spit up…. I miss it. I miss what I never had.

God does hear me. He cries with me. He wept when Lazuraus died because he felt the pain that Mary and Martha felt, He knew it hurt. He knows it hurts.

He is here to stay. Seth is there to stay. This is not my home.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

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3 responses to “This is not my home

  1. That was so great that someone reached out to you like that. Hope it brings the doctor you need 🙂

  2. Samantha Marie

    I have been following your posts and I have to say that I identify with you in so many ways. I play this song “Blessings” on repeat almost every time I am in the car and I cry like a baby. Every since Maggie was born sleeping this song speaks to me. I can feel your pain in your posts and I hope you will continue to blog as you go through this awful journey of life after loss.

  3. peggy strait

    Good Blog Hollie,I love you more then you know and worry about you all the time ,you can come to momma anytime ,I will do what I can and Jesus will do more then that lots of Love xxxxxx00000

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