I should be sleeping because I have to wake up at 4AM for work and I have a throbbing headache but, I want to blog, makes me feel better.
Im SOOOOO TIRED. Cant wait to have off this weekend, its such a pleasant thing- weekends off.
I went to see you today son.
It was so beautiful outside. I slowly walked up to your grave. I looked around. I collapsed on the ground and cried, begged for you. I wept with all my heart for 45 minutes straight. I sat in the dirt with my scrubs on and wiped my face with dirt smudging across it. WHY? Why didnt I pray harder? Why didnt I trust that you could be brought back? Why didnt I plea with God? Why did I just accept what the doctors told me? Why didnt I ask for a miracle? Why didnt I take initiative with my midwife when I felt like something was wrong? Why did I wait so long? I want to hold you, rock you to sleep… I want you in MY arms. I finally realized there on the dirty ground, another baby is not going to fix my pain. I will not feel any better. This will last with me forever. I will have to tell my children to come about their oldest brother. How he went to be with Jesus before I met him. I just laid my head down there at that grave and sobbed. I looked up, face swollen and red, I could barely see. I saw across the field – a mother with her boys holding hands, one about 10 years old, one about 5. The mother bent down and was neatly placing flowers on the grave at her feet. I sobbed even harder, I probably scared the boys. WHY? Why is life so full of death. Why is it so painful to us but so joyful to you Lord?
I decided to go back to choir and just join and stay. I left a couple of years ago because I got busy. Its where I need to be. (maybe not solos, but with the choir as a whole lol). It was nice to be back. At the end someone came in and said two boys who were in youth group got in a major accident tonight and were airlifted to the hospital, the girl in the other car died. WHY? Why must more parents hear bad news about their children? Why God, why do you take our children? Why do you give us this desire to live for our children and then take them?
I trust God, I love God, I know this is His will and plan, Its just hard. Im a normal person with normal feelings. I hate it. I hate seeing my sons pictures but I couldnt live without them. I miss him more and more everyday. I want a child. I want to love, give, care, be apart of something more than me. I want it, I need it.
Yes I smile when Im out in public, and I most of the time and normal and happy but when Im alone, all I think about is him. Son, you are on my mind day and night and I dream of being pregnant and feeling you. I miss you. Its not easy. Oh Lord, its not easy. I just need something, someone bigger than me. I see you God, youre working every day but I need help. Can you help me? Can you hear me? I’m miserable. My body and mind and soul are tired. Can you take care of me? Can you heal me? Can you show me your word, your desire? Can you lead me to a true mentor? Can you? Im tired. I cant make it on my own. I know youre there. I know you hear me. I know you hold me.
My son…. nothing will bring you back. You are in that cold ground while I’m stupidly sobbing all over my keyboard. STOP IT… STOP IT. Please come back. I need you so bad. I still have your crib set up, I still have your sheets washed, I still have your bottles ready. Im so mad at you. Youre never going to use them. Youre never going to visit me. Youre never going to take care of me when Im old. Im so mad at you. I just want you to go away. I want to wake up. This is a nightmare isnt it?
Your due date was this Friday, can you not remind me? Can you just sit with Jesus and have fun and forget about me, I dont want to think anymore. I dont want to hurt anymore.
Just when I think its over, you come back and remind me youre gone….
wonderful, glorious,holy, righteous, victorious, conqueror, triumphant, mighty healer, deliverer, shield, defense, strong tower, my best friend, omnipotent, omnipresent, soon coming king, alpha, omega, Lord of everything.