Happy “supposed to be birthday” son, mommy loves you.

Warning: girl material ahead.

I dont know why I thought this would be easier. Im a mess. I looked awful today. My face is swollen and my eyes are red with black bags under them.  I’ve probably lost a whole week of sleep in these past two weeks.

Of course I started my period today, The day before Seth’s “supposed to be birthday”. An ugly reminder that I’m not pregnant anymore. I’m not a mom anymore. I feel so sick. I feel so emotional. I have an upset stomach and I’m not hungry at all.

I’ve been angry. Steven is working out of town of course and he keeps leading me on that he is coming home and then doesn’t show up, he all of a sudden finds more work. Its nice, we need the work and income but I’m dying. I want to be a normal husband and wife where we get to see each other every night . I want to see him every day. I want to sleep in the same room, not 300 miles away.  I want to go on vacations together. I want to work on having another kid, that will NEVER happen with him working out of town.  I have this fear that we just wont have kids…. Im just so angry at him. I just feel like nothing is working in my favor.

I should not complain. I have so much to be grateful for. Its just so hard when this day is here tomorrow and I will be all by myself, and then go to a wedding at which I will cry because I’m already emotional. I just want to lay in bed tomorrow.

Will my life ever get normal God? Im ok with a normal boring life, thats ok really, it is!

I miss being a teenager, I miss dating Steven, I miss having bonfires on cool nights, I miss being pregnant.

Nothing is going to make me feel better tonight and tomorrow.

Dear Seth Andrew Copeland,

You were so beautiful on your birthday. There were so many people there that loved you. As emotionally painful as it was I would trade everything to relive that day that I got to have you and hold you. I am in a lot more pain today than I have ever been in this last month and a half. You were a big boy. You had your daddy’s olive skin. You were tall and had your moms awkwardly long fingers and toes.

Your head was perfectly round and beautiful, just right for the shape and size of your body. Your skin was soft, your hands were tiny.. I wanted to see your eyes. I cry because of what I never had. I had all these dreams for you. I dreamed of you playing in the back yard. I dreamed you were a mommas boy who loved to get dirty like your dad. I dreamed you would build rock castles in the gravel in the yard. I dreamed you would ride the tractor with daddy and work on his truck. I dreamed you would make motor noises like your dad. I dreamed you would love school like your momma. I dreamed you would have that nice healthy dark hair. I just wanted to watch you grow up. I wanted you to run to mommy for all of your boo boo’s. I wanted you to confide in me with all of your silly childhood secrets. I wanted to watch you graduate and get married and have children. I thought of these things many months before I ever met you. You were on my mind from the time I saw that digital “pregnant” reading on that stick in the bathroom sink.  I heard friends stories of having their babies and I couldn’t wait! I don’t like being this kind of mom. God knew you when he knit you together and He had a plan for you. I kept a journal for you to have when you got older. Every so often during my pregnancy I wrote you a letter about all my symptoms and your moves and my thoughts. I’m sure I threw it away when I came home from the hospital. Dad looked so amazed by you, I loved watching him hold you. His eyes and heart were so big as he bundled you up and looked at your sleeping face.You were dressed in a blue monkey outfit. Its funny I was just talking that week about how I didnt like monkeys but yet I had bought you a jungle themed crib set with monkey things in the room lol. You know if you ever wanted to come back, mommy would take you, I would say sorry for not fixing this awful boo boo before I did. Happy birthday my baby boy.


8 responses to “Happy “supposed to be birthday” son, mommy loves you.

  1. This is such a emotional time for you right now,you should not be alone.
    Can you stay with your family or friends over the next two days?

  2. Glad you have someone with you

  3. There are no words of comfort, but I will say you are still a mom. Your child lives in heaven but you will always be a mom. I know of a couple support groups online that you might find helpful. Even if it’s just to read what others have to say. Let me know and I will post them for you. Hang in there…keep crying, keep feeling even though it’s the last thing you want to do and keep blogging.

  4. Samantha you could not have said it any better. Hollie you are a Mom and always will be!

  5. I am so sorry you are facing this day without you husband. In my darkest moment my husband was the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning. I know this pain all to well and it’s been 4 years for me. I am sorry your son did not make it into this physical world alive, so sorry you never got to see him alive outside of your belly. I know that no words in the world can make this ok…but I know too that your son was loved, he never knew fear, or anger, or cold, or hunger, or anything at all outside of pure, unfiltered love coming from his mama’s body. He is a lucky boy to have so much love. Hug

  6. I dito everyones comments! I am so sorry for your loss. This February 3rd will be my little angle’s first “supposed” birthday. I know I will be a huge mess!!!!! Not looking forward to it.

    • Same to you, I’m sorry for your loss. Ive had to finally let go and tell myself- “its ok to be a mess” :). Its not fun, but its ok. We need it for our own minds sake. Its amazing how fresh the pain remains as time goes on. I followed your blog, keep writing. I think its so very important to us. .

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