Without you

I guess Friday didn’t go so bad, I just stayed busy. Went to the wedding, it was nice, took me all day to get ready, I just couldn’t get moving. My sister and I went together.

Courtney is just about the love of my life lol. I would never ask for a better friend than my little sister. I cant believe my baby sister is graduating and joining adulthood this May… whoa!

Heres some pictures from the wedding

^most adorable favorite cousin who should be my sister; Lashay

Anyways, it was nice. I actually recorded LaShay singing at the wedding reception but for some reason its not uploading to youtube so Ill have to post it later maybe.

I’ve been stressed lately. Between work – we’re just so behind in a lot of stuff and I just don’t know what to do to catch up, and then- this solo at church. I’m freaking myself out. Its a hard song. We practice this Wednesday night and I just don’t know if this was the right decision for me to sing it. I’m just having a hard time, I feel like my voice has changed since having the baby. I definitely don’t sing like I used to. Been stressed about this car situation that we’re having. Stressed about needing health insurance. Bills… you know, all the normal stuff that everyone is stressed about.

Ive been working on my crocheting… let’s just say, I need to work more lol.

The left is the third attempt at a scarf, the right is my latest 4th attempt. Its not easy and I have no clue what I’m doing and what I’m doing wrong.

At least the 4th attempt is better but the stitches are just not clean.

With work, school and choir and learning this crocheting stuff I’m very busy but I still feel pretty void.  I still feel very a lone with Steven working. I’m pretty sure a baby is not in our future for a while… hard to swallow. I think about it all the time and the girls at work talk casually about when they want to have more kids. Sometimes it makes me mad that they complain about the ones they have now- at least yours is alive… whatever.

Steven finally talked a little bit to me this weekend. He is still shocked that Seth is gone. He still doesn’t want to go to church because he cant imagine anything but the funeral happening there. He said this week at work when he was in the truck he wept when he heard this song. It’s been ALL over our radio stations.

I won’t soar, I won’t climb
If you’re not here I’m paralyzed without you, without you

I can’t look, I’m so blind
Lost my heart, I lost my mind without you without… You.

He said he just can’t imagine what life is going to be like without Seth after all of the wondering what it would be like with him.  I know hes hurting. He gets mad because he doesn’t see me hurting and I always let him know, for 5 days out of the week you don’t see me, guess what I’m doing on those 5 days… probably crying. Its hard to grieve your child when the two of you are doing it at separate times and are at different levels.

I really really really want a vacation. I want to go to Alaska…. vacation, I don’t see that in the near future either. I just need to get away and not think about anything for just a couple of days, thats all I want. I just need to get away from myself for just a little while.

I cooked chicken and rice and pasta tonight so Id have food for the week because I dont really have time to cook every night.

Well, I didnt write anything exciting today, I just feel like mush. Im going to do my homework, call my husband (if hes in the mood to talk), and go to bed.