I want so bad to just run away (by myself) and start over. I don’t want anyone or anything. I look so happy because Im literally tired of talking to people about what has happened to me so I smile and nod and say yeah I’m good because I’m tired of talking about it. I have everything I want and nothing I desire. Im not ready to take down the stuff in the baby’s room. I’m not ready for holidays or family gatherings. I just want to be alone. seriously. I want to drive (by myself) till I’m tired and just stay wherever I land. I do not want to see any pregnant people or babies or lovie dovie husbands and wives. I am soooo angry at pregnant women I dont even want to open my mouth because its rediculous.
Stillbirth changes people. My relationships have changed and it sucks. I feel like I dont mean much, I get put down, I’m just tired of it. Im tired of things being different. Besides my son not being here, nothing is different from how it was before so why treat me different?
I dont want to sing, work, do art, read, crochet. I want to start over. Be a different person. New name, new hobbies, new town, new everything. Its not gonna happen but I can make up my own fairy tale in my head.
Steven has been home the last couple days (hence no blogs from me) waiting on work and of course he wont be home when I’m off work this weekend, whatever it doesn’t matter anyways, Hes been in a bad mood towards everyone since I can remember now for the last few months and there is no excuse for it. Id rather be alone if that is the case.
New 2012 Kia Soul… FIRST new car EVER lol… It smells nice. Its cute. It has lights in the cup holders and floor board and at night it looks cool. It has Bluetooth with my phone so I can call people through my car without using my phone. Satellite for a year, 5 year roadside assistance, 5yr/60,000 miles bumper to bumper warranty and 10yr/100,000 miles power training warranty. I pray God lets us get super good use out of it and we can pay it off early maybe (that would be nice).
I want to escape for a little bit. I guess sleep is the only thing that will do that for me right now so….