Start over

I want so bad to just run away (by myself) and start over. I don’t want anyone or anything. I look so happy because Im literally tired of talking to people about what has happened to me so I smile and nod and say yeah I’m good because I’m tired of talking about it. I have everything I want and nothing I desire. Im not ready to take down the stuff in the baby’s room. I’m not ready for holidays or family gatherings. I just want to be alone. seriously. I want to drive (by myself) till I’m tired and just stay wherever I land. I do not want to see any pregnant people or babies or lovie dovie husbands and wives. I am soooo angry at pregnant women I dont even want to open my mouth because its rediculous.

Stillbirth changes people. My relationships have changed and it sucks. I feel like I dont mean much, I get put down, I’m just tired of it. Im tired of things being different. Besides my son not being here, nothing is different from how it was before so why treat me different?

I dont want to sing, work, do art, read, crochet. I want to start over. Be a different person. New name, new hobbies, new town, new everything. Its not gonna happen but I can make up my own fairy tale in my head.

Steven has been home the last couple days (hence no blogs from me) waiting on work and of course he wont be home when I’m off work this weekend, whatever it doesn’t matter anyways, Hes been in a bad mood towards everyone since I can remember now for the last few months and there is no excuse for it. Id rather be alone if that is the case.

we bought a new car

New 2012 Kia Soul… FIRST new car EVER lol… It smells nice. Its cute. It has lights in the cup holders and floor board and at night it looks cool. It has Bluetooth with my phone so I can call people through my car without using my phone. Satellite for a year, 5 year roadside assistance, 5yr/60,000 miles bumper to bumper warranty and 10yr/100,000 miles power training warranty. I pray God lets us get super good use out of it and we can pay it off early maybe (that would be nice).

I want to escape for a little bit. I guess sleep is the only thing that will do that for me right now so….

night.

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7 responses to “Start over

  1. Hollie I know you may not want to hear this but you may be having post partumn depression and need to see that DR you had in the hospital he said call if you need to. I love you and you need to start thinking positive,God is still blessing you.I am here if you need me to talk to or what ever I can do for you.

  2. no, im not depressed, Im fine, Im just angry cause steven has been acting like a jerk for months and needs to knock it off cause Im tired of it

  3. thats why I didnt post this on facebook. this is my journal so of course im gonna write things I feel in it, Its not like I soak on these things all day and lay in bed and do nothing with my life.

  4. I stubbled across your blog when I googled stillborn blog, I am searching and looking for others like me. I also blog and Lost my son Eli on 10/9/11. Blogging has really helped me and I have only been doing it for two days now. I can’t wait to read more of your blog. Many people do not understand that we live in days that are feeled with darkness when we loose our children. In these days sometimes the simplest things like just blogging our feeling shine a little light in our lives…..

    • Keep your head up. I too still look for other moms. Its a slight comfort to know that were not alone and it’s ok to feel the way we do. Eli, that’s a beautiful name. My friends just lost their son Eli in October too. Keep blogging, it does you good, even if all you have to say is negative, that’s less negativity you physically will show towards others cause you got it out in words. My heart and prayers are with you and I cant wait to read your blog too. Its not easy but God chose us because He knew we could handle this, we are strong. We are here to remember our children forever because they impacted so many lives.

  5. Your feelings are valid. I have the same problems with my significant other. Until I broke down and flat out asked him through my tears he never mentioned our little girl…nothing. I felt I was the only one remembering her and he was being a jerk because I was grieving and he didn’t know what to do in order to help me. I didn’t have PPD but I did start seeing a Psych dr about a month after Maggie was stillborn and someday’s I think those medication’s are the only way I get through the day. It certainly is the only reason some people in my life are still breathing! Sending many positive thoughts your way ❤

    • Yeah, he grieves when he wants to but how he deals with it is literally turning into some “hard/nonpushover” man. He acts like hes big and bad to everyone and has smart comments. This only started since the baby passed so I know thats probably his way of dealing with things but I do not like the wall he puts up, it makes me feel junky. I talked to him about it last night, he dosnt really care, he just moves on to the next subject so… I guess I have to live with it till he progresses to real grieving, I just hate going through this stage. Hes a wonderful, well-mannered man and such a gentleman but it has all been set aside for now…. although it doesn’t sound like it from my post, I have not been depressed (I write before I go to bed, the only time my mind races), but Ive had MAD anxiety and its starting to drive me crazy but I work with doctors all day and Im honestly pretty scared to go see one. I dont want to turn into a zombie and be on a bunch of stuff that I have to depend on especially if I do happen to get pregnant. I had bad anxiety when I was pregnant too from my raging hormones but I sucked it up and just stuck to my prenatals … man, life is a mess lol.

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