Santa, dont come here this year

English: Santa Claus with a little girl Espera...

Yesterday was Steven’s business Christmas party. I didnt really want to go. All of the Christmas decor and children and happy people. I just wanted to sit by myself. I wished people would have stopped talking to me. Santa came to the party to surprise the kids… I stood in the back as all the kids went up and got their presents and were “wowed” at Santas appearance. When santa left, the kids ripped open their presents. One 3 year old boy ran up to his dad and said “Look dad!”. It was a play toy shaving kit with toy story characters on it. The dad pulled out all the stuff in it and showed the little boy how to use it. He began to “shave” his bare skin with a giant smile on his face. He giggled. I said “look Steven, hes so cute”. Just as I finished I spun around and lost it. I cried so hard I couldnt breathe. I dug My face in Stevens arm and just cried till I could control myself. We walked to the side of the house. All I could think about is how that could have been my little boy. Smiling into his daddy’s eyes, wanting to be just like him- shaving and tractor riding and running in circles in the yard. But it wasnt my son. It wasnt my life. This wasnt my dream. It hurts so bad to just see children. I cant stand it. Every time I see a little boy my throat closes up and my eyes water. I cant stand it. That could have been my son.

The night calmed down and people left eventually and I had a little bit of time to just breathe and not see any kids thankfully.

I came home last night and spent four hours making my first hairband!

Its beautiful :). I stayed up till 1:30 AM making it but I love it and I wore it to church this morning… I should have taken a picture of that :). SO…. I have my first customer buying a headband for someone ❤ – Thanks ADAM PAUL HANNERS!!! I stinking love learning all this crocheting stuff.

Heres some coasters I made. You can tell which were my first ones and which ones I did last lol

Ive still been itching and feeling a little crazy. Just tired and emotional and anxious. Was supposed to start my period 4 days ago but idk,..Im not pregnant, took a test…. Wish I was, but we have a long time till that happens.

Gotta get ready for choir

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One response to “Santa, dont come here this year

  1. Meshitravels

    It comes anytime even when you feel strong.
    I guess it always will.That is the beauty of it imagine if we didn’t cry when we see such things.
    The day I stop is the day I stop missing him or I don’t exist on earth .

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