Waiting

Warning other stillbirth moms: old pregnant picture at the end if you dont want to see, you might not want to read.

Just havnt been in the mood to blog lately… plus ive been so busy.

Some days are harder than others. Ive been keeping very busy with crocheting to pass time. Its hard. Its finally the time when all of the rest of my friends are having babies or trying to. Its just not fair. I still feel like crap to be honest. I have good days of course but I have bad days. Im just tired of these empty arms.Thursday I went to a dinner for work that had to do with reps selling this medicine and I saw a pregnant girl across the way. She was happy and smiling and prancing around. Honestly… I hated it. It was aggravating. I wanted to ask her to stop being annoying. I completely saw me in her. I remember laughing and my belly was so big that it jiggled up and down like Santa’s…

I guess my blogs have seemed pretty negative lately. I think its just with Christmas coming up and all thats going on at home, Im just not ready to face it. Thanksgiving was hard but Christmas will be harder.

Steven said hes not ready still. Its aggravating. I want to be pregnant again. I still hurt and I feel like thats the only way Im going to move on some. I want to be pregnant again. I want to feel a baby in my tummy. I want to throw up and feel dizzy all over again, and pee my pants, just so I can have my own baby to hold like everyone else. People who dont deserve kids, who treat their kids wrong, or give them up, or do drugs, or cant provide… they all got to have healthy babies.  I just wish Steven would get over it. Were never going to have everything we want before we have a kid so cant we just do it  now. We literally have everything from the baby shower. Crib, dressers, clothes, diapers, toys, bottles,…. everything. Im just obssessed and crazy about it and everything that has to do with babies hurts my feelings anymore.

Yesterday a box of infant enfamil formula and coupons came in the mail. It hurt. I took my name off of all junk mail registries so this wouldn’t happen and… it still did. We went to the mall yesterday and walked by Motherhood Maternity. I looked in and saw this laughing couple struggling to find which giant shirt fit this lady’s tummy the best… anger….

I dont want to say Im getting bitter but the longer I go with no hope that Steven will ever be ready to have a baby again, the longer I will feel angry. Its upsetting to hear every time I ask, “No I dont know when Ill be ready, we dont have to have children”… seriously… Its different being the mom. I felt being pregnant, I felt the baby move, all of 8 months. Its not like I just met him and left him and that was all I had of him. I grew a relationship with Seth. I would set my phone on my stomach and play old hymns to him and he would roll around and kick my phone off my stomache. I would lay in bed and roll to one side and feel his feet push against my ribs as he stretched out. I would stand for a long time and sit down to feel him perform his kickboxing moves. I just miss him.

I dont really have any hope for having more kids and that’s aggravating.  I miss him. Im not ready for Christmas. I just want to stay home these next couple of weeks and lay in bed and relax so my nerves stop freaking out. I miss everything I was supposed to have.  If I dont get pregnant soon I just feel like I have nothing. And getting pregnant is not an option when your husband dosnt want to.

So to my future baby,

I wish it was easy as Mary and Joseph in that first Christmas season, no man action required, just faithfulness and…viola- baby. You’re big brother is my heart beat. His name, life, and presence, was my everything. I just dont want to do it without you. I feel so lonely even though I had this same life before Seth and was very content. Im not anymore. Its selfish, but Im not. Get in Stevens head and just convince him its ok. I cant go another Christmas without you here. We have all this stuff waiting for you. I dont care if youre a girl and you have to wear all boy stuff, cause you will strut it baby doll. I dont care if your a boy and you look just like your big brother. I just want you healthy and here. Im okay with throwing up and peeing my pants and aching. Ill take it! Ill be happy about it this time! Christmas isnt all about family but its the thought of what you where supposed to be sharing at Christmas. Its hard. I hope I do not pass this gene to you and it is not difficult for you to have kids. I dont know how anyone could live without having a child of their own. When God sends you down here. Make it to me this time. I need to hold you soon. I miss this

P.S.- Thanks to Living absolute’s blog, I just bought some wishing lanterns to light on Christmas night at the beach…. Hope my husband doesn’t kill me for spending more money 🙂

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5 responses to “Waiting

  1. "M" is for Marriage and Motherhood... And for Me

    I’m sorry about your loss 😦

  2. Thanks for sharing the photo 🙂

  3. You know, I doubt this info will be of much help or comfort….but after I lost my little one, someone else who had lost three told me that it’s harder for the man to want to try again. I was frustrated because ONE MONTH after I lost her I got obsessed about being pregnant again. I didn’t even want to be pregnant again that quick, but I could think of nothing else. That girl told me that us women remember the baby inside of us (I was only 19 weeks, so my husband never got to feel our baby kick in my tummy on the outside 😦 and that was heartbreaking) because we could feel it inside. However, our husbands generally remember the actual birthing process and remember how much pain we were in afterwards when we lost our baby…and they can do nothing to fix it. Men are fixers. I remember my husband felt so devistated because he couldn’t do anything to stop me from crying all of the time for months. It is, unfortunately, different for them. But, I don’t know if your husband is the same way. Hope this helps….

  4. I love your photo

  5. My x didn’t want me to have another baby right after losing my Brandon, but it happened like it or not and much sooner than we expected. He told me after i got pregnant again, he didn’t want me to get pregnant again so soon because he was afraid it would happen again. He was very happy about the new pregnancy tho especially after it passed the most critical stages and the stage where we lost our baby. Hope this helps, I’m so sorry for your loss. It does get easier!

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