Merry Christmas

Exactly three months ago today, someone told us as we were sitting in our hospital room resting from laboring all night, that this (the death of our baby) would either pull us together or break us apart. We looked at each other and thought how could this ever pull us apart.

Three months later… It is Christmas and all of my friends just had babies, are having more babies, or pronouncing their upcoming babies on Facebook while I sit in this very dark corner of my mind, with nothing. I am in no mood to meet Christmas this morning. I dont want to open gifts, see gifts, even see family really. Steven repeatedly makes it clear, no babies…..

I used to be congradulated on my God given strength through this but something has just changed and I have become more bitter everyday. Knowing that you may  not have children for years, or have children at all, is the worst feeling a mother could ever have.

Now we know what they meant, this will break you, or make you. I feel broken…

Im still itching AWFULLY crazy and its been the worst Christmas morning this 20 years has ever had… If it wasnt for family expecting me to be present today, I would go back to bed and wake up for work tomorrow. Id rather be there anyways.

Happy Birthday Jesus…


2 responses to “Merry Christmas

  1. I love you, Hollie!!!

  2. You are in my prayers,,, I feel much the same way, yet I am so super lucky to have a husband who realized that it is ok that I didn’t want to be around anyone but him and my oldest son yesterday. I hope things get better for you… the funk as I call it when I am there is no place to be alone….

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