Tired and in a bad mood. Things not going the way I planned. Steven wants nothing to do with the things of my future and I dont want anything to do with his. His future consists of restoring his truck for the rest of his life- I would rather rip my eye balls out of the socket then watch our bank account be sucked up, hear about, or even see the restoration. I dont care. I want a house and babies, UGH… its ridiculousness. NOTHING will EVER be normal. I dont see normal or happy anytime soon because all he talks about is that STUPID truck. One day when Im sitting on my deathbed, that truck is gonna mean nothing to him (or I hope). Its gonna be old and rusty and burnt up and worth nothing. SO GET OVER IT!
Posted in anxiety, Family, Steven, my love, Work
Tagged angry, future, happy, husband, marriage, restoration, sad, truck, Vehicle
So… today we did KempoX (kickboxing)…. wow that was some extreme cardio, my head is still throbbing from when we finished an hour ago, I thought I literally was gonna have a stroke I could feel my heart pounding lol, WOW Im out of shape. So… I havnt weighed myself yet, dont really feel the need, its only been 6 days, but I SLOWLY do not feel as sore as when I started and I SLOWLY feel less bloated. Im really hoping results start coming, Im already just feeling good about myself because I know Im doing the right thing.
Tonight my husband and I are going to eat at my mommas house. Its my grandmas birthday and shes cooking and inviting her boyfriend and us over so that will be nice to see my family. I dont get to see them often since I got married and of course I miss my mom and sister to death.
I finished my Anatomy class today (even though this was the second time taking it lol) I think I did ok. Im really hopeing for an A but idk if that will happen cause I had a 90 last week so Ill probably get a B :(. So anyways, now that Im all done, I have a WHOLE MONTH OFF SCHOOL WOOT!!!! We are still hoping for the vacation for me to go see snow for the first time around Feb. 18th. CANT WAIT!!!!
I want to get a TON of crocheting done since I have no school I REALLY hope I can.
We got all of our W2’s now we have to go file our taxes. Im debating, I dont know what to do. When we first started the company Steven wasnt taking out enough so we dont know if we will owe from that period of time that he didnt know that he wasnt having enough coming out so should we file before vacation and MAYBE get some money back, or file after vacation incase we have to pay so we dont jip ourselves of a good time? lol, its hard to think about.
Anyways, thats whats been goin on, gonna get myself together for dinner tonight and do some crocheting.
Posted in crochet, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, Steven, my love, Vacation, Work
Tagged class, crochet, crocheting, dinner, exercise, family, health, hobbies, husband, kenpoX, kick-boxing, mom, P90X, school, taxes, vacation, Weight loss, Work, work out
Just a quick rant… I am SOOOO SICK of attitude. seriously. My husband and I are grown people and if you dont know our story dont accuse us of anything. UGH I am so sick of it. I hate it when people put my husband down it literally rips my heart open. I cant stand to listen people beat him down, hes already got a low enough self esteem from all that has happened to him the last few months. Im just sick of this business, sick. of. it. I want him to go back to having a regular job, working for someone else, gaurunteed 40 hours a week with benefits. I miss it. I want us to have our regular lives back with A LOT smaller amount of stress. Owning a company= rip your life up. DONT DO IT. I just want us to be a normal family again. Im tired of hearing peoples mouth run just because they are stressed, TIRED OF IT. Don’t go blow up at every person that is in your way because your worried about your problems.
Honestly herr is the sad thing. If I was not a christian I WOULD NOT BE ONE because OF STUPID PEOPLE THAT I HAVE DEALT WITH IN THE LAST FEW DAYS. I am totally turned off. Thats sad. One minute I am inspired by amazing people like my sister who is very involved with my Jesus and the next I feel hopeless because someone who calls themselves a christian and who is active in the church literally spews out hatred, vile, nastiness- I dont want anything to do with it. Its sad but HONEST. Nothing to do with it. Change my heart oh God, I need it, because I dont have ANY faith in any christian that I have run into in the past few days.
Posted in anxiety, Family, Friends, Health, Jesus, my love, Steven, my love, Work
Tagged attitude, Christ, Christian, Christianity, God, jesus, Religion and Spirituality, Self-esteem, Work
OK, day two of exercising….
last night we (mother in law and I) did chest, back and abs for P90X.
Tonight is Plyometrics. I woke up this morning and did 30 minutes on the elliptical with a heart rate of like 170 for most of the time. Man I feel beat up still from last night. I cant wait to start dropping the pounds. Now that Im on the wagon (I hope I dont fall off), Im thinking of all the great benefits exercising will have. Better health, future baby, attracted husband (lol), and good self esteem. So, go weight, go :).
So I have today off work. Not every day will I be able to do the extra cardio but when I can I will.
Get myself looking decent for public (lol), pay rent,phone,some med bills, pick up vitamins and folic acid, (dont forget to pee in my container for my kidney test), dishes, homework, crochet. I should make dinner somewhere in there but I doubt I will, I hate cooking, I dont know how we eat honestly.
So, guess I got a lot to do, going to start.
Went and got my vitamins. The doctor said he dosnt care what vitamins they are, even if they are flinstones thats ok so… I got sour flinstone gummies!!! AND they taste good!!! Got some folic acid and ate the sandwich for lunch and will eat the salad for dinner if my husband dosnt first 🙂
I painted my nails too 🙂
good day :)…
OH and this is random but I need to show you pictures of the other day, we went on the boat, FUN!
Ugh, I love my aida baby, she is soooo cute! lol. Wish I knew how to upload videos, I have some funny ones. So if you know how to feel free to leave step by step instructions lol.
Posted in Dogs, Family, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged boat, boating, dog, folic acid, health, Heart rate, Nutrition, ocean, P90X, Parent-in-law, Physical exercise, Plyometrics, Vitamin, water, Weight loss
They were so nice Im very happy that everyone in the office took time to talk to me.
The doctor said to start with, I need to
1. loose 20 lbs. (ugh that sounds so hard, I dont even know what to do)
2. do cardio exercise every day
3. take a vitamin and 1mg of folic acid
4. keep track of my blood pressure.
He said Im too young to be having high blood pressure like I’ve had. He thinks I might have kidney problems like renal stenosis and/or thyroid problems so I have to go get a bunch of blood taken and pee in a bucket for a day (and keep in in an ice bucket) so he can look at all the labs. Im honestly terrified that the results will come back with something scary.
We discussed basically getting in shape, my weird problems, and stevens heart problem. The doctor was concerned about his bicuspid aortic valve and told me that he needs to see a cardiologist since he has not been seeing a doctor.
So anyways, I go back on valentines day for my next appt.
In other news, we were supposed to go on vacation and now…. well now we have all of these unexpected bills from a problem that my husband ran into and i dont think well have money to go now… UGH SO ANGRY. I WANT TO GET AWAY. I just want to cry cause I cant stand it, I need a break. We havnt gone on vacation since our honeymoon almost 2 years ago, and all we did then was take 3 days off and go fishing.
so … thats it for today. I have tomorrow off. I need to crochet, do schoolwork, lose weight, and chillax cause I feel like Im gonna pass out from all this junk.
Ok, its 10 PM… I did my first day of P90X to lose some weight, it was a work out of 1hr. and 15 min. Worked on Chest, back, and abs…. BUT my whole body feels like its going to snap in half lol… WOW I did not realize how NOT in shape I was. This is going to be hard but I have to lose the weight so here it goes. Glad I got through the first of 90 days of pure craziness!
Posted in Health, Infant loss, MTHFR, stillbirth, stillborn, Uncategorized, Vacation, Work
Tagged abs, back, Bicuspid aortic valve, Blood pressure, chest, doctor, exercise, folic acid, Heart disease, Hypertension, P90X, Renal artery stenosis, vacation, Weight loss, work out
So Im feeling pretty bad right now. Really bad headache. Dizzy…. Ive been having high blood pressure, who knows why, Im not old and Im not overweight. Maybe stress but even when I really do feel really calm, I still have high blood pressure. idk, if Steven comes home and I still feel bad I might go to convinient care to get it checked out. I have a Maternal Fetal Medicine appt. on Monday to do bloodwork and talk to me about what I have I guess.. Idk what really is going to happen lol.
So last Sunday Steven and I took the dogs out to a park… and THIS is why I LOVE where I live and couldnt move away, Im a nature girl all the way.
Ugh it was beautiful and the dogs LOVED it! They swam, (as we watched very closely for alligators) They ran all over, and of course loved the wind in their faces on the buggy. It was beautiful. There were cows and deer and birds and yes, alligators.
Then Tuesday I went to joanns to buy some yarn to make some baby hats cause we started a group at church to make things for people in hospitals, stillbirths, homeless, etc. and while standing in line, I heard this music. It became louder and louder. I stepped out of line like a crazy woman and walked towards the music. It was soft and familiar. *Flashbacks*. Hospital, contractions, push, baby, family, cry, wheelchaired to car empty handed….. It was the same music I had steven’s parents bring from home to play for me while I was in labor. Steven religously played it for me over and over till I asked him to turn it off (long after he was sick of it). It caught me. Out of no where, completely triggered every smell, sound, touch, and thought of that day. I didnt cry. But I wandered back toward the checkout line silently, staring at the ground.
Here are the hats Ive made so far, the yellow is more of a child size and the pink is a preemie hat.
We went on the boat yesterday. Steven saw a manatee, of course I didnt lol. It was nice out.
I have to work this weekend so lots of homework, a little crocheting. Next month I have off school cause I dont have any classes scheduled (YAY). I hope to do a lot of crocheting. It would be SO much fun to open an ETSY shop! :D.
❤ anyways, my head hurts,Im gonna go for now.
Posted in crochet, Dogs, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, School, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged Blood pressure, crochet, crocheting, Death, dizzy, doctor, dog, dogs, family, flashbacks, friends, hat, Headache, health, hobbies, Hypertension, Infant Loss, nature, Stillbirth, stillborn, Work
My story in my baby sisters eyes.
Posted in death, Family, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, MTHFR, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged baby, Death, family, God, Infant Loss, jesus, Loss, sister, son, Stillbirth, stillborn, writing