Desperate

The days are getting longer. My emotions swing back and forth like crazy. One day Im ok and literally the next day Im NOT ok.  There is NO day that I do not go by teary eyed. I have just been consumed with my son… and honestly death. (not in a suicidal kind of way, just in a curious kind of way). Its scary, its dark, its unknown. Im a christian but Im still scared of death. Im still scared of the rapture, judgement, all of it. I know its because I am not mature enough in my walk but when will I get there? How much more do I have to take to get there? I know what it will take to get there, I just have to do it.

I am just so desperate to have a baby. DESPERATE. Like crazy woman desperate! Its taken over my mind and I cant get it out. Im so stressed. I have headaches constantly. Each day feels like that day all over again. I wake up and still think about being pregnant. Its aggravating.

I want to be in labor. Isn’t it funny. its a first mothers worst fear. Why? Its beautiful, liberating, in most cases, not mine) productive. I miss it. I actually want to be in that hospital bed.  I want to be all cramped up and throwing up, heavy and uncomfortable. It is the most exciting thing. It makes a woman feel strong and helpless at the same time.

I need to have a baby for my sanity. If I happen to get pregnant it will be a much wanted accident because Steven has changed his mind yet again, no babies.. again.

… Im so busy but nothing is helping my mind. I just cant stand to see happy babies and mommies. I just feel like junk. I need to be a mommy!

I’ve definitely been having killer headaches. I hate it, it scares me. I’m going to see a doctor in a few weeks about my itching and headaches and joint swelling… I hope everything is ok.

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3 responses to “Desperate

  1. I hope everything works out well with the baby:)) I Hope you had a great new year’s day and I look forward to reading more:))

    jonwatersauthor.wordpress.com

  2. Even though I’m going through the same thoughts it is still so hard to know what to say Hollie. Just be kind to yourself and keep trying to take it easy.
    When I think about having a baby, I get all anxious about the baby, pregnancy and all that. But when I talk to Hubby his fear is all for me. He saw in a different way the birth of our child, he had to stand by helpless and not be able to do anything to prevent or help me. For him to be ok with trying again he had to see me get better and stronger. I had to show him that I was truly ready and not just wanting.
    I wish nothing but happiness for you Hollie, I hope there are better days ahead 🙂

  3. Gettingitsorted just said what I was thinking about hubby. I do know the desperate feelings!!! You get to a point where you can literally think of nothing else, and men cant understand that with pregnancy (especially after losing one). Good luck to you.

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