The days are getting longer. My emotions swing back and forth like crazy. One day Im ok and literally the next day Im NOT ok. There is NO day that I do not go by teary eyed. I have just been consumed with my son… and honestly death. (not in a suicidal kind of way, just in a curious kind of way). Its scary, its dark, its unknown. Im a christian but Im still scared of death. Im still scared of the rapture, judgement, all of it. I know its because I am not mature enough in my walk but when will I get there? How much more do I have to take to get there? I know what it will take to get there, I just have to do it.
I am just so desperate to have a baby. DESPERATE. Like crazy woman desperate! Its taken over my mind and I cant get it out. Im so stressed. I have headaches constantly. Each day feels like that day all over again. I wake up and still think about being pregnant. Its aggravating.
I want to be in labor. Isn’t it funny. its a first mothers worst fear. Why? Its beautiful, liberating, in most cases, not mine) productive. I miss it. I actually want to be in that hospital bed. I want to be all cramped up and throwing up, heavy and uncomfortable. It is the most exciting thing. It makes a woman feel strong and helpless at the same time.
I need to have a baby for my sanity. If I happen to get pregnant it will be a much wanted accident because Steven has changed his mind yet again, no babies.. again.
… Im so busy but nothing is helping my mind. I just cant stand to see happy babies and mommies. I just feel like junk. I need to be a mommy!
I’ve definitely been having killer headaches. I hate it, it scares me. I’m going to see a doctor in a few weeks about my itching and headaches and joint swelling… I hope everything is ok.