Nothing

I never thought at 20, I would be a stillbirth mother, dying to have another baby, and coming to the realization that its may not be as easy as it sounds.

20 really, infertility? Although Steven dosnt want to try, Ive still been keeping a calendar and trying on every possible day that ANYTHING could happen. Not behind his back, he knows, he just dosnt realy like the idea. So Im not gonna lie, I really thought something would happen this month…. nothing….

There are all these crazy people out there running around having babies out the ying yang for money, attention, with different fathers, people who are 16, SERIOUSLY world- this is what we encourage? What about all of those crazed LOVING mothers and fathers who have tried for years to have babies and .. nothing. I know we havnt tried that long but COME ON, I got pregnant before when we never really did anything to try. Its aggravating because last month I had a few days were Steven was compliant with the idea. Now, Ill be lucky if I get to try again for years. Hes so set on getting a house before we do anything (which we cant find anything, hes SOOO picky), then he’ll want me to finish school, then he’ll want to restore his truck… Im just tired of thinking I might be 30 before I have a kid. Theres nothing wrong with that, it was just never my plan. And even at that, what if I cant have any more babies and it’s too late, I waited too long and wasted all these years of trying. Its just terrifying…. nothing.

I have come to realize after a month. This will be a long haul. I am very angry. all of my friends have had their babies and Im sitting at home crocheting. Their showing off their precious angels on facebook and Im posting pictures of scarves and dish scrubbers. It seems like their marraiges have had no abrupt speed bumps in the road. I never wanted this and I still don’t. Its whatever, I have to take what comes but I dont have to like it. I dont think Steven would ever consider adoption. I brought up fostering once and he had a cow. Im not gonna be the old couple who squeezes little kids cheeks cause I dont have my own.

Its just not fair. My mom taught me one giant lesson early on in which I watched her go through plenty of times. Lifes not fair. But seriously, Im young and was able at one point. Everyone else is such a fertile mertyle, they think about having a baby and they have one without even doing anything

You know, we went out to eat the other day. The manager at the resteraunt knows Steven and she hasnt seen us since September and she asked where the baby was. I looked at Steven and looked away as I teared up. He replied… “we lost the baby a few months ago”. She just kept saying “nu uh, are you kidding”. I wanted to slap her. she finally sat down and said “oh, Im sorry”, and then quickly got up and said “Ill be right back”…. she never came back.

Its aggravating.

I have gained A LOT of weight in the last two weeks. I know its stress. We NEED to get a house. Its not season and Steven dosnt get 40 hours a week, hes lucky if he gets any right now so he pulled out of his stocks to show 40 hours from the company and we only have like a month to find something before we have to do that again, and we cant do that again. UGH, its so stressful. He wants cheap, land, roomy house. You cant get all of those for cheap. We will never find anything at the rate he goes. Ill settle for anything liveable and lastable (I know thats not a word).  Anyways, get a house and start a giant diet exercise thing… thats what I need to do.

Guess Ill go back to my crocheting…..

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One response to “Nothing

  1. Why he is so against adoption?? I can possibly understand fostering, because chances aren’t always that great that you get to keep them. I am a “fertyle mertyle” but it doesn’t make a difference because I can’t carry to term (as of yet…). In my situation (which I know is completely different!) I would almost rather adopt than risk losing another one. Knowing the baby is fine, but then my body just kicks it out too early. I am 28 and feel OLD, which I know I’m not (yet). But if we lose this one, then decide to adopt…adoption could take years maybe….and I’m just that much older. Yuck. I pray your husband wants whats best for you! Some day….Women are definitely (sometimes unfortunately) embedded with that baby making gene and men don’t seem to be.

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