Dreams

Im supposed to be doing my homework but I’m obviously side tracked. I was just thinking. The birth and death of my little baby boy Seth has effected a lot of people. You know when you hear that you are not the only one dreaming about the same things. My sister told me today. I dreamt you had a baby boy last night. The last week Ive had A LOT of dreams about having a baby. There was one night I dreamt I was in the hospital having a baby. One night where I dreamt that I had a 9 week and 20 week ultrasound (and it was VERY VIVID)…. ugh, its taking over lol. Its just interesting to think about how he has impacted our minds and when I think its not a big deal to others, little do I know, its sneaking into their unconscious minds while they are sleeping and effecting their brains too whether or not I consider it. My sister, mother, aunt, inlaws, and husband watched every painstaking hour of labor (and half of them were there for the birth), never left my side, and knew what was coming. The birth of my sleeping son. I give props to them. That had to have been hard to watch and deal with. While I did not have time to dwell on Seth’s death while I was in labor because I was in so much pain, they were well aware, unmedicated and watching the whole ordeal unfold in true reality. No one slept, and if they did it was VERY little. I remember waking up in the middle of the night every few minutes with contractions and everyone was right there. Messy hair, droopy black eyes, tired and there. How traumatizing was it for them too. I am so thankful they were all there. I needed every single one of them. They were all a vital part of me getting through this all.

Every day I have sincere, dark, vivid flashbacks of that day. Everyday.

“Theres no heart beat”

“Mom, we’re going to the hospital”

“why did you wait so long”

gown, visitors, sprite, pandora.

“Next contraction push”

“Theres nothing to be scared of”

“Are you sure you’re ready for us to take him”

Its just haunting.

Mother nature is supposed to visit tomorrow. (I hope she dosnt for nine months to be honest). Im ready. I need to move on even though i dont want to.

We put an offer in on a house. I WANT IT. PLEASE JESUS GIVE IT TO US!!!! It hasnt been on the market that long so Im praying that they take our offer so we can just move on with this house thing. I dont want to look anymore, this house just seems perfect.

ok… seriously, gonna do my homework

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