1 year ago, and a valentines day to go

Today I visited Seth. I called the memorial place and they said they place the vase when they set the stone, the vase was just upside down in the stone so it wouldnt get stolen so I turned it over and put two roses in it. One from me, and one for Steven.

There are days like today where I’m angry. I feel like a failure as a wife and mom. I feel like I want to get away from everyone and everything, especially pregnant women. I just cant take it anymore.  I cant stand seeing real pregnant people or hearing about people being pregnant, especially people I dont like because they were mean to me in the past. Why do they get the chance and I dont. I just feel so distant and hopeless. Where did everything go, it seems like my whole castle crumbled down and now there is nothing in sight. Everything is in pieces and we arnt ready for a family but why- that makes me angry, I want to. I cant stand it, I just want them to go away. I want to get rid of my facebook because its infested with pregnant women but it has ALL of my pictures of everything including Seths things. My last computer crashed and I dont have anything from that computer and I dont want that to happen again and not have any back up.

Im just thinking so irrationally. Today at the grave site I was laying on the ground (in my scrubs again) and some lady came to put a balloon on the grave next to me and she left and I cried and cried. I thought for a slight second, Ill just dig the grave up and see Seth one more time and put the dirt back…. WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT? I just laid there while all these maintenance men came by, I dont care. It just makes me mad that people get to see their children every day, women become mommy like after having a baby, things change- BUT what about me? what about my life and my family?  Just give me something to believe in that this whole mess will be put back together and I will have a baby soon. I just want to finish school and have my baby. I have not felt a melt down like this for a while.

I think another problem is, We have now officially come full circle to one year of all my thoughts with Seth. Tomorrow on Valentines day, it will be 1 whole year since we conceived Seth . Yes, we made him last valentines day, we did. Valentines day will not be sweet this year, I will not enjoy it. We arnt even doing anything anyways. I just need to spend the night alone, in bed, half-asleep.

Goodnight, vacation could not come any sooner (next week)

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4 responses to “1 year ago, and a valentines day to go

  1. So sorry *hugs*
    I have, too, hated facebook. Maybe try online scrapbooking and your pictures will be there. And have back ups of pictures! I have probably five cd’s of my daughters pictures (one in my safe at work, one in my safe at home, all over my computer at home, and my computer at work, a cd in her box of stuff I brought home from the hospital). I am scared to death of losing her pictures!!!!!

  2. ((HUGS)) The only thing I can offer you Hollie are prayers and hugs. Your pain, I cannot imagine but I also know that you have a solid foundation !! You are built up on the rock! The rock of Jesus Christ. When you feel like crumbling you remember that you are weak BUT HE is STRONG! I know it’s not fair either I think that too when I see others with babies, oh Lord why??? He may not want us to ask why or dwell on the “others” but dwell on what is good and true and noble and what God has in store for you and Stephen. May HE give you comfort and strength that surpasses ALL understanding!

  3. Hugs for you Hollie xo

  4. Wow. I’m so sorry. I feel your pain, every single thing you wrote.

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