Monthly Archives: March 2012

This is for you

Ever since I have joined this unwanted sorority of lost moms, I have found that stillbirth and misscarraige is happening every day, more than any of us wants it to. I have been invited to forums, blogs, facebook pages, faces of loss pen pal program, and other online coping programs but the loss is so great. It seems like almost every day another woman is struck again. It is burdening, it is aching. I wish I could do something about it. I have been so blind to how many children will be in heaven. I just imagine a handful, but this heavenly nursery must be overflowing! It is a heavy feeling. It is sad. And to know that most of these women have gone through it once before this time, … is scary.

God have mercy. Us women, we are broken. We are tired. We are hoping for our children, excitedly waiting. so many of us have problems having children and yet I know many a 16 year olds who cant take care of a baby for their life that are having them… why?…

sometimes we don’t get an answer.

I hope in time, we can do something to better support each other. This is for you faces of loss, women of empty arms, mothers of the childrenless.

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Intolerance

Seth has changed us. I have become very intolerant of the ones that I love or now think of as, thought I loved. I cannot emotionally put up with the junk, I cannot mentally handle it. It has given me insomnia, and literal miserableness. I am at the end of my rope and I dont even know what Im supposed to do now but Im done with it. I have given up in my heart on people that meant to love me once and no longer are even trying to do so. I have given it all of the effort I could possibly give. Im tired. Wish I had someone to hold on to, cry with, and then just move on with for moral support. I cannot say it enough. Im miserable. Is it right to stay miserable when Ive tried everything possible, UGH.

Aside

On a dreary rainy day like this, six months ago, on a Sunday like this, I was 2 hours and 30 minutes away from meeting my baby. His name is Seth. He was 5 pounds exactly and 19 and a … Continue reading

Everything You’ve Heard

Things have been ok lately. Im just stressed as always. the usual. School, money, dumb arguments .. dumb things.

Im just so nervous all the time.

I have to sing this Sunday again, I am nervous of course but I have to tell myself I will do fine. It will be hard, Sunday is the 25th. 6 months since I last saw Seth. It was on a Sunday like this coming one, that I was becoming the other kind of mom. I hope I dont cry through the song and I hope I do it justice. The words are probably what I need to hear.

I went and saw Seth yesterday. I laid down on the ground and turned my phone up the loudest it could go and played him the song Im going to sing this week. When I was pregnant with him I would put my phone on my belly and play hymns and he loved it, he would kick and roll, it was my favorite memory.

please listen to this.

Its another hard week. My eyes are dark and heavy and I’m tired.

The weekend is almost here.

Word is in

Wow so much is going on but I thought I would get you an update on everything.

I went back to the Doctor. He said the ultrasound definitely showed hyperplasia no doubt but when he looked at the MRA that I had a week after the ultrasound it was gone! YAY for miracles! It’s times like these where I see real miracles happen that I feel guilty for not believeing and not praying hard enough during my pregnancy and at the end of my pregnancy. I feel guilty for not believing that Seth could have been alive in that final ultrasound that confirmed everything…. (back on track now)… So, I have a birth defect lol. Instead of having a a renal artery that goes to both kidneys, I have 3, 2 to my right and 1 to my left. But its not a bad thing, just a funny thing. My liver is not functioning up to par but the doctor said its not bad enough to worry about as long as I stay away from any alcohol and tylenol. He said I just have regular hypertension and it must be from anxiety so I must have cardio exercise for an hour a day and see a doctor regularly for my medicine. Woot, Im all cleared from specialist visits and he said when Im ready to have a baby my body is ready. He said that my hypertension could have been a factor to Seth’s stillbirth but we will never know. Before we have a planned pregnancy Im going to see an OB to see if I should be on any asprin or blood thinners or whatever.

My ear is KILLING me… I have an ear infection and I havnt been able to hear out of my ear for almost two weeks now but I cant even hear my alarm go off in the morning so Im nervous about waking up for work because…. Steven is going back to work.

That’s right. Season is back in full swing. Spring and Summer is THEIR time. Its that time of year when the men leave at 2 AM Sunday morning and come back late Friday night and work all weekend on getting ready for the next week… Its hard cause last year I was pregnant all summer and super emotional. I have anxiety thinking about it and Im sad because it reminds me of being pregnant last year. Ugh… He’s gonna be gone all the time working :'(. He works on right of ways spraying herbicide, planting, pressure washing, laying sod… you name it, they do it. He works all over the state so they stay in hotels for weeks at a time.I hate being alone its boring and sad…. we have so much to get down before we can move and :(, we are just gonna have to wait till Im done with school to have another baby, that may be September of 2014 – >:O  UGHHHH…

Im tired… I have a billion hats that I need to crochet.

I’m almost done with this stupid American Literature class and then I’m on to physics. Not only am I nervous about doing a whole physics class in a month but Im worried cause it will be my first “in-class” class .

Ugh, Im itching again tonight…

good night.

Car wash

“we’ll be all ready to have a baby in 5 years”… whatever. Go ahead everyone else, dont stop your plans of having babies for me, I can deal with it… oh, I forgot the world dosnt stop turning just because we can’t have a baby right now.

Today I looked in the backseat of the car on the way home from the car wash and cried because for some reason all I could see was a car seat, I looked again and of course there was none.

Just rambling

Sometimes, even as an adult, I feel like an orphan. I feel like I have no where to go and no where to call home. I dont have any place to run to when I just need to get away and be around things that make me happy.

I just need some space lately. Ive been thinking a lot about the next few months. The 25th of this month will be 6 months since Seth has been gone. April is Steven and I’s two year (wedding) anniversary (been together 5 years). This has been the hardest year of my life and hopefully the hardest (only one) year. May is Mothers day. I am not happy and I will not be. May last year everyone told me happy mothers day and took me out to eat and bought me presents and this year… This year I am not going to church cause I do not want to see anyone. I do not want to do anything for mothers day and as selfish as it is I do not want to celebrate it for anyone because I want to be alone instead of crying my eyes out in Red Lobster.

I wish I could do better. I wish I could give more to my sister and have my own place that she could live with us at. I wish I had a baby. I wish these next few months would fly. I thought Christmas would be hard. I think Mothers day will be the hardest day of my life.

I think I cried so hard at church the other day when brother Larry played a song for Mrs. Glenda because Mrs. Glenda was a mother hen to everyone but she was special to me. She did almost EVERYTHING for my wedding day, she planned my baby shower… When I see Mrs. Glenda’s picture, I see Seth, they only died a month apart and sometimes, Maybe, I think, Mrs. Glenda went to heaven first so that she could get things ready for Seth. It’s like she knew. It’s like Seth was being waited on up there. I feel selfish because it is not fair….

Its been a hard few days. I dont sleep anymore, maybe I get like three hours a night. I dont think Ill ever be a normal person again.

tonight is the crocheting group and tomorrow I have off work. hopefully I can relax and do something I enjoy

The days do not get ANY easier, you just become more able to tolerate your emotions.