Just rambling

Sometimes, even as an adult, I feel like an orphan. I feel like I have no where to go and no where to call home. I dont have any place to run to when I just need to get away and be around things that make me happy.

I just need some space lately. Ive been thinking a lot about the next few months. The 25th of this month will be 6 months since Seth has been gone. April is Steven and I’s two year (wedding) anniversary (been together 5 years). This has been the hardest year of my life and hopefully the hardest (only one) year. May is Mothers day. I am not happy and I will not be. May last year everyone told me happy mothers day and took me out to eat and bought me presents and this year… This year I am not going to church cause I do not want to see anyone. I do not want to do anything for mothers day and as selfish as it is I do not want to celebrate it for anyone because I want to be alone instead of crying my eyes out in Red Lobster.

I wish I could do better. I wish I could give more to my sister and have my own place that she could live with us at. I wish I had a baby. I wish these next few months would fly. I thought Christmas would be hard. I think Mothers day will be the hardest day of my life.

I think I cried so hard at church the other day when brother Larry played a song for Mrs. Glenda because Mrs. Glenda was a mother hen to everyone but she was special to me. She did almost EVERYTHING for my wedding day, she planned my baby shower… When I see Mrs. Glenda’s picture, I see Seth, they only died a month apart and sometimes, Maybe, I think, Mrs. Glenda went to heaven first so that she could get things ready for Seth. It’s like she knew. It’s like Seth was being waited on up there. I feel selfish because it is not fair….

Its been a hard few days. I dont sleep anymore, maybe I get like three hours a night. I dont think Ill ever be a normal person again.

tonight is the crocheting group and tomorrow I have off work. hopefully I can relax and do something I enjoy

The days do not get ANY easier, you just become more able to tolerate your emotions.


4 responses to “Just rambling

  1. tinystepsbigjourney

    You are strong, it doesn’t seem that way. But I believe you are, I don’t even know you. But just reading your words, I know you are..

  2. Your are allowed to spend mother’s day the way you want to.Don’t feel bad or that your being selfish because you hurt.
    This is a grieving time for you and for us mum’s who lost our little sweethearts.It is one of the days that really pulls at our hearts.

  3. Hollie, I continue to pray for you, your husband, and your family. May God continue to help lead you through healing, may God fill you with strength and courage, may God draw you nearer into His embrace and deeper into relationship, may God reveal to you that He is in fact that place you can go.

    Hollie, I know how difficult certain parts of the holidays can be for those of us who have lost loved ones. When I was younger and my adoptive parents were alive and well, many of their older biological children and grandchildren as well as my three adopted siblings all used to be much closer and get together far more often and for longer periods of time. And my mom and my dad used to make the holidays so special for the big family that we would have gather around…cooking out in the park and having a big family picnic on the Fourth of July leading up to shooting off fireworks at night, spending Thanksgiving morning watching Macey’s Parade on television and preparing the turkey feast and then gathering around large tables and taking turns expressing our thanks for the blessings in the year and then playing games and watching holiday films that evening, spending the Christmas season going out Christmas shopping as a big family and driving around looking at snow and Christmas lights in Chicago, attending Christmas eve candelight services as a family, gathering around the tree on Christmas morning and unloading stockings hung by the fireplaces and unwrapping presents that had been stuffed under the tree, coloring Easter eggs and searching the house for hidden Easter baskets and getting dressed in bright colors to go as a big family to the Easter Sunday church services, and doing so much more as a family. Over time, my parents started getting ill and less able to physically participate in as many things. Most family members began to go off in their own directions with their own familial extensions for the holidays. Ultimately, I witnessed firsthand the death of my mom in 2005 and the death of my dad in 2009. Nowadays, those memories of the holidays are simply nostalgic bittersweet shadows imprisoning the mind of what used to be. Thankfully, my parents taught me along the way that the holidays had much deeper meaning than the festivities and activities in which we used to engage.

    Hollie, I want to assure you that you are not an orphan…but instead are the earthly daughter of a mother who loves you deeply, speaks very highly about you and your growth and your successes, fervently prays for you during our prayer time, wants to be there for you when you are going through hard times, and is someone who you could celebrate Mother’s Day with…and you are the spiritual daughter of a Father Whose love for you is unconditional, sacrificial, infinite, and eternal and Whose arms are always stretched out widely waiting to embrace you.

    Life is not without its challenges, its difficulties, its storms. I have faced my share in my life. You have faced your share in your life. And everyone else has faced their share in their life. But this life is not supposed to be easy….it is a journey through a wilderness on our way home, it is trial and tribulation to test our character, it is a learning experience and a growing experience. May we always remember that where we store our treasures, there our hearts shall be…and where our hearts are, stored there shall our treasures be. In heaven, I have the treasure of my parents waiting for me. In heaven, you have the treasure of your beloved baby waiting for you. And someday, we shall both make it there. But for the time being, let us live every day to the fullest.

    Hollie, you are a very strong young woman with a very strong spirit and a very strong will. You have accomplished much in your life and will undoubtedly accomplish much more. You are respected and admired. God be with you.

  4. Big hugs to you Hollie xo

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