On a day like this

On a dreary rainy day like this, six months ago, on a Sunday like this, I was 2 hours and 30 minutes away from meeting my baby. His name is Seth. He was 5 pounds exactly and 19 and a half inches long. He had beautiful brown hair and the most precious round eyes a mother could look into. He was an angel. He had already gone to be with Jesus. I could do nothing but stare. I could not cry. I could not move, I could barely hold him because I was so tired. I had been in labor since Saturday at this same time, no food, and a lot of pain medication that I finally succumbed to after I was completely emotionally drained and could not physically labor anymore.  The night was long, the room was quiet and very cold. We (family) looked like zombies. This was the most people i had seen in a delivery room at one time before. No one slept well and Steven never wanted to fall asleep. The baby was all this was about. He was there… and then he was gone…I would do it all again. Every day. All over. He was my son and I would have done anything… yes anything to save him. I always think to myself, I would be too scared to “take a bullet” for anyone. Scared was not an option, this was just an instinct, to save my baby. I would have done it. I would not have been scared.

I wonder what will he look like when we meet again. Is he growing? will he still be a baby? I still call him my baby. Will he run to me? will he shake my hand? will I hold him? Will he have the same features?

I will never have a son like him. One that changed my life. One that made me grow up. One that made me appreciate everything I have. And made me cry. Made me actually want a child. Made me a woman. Made me a mom.

His name was Seth, he was not a stillborn baby. He was my son. He was a human. He was a real baby with a real name with a real heart and real blood. He was a baby.

Steven and I went to the grave yesterday. It was the first time Steven has been there since the funeral. I somehow held it together when he literally yelled to the ground “Hows it goin up there little buddy?!” … The wind blew and his voice rang in the air… silence.

No parent should bury their child. No adult should bury their baby. He was perfect. There was nothing wrong with him genetically the doctors said… it just happened. The worst answer to get.

His name was Seth

I sing in church today. I feel like throwing up. Give me strength Lord. I dont want to be nervous anymore, Ive done this a million times and Im so drained from being this nervous.

 i will wait – and be still knowing you’re in control restlessness – leave this heart this heart that’s held strong in it’s weakness fearless father, you come to my rescue you are my fortress you are my friend God you are God, even when i don’t feel you God you are God even when i don’t see you i will worship, i will worship. God you are God, when i feel like i’m falling God you are God, beyond my understanding, i will worship, i will worship you. now the night becomes day, i soar above it all. restfulness floods my heart, my heart is stronger, my faith is strengthened.