Summertime

Ive been doing fine… but today Im angry. Maybe thats apart of being a woman. I do not want to go to Easter Sunday service. How selfish does that sound? My Jesus died a cruel and inhumane death and I dont want to go thank him this Sunday all because the little kids will be running around in their cute Easter outfits. I dont want to go to lunch after church. I dont want to spend money cause gas is $4 a gallon. I dont want to not exercise but Im cramping and miserable. I dont want to get on facebook because of all the babies/baby name/ baby gender talk. I dont want to be home because Im tired of cleaning, of arguing, of being stressed out. I want to get my own studio where I can go and lay down and sleep and be alone when I want to just be by myself. Im tired of being the one to do everything, clean everything, work for everything, and its not enough still.  Is it too ridiculous to be mad that a $100 bowl that cooks things, my husband is putting dogfood in UGHHH, I want to scream.

Im beyond stressed out. Im so sick of these summer months already and its only spring. UGH, this is soooooo much harder than christmas and thanksgiving. Those were one day. These hot warm months are MONTHS of the same thing I experienced last year. All of the smells, memories, heat. All of the people that have had babies and MORE are pregnant now since last year this time. Im so sick of it. Im sick of people asking me EVERY Sunday when were gonna have a baby. EVERY WEEK.

Im promising myself this week that I am going to get rid of my facebook after I save all of my pictures to photobucket or somewhere where they will be safe. I cant stand to look at peoples kids anymore. Im not trying to be mean but nothing is getting easier. Its getting 10 times harder everyday. Every day passing knowing that Im no where close to meeting my next child. I dont have that goal to look forward to like most middle-aged adults. That is the downside to being young. When Im healthy and want kids, my partner is not ready of course.

So if your reading this from facebook and have any of the slightest desire to read this in the future, follow the blog itself before I get rid of facebook.

—–“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.” —–
– George Martin

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5 responses to “Summertime

  1. One thing I learned Hollie from my own issues is its ok to be mad, even when others think you shouldn’t. They in no way understand. But its ok….And it’s ok to be mad at god. God does understand, and wants you to give your troubles to him. When it all comes down to, it’s you being comfortable with you. I know it would help for you to have children right away, Stephen is probly scared of the same thing happening again. Guys grieve differently and usually hold it all in cause as boys we’re taught not to tap into our emotions. I pray that you and Stephen find the strength to talk through this and not fight over it. Cause fighting just eats the pain little by little and causes you to dwell on the little issues when it’s the bigger problem that really needs to be addressed. It’s painfully to see the torment you go though. I wish I knew all the answers, cause I don’t wanna see my Family members to suffer. I love you, and hope things get better.

    Your cousin, Jeremy

  2. nicole roussel

    Hollie, I’m crying for you as I read this post. I have never lost a child but I have lost someone I love. My first love. My highschool sweetheart. I was so young and it was crippling losing him tragically the way I did. For the longest time I hated my friends who were marrying their highschool sweethearts while I was mourning the loss of mine. I understand your pain, however yours is more “in your face” because of facebook. There was no facebook in the early 90’s. I can tell you that expressing your feelings is healthy for your grieving. There are stages to grief. Anger is one of the hardest to get past. Acceptance will come in time. I will also say that in time (a long time) you will see why God has put you through this. It took about 12 years for me to realize why God took him and what He wanted me to do with that pain. I will pray for you specifically. Thank you for having such a humble heart. So many people hide their feelings and put on a front for the whole world to see that their “invisible”. If more women were honest like you, we would have less pain in this world. I love you.

  3. nicole roussel

    I meant “invincible”

  4. Megan Yother

    I don’t know what’s going thru these peoples minds, but that is INCREDIBLY rude to ask when you’re going to have another baby every week! Like what makes them think it is any of their business first of all? And for two, I personally would be scared of getting punched in the face. Can people not see that you’re still grieving hard and that they probably shouldn’t mention anything about kids to you? I don’t understand it. Anyways, I too wish I could be alone in a studio somewhere. Ahhh, that would be the life. Lol. Anyways, I’ll miss you on facebook. But I understand how you feel (partially). Cuz I too wanna have a baby. But I know Im not ready, plus I have no one to have it with. Lol. It is very discouraging to see all these people from high school getting engaged, married, and having babies, as well as getting good jobs. & here I am with none of that. But my time will come, as will yours. I just hope things get better for you in the meantime. I love ya girl! & I can’t wait to see you! Hopefully sooooooon!

  5. wileysmommy

    I know Exactly how you feel. Lost my baby boy almost 2 months ago. Being at church yesterday was hard, seeing all Facebook pictures was hard. People just have no clue. I need to get rid of Facebook too, I don’t know why I do that to myself. I’m very sorry you lost your precious Seth. I’m thinking about you.

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