Giving him away

I read a woman’s stillbirth blog about how she spent time with her son after he was born. It made me wonder… did I not love Seth any more because I didnt not spend that much time with him before they took him away. I didnt ask for more time, I didnt stay that long. Within 5 hours of giving birth I left the hospital and maybe maximum one of those hours I had Seth in my arms.

I loved Seth, more than I have ever loved anyone else. I think God gave me Seth to show me what His love is like because I never understood a parents love, let alone, love THAT amazing and strong. I loved him but right away when he was born I just knew it. It’s like I’ve heard pastor say when Mrs.Glenda passed away by his side. “She was just the house that the spirit was living in and her look completely changed when she took her last breath”. Seth looked different. He did not look like a human because he was not. He was a shell that a spirit was housed in. He was the shell that I was just holding, while his being was not there. He did not have an expression, there was no connection when I looked in his eyes. Of course I got no response of his love for his mother because he was not there. Like a snail, his shell was in my arms, and his little snail body was sitting up in heaven.

I have to come to terms with myself that it was ok to not spend a whole day with Seth before I left because he was not in my arms, as much as I wanted him to be. Seth was beautiful and I will never regret having that baby boy change my life, but I need to remember that His real personality, traits, and beauty was first seen by God. He never had to take a breath into this crazy world.

When Seth took his first breath, he was sitting in Jesus’ arms, already enjoying the benefits of a perfect life. Some people wait a lifetime to get that chance and Seth just took it while it was early.

To my baby, you opened my eyes.

I never felt what God could be, till you opened my eyes to the vastness that this world is more than me and God is bigger than this world. I understood because for the first time in my adult life I stared death in the face and I got it. I felt it. I felt death. I felt its taste and knew what it was. It is the separation of body and soul, and that is it. You can see it in their eyes. in their face, in their limp body. I got it. I experienced its grip first hand through my son. It was like I felt it altogether. because Seth IS a piece of me and I felt him go to heaven. It is a feeling like no other, and although it did not feel good to physically lose my baby, I am greatful that God opened my eyes to the realness. There is no way that there is no God. When you see Him and feel Him through something this big, there is no way it could all be a made up story. God seems more real and seriously in my face more today than any other time.

Im not here to preach and I have always believed in God but in a weird way I want to remind myself of how I felt right at that moment when I said goodbye to him. It wasnt my last, I will see him again.

I think God will gift Rainbow with a compassionate heart and when the time is right he/she will learn of Seth and Im sure, be sad, but greatful that we have a chance to see him again.

Advertisements

2 responses to “Giving him away

  1. Beautifully said Hollie xo

  2. I spent a lot of time with Skyler. I did not with Tabi. With Tabi, I only had her a few hours. I took pictures and savored the time I had, but I sent her away much sooner than I had with Skyler. I don’t regret my decisions – either of them. With Skyler, I knew that was all the time I would have with her “shell”. I wasn’t ready to let go so I did not. I held on as long as I could – until they discharged ME from the hospital, and I was forced to hand her over. With Tabi, I was horrified of her staying in the morgue. We already knew which funeral home we were using, and I wanted her “home” asap. Not long after she was born, we called the funeral home. I held her for a while later, but I spent a lot of time in the hospital AFTER letting her go. That was my choice so she could be cremated the following day and hurry up and come home.

    Whatever choice was made, you can’t change it now. Be satisfied with the time you took with him, whether it was a small bit of quality time or a lot of quantity.

    **hugs**
    Stay safe, Rainbow.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s