September is drawing near, VERY fast. So much is happening. I have been so anxious of course, you all know that, that is me.
September used to be one of my favorite months. Its the coming of fall (although in Florida its just another HOT month). Its my birthday. (this year is my 21st birthday- Im OFFICIALLY a big girl?!!!?!!!). But this year… It is my son’s first birthday. I want to think of it as a happy day but every time I look at the 25th on the calendar (exactly, to the day, 3 weeks past my birthday), I cry. How in the world has it been a year since I saw my son?
I told Steven last night, … I think I might take a couple days off around the 25th so Im not emotional at work. He dosnt understand. He said, “why are you sad, you have a new baby on the way?”…. Really? Really?….. I just really miss him. I knew it wouldnt but in my head I thought, this baby has to make up a little bit for Seth passing away…. it does not. Its just harder.
I think more often about being a young mom. This is what I wanted. I went to specialists to try and plan a healthy pregnancy, I begged my husband to start trying again. And now… well, Im scared. I still have to finish school, get a home, its nerve wracking living pay check to pay check, being the one to carry the full time regular paycheck, and I wanted a child? God will grant me the sanity and strength because he obviously meant for it to happen. I have to remember that there were 7 long months in between Seth and this baby in which I really expected to be pregnant and when April came I had no expectation at all. I dont even remember doing anything to make a baby to be honest lol.
I want a full term healthy baby. It will happen. I cant believe that I will be coming home with a baby In January and I will have a baby to put in the crib and show off, teach, take care of, love on, spoil.
I have been thinking about telling my mom how much I appreciate her since I had Seth last year. Im not a mushy person, I hate crying in front of people but I never said a real thank you to my mom.
I never could have imagined how much a child means to their mother till I had Seth. I remember all of those angsty teen nights in which I was so angry at you for taking things away from me, being upset that I was moving out, getting married, moving on. I took the last years of my childhood away from you and I am sorry. I cannot believe all of the grief that I gave you and I never understood, I never knew that you could love anyone more than any other person or thing in the world. A child produces a very special kind of love, a love that literally hurts, its overwhelming how much you need them when you think its all about them depending on you.
Thank you for putting up with me. For letting me go with less grief than what Im sure I will give my child. I now see how hard it is to let them go. I see how hard it is to let them grow up and be an adult. I cant imagine my baby being an adult, on the same level as me, making their own decisions and seeing them less. Going from living with them every day to letting go every day. Less calls, less visits…. it’s not something I want to think about. Thank you mom for giving up your life to raise us. Thanks for giving it your all, providing everything, and giving us everything we ever wanted. It is amazing that you gave up so much to give us so much. I can never express my full appreciation now that I have become a mom.
You are strong, beautiful, and can do anything. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.
-Stay safe rainbow.