Monthly Archives: September 2012

Drawing near

More and more I find myself thinking about this baby in me. I see others post on facebook about their children, and I think about motherhood. I do not want to be a selfish mom. Of course I should not let myself go but I do not want to have the best of the best while my child is mediocre. I will not complain about my child or their health because I know what it is like to not have them here. I will not use them as an excuse to miss out on things or leave work or leave an activity. There will be times of course but I have a good feeling that God will give Brea a great temperament, He knows what I can handle. I will promise to not make people feel sorry for me when Brea’s not doing how I want her to do- because I will love her unconditionally with all of my heart, forever, and again, I know what it would be like if she was not here to do that.

It’s hard to say I wont shove Brea in people’s faces lol, Im going to be so excited. as the time gets closer every day I think about the joy of delivery and seeing her. I just cant think of living without her. This baby will be my baby. Steven and I made her, she came from me, and she will be taken care of by us… that is so crazy. She will always be around for the next 18 years and I will be responsible for leading her through life. What a gift! I wish times were super stable and I was finished with school because this baby brings to the table, feelings of family. Both my husband and I want a lot of kids because he has almost no family (no living siblings either) and besides all my aunts, uncles, and cousins, I have just my mom and sister. (although I cant imagine living without aunts, uncles, and cousins. We want to have a family for our kids to fall back on, siblings who will be each others best friends…. I just have to remember that school is not that far away from being over. I only have 16 months from May 2013 till im finished, which will be here before you know it once Brea is born.

I have another ultrasound on Tuesday and I cannot wait!!! and then Oct.25th I have my 4d Ultrasound YAY! October is already here and it is so exciting. That means if I happen to go into labor around 38 weeks, it will be the week of Christmas and that is only 2 months away from October! Oh my goodness! lol. Im praying for a last week of December baby because it will make nerves, money, and everything else under the sun easier. ❤ Heres to a happy healthy baby.

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Happy first birthday; to the man of my life

365 days. 1 year has flown by since Seth was born. He would have been 1 year old today.

I have A LOT of anxiety today. I woke up at 2am and had super bad heartburn and could not sleep, I sat up in  bed till about 4 for reliefe. I have been super super super paranoid about baby brea moving, I have not felt a strong crazy moving from her since a few days ago (even with a coke in hand). after much praying she barely kicked this morning and it was enough to relieve my hyperventilating anxiety.  she moves but not a lot. Im going to talk to the doctor next week about it.

Sunday went better than I expected. Probably because no one noticed that Seths birthday was coming up and of course no one remembers that he was born on a Sunday except for our family. No one mentioned him. I wanted people to at least remember him, but I did not want to be asked about him.

Seth, you are my first child, my first son, and the first time I was ever given the opportunity to love someone SO much that I almost jumped out of my skin. I never knew how much love could be felt just by having a child. It is unspeakable. It is amazing. I cry because I miss you, because I wish I could have stopped it, because I miss the dreams I had for you, and because I see everyone else with their almost 1 year olds and just want to fall apart. You have consumed my life and thoughts and have dictated this pregnancy. Everything I do, I think of how different it would be if you were here. I have nothing planned for your first birthday but I wish I did. I wish it was grand. (sounds crazy but I wanted to take a cruise to be away so I could make this day happy for you, but Im too far along to climb aboard according to the lines). I hope it is a beautiful day in heaven. I hope the angels are singing and you get a break from your homework 🙂 and all the 1 year olds come over to your nursery so you can all play harder than you have ever before. Grandpa Strait and great grandpa strait can visit you and tell you sweet stories about mommy. I can hear them laughing now. Its such a beautiful sound.

I heard the pastor preach on heaven and hell this week at church and he said all the things I ever wanted to say in the most perfect way. Why do I believe in heaven? 1. because my mommy told me so. Mom and dad taught me everything there was to know in the bible that spoke of heaven because I wanted to know. i remember at 4 asking momma and dad every question I could think of and they both sat down with me and like a grown up told me the straight up truth. 2. because my heart tells me so. Part of me died the day you did Seth and I felt the tug of heaven. I felt it in my grasp. I felt you leave my arms and go rest in Jesus’. I have felt this way about my own daddy after he died but you led me up to the gates and went on without me, like the big boy you are. I feel it in my heart. 3. My savior tells me so.  “In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you” john 14:2. I believe that what God says is true. He would not have lied just for fun. In fact, you cannot catch Jesus in a lie ANYWHERE in the Bible, so why would he start with what he says here?

I miss everything about you. You felt so perfect in my arms. You were warm and chunky and so beautiful. You were a baby in my arms. I was a mom holding her son.

Dont forget me. One day we will meet, I wonder how old you will be then. Daddy and I miss you. I remember how family like it was 365 days ago. How close we drew together to plan your funeral. You were the closest thing we had to having everything.

I will never forget you. I cant believe it has been a year. You are precious.

 

The year that has brought me here

Today is Sunday. September 23, 2012.

These next few days are going to be rough ones.

Seth was born on September 25th, 2011 (this year it falls on Tuesday) on a gloomy Sunday morning like today.

I have been avoiding writing- in fear of history repeating itself, in fear of remembering what I felt that day, in fear of facing the truth that my son would have been 1 whole year old. 1 year.

I remember that morning. I woke up around 7 when the nurses shift changed (I was happy, I loved my day nurse). I had been contracting for 16 hours. Around 8 or 9am my water broke and my father in law had left for church while my sister, mother, mother in law, and husband, sat around me with saggy black eyes. we just sat their quiet ALL morning. While those at church were praying for a speedy delivery, I did just that, delivered my baby boy with no problems at 11:30.

Wow it has been a year. what do babies do at 1 year old? What would he have looked like? In the year I think I have hardened my heart to some bitterness because time grows further away from that moment when I met Seth. I notice that I am not so angry at pregnant women but I have less tolerance. I am more aggravated by people who talk about their children.

Life will not be normal. Brea will not bring Seth back. I miss him so dearly. All I can do is really be strong. I cant do anything else as these next few days come. They will drag but fly. Im tired. I dont want to cry today but I have been so emotional. I chalk it up to being very pregnant.

There will be flowers at church today for Seth’s birthday. Will people notice? does anyone care? Today is just as important to me as it was a year ago. Its all about my baby boy. I dont want people to forget. His birthday is much more important than mine.

Im going to listen to the heart monitor and get in the shower. (the baby has been really quiet this morning).

Another week down

Ok… so I have been struggling the last few days. People are having their baby’s around here and I know that I have plenty of time left but its making me so nervous. For some reason in the past 48 hours I can just close my eyes and smell the hospital room, feel the gown that I was wearing, and see myself breathing. I told Steven last night, I love Brea (I think this is what we are going with for her name) but it does not fill the void of having a son. Nothing will fill that void but I feel like a boy would make me so happy. Brea will make me happy… Im just still mourning Seth.

I thought maybe I was having a UTI so I called the doctor. We discussed my (VERY mild and intermittent) symptoms and I discussed how terrified I am to take any medication because during the last pregnancy I had a yeast infection for the ENTIRE pregnancy and finally the birthing center gave me a pill to take, they said it would start working in 24 hours. That day that I took the pill was the last time I felt Seth move. The nurse on the phone said “Oh honey, that pill is never recommended for pregnancy, I dont know why they gave that to you, we would never give you anything that would harm the baby. (she then prescribed an antibiotic that Im not going to take because I think its just my pregnancy and no infection).

My heart sunk. I feel so guilty now. I feel so angry. Almost a year after my son was born, I find out that this could have been the reason for his death. I put my trust in these women I was seeing, this birth center completely tried to make me feel like I had power, like I could make decisions, Yet they could not make a good decision for me. I want the whole place to shut down. I was told that other people have heard horror stories of babies dying from the center but yet I had never been able to find any facts that coincided with those statements… I cannot  believe it. There is nothing I can do now and the birth center will still continue to treat women….. Wow. Talk about guilt and paranoia. Now I REALLY dont want to take any meds (and I always get a lot of infections during pregnancy). Im just aggravated.

I hope this week goes fast. I need this pregnancy to hurry up so I can see this baby, Im tired of being scared and anxious and crying every day… always wondering if today is the last day that I will know you.

21st birthday

Ive been busy lately, its nice cause it makes time go by faster.

My 21st birthday was this week on Tuesday. It was great. My husband took the day off and just drove me around and stopped wherever I pointed lol. We stopped at Seth’s grave and talked for a little while.  Then we went to dinner at a steakhouse and it was WONDERFUL. I had a great time. The girls at work got me a cake too yesterday :).

Ive been thinking about a lot lately….

having our own home with some room,

starting school (I cant wait to wear those scrubs and get to ultrasounding!!!!!)

shaving my legs is like being blind and holding your breath while playing a sport… IMPOSSIBLE

Seth’s 1 year birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. I cant believe a year ago we had the worst day of our lives. It was amazing to meet my son and tragic under the circumstances. I never thought a year after saying goodbye to my son, I would be half way through another pregnancy with a baby girl on the way. I never thought we would be where we are. Seth made us special people. I miss him so much. It hurts.

It will be harder later this month. I just cant believe it has been a year, it has gone by so fast. It was like I held him yesterday!