Monthly Archives: December 2012

Christmas 38 weeks

I haven’t been keeping up very well with the blog but you know how the holidays are. This is the best time of the year. I LOVE Christmas. On Christmas eve we spent some time with my family and on Christmas I went to my husband’s family’s house. I have been sick and am SLOWLY getting better so I unfortunately didnt get to run out to our hometown to see my dad’s family this year. We didnt really do gifts but I have to say- this was the BEST Christmas we’ve had. I realized how much my family means to me and how special Christmas really is. I am lucky that I have real blood family that gets along and loves me and I love them. I am so thankful for our home, our car, our abundance of food, our children.

There is nothing better than everyone smiling at Christmas and waiting for your baby to come. This has just been so amazing this year. I could not be happier (except when Brea finally gets here lol). I CANT WAIT! speaking of baby talk, I have not been able to sleep due to insomnia, being sick, and HEARTBURN so I have been sitting on the couch up all night every night for like 2 weeks and I was having extreme exhaustion yesterday so it was sooooo nice to not have heartburn for once last night so I could sleep in the bed (all night!!!). The only thing though I had to do to prevent that from happening was to not eat or drink after 3 pm= that sucks cause ussually I am SOOOO thirsty and want a snack before bed but I had to sleep!

Our little girl has become the center of our thoughts all of the time. Yesterday after we came home from Christmas dinner Steven and I just plopped on the bed in exhaustion and sat and talked. We kept verbalizing how crazy it is that this is our last Christmas as a family of just us 2. We will now have a baby for (at least) 18 years to follow us around. It was so quiet and peaceful and I sat there and cried a little as I told Steven that I will totally miss our time together and I hope that doesn’t change. He is too good to me to let me even think that our relationship would get pooed on. This child has restored our relationship from a year ago and she does not realize the importance she brings to our life. She is our life already. We have made changes to all kinds of things and shes not even here yet.

Of course with the holidays I still think of Seth. He would have been 15 months exactly on Christmas. Wow… My son would have been 15 months! That cute, long, lanky, chubby cheeked baby.  I cannot imagine what he would have looked like. Kind of like my dad, I will always remember him at the age that he left us, same with Seth. One day I hope Brea is not saddened but understands just how important he is to our family. I pray that God blesses us financially to support many children. I want to bring happiness, education, and love to as many little ones as we are blessed with. This world needs more of that.

We cannot wait for Brea. I hope others understand that when she is born and I am hospitalized I would like time to quietly labor with only my husband, parents, and sister visiting. I do not want phone calls, visitors, or anything until I am ready. This will be an emotional time for us. A scary one, right up till she is crying in my arms I will not be calmed. If I want you there, I will call you.  My nerves are crawling with excitement, hopefully very very soon!

38 weeks


Monsters reap what they sow

So this week I’ve made it to 37 weeks! My specialist still wants me to deliver at 38 weeks and my OB is not flying with that, he wants 40 so I just wish the baby would get out, the fighting over when she gets here stresses me out.

Meanwhile I am an anxious person anyways. Trying to work out bills, doctors visits, cleaning… you know, for an anxiety ridden person its all stressful in itself. but… I have been most concerned with others’ burdens. I have been told plenty of times that I have my own life to take care of but I cannot leave people to be miserable though if I love them. Its just in my tender heart to get them out of their mess. Especially when your family is so huge and you feel this way way to often- it’s sad.

I am thankful that I have a husband who’s heart is full of love, kindness, and help. He would do anything for anyone and I have found that out in the last year. I dont know how I could have ever missed seeing that in him (not that I have but glad that I have recognized it more and thanked him for it). Maybe he spoiled me too much because I think everyone’s relationship should be our way and I get upset when someone has anything less.

You know when you love someone sooooo sooo much that it literally hurts. It really really hurts when you love them that much and their quality of life is that of a caged dog- with a monster owner who is two faced with multiple personalities, who decides when they get to eat, when they get toiletries, when they are allowed out, when they can talk to their family (on monitored conversations), the verbal bullying, the constant putting down of you, the bare bare essentials are barely provided, the precious self worth/esteem and emotional health you had being stomped on…. no one should live like that.

I want to tell you- If you have a monster in your house like that, no matter how much they sweet talk, no matter how 2 faced they are, no matter how far they have gotten by by lying about the way they treat you- THEY WILL BE FOUND OUT BY MAN AND GOD. You reap what you sow.  When the ones that love this person are up ALL night wondering if this person is going to make it through the night, that monster will reap what they sow. When a loved one is crying because of the lost relationship they are experiencing because someone else has been convinced that their life will go no where without this monster, that monster will reap what they sow. 

To anyone and everyone that has been mistreated, let that monster know today that the truth is out…

People know who you are. I cant wait till you’re finally confronted one day.  Nothing you do is going to fix it because by nature of habit you will continually do what you do,family won’t forgive you for ruining their lives and emotional state of fear. Unless God changes both of our hearts you will never be anything more than what you have proven yourself to me as.

I want so bad to make this monster go away

to keep the one you love, make them stay.

Instead they choose the monster’s way,

because he knows how to manipulate.

He’ll fix today’s problem to try and win us back,

tomorrow He will be saying things that would make my heart burn- for a fact.

That monster will forever be in our lives and mind,

It’s scary how one animal, one day, can kill everything you had designed.

Christmas is exactly one week away and all I want is a healthy family with a healthy baby and for all of those people out there who are being lied to, to find the truth. That’s it.

Christmas is about Jesus. We usually do a tree and all but it just did not happen this year. There are more important things than a tree and presents this year.

Ready to meet Brea and try to forget about crazy people in this world. Be strong, be courageous, take a step out of the ordinary and take a chance on scary life without someone who has made all your plans for you. It is not my duty to bring them to justice if no one wants to do it, so instead I’ll let it happen the just way- they can reap what they sow.

On a happy note- I will see my precious baby in anywhere from 1-3 weeks and all I want to do is fill her precious head with positive affirmations of our love for her, nothing will stop me from making good things happen for her. Her dad is beyond excited and every day he gets a little more anxious.

Thats right, 35 weeks tomorrow

And another week down- BOOYAAH! So I am happy about the pregnancy, everything is going just fine. Im not happy about work and my doctors not being on the same page. On Oct. 29th I went to my specialist and they told me that I needed to go on medical leave (my OB wrote nothing in his notes about this) to secure a safe ending to this pregnancy with my hypertension and all… so Oct. 30th was my first day of leave at home. Since then I have been fighting with doctors offices to get my records, fighting disability (that I pay for from my paychecks!!!!), fighting the specialist for records, fighting for disability to actually send me things in the mail, and fighting to appeal the stupid denial that disability deemed “your bedrest was unneeded because you were feeling well at your last OB appointment”…. UGHHHHH , HELLOOOOOO. They dont get it. They dont get my stress, they dont get that I am 21 with NO INCOME and I certainly feel very burdened that my husband is trying to take on ALL of the bills himself. I have a baby coming and have drained all accounts that we have clear down to nothing because in the 5 and a half weeks that I have been off work, all parties have done nothing except for me calling around, chewing peoples heads off to get things moving. Even if I EVER get these medical records from my specialist and get my appeal letter mailed out, it could take 45 days to approve or deny the appeal and by then I will have had the baby and need to file a new claim for maternity leave. How frustrating is that, they take their time while people are barely living off of anything because it is not them and their finances and family that it is affecting. They never requested records from my specialist who actually put me on bedrest (how stupid). 

On another aggravated note, my specialist wants me to have the baby anywhere from a week to 2 weeks early (so do I) and my OB wants me to wait the full 40 weeks, he says that he will not induce. So the only way I will have any clue of when I will have this baby is if I start getting on the crazy lady labor inducing train and start some weirdo stuff to get this baby out after 37 weeks. 

Im assuming from here on out (well 36 weeks and on) they will pretty much start checking me at my weekly appointments? Ugh, gross, oww…. they have to do the strep b test tomorrow and lets just say, I DONT WANT TO! Im such a big baby, I dont want any checking or messing with or poking or prodding or anything going on down there… just saying. 

Aida has been throwing up and laying around a lot lately, Im sure she’s sick and I hope she feels better soon, along with me, Im still fighting this sore throat, stuffy/runny nose, and cough. I want it GONE before the baby gets here. 

alright, enough of my ranting about stupid insurance companies and doctors offices. I must go call the doctors office now and complain again that I still have not received the records I need so I know if I should continue to wait at the fax machine for them and at my computer to finish the appeal letter for maternal disability. Wish me luck…. 

Only a few more weeks little one, we can do it… we can do it.