Today I was having a rough day. It is easy to get very overwhelmed and burdened by the things of this world. It is easy to forget that I need to let small things make me happy. Driving in the car is when I have enough time to myself to think about everything. It is the most dangerous time of the day for my emotions. All I could think about today was my dear momma. I just want her to feel better and there is no other way for me to express how bad I want that then to just try and fix everything, which I can’t. But God can. God is bigger than all of this and He will show himself.
I started to have a pity party. Why would God take my dad, why would He take my son- my baby, why would He allow cancer to exist and why would He not stop one of His faithful, my momma, to be exempt from it. Why do other 21 year olds not have these problems. Sometimes it’s hard to walk around in this world, go to class and work, and not have anyone to talk to about it. It is easy to feel like I am the only one going through this. What is harder is to know that actually my life right now is going good when someone else out there is sick, or hungry, or homeless. I just feel so torn. I guess I am the type that I want to know why. Why God did you pick this for us? Why do these naive young girls not have a clue what life is really about. Why are there cliques, why is there pain.
I think it is important to remember that God has a will for us. A plan for us. Not to hurt us, but for us to be prosperous and happy. He wants me to need Him… I do. I need him. I just need reminded. You have my attention father. Im awake. Fill me up and give me the power to speak your power into others.
I love Brea but I really do miss Seth with all of my heart and it is hard to think about living without the people that I love, but he has us here for a reason. He’ll reveal that to me later.
I am doing really well in ultrasound school (well at least the bookwork, lol, I need some more scanning practice). It is the best thing I have done for myself. So exciting.
Brea will be 20 weeks old… 4.5 months old on Friday. She has a small cold so she has been a little sick I feel bad for her but hopefully she starts feeling better soon.
I am really grateful for all that I have been blessed with and I just want to end with that. I will never forget all of the blessings that I have received.
I know it has been so long but I have just been so so busy.
I’m exhausted. I’ve cried every day this week because from 5 in the morning to 10 at night it is all about the baby all of the time. She sleeps good and shes a good baby but she eats ALL the time and poops all the time and needs attention all the time… I know, its what I expected and I am so thankful and I said that I would never complain but sometimes I need some help.
It’s a little too much to ask for 1 day to myself ( or not even to myself, just for 1 day with some help). Now I will be starting school and be in school ALL day and practicing scanning (sonography) after school. Between weekends and Monday I work about 33 hours. When I come home I have to feed and bathe the baby and put her to bed and then Im ready for bed, only God knows how I will be able to study to pass this program.
It would not be so bad if I had help. Im not going to make this a bashing thing but let’s face it, I dont have any help at home… Im very very bitter about it because Ive asked so many times and nothing works. It makes me sad because its just making me a bitter person. I want more children but cannot and will not have any more most likely because I cannot do this all myself all over again.
Its not been a good few weeks. Of course I am very scared about school (im paying a lot of money, I want to pass). Im worried about my sister (shes 19 and is not and should not have to be on her own but someone else in this house is not being nice about helping her… I will not put up with someone not caring about family). My mom is chugging along with her battle with cancer. Im so proud of her. She’s so brave and she’s gone through so much treatment and hospital stays and bad days and good days and she’s got this – we all know it!
home just has not been good to me lately. I feel like Im batteling a little bit of depression, not because I can’t handle the problems but because I cant put up with certain problems… or people. I would much rather be away from home (not the baby… just home). Shopping, work, school, cleaning the car out- anything is better than being at home.
I really do want sleep though. Im very sleep deprived this week which does not help. The baby sleeps perfect. 12 hours straight through every night since about 2 months. Im just so tired because… I guess because Im aggravated at home. I always used to say that I would spill my guts out all over this blog but sometimes I just cant for the sake of keeping half decent relationships with people since I know they read this.
All I want for mothers day (which I know I wont get), is to have no one argue with me, and be by myself. no noise, no aggravation, no responsibilities to tend to every waking (and sleeping) moment of the day.. That is not possible, and its ok. I just need to see that Im going to get help during the school week or things are going to change in my life really fast.
Brea has been growing like a weed. She sits up with assistance. She eats baby food now (we just tried peas tonight- she HATES them :(… ). She babbles alot. Smiles alot. Poops alot. Eats every three hours. Sleeps 12 hours a night. Takes a couple of naps a day. Refused the pacifier a month ago and now sucks on her fingers all of the time. Shes 18 weeks and 1 day today. Shes my world. She makes me smile. She makes me get up. She makes us all happy when we’re having a sucky day. Shes the sunshine to me and my momma. She is my beautiful baby. I could not live without her. I will give up whatever I have to if it means that I will always have her to take care of (at least till she doesnt want me to anymore when shes 30 :D).
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Tagged baby, cancer, child, Children, exhausted, family, Home, house, love, mom, momma, mommy, motherhood, tired