Feeling a little crazy tonight. My anxiety has been on a high lately. My final is Friday. My first ultrasound clinical in 6 days. Taking care of the baby by myself lately with Steven working. Thinking of my momma every second of the day and praying she feels better very very soon. And of course … the 25th. Wednesday. I sort of feel my heart shriveling as I think about it.
September 25th is Seth’s birthday. He would have been 2 this year and I almost dont believe it. I remember that day so vividly. Oh how I miss my baby doll. He was so precious. He was so handsome. He was big enough to hold in my arms and loved enough to be born into heaven on the same day that he was born to this earth. My son taught me so much about love. He taught me how precious each person’s life is. He taught me how important things are and how unimportant stuff is. He helped me grow up and realize that there is more to life than my silly issues.
I will never forget you Seth Andrew. You were my first love. You taught me love and I cant thank you enough. I only wish that you were sitting here watching your baby sister growing up. I cannot explain to anyone how important you are to me. No words will ever be able to explain it. It will never stop hurting and it will never be ok. I just look forward to seeing you one day. I am a beautiful mother because of you. I am who I am because of you. You were too beautiful for earth and you were called home too early for me but just in time for Jesus.
It seems unreal. 2 years. That rainy morning 2 years ago I had no clue what was happening, nor what my future had in store for me.
God always has it under control and He will show himself and take care of it all. It will be ok. Dont worry. He will make it all better.
I wish I had to words to really express how I feel but I know in my heart how I feel.
Im sure at this point you would have been a crazy screaming, running 2 year old. You would have had all of the kisses that my heart could contain. Your tiny little hands fit perfectly in mine when you were born but they would have been grabbing onto mine so easily this year. You would have been begging daddy to go outside and eating big boy food. You would have been mumbling all kinds of things and I would have heard those sweet words- mama and dada. You would have been the master at playing with your toys and you would have had a definite mix of attitude from your dad and I. You were meant to be an amazing little boy and maybe thats why you went home early, you were just too amazing for us. We would not have been able to handle how sweet you would have been. Sometimes I dream about you. I dream that you are so quiet and loving and cuddly. You just sit in my lap and dont say a word. I did not lose you before I knew you. I carried you to the end and I carry you in my heart. I talked with you in my tummy, I took you everywhere, I felt you kick. I felt you move and twist and punch. I saw you enter the world and I saw every beautiful feature of your face. Thank you for being you and impacting our lives. You will always be my son, my love, my baby.
You ever loving mommy,
I dont even know where to begin…
While everyone is worried about their appearance, their schoolwork, their night out on the town, other people are living in a world of chaos. You really never know how someone feels. It is so heartbreaking.
Sometimes when you feel like you have no one to talk to, No one that even cares what is happening in your life, No one that even asks- My momma always taught me one thing. That it does not matter. God sees your every move. He sees you crying. He has bottled up every tear that has come out of your eyes. He is listening. There are times when you wonder when you will finally hear Him.
When will He call you.
It is here.
This is my prayer.
I wish I had someone who knew. Who understood. Im not scared for me or my family. I just hurt because my mom hurts. I want her to feel better so bad. I want her healed. I want her pain free. This is the woman who gave me everything to get where I am. She provided me with every tool I ever needed in life and every idea to believe that I can do WHATEVER I want to do. No one else could have made me who I am because no one could have encouraged me to keep going like she has. No one has ever encouraged me like she is. Every time I ever doubted myself she reversed that doubt. No one has ever… ever…. ever cared for me the way my mom is caring for me still today. No one will ever know the friendship my mom has provided me with. When I literally have no friends, she is my friend. When I have friends, she is my friend. I look up to every way she has handled every situation. For the bravest and most intelligent woman I know, there is no reason God will not heal her. God, you have told me plenty of times that you are in control. You are. You have plans for us to prosper. I pray for complete healing, miraculous healing, unquestionable healing. Healing that will make this doctor believe in You. I pray for zero pain. For an overly well functioning body, soul, and mind. There is no God like you. There is no friend like you. There is no comfort like you. When we feel like not one person truthfully feels what we feel, remind us that you do and that you are taking care of it so we can show others in the future what true love feels like. Give us strength, give us hope, give us healing.
Tonight it is going to be very hard to study because I would rather be fasting and praying. While I will pray fervently, I hate that school would get in my way at all.
Tonight Im going to close my eyes and pray for every person who does not know where the next corner will take them, pray that they find peace and a true loving friend.
Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
Posted in anxiety, Family, Friends, Health
Tagged cancer, faith, Faith healing, Friendship, God, healing, health, mom, momma, mommy, Mother, peace, Prayer