Monthly Archives: December 2013

A year in the making

Christmas time is here. And my baby will be one on the 28th.

I was just looking at pictures and I cannot believe it at all. My little baby… I remember the day I had her and holding her, her looking into my eyes- there was no other feeling in the world that could replace that. Wow a year ago to this day I was so excited. I was walking miles every night to get my contractions going, I was up late at night with heartburn – sitting up watching tv till 3AM. I was wobbling and sore and sick. I was so excited that being a mom was right around the corner. I did not know what was ahead of me.

financial expenses,

sleeples nights,

screaming fits,

rashes,

first crawl,

first words,

daycare,

doctors,

The things I never knew that I would experience… it is crazy. This little girl has changed my life. I wish I could go back to that day that I first met her. I want to feel that love for her forever. I hope that my mom skills grow every day and I hope that I can influence Brea to be a sweet and caring person who loves Jesus. I hope that she sees how hard Im working and I hope she knows that I will always love her, even when I take things away from her, or ground her, or say no to her first date. I love her and I want the absolute best and nothing else.  All of her firsts are coming to an end. This is her last first Holiday- Christmas… I cannot believe it. I never would have imagined having a baby that was grown up. <3.

Ive been so busy I have not gotten to take pictures so hopefully it happens very soon so I can add them to this post.

 

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The most meaningful motherhood moment I have yet to experience

I know that I just blogged yesterday but was moved to tears tonight and still am and I need to write this down so I can remember forever. 

After an exhausting day I came home from a late day at school and went straight to pick Brea up from daycare. She was ok as long as I was holding her but tonight she did not want to eat dinner or drink anything, She just whined and whined. I almost pulled my hair out and started to cry a little when I put her to bed because she wouldn’t stop. Brea almost always goes straight to sleep when I put her in bed, she never cries for more than a minute or two. after 20 minutes I finally went into her room and did something I have only done about twice since she was born. I rocked her in the rocking chair. 

The last time I had to do this she could barely lift her head. 

I think she knew that I needed her tonight. As annoyed as I felt when I first walked in the room, it all went away when she lifted her arms up and gripped me with all of her life as I picked her up out of the crib. I sat down and rocked away in the chair and she just hummed and rubbed her hand against my arm like she was petting me. When she settled down enough she stopped making noise and just sighed with relief. She was laying on one arm but she pulled it out from underneath her and wrapped bother of her arms around me, as wide as they would stretch. She hugged me so tight and did not let go.Then she lifted her head and stared at me with her giant eyes and smiled and laid her head back down on my chest. She can barely talk but she told me she loved me without having to say it out loud. My beautiful baby already has a heart. She knew I had a long day. She just patted her hand against my chest as I cried a little bit. I have never experienced a moment like this before. A moment where neither of us had an agenda but to love each other. I didnt want it to end.  My sweet baby girl is almost one year old and tonight we just needed each other. She didnt fall asleep but she was content when I laid her back in bed. She laid her head down, grabbed her blanky, and waved bye bye to me.

Wow, I cant explain how special that was. My baby doll is always waving her arms at me to tell me that she is too big to be held like a baby but tonight she let me do it for a long time and she just loved on me without saying a word or batting at me. 

Special. There is no other words.

This is the exact, EXACT dream I had of Seth. Maybe that is why my heart is pouring out. I literally could close my eyes and see him right there, that same situation with him was all I have dreamed about for a long time. Just holding him so he would know that mamma really did want to take away all of the pain. To let him just rest while mamma makes it all better. 

Thank God for my little angels.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for another year.

A healthy life.

A beautiful daughter.

Lessons learned.

 

I am feeling very very stuck in a rut with school. It is depressing. The teachers are hard on us, they look down on us. They demean a lot, it is not professional and as an adult it is hard to deal with. It is hard to keep a smiling face and stay relaxed when you feel like you’re being bullied. I came here to vent it all out and realize that I had a great weekend and am very thankful. I am halfway through school, I just need to chug and plug and really try hard to forget all of the stress that this school places on my life and just do things that make me happy. School is not what the world revolves around… it will be ok. I am an adult, I can handle this like one.

Feeling a sinus cold coming on and its making me feel miserable… as you can tell from my negative Nancy writing, I am burnt out, very badly. No one would know unless they were doing this. I wish certain people could get a taste so they could understand for five seconds.

Thanksgiving was good. I went to grandmas and took Brea. Grandma is not looking so well. Then I went to my mother in laws. Brea had a fun filled- food day. She loved seeing everyone’s dogs lol. I did a photoshoot with my cousin and her boyfriend, it went beautifully.

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I got to spend some time with my sister this weekend. She gave me a little makeover (did my hair and makeup) and I felt so good about myself for a little bit, it was wonderful. She did a little indoor photo shoot of me, it was so nice of her. She did especially good considering shes never shot manual before and she had no natural light and not even any artificial light. She worked that camera! p.s.- she made the jewelry and will be selling it soon, Ill have to post a link when she does, She is sooooo crafty!!!

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It was so nice, I didnt want the long weekend to end.

I only have 3 weeks. 3 weeks and this class will be over, I will get a 2 week break, and then Ill have a 2 month clinical rotation.

Christmas is almost here!

Brea is almost 1 !

I cant believe how fast this year flew. How many ups and downs there were. It has just been a blessing to have another year to experience all that I have, no matter how annoyed I am at school or people or situations, I have been blessed.

Thank Jesus for more time with my family. I have been given everything I need. I just need to open my eyes and make the right decisions towards happiness.

Lately I have been missing Seth a lot. I suppose it is Christmas to blame. Another year without my baby. He would have been 2 years and 3 months on Christmas day. Our 3rd Christmas without him, Our first with Brea. What would life have been like with a boy? Im not sure. But none of my friends understand. None of them wonder. It’s ok, It is not everyone’s story, and I certainly don’t want it to be. I guess its around Christmas that turmoil can stir and it makes you think about how much you life has changed. Your personality, your family, your entire life. Hopefully one day it will turn into something good…

well thats enough for tonight. I need to get ready for bed so Im half rested for school tomorrow.

love,

night.