Monthly Archives: July 2014

4 weeks of school left in this sink hole of life

Whoa,
Today is my last day of clinical. (hopefully if I pass my exam tomorrow).
I have been at a Peds/OB hospital all month and it is very overwhelming.
I am scared. I am exhausted. I just want a job. It is frustrating when you have to walk away from a site with no definite guarantee of a job after you spent all your time and money on your education.
I have been really depressed lately to be honest. I just wish I could get out of this. I just want to lay down next to my mom. I miss her. She always made me feel like everything would be alright. I literally still reach for my phone, scroll to the favorites in my contacts and look at her name before I forget that I cannot call her. If she was here, I would legitimately feel like everything would be ok. My birthday is in 6 weeks and Seth’s is in 9 weeks. On my birthday mom will have been gone for 6 months. Im just not ready to lose my memories of her. My worst fear is: since my mom died while I was so young, Im scared Ill forget what it was like to have her around, or her smell, or touch, or how she played with Brea. Every day it all fades a little more and no one understands. I go to clinical and no one knows, I hang out with friends and no one sees it. I just want to move somewhere, in the middle of no where, and start over life. Pretend like none of it happened. Im still young enough right?
I guess maybe I put a little too much hope in school that it would fill this ginormous mess in my life and now that it is falling though, I see what I obviously knew from the start. School will do nothing for my life. My employment will not matter in this life. It will not bring back anyone. It will not make me feel happier. All it is doing is dragging me further into this pit every time I am let down with the absence of a job.
I have worked really hard. I have been really stressed. I would just like 1 thing to go right and have 1 person root for me. Im sort of missing those things. Just 1 I ask for… It will probably never happen but Momma always told me “Life is not fair Hollie”. Now I see why.
No one loves you unconditionally except for God of course and in that you cannot put any hope in man, in anyone. Do no put your hopes of feeling accepted into anyone. I don’t think other people are concerned about you feeling accepted anyways.
It is nice to completely spew my guts out to someone who will not talk back to me :).
It is probably just depression but sometimes I feel like I should get the right to be depressed here and there. I never get to grieve because I always have to be the rock.

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