Category Archives: death

My sweet Momma.

I have not been writing what I really feel for the last year because my dear mother had been very sick and she read my blog like a hawk. I loved that. She was battling a very rare and aggressive cancer and I did not ever want it to cross her mind that I was giving up on her fight. I never gave up on her.

Last week On Tuesday March 4th, 2014 (4:32pm) at the sweet tender age of 45, my beautiful mother took her last breath. I do not know how I will survive or go on, or just breathe. Everything hurts. When I look at my phone and see her texts, pictures, her name on Skype, her Facebook, I miss her so bad. My body hurts, my brain hurts. I cannot concentrate. I am 5 months from finishing school and I do not know how I will do this. She was the reason I lived to succeed. Now I have no one to encourage me. She was so proud of me. She was so selfless. the day before she died she asked if I was doing my homework because she was worried that I would fall behind. She was thanking the pastor for taking time away from his family to come see her. She was telling me that she just wanted everyone to know that she was desperate for them to believe in Jesus so they could all see her again. She didn’t complain about her pain, she didn’t complain about dying. I watched the bravest woman ever. There legitimately will never be another woman like her in the world. I hope I live to be just like her. I watched her fight vigorously for 1 year and never stop taking chemo, even though it was not working. She had so much to live for- 2 young daughters and a beautiful 1 year old granddaughter.

Anger, denial…. I dont know. I keep thinking shes just on vacation, she will be back. I keep having nightmares that I am laying next to her on that last day we had together. I keep missing her. I dont want to be a mom, I dont want to be a wife. I just want to be a mourning daughter. But I have to keep going, and it is not fair.

I dont want to eat or drink or see people. I just want to sleep for a very very long time. This is the worst kind of pain. Slowly losing my mother over a year, knowing this day was approaching. Slowly seeing her beautiful body transform into a different sick person.

No one will know. No one will understand. I am 22 and have lost my Father, Mother, and son. How in the world could life be worth living. I know people have had it bad but could anyone really understand the pain?

Every night before bed I pick up my phone and realize that I cannot call my mom to tell her about my day anymore. My best friend. She will not be reading this post. She will not like it, or comment on it. She will not be here to hug me when I cry in bed tonight. What will I do when I’m sick and want her to hold me or when I need someone to believe in me?

I dont need her in heaven. I need her here.

Mom, you were the best mom. I dont believe that you are gone. You were only 45. We were supposed to have the rest of our lives together. We were supposed to go shopping and go on trips and do our hair and exercise together and share my kids, craft, cook…. What happened. Where did it go. I feel so robbed. I feel so lonely. You did everything you could. You never gave up. someone who tried so hard should not be allowed to go. There wasn’t a bad thing about you. We needed more time with you. You were my security. You were my rock. You taught me everything. You never did me wrong. I will miss you. Those are not even enough words to describe how much I hurt. Cancer is ugly and I wish so bad it did not deteriorate you and slowly make your last year intolerable. I wish it was not like this. I dont understand. I am not nearly as strong as I was when I lost Seth. Maybe that has to do with not having you here to support me and put good thoughts in my head. As much as I smile and say I’m good for everyone, I say it because there is no way to explain the emptiness. You were beautiful. I never want to grow old because I don’t ever want to forget one tiny detail about you. There are no words to describe you.

I miss you.

I wish you were reading this.

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Happy first birthday; to the man of my life

365 days. 1 year has flown by since Seth was born. He would have been 1 year old today.

I have A LOT of anxiety today. I woke up at 2am and had super bad heartburn and could not sleep, I sat up in  bed till about 4 for reliefe. I have been super super super paranoid about baby brea moving, I have not felt a strong crazy moving from her since a few days ago (even with a coke in hand). after much praying she barely kicked this morning and it was enough to relieve my hyperventilating anxiety.  she moves but not a lot. Im going to talk to the doctor next week about it.

Sunday went better than I expected. Probably because no one noticed that Seths birthday was coming up and of course no one remembers that he was born on a Sunday except for our family. No one mentioned him. I wanted people to at least remember him, but I did not want to be asked about him.

Seth, you are my first child, my first son, and the first time I was ever given the opportunity to love someone SO much that I almost jumped out of my skin. I never knew how much love could be felt just by having a child. It is unspeakable. It is amazing. I cry because I miss you, because I wish I could have stopped it, because I miss the dreams I had for you, and because I see everyone else with their almost 1 year olds and just want to fall apart. You have consumed my life and thoughts and have dictated this pregnancy. Everything I do, I think of how different it would be if you were here. I have nothing planned for your first birthday but I wish I did. I wish it was grand. (sounds crazy but I wanted to take a cruise to be away so I could make this day happy for you, but Im too far along to climb aboard according to the lines). I hope it is a beautiful day in heaven. I hope the angels are singing and you get a break from your homework 🙂 and all the 1 year olds come over to your nursery so you can all play harder than you have ever before. Grandpa Strait and great grandpa strait can visit you and tell you sweet stories about mommy. I can hear them laughing now. Its such a beautiful sound.

I heard the pastor preach on heaven and hell this week at church and he said all the things I ever wanted to say in the most perfect way. Why do I believe in heaven? 1. because my mommy told me so. Mom and dad taught me everything there was to know in the bible that spoke of heaven because I wanted to know. i remember at 4 asking momma and dad every question I could think of and they both sat down with me and like a grown up told me the straight up truth. 2. because my heart tells me so. Part of me died the day you did Seth and I felt the tug of heaven. I felt it in my grasp. I felt you leave my arms and go rest in Jesus’. I have felt this way about my own daddy after he died but you led me up to the gates and went on without me, like the big boy you are. I feel it in my heart. 3. My savior tells me so.  “In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you” john 14:2. I believe that what God says is true. He would not have lied just for fun. In fact, you cannot catch Jesus in a lie ANYWHERE in the Bible, so why would he start with what he says here?

I miss everything about you. You felt so perfect in my arms. You were warm and chunky and so beautiful. You were a baby in my arms. I was a mom holding her son.

Dont forget me. One day we will meet, I wonder how old you will be then. Daddy and I miss you. I remember how family like it was 365 days ago. How close we drew together to plan your funeral. You were the closest thing we had to having everything.

I will never forget you. I cant believe it has been a year. You are precious.

 

Another week down

Ok… so I have been struggling the last few days. People are having their baby’s around here and I know that I have plenty of time left but its making me so nervous. For some reason in the past 48 hours I can just close my eyes and smell the hospital room, feel the gown that I was wearing, and see myself breathing. I told Steven last night, I love Brea (I think this is what we are going with for her name) but it does not fill the void of having a son. Nothing will fill that void but I feel like a boy would make me so happy. Brea will make me happy… Im just still mourning Seth.

I thought maybe I was having a UTI so I called the doctor. We discussed my (VERY mild and intermittent) symptoms and I discussed how terrified I am to take any medication because during the last pregnancy I had a yeast infection for the ENTIRE pregnancy and finally the birthing center gave me a pill to take, they said it would start working in 24 hours. That day that I took the pill was the last time I felt Seth move. The nurse on the phone said “Oh honey, that pill is never recommended for pregnancy, I dont know why they gave that to you, we would never give you anything that would harm the baby. (she then prescribed an antibiotic that Im not going to take because I think its just my pregnancy and no infection).

My heart sunk. I feel so guilty now. I feel so angry. Almost a year after my son was born, I find out that this could have been the reason for his death. I put my trust in these women I was seeing, this birth center completely tried to make me feel like I had power, like I could make decisions, Yet they could not make a good decision for me. I want the whole place to shut down. I was told that other people have heard horror stories of babies dying from the center but yet I had never been able to find any facts that coincided with those statements… I cannot  believe it. There is nothing I can do now and the birth center will still continue to treat women….. Wow. Talk about guilt and paranoia. Now I REALLY dont want to take any meds (and I always get a lot of infections during pregnancy). Im just aggravated.

I hope this week goes fast. I need this pregnancy to hurry up so I can see this baby, Im tired of being scared and anxious and crying every day… always wondering if today is the last day that I will know you.

21st birthday

Ive been busy lately, its nice cause it makes time go by faster.

My 21st birthday was this week on Tuesday. It was great. My husband took the day off and just drove me around and stopped wherever I pointed lol. We stopped at Seth’s grave and talked for a little while.  Then we went to dinner at a steakhouse and it was WONDERFUL. I had a great time. The girls at work got me a cake too yesterday :).

Ive been thinking about a lot lately….

having our own home with some room,

starting school (I cant wait to wear those scrubs and get to ultrasounding!!!!!)

shaving my legs is like being blind and holding your breath while playing a sport… IMPOSSIBLE

Seth’s 1 year birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. I cant believe a year ago we had the worst day of our lives. It was amazing to meet my son and tragic under the circumstances. I never thought a year after saying goodbye to my son, I would be half way through another pregnancy with a baby girl on the way. I never thought we would be where we are. Seth made us special people. I miss him so much. It hurts.

It will be harder later this month. I just cant believe it has been a year, it has gone by so fast. It was like I held him yesterday!

 

A note to Mrs. Glenda

We never talked on a regular basis and I never expressed my gratitude towards this woman like I should have. All I could do is sit back and admire her from afar. She was too beautiful and too strong to approach sometimes. She was giving and very heartfelt. If I could choose to be someone in life, it would be her.

This amazing woman of God would take charge and do whatever she had to do to get things in order and done. She played a HUGE role in my wedding and baby shower. I cried like a baby when I heard last year that she had gone to be with Jesus (and still cry as I sit here writing this). Little did I know that weeks later my baby boy would be sitting right there with her. Her grief stricken husband preaching at Seth’s funeral… I found out at my shower (the week before Seth passed away) that Mrs. Glenda told Mrs. Ott to put on my cake “happy labor day”…. She was so adorable, so thoughtful, at a time when she was so sick, she was not even thinking about herself.

What can I say… No other woman has shown me how to be SO fearless. The wrapping up of the year since she left is a terrible terrible reminder of the following greif on Seths birthday. But who taught me how to be fearless on that day? Without her knowing, she did. Without many people knowing, Steven and I talked very often in the weeks following our son’s death about Mrs.Glenda and her love, and her and Seth meeting.

I miss her and her example. I just wish sometimes I would have paid attention a little more and said thank you a little more.

Thank you for your fearlessness. See you soon.

Motherhood

September is drawing near, VERY fast. So much is happening. I have been so anxious of course, you all know that, that is me.

September used to be one of my favorite months. Its the coming of fall (although in Florida its just another HOT month). Its my birthday. (this year is my 21st birthday- Im OFFICIALLY a big girl?!!!?!!!). But this year… It is my son’s first birthday. I want to think of it as a happy day but every time I look at the 25th on the calendar (exactly, to the day, 3 weeks past my birthday), I cry. How in the world has it been a year since I saw my son?

I told Steven last night, … I think I might take a couple days off around the 25th so Im not emotional at work. He dosnt understand. He said, “why are you sad, you have a new baby on the way?”…. Really? Really?….. I just really miss him. I knew it wouldnt but in my head I thought, this baby has to make up a little bit for Seth passing away…. it does not. Its just harder.

I think more often about being a young mom. This is what I wanted. I went to specialists to try and plan a healthy pregnancy, I begged my husband to start trying again. And now… well, Im scared. I still have to finish school, get a home, its nerve wracking living pay check to pay check, being the one to carry the full time regular paycheck, and I wanted a child? God will grant me the sanity and strength because he obviously meant for it to happen. I have to remember that there were 7 long months in between Seth and this baby in which I really expected to be pregnant and when April came I had no expectation at all. I dont even remember doing anything to make a baby to be honest lol.

I want a full term healthy baby. It will happen. I cant believe that I will be coming home with a baby In January and I will have a baby to put in the crib and show off, teach, take care of, love on, spoil.

I have been thinking about telling my mom how much I appreciate her since I had Seth last year. Im not a mushy person, I hate crying in front of people but I never said a real thank you to my mom.

Mom,

I never could have imagined how much a child means to their mother till I had Seth. I remember all of those angsty teen nights in which I was so angry at you for taking things away from me, being upset that I was moving out, getting married, moving on. I took the last years of my childhood away from you and I am sorry. I cannot believe all of the grief that I gave you and I never understood, I never knew that you could love anyone more than any other person or thing in the world. A child produces a very special kind of love, a love that literally hurts, its overwhelming how much you need them when you think its all about them depending on you.

Thank you for putting up with me. For letting me go with less grief than what Im sure I will give my child. I now see how hard it is to let them go.  I see how hard it is to let them grow up and be an adult. I cant imagine my baby being an adult, on the same level as me, making their own decisions and seeing them less. Going from living with them every day to letting go every day. Less calls, less visits…. it’s not something I want to think about. Thank you mom for giving up your life to raise us. Thanks for giving it your all, providing everything, and giving us everything we ever wanted. It is amazing that you gave up so much to give us so much. I can never express my full appreciation now that I have become a mom.

You are strong, beautiful, and can do anything. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

Hollie berry.

 

-Stay safe rainbow.

Baby brain messing me up

I am very grateful to be pregnant again but it stresses my body a lot. You forget sometimes the toll that comes along with pregnancy. Mentally for me it is a very big struggle to be pregnant and I have noticed it a lot in the last couple of days. My itching is so out of hand. My mind is racing all of the time and I cant think straight let alone talk, I cant get words to come out of my mouth, I am nervous and shaking all of the time, I just feel like a 2 year old who cant think for themselves. I know its a normal part of pregnancy but for me its the worst. I can deal with the physical symptoms that come with pregnancy but I have a very hard time dealing with the hormonal mental side of it. After this baby, it will be a very long time before we have another. Two years of being pregnant is enough, its just too much for my anxiety and mental state, it makes me feel like a nutcase.

My morning sickness has gone away and I have been trying to enjoy all of this but when one thing goes away (I should know), another symptom comes on.

Im just ready for some ways to get rid of my anxiety. Steven said he wants to take me somewhere every weekend, we can just pack up and drive till we find something fun to do. Thats nice but this weekend we are busy and next weekend I work. I just need a break… bad. I should have taken some time of work this month but Im trying to save all of my PTO for the baby. I only made 60 hours PTO in the last 4 months and I wanted to take 12 weeks off but it looks like I will only have a little over a month saved up by the time the baby is here.

Every day is more anxiety filled. I have terrible dreams, I am sore and emotional and just want to cry all of the time. My husband is a very stern and non-emotional man so I just feel like sometimes he walks away from me when Im feeling this way and thats when I need him the most. I understand, its how he deals with all of this.  Every day I am one day closer to seeing my baby. But I am one day closer to a doctors appointment, a result, a hospital visit. Its just so scary not knowing whats going to happen and not to have that first time naive pregnancy feeling. I miss that, feeling invincible. Now I feel like a real adult because I feel like anything could hit me and end my life or the babies life at any moment. I know that is such negative thinking, I dont think that all of the time but it is what nature has bestowed upon me after I realized from Seth that nothing is impossible. I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday so I hope that all goes well.

Cant wait for the weekend. I need to clean all day Saturday (ugh), and go to a wedding on Sunday.

Stay safe Rainbow.