Category Archives: Dogs

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for another year.

A healthy life.

A beautiful daughter.

Lessons learned.

 

I am feeling very very stuck in a rut with school. It is depressing. The teachers are hard on us, they look down on us. They demean a lot, it is not professional and as an adult it is hard to deal with. It is hard to keep a smiling face and stay relaxed when you feel like you’re being bullied. I came here to vent it all out and realize that I had a great weekend and am very thankful. I am halfway through school, I just need to chug and plug and really try hard to forget all of the stress that this school places on my life and just do things that make me happy. School is not what the world revolves around… it will be ok. I am an adult, I can handle this like one.

Feeling a sinus cold coming on and its making me feel miserable… as you can tell from my negative Nancy writing, I am burnt out, very badly. No one would know unless they were doing this. I wish certain people could get a taste so they could understand for five seconds.

Thanksgiving was good. I went to grandmas and took Brea. Grandma is not looking so well. Then I went to my mother in laws. Brea had a fun filled- food day. She loved seeing everyone’s dogs lol. I did a photoshoot with my cousin and her boyfriend, it went beautifully.

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I got to spend some time with my sister this weekend. She gave me a little makeover (did my hair and makeup) and I felt so good about myself for a little bit, it was wonderful. She did a little indoor photo shoot of me, it was so nice of her. She did especially good considering shes never shot manual before and she had no natural light and not even any artificial light. She worked that camera! p.s.- she made the jewelry and will be selling it soon, Ill have to post a link when she does, She is sooooo crafty!!!

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It was so nice, I didnt want the long weekend to end.

I only have 3 weeks. 3 weeks and this class will be over, I will get a 2 week break, and then Ill have a 2 month clinical rotation.

Christmas is almost here!

Brea is almost 1 !

I cant believe how fast this year flew. How many ups and downs there were. It has just been a blessing to have another year to experience all that I have, no matter how annoyed I am at school or people or situations, I have been blessed.

Thank Jesus for more time with my family. I have been given everything I need. I just need to open my eyes and make the right decisions towards happiness.

Lately I have been missing Seth a lot. I suppose it is Christmas to blame. Another year without my baby. He would have been 2 years and 3 months on Christmas day. Our 3rd Christmas without him, Our first with Brea. What would life have been like with a boy? Im not sure. But none of my friends understand. None of them wonder. It’s ok, It is not everyone’s story, and I certainly don’t want it to be. I guess its around Christmas that turmoil can stir and it makes you think about how much you life has changed. Your personality, your family, your entire life. Hopefully one day it will turn into something good…

well thats enough for tonight. I need to get ready for bed so Im half rested for school tomorrow.

love,

night.

 

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Thats right, 35 weeks tomorrow

And another week down- BOOYAAH! So I am happy about the pregnancy, everything is going just fine. Im not happy about work and my doctors not being on the same page. On Oct. 29th I went to my specialist and they told me that I needed to go on medical leave (my OB wrote nothing in his notes about this) to secure a safe ending to this pregnancy with my hypertension and all… so Oct. 30th was my first day of leave at home. Since then I have been fighting with doctors offices to get my records, fighting disability (that I pay for from my paychecks!!!!), fighting the specialist for records, fighting for disability to actually send me things in the mail, and fighting to appeal the stupid denial that disability deemed “your bedrest was unneeded because you were feeling well at your last OB appointment”…. UGHHHHH , HELLOOOOOO. They dont get it. They dont get my stress, they dont get that I am 21 with NO INCOME and I certainly feel very burdened that my husband is trying to take on ALL of the bills himself. I have a baby coming and have drained all accounts that we have clear down to nothing because in the 5 and a half weeks that I have been off work, all parties have done nothing except for me calling around, chewing peoples heads off to get things moving. Even if I EVER get these medical records from my specialist and get my appeal letter mailed out, it could take 45 days to approve or deny the appeal and by then I will have had the baby and need to file a new claim for maternity leave. How frustrating is that, they take their time while people are barely living off of anything because it is not them and their finances and family that it is affecting. They never requested records from my specialist who actually put me on bedrest (how stupid). 

On another aggravated note, my specialist wants me to have the baby anywhere from a week to 2 weeks early (so do I) and my OB wants me to wait the full 40 weeks, he says that he will not induce. So the only way I will have any clue of when I will have this baby is if I start getting on the crazy lady labor inducing train and start some weirdo stuff to get this baby out after 37 weeks. 

Im assuming from here on out (well 36 weeks and on) they will pretty much start checking me at my weekly appointments? Ugh, gross, oww…. they have to do the strep b test tomorrow and lets just say, I DONT WANT TO! Im such a big baby, I dont want any checking or messing with or poking or prodding or anything going on down there… just saying. 

Aida has been throwing up and laying around a lot lately, Im sure she’s sick and I hope she feels better soon, along with me, Im still fighting this sore throat, stuffy/runny nose, and cough. I want it GONE before the baby gets here. 

alright, enough of my ranting about stupid insurance companies and doctors offices. I must go call the doctors office now and complain again that I still have not received the records I need so I know if I should continue to wait at the fax machine for them and at my computer to finish the appeal letter for maternal disability. Wish me luck…. 

Only a few more weeks little one, we can do it… we can do it. 

Vacation….Re-do please?

Well, we’re back from vacation. Im very very very greatful that we got away but a little disappointed that my only chance for a long time to get away, turned out a little crappy lol.

So Sunday night/Monday steven had some business to take care of, some stressful business but either way we got that all settled. Monday Night we went to do laundry so we could leave Tue. for vacation and the washer broke- that should have been a sign. Good thing Steven is a handyman, he fixed it. Tuesday we left and got to our hotel. It was dusty and gross and the Jacuzzi was colder than the pool which sucked cause we wanted to relax in the water but it was too cold out.  Wed and Thur we went to Universal/Islands of Adventure.  Wed. it rained (of course). Thursday was nice but the water rides chaffed my legs up to the max (ugh PAIN). Today (Fri) we were set to head to another town to maybe go to a spring or something and our dog feeder told us at the last minute :oh, Im deciding to go on vacation while your on vacation…. ok, UGH…nothing like last minute. So we had to head home 2.5 days early from vacation. I was a little more than mad because this is my last chance to relax for a long time and of course everyone else gets to enjoy their time off but not Hollie, no way, she should not get all her time to do something she wants to do…. So we come home and someone jacked up our boat trailer so we cant take the boat out tomorrow. There was a jury summons waiting for me in the mail. And of course now were stuck at home for the weekend with no plans because our vacation was cut short. 😦 ….*sigh* Im just stressed. I want some me time. I want to be selfish for once and do stuff JUST FOR ME and not think about anyone else… is that too much to ask for? Out of my 8 days off work I got to get away for 2 and one of those days it was raining so…fun…

Anyways, our xbox games came in the mail while we were gone (YAY) but Steven is hogging the system up with 1 player games so I guess Ill have to wait to play my games later. I got Kinect raving rabbids (YAY) and Kinect Dance central and Call of Duty 4 modern warfare (idk why steven dosnt like that one)… I think im most excited about raving rabbids, that thing is FUN :). Im praying MAYBE we’ll get to go fishing tomorrow, Steven dosnt like to take me 😦 but I really want to, OR, it would be nice to take the dogs to the dog beach, AIDA loves the dog beach and the water. Last time we were there though there was a shark in the water and it was quite scary cause she was just a puppy and I was freaking out trying to get her back on the land.

So… Lets call it a weekend and just relax before work and school start on Monday, yuck.

Weight loss- day two

OK, day two of exercising….

last night we (mother in law and I) did chest, back and abs for P90X.

Tonight is Plyometrics. I woke up this morning and did 30 minutes on the elliptical with a heart rate of like 170 for most of the time. Man I feel beat up still from last night. I cant wait to start dropping the pounds. Now that Im on the wagon (I hope I dont fall off), Im thinking of all the great benefits exercising will have. Better health, future baby, attracted husband (lol), and good self esteem. So, go weight, go :).

So I have today off work. Not every day will I be able to do the extra cardio but when I can I will.

Todays list:

Get myself looking decent for public (lol), pay rent,phone,some med bills, pick up vitamins and folic acid, (dont forget to pee in my container for my kidney test), dishes, homework, crochet. I should make dinner somewhere in there but I doubt I will, I hate cooking, I dont know how we eat honestly.

So, guess I got a lot to do, going to start.

Later today:

Went and got my vitamins. The doctor said he dosnt care what vitamins they are, even if they are flinstones thats ok so… I got sour flinstone gummies!!! AND they taste good!!! Got some folic acid and ate the sandwich for lunch and will eat the salad for dinner if my husband dosnt first 🙂

I painted my nails too 🙂

good day :)…

OH and this is random but I need to show you pictures of the other day, we went on the boat, FUN!

Ugh, I love my aida baby, she is soooo cute! lol. Wish I knew how to upload videos, I have some funny ones. So if you know how to feel free to leave step by step instructions lol. 

 

There went the week again

So Im feeling pretty bad right now. Really bad headache. Dizzy…. Ive been having high blood pressure, who knows why, Im not old and Im not overweight. Maybe stress but even when I really do feel really calm, I still have high blood pressure. idk, if Steven comes home and I still feel bad I might go to convinient care to get it checked out. I have a Maternal Fetal Medicine appt. on Monday to do bloodwork and talk to me about what I have I guess.. Idk what really is going to happen lol.

So last Sunday Steven and I took the dogs out to a park… and THIS is why I LOVE where I live and couldnt move away, Im a nature girl all the way.

Ugh it was beautiful and the dogs LOVED it! They swam, (as we watched very closely for alligators) They ran all over, and of course loved the wind in their faces on the buggy. It was beautiful. There were cows and deer and birds and yes, alligators.

Then Tuesday I went to joanns to buy some yarn to make some baby hats cause we started a group at church to make things for people in hospitals, stillbirths, homeless, etc. and while standing in line, I heard this music. It became louder and louder. I stepped out of line like a crazy woman and walked towards the music. It was soft and familiar. *Flashbacks*. Hospital, contractions, push, baby, family, cry, wheelchaired to car empty handed….. It was the same music I had steven’s parents bring from home to play for me while I was in labor. Steven religously played it for me over and over till I asked him to turn it off (long after he was sick of it). It caught me. Out of no where, completely triggered every smell, sound, touch, and thought of that day. I didnt cry. But I wandered back toward the checkout line silently, staring at the ground.

Here are the hats Ive made so far, the yellow is more of a child size and the pink is a preemie hat.

We went on the boat yesterday. Steven saw a manatee, of course I didnt lol. It was nice out.

I have to work this weekend so lots of homework, a little crocheting. Next month I have off school cause I dont have any classes scheduled (YAY). I hope to do a lot of crocheting. It would be SO much fun to open an ETSY shop! :D.

❤ anyways, my head hurts,Im gonna go for now.

Tell the world

Ok so today is another random post filled with all of my messy thoughts into one giant .. thing :).

[ONE GIANT PARENTHESIS]

Its hard to see but my baby sister is going to college! I’m so proud of her. She is working so hard and doing so well. I cant believe that it is time and she is all grown up. I want to cry lol. Congratulations Courtney! You are beautiful and funny and fantastic and you will succeed. You will do good things. You will be just fine :).

[ONE GIANT PARENTHESIS]

Lets start with the most important of all. My mom sent me this video. Its just amazing.

I cant seem to get the video to post 😦 but here is the link.

http://www.jesus-loves-you.org/?p=1913&utm_source=jly&utm_medium=fb&utm_term=video&utm_content=FiresOfHell&utm_campaign=11-2-11_9am

This is amazing. God gives you a second chance- TAKE IT! I just cant believe how real it all is. Life is just a vapor. Do we really sit and squander over such simple things, why? This woman’s story reminded me of the passage in the Bible from Luke 16:19-31:

19 “There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. 20 At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores 21 and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores. 22 “The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. 23 In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. 24 So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’ 25 “But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. 26 And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’ 27 “He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father’s house, 28 for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’ 29 “Abraham replied, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.’ 30 “‘No, father Abraham,’ he said, ‘but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’ 31 “He said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.’ 

Holy smokes- I want to tell the world! Follow Him, He’s sweet and tender and gives everlasting peace. Why would you not want to try Jesus out? The world often reminds me of the girl who has a sweet gentle man who asks her out and she continually says “no, were better off as friends” while she turns to the man who beats her, belittles her, and treats her of no value.

I also want to tell the world- THERE IS HOPE, lol. Thanks to a bloggers comment I have been researching MTHFR polymorphism even more. What is most exciting is that the pieces are coming together and it all makes sense. The migraines, the “mini-strokes” as a child that the doctors deemed “anxiety”, the severe anxiety and tint of depression, the mood swings, the fuzziness, the cramps, the midwife telling me my folic acid was low at my last appointment in which Seth was still alive (hoping I would get the hint), the cord blood clot- IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

Its this little guy right here  ^. World, meet methylfolate.  MTHFR is the enzyme needed to process folate (also called folic acid, a B vitamin found in many vegetables, grains and supplements) and allows it into the brain. Folate in the brain is the necessary building block for many neurotransmitters (including serotonin), which helps regulate our MOODS! My body is not getting regular folic acid from food. I need it in it’s active form folate. My body cannot function up to par like the rest of yours out there because this one piece is missing. This piece can prevent psychiatric disorders, heart disease, and other blood disorders. AMAZING. CAN I TELL THE WORLD? By taking folate and asprin I may be able to carry a baby full term if it’s God’s will! WHOA! I know there are risks to everything but Seth gave me the gift of finding out about this disorder so I can start helping myself live healthier now. Whether I’m pregnant or not, its good for my brain. If you could not take in water but you knew you needed it so you found a way to take it when you were pregnant, would you only take it when you were pregnant?- NO, you would take it every day because its essential and you cant life without it! Same with this for me. There is a reason God made this little Folate enzyme- so that it will work where its supposed to! So I went and bought this

Ada’s only had 4 bottles and the lady said this is the first time shes ever seen it there, they must have just gotten it in (for me :D).

Heres some info on the importance of MTHFR

 and here is the nutrition label.

ANYWAYS- I think its amazing that I MAY feel better because of this, I cant wait to try it out.

Next on my list of things to do today was go to the cemetery and visit with my son.

It was a beautiful day. Nice and warm but a gentle breeze, enough to keep me from being too hot. I cant help but notice the big green tents that are set up for grave site services. Every time I go in I count. Today there were 2. One was across the way from Seth’s grave.

I sat on the ground next to Seth’s grave and prayed for the family. I just sat there. I let the breeze blow in my face. I looked at the sun. I listened to the mowing, the cars driving by, the birds chirping. It was a beautiful day. Seth’s grave is starting to set in and sink some…. I can’t wait till his headstone comes. Its so barren and I don’t like it. I want to have flowers or something, anything. It should be here in a month or two.


In this last photo, you can see, right in the middle crevice of that tree there is a little tiny baby tree growing from the middle. Hmm, so sweet. This big momma tree right next to Seth’s grave was holding her little baby tree.  That wasn’t there before. [I know because I admire and sit next to and stare at that tree every time I visit.]

When I got home I tried to play with the dogs.. Aida just has too much energy. For those of you who havnt met my beautiful BABY – 1 year old Aida- here she is 🙂

She is the biggest most beautiful 1 year old blue eyed baby a momma could ever ask for! BUT – seriously, she has ADHD, she cannot sit still for anything. I could not get any pictures cause she was runing around like a crazy thing out there.

I would pay the best photographer to get 3 good shots out of this hyper polar bear! lol, She was just every where and she looks like a retard in all of her pictures <3.

Then there is Taz, the old grumpy man that doesn’t want Aida to mess with him hehe…

These two are so funny to watch together.

So that is the story of my life. And with 0 dollars in my bank account, I will now go cook what is left in the fridge so I don’t have to buy food at work for the rest of the week. Wish me luck. I SUCK at cooking.