Category Archives: Holidays

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for another year.

A healthy life.

A beautiful daughter.

Lessons learned.

 

I am feeling very very stuck in a rut with school. It is depressing. The teachers are hard on us, they look down on us. They demean a lot, it is not professional and as an adult it is hard to deal with. It is hard to keep a smiling face and stay relaxed when you feel like you’re being bullied. I came here to vent it all out and realize that I had a great weekend and am very thankful. I am halfway through school, I just need to chug and plug and really try hard to forget all of the stress that this school places on my life and just do things that make me happy. School is not what the world revolves around… it will be ok. I am an adult, I can handle this like one.

Feeling a sinus cold coming on and its making me feel miserable… as you can tell from my negative Nancy writing, I am burnt out, very badly. No one would know unless they were doing this. I wish certain people could get a taste so they could understand for five seconds.

Thanksgiving was good. I went to grandmas and took Brea. Grandma is not looking so well. Then I went to my mother in laws. Brea had a fun filled- food day. She loved seeing everyone’s dogs lol. I did a photoshoot with my cousin and her boyfriend, it went beautifully.

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I got to spend some time with my sister this weekend. She gave me a little makeover (did my hair and makeup) and I felt so good about myself for a little bit, it was wonderful. She did a little indoor photo shoot of me, it was so nice of her. She did especially good considering shes never shot manual before and she had no natural light and not even any artificial light. She worked that camera! p.s.- she made the jewelry and will be selling it soon, Ill have to post a link when she does, She is sooooo crafty!!!

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It was so nice, I didnt want the long weekend to end.

I only have 3 weeks. 3 weeks and this class will be over, I will get a 2 week break, and then Ill have a 2 month clinical rotation.

Christmas is almost here!

Brea is almost 1 !

I cant believe how fast this year flew. How many ups and downs there were. It has just been a blessing to have another year to experience all that I have, no matter how annoyed I am at school or people or situations, I have been blessed.

Thank Jesus for more time with my family. I have been given everything I need. I just need to open my eyes and make the right decisions towards happiness.

Lately I have been missing Seth a lot. I suppose it is Christmas to blame. Another year without my baby. He would have been 2 years and 3 months on Christmas day. Our 3rd Christmas without him, Our first with Brea. What would life have been like with a boy? Im not sure. But none of my friends understand. None of them wonder. It’s ok, It is not everyone’s story, and I certainly don’t want it to be. I guess its around Christmas that turmoil can stir and it makes you think about how much you life has changed. Your personality, your family, your entire life. Hopefully one day it will turn into something good…

well thats enough for tonight. I need to get ready for bed so Im half rested for school tomorrow.

love,

night.

 

Monsters reap what they sow

So this week I’ve made it to 37 weeks! My specialist still wants me to deliver at 38 weeks and my OB is not flying with that, he wants 40 so I just wish the baby would get out, the fighting over when she gets here stresses me out.

Meanwhile I am an anxious person anyways. Trying to work out bills, doctors visits, cleaning… you know, for an anxiety ridden person its all stressful in itself. but… I have been most concerned with others’ burdens. I have been told plenty of times that I have my own life to take care of but I cannot leave people to be miserable though if I love them. Its just in my tender heart to get them out of their mess. Especially when your family is so huge and you feel this way way to often- it’s sad.

I am thankful that I have a husband who’s heart is full of love, kindness, and help. He would do anything for anyone and I have found that out in the last year. I dont know how I could have ever missed seeing that in him (not that I have but glad that I have recognized it more and thanked him for it). Maybe he spoiled me too much because I think everyone’s relationship should be our way and I get upset when someone has anything less.

You know when you love someone sooooo sooo much that it literally hurts. It really really hurts when you love them that much and their quality of life is that of a caged dog- with a monster owner who is two faced with multiple personalities, who decides when they get to eat, when they get toiletries, when they are allowed out, when they can talk to their family (on monitored conversations), the verbal bullying, the constant putting down of you, the bare bare essentials are barely provided, the precious self worth/esteem and emotional health you had being stomped on…. no one should live like that.

I want to tell you- If you have a monster in your house like that, no matter how much they sweet talk, no matter how 2 faced they are, no matter how far they have gotten by by lying about the way they treat you- THEY WILL BE FOUND OUT BY MAN AND GOD. You reap what you sow.  When the ones that love this person are up ALL night wondering if this person is going to make it through the night, that monster will reap what they sow. When a loved one is crying because of the lost relationship they are experiencing because someone else has been convinced that their life will go no where without this monster, that monster will reap what they sow. 

To anyone and everyone that has been mistreated, let that monster know today that the truth is out…

People know who you are. I cant wait till you’re finally confronted one day.  Nothing you do is going to fix it because by nature of habit you will continually do what you do,family won’t forgive you for ruining their lives and emotional state of fear. Unless God changes both of our hearts you will never be anything more than what you have proven yourself to me as.

I want so bad to make this monster go away

to keep the one you love, make them stay.

Instead they choose the monster’s way,

because he knows how to manipulate.

He’ll fix today’s problem to try and win us back,

tomorrow He will be saying things that would make my heart burn- for a fact.

That monster will forever be in our lives and mind,

It’s scary how one animal, one day, can kill everything you had designed.

Christmas is exactly one week away and all I want is a healthy family with a healthy baby and for all of those people out there who are being lied to, to find the truth. That’s it.

Christmas is about Jesus. We usually do a tree and all but it just did not happen this year. There are more important things than a tree and presents this year.

Ready to meet Brea and try to forget about crazy people in this world. Be strong, be courageous, take a step out of the ordinary and take a chance on scary life without someone who has made all your plans for you. It is not my duty to bring them to justice if no one wants to do it, so instead I’ll let it happen the just way- they can reap what they sow.

On a happy note- I will see my precious baby in anywhere from 1-3 weeks and all I want to do is fill her precious head with positive affirmations of our love for her, nothing will stop me from making good things happen for her. Her dad is beyond excited and every day he gets a little more anxious.

Uncharted territory, 34 weeks

Well, We have come to 34 weeks, about the time that I had Seth in September of 2011. From here on out, this is all new to me. The bigger baby, the heavier feeling. It is all very welcome but I am ready to have this baby. Im ready to meet my daugther. I went to my specialist today. He said that everything is looking good but my blood pressure is still borderline at home. I just have to keep taking it daily and all. I asked about the baby’s weight. I am a little concerned because well- the baby is almost 6 pounds!!!! HOLY MOLY. Ok, so shes exactly 5lbs 10 oz to be exact and is 18 in long. Seth was born at 34 weeks and weighed 5 lbs exactly and was 19.5 in long. So The doctor said that she will probably be on the big side of the average scale (shes running in the 80th percentile) but in a way it is good news. HOW?? (a freaked out mother like me would ask lol), he said that usually hypertension causes a baby to be small so at least we know that my blood pressure is not effecting the baby because she is a little large. To that I replied- so what kind of weight are we looking at here?  The doc said that he does not want me to go past 39 weeks (Im measuring a week ahead anyways) so if they schedule me to have the baby between 38 and 39 weeks he’s guesstimating a baby around 8.5 pounds…. (!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT???) lol… I guess it sounds scary but it is only scary because this is really happening, Im so close and Im really going to have a baby :D.  Ill be 38 weks on Dec. 28th and it is my goal to have this baby no later than the 30th lol… Ill be doing all kinds of jumping jacks and squatting and walking. I cant wait- Im 4 weeks away from having this baby (most likely). It would be cute to have a Christmas baby but honestly- I want to enjoy my Christmas food- ugh I cant wait, it just sounds so good thinking about it (the food). Man all of this baby day dreaming is getting me all crazy :).

Wow I have so much to do! washing, fixing the baby’s room up, baby shower…. Speaking of, I am having my baby shower on Saturday. I was not excited until today. (this may get confusing) I work at a hospital, all of our local hospitals (4 of them) are owned by the same company, I work at a central/south location. Well today I went to the main campus downtown (where my mother in law works) because one of the cardiologists was having a baby shower and I made her a little owl security blanket and got her a few gifts. (I freakin love this doctor she is sooooo cute!) Anyways it was so much fun to see her smile and have a good time! I am glad that I went because it kind of put me in the mood for my own; I have not at all been wanting to have a shower. Thankfully my mother in law is helping out with the cake and punch and some early arrivers will help me set up the decoration stuff. Im just so excited that its so stinking close now lol. I feel like I have sooo much to do and so little time to do it! Really my husband is the one who has all the work to do. :).

In home news, we are all moved it, it is not exactly as organized as I want but Oh well, I cant do much at this point with limited bending and such. Aida (our husky), has adjusted well. She sleeps alot but Im soooo glad to see her feeling a little better. I think she was sad about leaving the other dog that she hung out with at my in laws but that was a great growing experience for her. She has had no accidents in the week that she has been here. The only thing is that she was not eating at all… unless is was human food and I didnt want to give her any till she started to eat her dog food. Well FINALLY today I took her for a walk and when we came back she went to her food bowl and ate her food (VICTORY IS MINE!). So proud of my baby girl :). She even has been loving on me and sleeping next to my side of the bed the last two nights because Ive been sick (she never sleeps on my side, she loves her dad so much). I had a fever last night and yesterday I was just sick all day long and she just slept right next to me and never left my side, shes still sleeping next to me as I type this.. I love that girl 🙂

Ok, Ill stop all my crazy talk, I really need a nap so I can rid this awful sinus thing I got going on.

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most wonderful woman in the world, my MOMMA! Im so happy to have you around and I hope it was a good day. I owe you a cake when Im feeling better and I have no chance of contaminating it and getting you sick 🙂

some news

So today starts a VERY long 10 weeks. Yesterday when I went to my perinatologist they did an ultrasound and the tech said that everything was looking good. the baby still had her head enveloped and smooshed against my placenta lol, but at least she is head down again. She was 3 lbs 5 oz and 15.9 in long. I will be 30 weeks in a couple of days. Im excited but now Im very nervous because they told me that my blood pressure has slowly been rising in my logs and that they think it is best for me to not continue working. They are specialists, this is their job to make me and the baby stay healthy… but its hard to accept. So starting today Im not working until after delivery. I cried last night before bed, I cried when I woke up today, and I cried when Steven called me. Financially it is scary (I took out short term disability hoping to use it for the baby but now, if I even get accepted, it will be all used up by the time the baby gets here).  What is keeping me sane is the fact that this is my favorite season, my daughter is on her way, and I have a ton of cleaning and preparing to do. What is driving me crazy is, now I have to limit my baby spending, which is my favorite thing to do- baby shop.

Sometime this week I have to complete yet ANOTHER 24 hour urine test to look at my kidney’s and the effect my blood pressure is having on my body (that sucks). Everything is going to be all smooshed into weekly slots now because I see my specialist every Monday and my OB every Thursday until the end.

So I guess the point of me staying home is to lessen my anxiety and my blood pressure so I will try to do my hypnobirthing a little bit every day and keep calm. In 4 weeks, it will be the the same amount of weeks in which I lost Seth. That is going to be hard to cope with. Tip-toeing past every day  from that point, wondering if we’re going to make it.

I feel so guilty for not working because Im not sick, Im just pregnant with high blood pressure. I hope my husband does not feel burdened but I hope too that work continues to pile up for him. He loves to work. He told me the other day that he is glad that work has picked up because it makes him feel like a man and he is glad to be busy. I pray that he gets a full 40 hours of work every week through the end of this medical leave I have to take.

There are jobs I can try to get at the hospital like sitting jobs (sitting with the elderly and baker acts) but if I am being paid by my employer then I am not on FMLA like my specialist requested and they can refuse treatment and my insurance can refuse payment. :(….

I just feel like poop not doing anything productive but I promise to keep up with the housework, finish all of the baby projects I started, and take good care of myself daily now. This will eventually end and I will eventually have my job to go back to, Thank the Lord.

Its almost November :-O…. oh my word, this baby will be here soon.

Mothers day

So Im here to write a blog since midterms are monday and I doubt I’ll be back till around next weekend.

Today I was thinking in the shower, this is such a bittersweet season for me. Mothers day is this Sunday and My first son who made me a mother will not be here to make me happy. Seth made me a mom. He groomed me for 8 months into a woman and past childhood. He opened my eyes to love and gratefulness. He was the star in my eyes last mothers day while he was in my tummy. I will never forget him. He is my son and my baby. If I could talk to him I would let him know that in no way do I feel like this child replaces him at all, I would not have been a mother if it wasnt for him and I surely would not have this baby if it wasnt for him because we didn’t want children for a LOOOONG time before he came along.

I dont feel guilty, just sad that he is not here. I am sooo sooo sooo thankful that rainbow is here now. I am beyond excited, its all I think about. I cant believe sometimes that I’m pregnant again. I have been getting some small classic symptoms. Stuffy nose (REALLY stuffy lol), very slight wooziness, and of course today is 5 weeks and my tummy is starting to poke a little. I hear that your second baby you become bigger fast, is that true? I feel like it! At 5 weeks I look like I did when I was 13 weeks. I have not gained weight, just a poochy stomach.

Im so thankful that God chose me, now, to have this baby. My whole life will change. I went back and looked at Seths ultrasounds and my bump pictures and all I can think about is how exciting that was!

It is slightly a different type of excited. Its more reserved. I thought last time, Im young and healthy nothing will seriously EVER happen to my pregnancy and then God woke me up. Now I have a hard time thinking about my future with rainbow because I dont want to be disappointed. Im just so ready, this is going to be a long 35 weeks lol.

This is my 20 week ultrasound of Seth.

Thank you for making me a mother baby boy. Even though you are not here, You are my life, the only reason I get up.

…<3 stay safe Rainbow.