So I need to just update quick because I still have a lot of studying to do and I have to leave for work in an hour….
I have a B average in physics, I hope it stays that way. I cried yesterday because I didnt get chapter three and then we went on to chapter 4. I am actually getting the hang of chapter 4 very well so all I need to do is STUDY STUDY STUDY ALL night long and maybe I can do well on my test tomorrow. I am praying, I DONT want to take this dumb class again with this STUPID teacher…
In baby news!!!! —->
I went to talk to my new OB yesterday. He is WONDERFUL!!! He listens, I dont feel rushed, He is kind and compassionate. He told me “losing a baby is a terrible experience and we will do everything we can to make this the best pregnancy possible”.- Now THAT is what I wanted to hear! lol. He said he sees no reason to put me on asprin or blood pressure meds because Im stable right now and he said I will have a TON more visits than a normal pregnancy and they will do a lot of testing on me including extra ultrasounds, blood tests, and a non-stress test in the third trimester. Hes very nice and reassuring that he will take care of me and he comes across as being interested in my pregnancy, not just my doctor getting me out of the office so he can go eat lunch.
Hes SOOO short lol, Hes like 4 foot tall and Im 5’8 so its funny standing next to him.
The office offers 4d ultrasounds with pictures and dvd’s and teddy bears with the baby’s heart beat in them… Its neat, they have a lot of options. These are things that I never did with Seth and It kind of stinks because I could have had a little piece to hold on to… It is VERY expensive though.
Im having my first ultrasound on May 22nd. Im praying with ALL of my might that there will be a good heartbeat. If I kept track of everything right, I SHOULD be 6 weeks and 4 days. SO- pray pray pray.
This is nerve wracking! I cant wait till this class is over cause Im gonna crochet my brains out to relax! wish me luck on staying up all night and studying, I NEED to pass this quiz.
Stay safe little rainbow.
Posted in anxiety, Family, Health, MTHFR, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, School, Work
Tagged babies, baby, child, Children, Clinics and Services, doctor, doctors, health, OB, OBGYN, physics, Pregnancy, prenatal, rainbow baby, Reproductive Health, school, test, testing, tests, ultrasound, United States, Work
Good thoughts, good thoughts lol. Im just all paranoid and freaked out. I called this new OB that I was recommended to see by someone who has the same condition as me. Of course Doctors are too good to talk to their … Continue reading
This amazes me as much as it does you. IM PREGNANT! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. Ok so I’m very excited and so so happy, there is nothing more that I have wanted and it could not have happened at a better time. I am very leery of letting people know but I splurged it on facebook today because Steven was mad that I wasnt telling people. I guess that is good to hear from him but I dont think he knows the terrifying feeling that I have. I am TERRIFIED that something may go wrong. I am only 4 weeks and 2 days but as my husband told me, what matters if you lost the baby at 6 weeks or 36 weeks, people will find out.We live in a close knit town and go to a close knit church and have lets just say, blabber mouth friends tehehe. And this is true, so while this is real and while this is happening I want to celebrate! with all of my insane mood swings and tears, with every ounce of indigestion, with every gas bubble, belly ache, and yes- with every vomit filled morning – I welcome you my rainbow* angel baby! You are the center of my world right now (well, Im still thinking of physics too for about 3 more weeks lol).
What I am scared of – I have MTHFR. This could mean my blood could clot and deprive angel baby of needed bloodflow. So I PRAY with all of my might that every day God will breathe into this baby and give it the life that it needs to meet me in 36 weeks.
I am going to call the doctor tomorrow to ask a few questions. Someone at work who also has MTHFR saw this doctor and said he is the best around and after looking him up online there was not 1 bad review out of every review written (that is a miracle for doctors around here lol).
I need to ask
1. Will I see Dr.F every time when I come in since this is a large practice?
2. Do I come in earlier than recommended because Ive had a previous stillbirth?
3. Do I need to be taking asprin while waiting for my first visit so my blood is not clotted to the baby?
4.What are your hours?
I need to ask the Dr.
1. Am I high risk?
2. Will I be on blood thinners?
3. Will there be any extra monitering?
4. My blood pressure was high, I stopped taking my medicines and its back to normal, should I still be taking the meds or should I just be keeping a record?
5. Why have I been itching on and off for a year? Is it more than stress, I have a suspicion of what it could be since it falls in line with MTHFR mutations but I dont want to freak myself out, how have my past blood works turned out or is there new blood work to make sure that I am ok?
Yes… Im doing this because back to the note-taking it is. Pregnancy brain (fuzziness) has already set in and I have sticky notes with things to do laying all over the house.
OH AND- I bought one of these babies!-
The Sonoline B fetal doppler! I heard its great and I think it will make me feel more at ease, these are must have things for women who have experienced miscarriage and/or stillbirth. I read awesome reviews and it looks like ussually around 9 weeks is when you can hear with this doppler and it shows you the heart rate on the screen = <3.
Ok… I cant think straight lol, Im going to finish studying for my test tomorrow and soak it in and I am more than anxious about talking to the doctors office tomorrow.
Stay safe rainbow baby
*for those of you who do not know: women who have lost a baby and then have another often refer to the following living baby as a rainbow baby.
Rainbow babies: In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as “Rainbow Babies.” The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. “Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.*
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, MTHFR, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, School, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged anxiety, anxious, babies, baby, blood, child, Children, clotting, Death, doctor, family, fetal doppler, happy, health, Home, Im pregnant, Infant Loss, Loss, MTHFR, OBGYN, Pregnancy, questions, rainbow baby, scared, Sonoline B, Stillbirth, stillborn
They were so nice Im very happy that everyone in the office took time to talk to me.
The doctor said to start with, I need to
1. loose 20 lbs. (ugh that sounds so hard, I dont even know what to do)
2. do cardio exercise every day
3. take a vitamin and 1mg of folic acid
4. keep track of my blood pressure.
He said Im too young to be having high blood pressure like I’ve had. He thinks I might have kidney problems like renal stenosis and/or thyroid problems so I have to go get a bunch of blood taken and pee in a bucket for a day (and keep in in an ice bucket) so he can look at all the labs. Im honestly terrified that the results will come back with something scary.
We discussed basically getting in shape, my weird problems, and stevens heart problem. The doctor was concerned about his bicuspid aortic valve and told me that he needs to see a cardiologist since he has not been seeing a doctor.
So anyways, I go back on valentines day for my next appt.
In other news, we were supposed to go on vacation and now…. well now we have all of these unexpected bills from a problem that my husband ran into and i dont think well have money to go now… UGH SO ANGRY. I WANT TO GET AWAY. I just want to cry cause I cant stand it, I need a break. We havnt gone on vacation since our honeymoon almost 2 years ago, and all we did then was take 3 days off and go fishing.
so … thats it for today. I have tomorrow off. I need to crochet, do schoolwork, lose weight, and chillax cause I feel like Im gonna pass out from all this junk.
Ok, its 10 PM… I did my first day of P90X to lose some weight, it was a work out of 1hr. and 15 min. Worked on Chest, back, and abs…. BUT my whole body feels like its going to snap in half lol… WOW I did not realize how NOT in shape I was. This is going to be hard but I have to lose the weight so here it goes. Glad I got through the first of 90 days of pure craziness!
Posted in Health, Infant loss, MTHFR, stillbirth, stillborn, Uncategorized, Vacation, Work
Tagged abs, back, Bicuspid aortic valve, Blood pressure, chest, doctor, exercise, folic acid, Heart disease, Hypertension, P90X, Renal artery stenosis, vacation, Weight loss, work out
I think I finally let go of the anger I’ve been harboring the last couple of months… finally. It does not mean that it’s easy to hear about pregnancies or babies but I have less harsh of thoughts. Christmas evening was very therapeutic.
Thanks to another stillbirth mom blogger, I took her idea of letting off wishing lanterns on the beach. Before we went to the beach, we stopped at the park near home to take some pictures because Steven and I have NEVER taken ANY pictures since our wedding day (almost a year and 9 months ago). It was SO much fun and Im so thankful. My wonderful friend Kayla got a new camera for christmas and snapped these beautiful pictures.
This was just wonderful. It was emotionally uplifting and just gave me a moment to smile which I havnt felt a true one in a while. Steven was in a bad mood at first but when he got to lighting the wishing lanterns he finally came around. Im just ready. Im ready for the new year. Im ready to move on. Im ready to get a house (we are on the search for our permanent home (YAY)). Im ready to start a family.
Two young women came up to us while we were lighting our lanterns and asked me what my wish was, I replied in a desperate and crazy blurting out “BABIES, I want babies!” lol, Now that I look back at that, its funny that I sounded so crazy, but thats what my mind is thinking. A group of Canadians that were down visiting the beach stopped and asked if they could pay us for one wishing lantern. The womans daughter was pregnant and they wanted to wish a healthy baby.My husband said, “you know what its Christmas… here, take one”…. It was God. In that quiet night with crashing waves, God reminded me that babies are still being made, life is still going on, and other people are still existing with beautiful children. And thats ok. I pray God gives us another, but if He dosnt, I pray he keeps me away from the bitterness that is so easy to harbor. It was nice to share this memorial experience with you all.
All for baby Seth.
Posted in death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, MTHFR, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged babies, baby, beach, Christmas, Death, family, God, Holidays, Infant Loss, jesus, memorial, photography, Pregnancy, pregnant, Stillbirth, stillborn, wishing lanterns
Warning other stillbirth moms: old pregnant picture at the end if you dont want to see, you might not want to read.
Just havnt been in the mood to blog lately… plus ive been so busy.
Some days are harder than others. Ive been keeping very busy with crocheting to pass time. Its hard. Its finally the time when all of the rest of my friends are having babies or trying to. Its just not fair. I still feel like crap to be honest. I have good days of course but I have bad days. Im just tired of these empty arms.Thursday I went to a dinner for work that had to do with reps selling this medicine and I saw a pregnant girl across the way. She was happy and smiling and prancing around. Honestly… I hated it. It was aggravating. I wanted to ask her to stop being annoying. I completely saw me in her. I remember laughing and my belly was so big that it jiggled up and down like Santa’s…
I guess my blogs have seemed pretty negative lately. I think its just with Christmas coming up and all thats going on at home, Im just not ready to face it. Thanksgiving was hard but Christmas will be harder.
Steven said hes not ready still. Its aggravating. I want to be pregnant again. I still hurt and I feel like thats the only way Im going to move on some. I want to be pregnant again. I want to feel a baby in my tummy. I want to throw up and feel dizzy all over again, and pee my pants, just so I can have my own baby to hold like everyone else. People who dont deserve kids, who treat their kids wrong, or give them up, or do drugs, or cant provide… they all got to have healthy babies. I just wish Steven would get over it. Were never going to have everything we want before we have a kid so cant we just do it now. We literally have everything from the baby shower. Crib, dressers, clothes, diapers, toys, bottles,…. everything. Im just obssessed and crazy about it and everything that has to do with babies hurts my feelings anymore.
Yesterday a box of infant enfamil formula and coupons came in the mail. It hurt. I took my name off of all junk mail registries so this wouldn’t happen and… it still did. We went to the mall yesterday and walked by Motherhood Maternity. I looked in and saw this laughing couple struggling to find which giant shirt fit this lady’s tummy the best… anger….
I dont want to say Im getting bitter but the longer I go with no hope that Steven will ever be ready to have a baby again, the longer I will feel angry. Its upsetting to hear every time I ask, “No I dont know when Ill be ready, we dont have to have children”… seriously… Its different being the mom. I felt being pregnant, I felt the baby move, all of 8 months. Its not like I just met him and left him and that was all I had of him. I grew a relationship with Seth. I would set my phone on my stomach and play old hymns to him and he would roll around and kick my phone off my stomache. I would lay in bed and roll to one side and feel his feet push against my ribs as he stretched out. I would stand for a long time and sit down to feel him perform his kickboxing moves. I just miss him.
I dont really have any hope for having more kids and that’s aggravating. I miss him. Im not ready for Christmas. I just want to stay home these next couple of weeks and lay in bed and relax so my nerves stop freaking out. I miss everything I was supposed to have. If I dont get pregnant soon I just feel like I have nothing. And getting pregnant is not an option when your husband dosnt want to.
So to my future baby,
I wish it was easy as Mary and Joseph in that first Christmas season, no man action required, just faithfulness and…viola- baby. You’re big brother is my heart beat. His name, life, and presence, was my everything. I just dont want to do it without you. I feel so lonely even though I had this same life before Seth and was very content. Im not anymore. Its selfish, but Im not. Get in Stevens head and just convince him its ok. I cant go another Christmas without you here. We have all this stuff waiting for you. I dont care if youre a girl and you have to wear all boy stuff, cause you will strut it baby doll. I dont care if your a boy and you look just like your big brother. I just want you healthy and here. Im okay with throwing up and peeing my pants and aching. Ill take it! Ill be happy about it this time! Christmas isnt all about family but its the thought of what you where supposed to be sharing at Christmas. Its hard. I hope I do not pass this gene to you and it is not difficult for you to have kids. I dont know how anyone could live without having a child of their own. When God sends you down here. Make it to me this time. I need to hold you soon. I miss this
P.S.- Thanks to Living absolute’s blog, I just bought some wishing lanterns to light on Christmas night at the beach…. Hope my husband doesn’t kill me for spending more money 🙂
Posted in anxiety, crochet, death, Family, Health, Infant loss, MTHFR, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged babies, baby, child loss, Christmas, crochet, Infant Loss, Pregnancy, pregnant, Santa Claus, Stillbirth, stillborn