Category Archives: Music

Everything You’ve Heard

Things have been ok lately. Im just stressed as always. the usual. School, money, dumb arguments .. dumb things.

Im just so nervous all the time.

I have to sing this Sunday again, I am nervous of course but I have to tell myself I will do fine. It will be hard, Sunday is the 25th. 6 months since I last saw Seth. It was on a Sunday like this coming one, that I was becoming the other kind of mom. I hope I dont cry through the song and I hope I do it justice. The words are probably what I need to hear.

I went and saw Seth yesterday. I laid down on the ground and turned my phone up the loudest it could go and played him the song Im going to sing this week. When I was pregnant with him I would put my phone on my belly and play hymns and he loved it, he would kick and roll, it was my favorite memory.

please listen to this.

Its another hard week. My eyes are dark and heavy and I’m tired.

The weekend is almost here.

Advertisements

Can you tell Im nervous?

This is my third post about singing today so I bet you can tell its geting to me.

Besides my beautiful sister who will always be my best friend (and whom Im lucky to have and I love with all of my heart), I am lucky to have met another wonderful friend. Id say at least 7 years ago, cause I know I knew her in 8th grade. Kayla- you encourage me so much. You know exactly what to say. God has used you and your spiritual maturity to bless me. Even though you have not been through some of the “adult” situations that I have- you always know what to say and do for those situations and why is it? Because you follow God and listen to His voice. God will and is using you. Thank you for thinking of me this morning as I’m trying to get myself together. I want to sing with passion and clear and unafraid and bring people closer to the Lord. She sent me these verses:

Isaiah 25:1

 1 LORD, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness
you have done wonderful things,
things planned long ago.
and

Isaiah 43:2-4

2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.

and

Isaiah 41:1

10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Thank you Kayla for being such a good friend and encouraging by faith. God has gifted you with such positivity and encouragement. These verses are exactly what I need, I need to live them out by faith.

Count down in 2, 1, 0….

I would be a fool to say I’m not nervous about singing on Sunday. It’s weird. I have no fear of acting on stage but I just have the hardest time taking my mind somewhere else when I sing.I’m shaking, have an upset stomach and my nerves are shot but in order to do well, you have to tell yourself that you are good. Here it goes. I better do it now cause I only have one full day left before its D-day.

I can do this. I’m a good singer. I have the range to successfully do this song without being nervous. My voice won’t crack. My nerves wont make me a wreck. I will not shake. I will have complete control of my breathing. I will not be uncomfortable. I will not focus on all the people in the audience. I will worship to God. Everyone wants me to do well. There is no competition. I will be fine and have enough support. There is nothing to be scared of. I’m doing what I enjoy doing best. Singing. I will not be afraid and I will use the right dynamics. Im going to close my eyes, stand tall and let go of my voice and let it do what it does best. The crowd wont stare or care whether or not I do well.

There is NOTHING to be nervous about. This is just an expression of a hobby of mine. Everyone knows the song already and they are probably going to sing along anyways…..

(ok, I said it, NOW I need to BELIEVE it… FAST lol)

Heres some stuff I found on this website.

http://www.singingmastermind.com/nervous-singing-nervous-shaking/

You have to change your mindset

Your mindset has to do with getting rid of anxious thoughts about your life, about what people will think, about how you will sound and simply listen to the music inside of you.

What you believe about yourself will cause you to panic or pull it together and that all starts way before you get up to sing.  It starts with a silent place inside of you, that place that makes you want to sing.  Remember that singing is natural.  The thing that happens that is unnatural is how we let everyone else’s opinion mess us up inside.

Think about what it was like to sing when you were a child, before anyone ever said anything unkind to you about your singing.  Did you care what anyone thought?  No, of course not.  You only cared after someone messed with your head.  So now you have to undo that junk and get the right kind of singing mindset inside of you.

So, when you sing, don’t think about what everyone else is thinking.  Think about your singing breath, think about relaxing your shoulders, focus on a “tunnel” in front of you to send your breath through, focus on how singing makes you feel good, how much you enjoy singing, how you LOVE singing.

Forget about everything else and just focus on singing!

I really need to practice believing in myself and just focusing on the fact that I like to sing, I should not let others people’s opinions scare me out of it. Why should they get to steal that joy from me?

First Crochet Project

I have to blog NOW! :D….

I FINISHED MY FIRST CROCHET PROJECT EVER!!! YAY! This is so exciting to say that I made something – WOOT! Here is the final scarf, like I said- I’m going to give it to Steven’s little cousin who’s 5, I hope she likes it lol.

You do not even know how excited I am lol.

*sigh*… pretty pathetic but I love it <3.

So today went by pretty fast. Work was pretty steady so that was nice (and the doctors were in a good mood in the ER tonight so that made things even better). I did an EKG on a young lady tonight and she said she had stomach pain. Her and her significant other sat there awkward and quietly as I continued and all of a sudden the young man burst out in a slightly fearful tone “shes 11 weeks pregnant, will this harm the baby”. I replied “no, but it’s always good to ask, don’t be afraid to even question the doctor”…. The room got quiet and when I was done and cleaning up I just wanted to comfort her, I know she was scared. I said “11 weeks huh? That’s exciting… It will be great”. She replied shyly “Yea, thanks”… I’m sure she was ok.

Later in the office I was editing some read EKG’s and my stomach twitched, it was the EXACT same feeling as the baby kicking. I smiled for a second and thought, “he’s kicking!”… and then sighed… I forgot for a small moment that I’m not pregnant anymore. Two months later and I still sometimes forget…

I am starting to get a sore throat, I hope it goes away really fast cause I have to sing in a couple of weeks. Who likes to be sick… maybe its the change in air, its starting to get a little dry.

Tomorrow I’m going to have lunch with my friend (Erin) from high school. I miss her so much :). She better move back here whenever she finishes college cause its not fun being so far away! Im pretty excited about that.  I’m also excited that Steven is coming home early this week from work because they just have a little bit left. :).

I better do some homework, I have a lot this week and I feel a head cold coming on ugh.

When I am far away from home
and the cold wind starts to blow
when I’m empty and alone 
I turn to you

When there’s hardness in my heart
and i cannot see truth
and i’m wandering in the dark 
I turn to you

and here in your holy presence its all that i can do

I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you Lord

For the youth when I am old
For the strength when I am weak
For the warmth when I am cold
I turn to you.

For the faith to move ahead. 
and to let go of the past.

To see me as you do. 
I turn to you. and here in your holy presence
Its all that I can do.I turn to you Jesus
I turn you LordFor you alone are worthy the one and only God the ruler of the nations and the father of our hearts

I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you Lord
I turn to you you you you Jesus
I turn to you Lord

When I’m weak I will follow. 
In your arms I will stay. 
Will you lead me’ 
only you can save. 

I turn to you Jesus 
I turn to you.

Fear not… You are God alone

For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind…..

Today was Sunday of course. We went to church. After the choir sang worship the kids group came up and sang a thanksgiving song and right before they sang the little kids walked up and said what they were thankful for. One little boy walked up and slurred out “I’m thankful for my family”. Steven burst into tears. I could not help it, I just bawled. I am thankful that my husband does express his emotions, especially because he does not do it a lot. He left halfway through the kid’s song and I met him in the foyer after we did the choir special. We eventually made our way back into the service.

What drives you… What inspires you… What makes you wonder, think, what is on your mind most of the time.

I have found that fear is. It’s so unfortunate. I am drowning in fear and anxiety. I fear that these stabbing pains and itching is something worse than what I think, I fear that I will pass away without someone by my side, I fear Steven will get hurt while he’s out working during the week, I fear getting pregnant, I fear having another baby, I fear not having enough money, (this one is irrational ->) I fear not having enough food and water. I REALLY fear SINGING in front of other people. Its like public speaking for me but worse, I don’t have any idea why.

Tonight in choir practice I laid my fear aside and sang the solo that I was given but I was still shaking and I was not in front of hundreds of people or holding a microphone or standing. I just sat in the corner all slumped over and closed my eyes and worshiped. It was the best and most true worship I’ve had in a long time and it felt good. BUT, I’m still terrified to sing in front of all those people with a mic and standing in a couple weeks.

What is there to be so afraid of? I don’t understand why I let this literally suck me up and suffocate me. I just feel anxious. I just don’t feel good. I don’t want to be one of those crazy people who has to sit and tell a doctor everything I feel so they can suppress my emotions and turn me into a zombie. I don’t want to be another statistic. I want to be like everyone else who can control their own anxious feelings.

I love school and work and church and choir and crocheting and reading and drawing and painting… *phew* I wish I had enough time to really enjoy them all thoroughly though :(.

This week comes one of the most loved American Holidays! THANKSGIVING. I’m so sad that I have to work 2-10pm. I don’t think I’ve EVER worked on thanksgiving :(. Oh well… I took it so I could have Christmas off. I LOVE thanksgiving food! I’ll miss all of my family in LaBelle. Christmas though, We will be there.

Speaking of Christmas, here’s the tree I helped Krista put up, she did the lights though.

Its kind of funny in reality that we put trees inside of our houses for Christmas…

Here is the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree she found at home depot I think it was, anywho- Its CUTE!

Ugh I love it, brings back all of those childhood Christmas show memories.

And then there is the scarf I crocheted. My FIRST REAL project finished lol. Ok, its REALLY small so I’m giving it to a 5 year old because maybe she’ll appreciate the shortness of it lol.

Im working on putting a flower on the bottom of it now :). Heres the video that I’m watching.

I checked out my new classes work a few minutes ago- WHOA its a ton of work and its going to be a loaded class but I’m hoping I breeze through it. Ill start on the work tomorrow I want to relax tonight.

So Its been a long crazy day. I am just going to relax, crochet, and enjoy my beautiful husbands presence before he leaves for work tomorrow :(. I have to work ALL week (besides Tuesday) and ALL weekend so its going to be a long week. I miss that man already and he’s not even gone yet. I am feeling a little bit better tonight than I was earlier today. I hope it stays around. Im just going to try and keep a worshipful mind and stay calm.

* And dear Lord, I know your not a soda machine, so I’m asking this as humbly as I can. Can you make me feel better and help us get everything worked out financially fast so we can have a baby. I miss my boy Seth and Steven wants to “be stable” and “ready” before the next one… if you even allow us to have another.

Amen*

You are not a God
Created by human hands
You are not a God
Dependant on any mortal man
You are not a God
In need of anything we can give
By Your plan, that’s just the way it is

[chorus]
You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

You’re the only God
Whose power none can contend
You’re the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You’re the only God
Who’s worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And that’s just the way it is

[chorus]

[bridge]
Unchangeable
Unshakable
Unstoppable
That’s what You are

You love me anyway

Today I have been more than anxious. I suppose it is my anxiety getting the best of me. I have had bad chest pain for days. Thankfully I do EKG’s for a living, so I did one a couple weeks ago when I was having chest pain and of course it looked fine. It’s just scary. My body has had stabbing pains here and there since I got home from the hospital. Headaches, hard to breathe (feels like my throat is closing and I can’t get a breath), fatigue, numbness, clammy. I can’t stand it, It makes me feel so helpless and especially when I’m at work I just want to go home and cry so I will fall asleep and forget that I’m feeling anxious. I am scared of doctors, even though I talk to them all day. I do not want to take medicine that will turn me into a zombie or gain weight. It sounds selfish and childish huh? Who would not want to feel better? I really do want to feel better but I feel like there has to be some other way. Can’t I control it myself? I have been fighting this for years. Actually, it’s been a long scary battle since about the age of 10. It’s terrifying, to live in fear. I fear death, illness, accidents, loneliness, infertility, instability… It doesn’t go away.  I try to breathe, I try music, and I try praying, reading…. I’m not going to lie, knowing my Jesus is near helps but why doesn’t he take it away? Will I have to live like this forever? I really fear now that I will “throw a clot” in ER nursing terms (lol). This MTHFR, which I shouldn’t worry about like I do, really does have effects on my life, such as never using birth control (what if I have a kid when I’m forty??? I don’t really want that), being at risk for other medical issues- it’s just scary.

I bought this music from “Bed Bath and Beyond”

It’s beautiful. I listened to the Yellow one when I was pregnant and when I was in labor. It’s hard to listen to that one again because I vividly remember my labor and the hospital and Seth when I hear that CD. I bought the other two tonight because I liked the first one so much. I think they are the coolest CD’s I’ve ever bought. I guess I’m turning into a real mom- listening to old boring fogies piano music that has no words lol :).  They are just so beautiful and calming. I am such an art hippie at heart. I could sit and bask in art and music any day. I will listen to almost anything and look at almost any artwork and be amazed and caught up. I can critique and find deeper meanings for hours. I can be inspired and let my mind wander for hours. It’s beautiful. I miss making time for art. I miss painting and drawing. I pray I will never forget to pick it back up when I am all finished with school (school and work and husband eat my time away).

Today was my mother-in-laws birthday. Happy birthday Krista! Thank you for giving me my wonderful husband! Steven and I picked out this cookie jar for her yesterday :D, it’s so cute.

She told me tonight that she bought P90X so lol.. maybe I can join in and lose this baby fat. That will be fun (but hard core).

I also bought my mom her birthday present tonight, of course I can’t tell yet what it is but yeah, it’s almost here momma, November 28th!

I finally finished my first class at Keiser! I am so excited. I think I got an A but I have to wait till grades are posted, I hope I got an A! I start my next class on Monday so I WILL enjoy this weekend off work with no school :). I am going to practice crocheting, maybe see an old friend this weekend, clean, and maybe put up the Christmas tree. (I am still working on my book from Angie Smith. I know it’s taking me forever but I’m almost done, I’ve just been so busy with school, work, choir, crocheting (or trying to learn how). It’s also a book that you cannot read all at once, I cry every time I read more of it.

I really am getting anxious about Seth’s headstone coming in. I want to see it. I also am waiting for a call from the hospital to see the pictures they took of Seth; they are waiting for them to come in. I’m not sure I’m ready to see them but I miss him and I want to see him one more time. I’m sick of looking at the same few pictures I have, I feel like I need to see him some other way, it makes it seem like he’s still around if I can see him in some more pictures other than what I have seen over and over these last couple of months.

There is no way we are ready to have another baby but I can’t stand seeing all of that baby stuff we have sitting there not being used. I don’t want to give it away. I want to use it. I want to use every bit of it up till it’s worn out completely. I don’t want to put anything away. I want it up.

My dear next child, you are not a replacement and I don’t want you ever to think that. When God decides it is the right time for you to come along, we will love you with all of our hearts. You will change my life forever. Don’t ever give up. Don’t ever be weak. You were made for God’s glory. You were made to survive and be here for your mommy and daddy. You were not made to help me forget about Seth. You will not fill the void Seth left. There is a reason he left a mark. Only people who impact others in a significant way will leave a mark that makes you think of them EVERY DAY- Seth was one of those people. There’s a reason I think of him every day, because he changed me. He gave me the desire to have more kids. I always said no more when I was pregnant with him but look; here you are, waiting for God to send you to me. Keep me busy my next child, keep me focused and waiting for you. Will you take away some of my anxiety? When you decide to come, don’t let me fear through my pregnancy. Just come, healthy and beautiful. Boy or girl, defect or not (although I will definitely not complain for a healthy peewee), I will love you just the way you are because God made you fearfully and wonderfully just for me. You will be my love. You already are.

Love,

Momma.

I have not forgotten about you Seth nor will I ever. You were my first. You are the reason I’m here today. You are my story. You are my life. I breathe so I can think of you. You are my son. I am your mom. I promise to never forget you. I could never go one day, not even one second without you crossing my mind. You were the baby we were all anxiously waiting for, the one we anxiously held in our arms, and anxiously said goodbye to. Sometimes I feel like phone-ing you in heaven and just chatting. I just want to know how you’re doing even though I know you’re being taken care of perfectly; it’s the mom in me. Are you eating right, are you sleeping enough, are you cold? Stupid questions but that’s what earthly moms ask their earthly children :). You wouldn’t know because you were too beautiful for earth. Tell your poppa, my poppa and baby Eli Rolle we miss them.

All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking 
ground
Yes then, I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes,You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

Without you

I guess Friday didn’t go so bad, I just stayed busy. Went to the wedding, it was nice, took me all day to get ready, I just couldn’t get moving. My sister and I went together.

Courtney is just about the love of my life lol. I would never ask for a better friend than my little sister. I cant believe my baby sister is graduating and joining adulthood this May… whoa!

Heres some pictures from the wedding

^most adorable favorite cousin who should be my sister; Lashay

Anyways, it was nice. I actually recorded LaShay singing at the wedding reception but for some reason its not uploading to youtube so Ill have to post it later maybe.

I’ve been stressed lately. Between work – we’re just so behind in a lot of stuff and I just don’t know what to do to catch up, and then- this solo at church. I’m freaking myself out. Its a hard song. We practice this Wednesday night and I just don’t know if this was the right decision for me to sing it. I’m just having a hard time, I feel like my voice has changed since having the baby. I definitely don’t sing like I used to. Been stressed about this car situation that we’re having. Stressed about needing health insurance. Bills… you know, all the normal stuff that everyone is stressed about.

Ive been working on my crocheting… let’s just say, I need to work more lol.

The left is the third attempt at a scarf, the right is my latest 4th attempt. Its not easy and I have no clue what I’m doing and what I’m doing wrong.

At least the 4th attempt is better but the stitches are just not clean.

With work, school and choir and learning this crocheting stuff I’m very busy but I still feel pretty void.  I still feel very a lone with Steven working. I’m pretty sure a baby is not in our future for a while… hard to swallow. I think about it all the time and the girls at work talk casually about when they want to have more kids. Sometimes it makes me mad that they complain about the ones they have now- at least yours is alive… whatever.

Steven finally talked a little bit to me this weekend. He is still shocked that Seth is gone. He still doesn’t want to go to church because he cant imagine anything but the funeral happening there. He said this week at work when he was in the truck he wept when he heard this song. It’s been ALL over our radio stations.

I won’t soar, I won’t climb
If you’re not here I’m paralyzed without you, without you

I can’t look, I’m so blind
Lost my heart, I lost my mind without you without… You.

He said he just can’t imagine what life is going to be like without Seth after all of the wondering what it would be like with him.  I know hes hurting. He gets mad because he doesn’t see me hurting and I always let him know, for 5 days out of the week you don’t see me, guess what I’m doing on those 5 days… probably crying. Its hard to grieve your child when the two of you are doing it at separate times and are at different levels.

I really really really want a vacation. I want to go to Alaska…. vacation, I don’t see that in the near future either. I just need to get away and not think about anything for just a couple of days, thats all I want. I just need to get away from myself for just a little while.

I cooked chicken and rice and pasta tonight so Id have food for the week because I dont really have time to cook every night.

Well, I didnt write anything exciting today, I just feel like mush. Im going to do my homework, call my husband (if hes in the mood to talk), and go to bed.