Its Halloween

So today I was having a hard time.

Steven is out of town working (thank God for work, we needed it), but I wanted to spend the day with him.I wanted to take a Halloween decoration to Seth’s grave, but it was raining. Its been raining all week and I haven’t been able to go see him. I walked to the mailbox in the rain upset when I woke up. To my lovely surprise the necklace I ordered from Etsy.com came in!

I am so excited! Its beautiful, better looking than I imagined. I am going to wear this necklace every day for the rest of my life! The chain that it came with was actually a very good one but I put it on my gold necklace since that is the one steven gave me when we were dating and I saved the original chain in the box. I was surprised to see it. It was supposed to take two weeks but it only took one. So anyways, that made my day quite a bit.

We carved our pumpkins a little early but I had the best time doing it! It was my first pumpkin carving. I carved the owl :-).

I cant believe its Halloween. These next few days will be hard. Its hard to think that this could have been Seth’s first Halloween. His due date was exactly 11 days from today, Oh my word, imagine how thrilled I would be right now.

I sat in his room for a little while last night. there is so much stuff in there. So many little clothes. I was ashamed for thinking this but I am not anymore after thinking about it. I don’t want him to be cold and wet so I have come to hate the rainy days and this cool fall. I thought – how stupid and un-theological is that, but- how un-theological is it that we go visit a grave. A body with a person that is not there anymore. It is only the human in us. It is only the mom in me. Sometimes when I am really tired, I find myself holding my arms in a cradling position. When I go to bed I see his hand and wake up when my hand reaches out to touch his and it just rubs against the bed. I want so bad to share pictures with you of my sweet baby but at the same time I don’t want to loose him. Its such a weird feeling. I just feel like there’s still a piece of him left and its the last piece and I don’t want it to all be over after his face is out there. Its hard to explain that your a mom with no baby. I have all of this baby stuff and I just want so bad to have another baby. My heart says I’m ready but my head says not yet. Of course my lovely Steven, I must care about his feelings too. I can tell he misses Seth. He took the words out of my mouth yesterday. I noticed he was uncomfortable at church yesterday and he left the service a little early to go sit in the truck. When I got there he managed to get out “every time I look at that alter, all I see is his casket”. “Me too” I said. No matter how many flowers or pumpkins or decorations go up there I’ll always see his tiny little casket laying up there.

Its not getting easier, but what can you do. I’m not gonna lie, It hurts to hear about everyone else’s pregnancy updates, showers, pictures, big bellies, kicks…. But there’s no reason to stay away from that for my whole life, I don’t need to make my “triggers” worse, which there seems like there are a lot.

I hope that there are many beautiful children out there tonight that get to enjoy this Halloween and their parents really really cherish them. Every breath, step, word, and beautiful big eyed looks. They are your gift, your reason. Never take them for granted.

I’m not going to make it to the cemetery today. I really want to but with just me working I don’t really have the money in gas and decorations to go out there. Maybe I can visit on the way to work this week since its not really out of the way.

I have some homework I need to catch up on but I want to leave you with a beautiful song I found. I am reading Angie Smith’s book “I will carry you” that she wrote after losing her daughter. It makes me cry really bad, lol, but she has so many beautiful truths from the Bible in it. Her husband is the lead singer of Selah and they wrote this song in memory of their daughter that they never got to bring home. These are their pictures from the hospital

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but i’m not
Truth is i’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

i’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One who’s chosen Me
To carry you