Category Archives: Rainbow baby

A Growing Girl.

You can tell when I come back to my blog and when I need it because I write like a maniac about how I can’t keep going lol.

School is getting more intense. I am now in my acoustic physics class and DYING to pass this so I can get on with everything. The book work surprisingly comes way easier than the scanning, but all in time, scanning can be learned.

Above all, I love my daughter more than scho0l. I wish I could spend time with her but I really want to finish this so I can support her with everything she could ever want. When I look at her she melts my heart. She is so cute and so lovable. Im already getting sad that she is getting bigger and wants me to hold her less. I just want to squeeze her all day long (even if she does puke or poop all over me).

Father’s day was fine until today. I sort of broke down a little after class, on my way to work.  I of course miss my daddy. You see all over facebook pictures of people’s dad’s. I wish I could see him again and have him hold Brea…

I miss Seth. Seth is the little man who first made my husband and I parents. He is the little guy who made our worlds, made us happy, made us cry, made us who we are.  He led me down this path of ultrasound. He gave me hope to move on with my future even when it seemed like nothing else was going to work for me. This month Brea will be 6 months. Seth would have been 21 months… Almost 2 years old. My little boy who I desperately wanted first…. I cannot believe it… Two years, where did the time go? it seems like just yesterday my life changed.

I remember finding out that I was pregnant, it was a scary moment. Soon after that, it was the best moment. Ill never forget the 8 long months that I knew my son, it was the best 8 puking months of my life!

If you wonder how I am getting through physics or how I am getting through this awful school load and work and baby managing… it is because of my son (and daughter), mom, and dad. These people gave me a reason to live. Gave me a reason to keep going. I just want to do something to make a difference in people’s lives, and most importantly- I want to do this because I want to remember Seth. I want to remember and relive every second I had with him…

No one knows until they have lived it. They think scanning is all fun and games till you experience real life. They think life is all fun and games until they experience moments…. Moments that change your life. That moment when a complete turn around happens in your mind. If you dont make the turn around positive, It will consume you with an awful depression.

Of course I still get upset when people yell at me or get disappointed in me, mostly because of what I have gone through, I just dont want to feel hurt anymore. I have learned to get over it and try to move on. I must make myself happy and do the right thing.

I guess I figured if I could not get encouragement at this moment for this class then I wanted to make it on my own and remind myself why I am doing this.

This is my encouragement. This is my love . <3.

besides all of my ranting— about Brea

-she can babble to anyone for hours. She grabs her feet all of the time. She scratches everything all of the time (bed, skin, shirts… idk it is weird). She tries so hard to crawl but cant. She holds her bottle till it falls out of her hand lol. She can sit up with support, almost by herself. She knows when  she is talking to mamma. She can scoot out of her chair and onto the floor. She has 2 animal blanket rattle things lol, a monkey and zebra- she LOVES those things. She loves her sing-a-ma-jigs, she laughs when they sing and she tries to eat their noses. She pushes away from me when I hold her except when she is tired first thing in the morning or sick. She hugs me when she is tired. She always welcomes kisses with an open mouth :). She is getting some meat on her and is sooo beautiful.

I love this girl :D.

Welcome baby!

Its been such a long time because— you guessed it- Brea was born!!!!!!!

I have had such a hectic 3 weeks that I feel very much like I have lost 10 years of my life.

It was so hard to keep it a secret, I didnt want to come out and write my induction date (because we wanted to soak up Brea to ourselves in those first hours) but I was induced at exactly 38 weeks for my hypertension and I was ready. Brea was born on December 28th at 11:49 AM.  My pitocin started at 4:50 AM and I was 4cm dialated coming into the hospital. at 7:40 the Doctor came in and broke my water, my mother in law showed up soon after. My mom showed up around 9:30 (she was not feeling well  so she came later) when my contractions were getting a little out of hand. I was breathing through them but with much difficulty. At 10 AM I begged for an epidural, I was 6 cm then. 10:30 AM the epidural was in and it was AMAZING- no regrets, I totally felt better. the nurse checked me and I went to 10 cm in just that time that I was getting the epidural done. Around 11 AM I started to push and with each contraction (because I felt the urge very much to push).Steven stood on my left and held my leg and whispered how amazing I was doing. My mother inlaw held my right leg because my mom was in a lot of pain (but I know my mom would have loved to) Im glad my mom stood right next to me on the right and told me how close Brea was.  I was so excited that she was finally coming so I pushed with all my might :). My doctor came through the door at just the right time (after he had been drug stat to another room on his way to delivering my baby). Speaking of, I love my doctor,  he was great with the delivery and care of the pregnancy and baby… I pushed about 3 times once the doctor was there and there she was, screaming in my arms. I couldnt help but cry. We all cried. It was the best moment of my life. My baby was here, moving, screaming, and breathing. She was all mine now. Every one on the whole floor seemed excited for me. The nurses took the baby and cleaned her, Steven went with them 🙂 (he was very sick that day and night but he was totally involved and excited). Brea’s face and arm was bruised just from the way she came out of the birth canal but she was perfect either way. I didnt sleep for the next two nights. Overwhelming fear of her choking, not eating, and me not knowing what to do kept us both up. I winded up sleeping for like 1 whole hour with her in my arms in the bed, I dont care what the nurses said, I was going to hold her if I wanted.

We stayed from Friday to Sunday and we needed all the time we could get at the hospital so we could get all of those first time parent questions answered. We were clueless and completely fearful. But this was the most exciting time of our life.

We went home Sunday afternoon and on New Years went back to the hospital because Brea’s eye was infected and her Jaundice was terrible. They ran tests and admitted her due to the high bilirubin. She had to be kept under UV lights with these goggle things on her eyes. I was a mess. I cried all night long and I was exhausted- pumping and feeding EVERY two hours on the dot. Finally at 2 AM I broke down and called my mom and cried into the phone for about 10 minutes before I heard this desperate “Im so sorry, I wish I could be there for you right now”.

Automatic fear… I heard something in my momma’s voice that I have never heard before…. At that same time, my mom was across town, in the main hospital. She had been in pain for months and finally had it. She went to the ER and they told her that they found cancer. I lost it when she just said “I have to tell you something”…. I knew already what it was. I fell in my chair in that hospital peds room and screamed. (To this day I do not know how no one else heard me and came to check on me). I cried so hard that my face was puffy and  tomato red… How could I be sitting here complaining about getting no sleep and not knowing how to handle this baby (the thing I have prayed for all this time) while my mom was sitting alone in a hospital stretcher waiting to be moved to the oncology floor. How could I. How could this happen? This is the woman who is my ENTIRE world. She taught me everything. She grew me up. Taught me everything I know. Without her I would have not survived  Without her I would be an orphan. Without her I would be incomplete. She is a beautiful woman, strong, courageous, my mentor. I love her. I cant wait till she gets better.

We have yet to 100% find out where the cancer is coming from but they think it is from the uterus (which they removed). (The cancer has moved to the lung).  She has an appointment with the oncologist on the 30th.

So now you know how my last three weeks have gone. I have been running back and forth to mom’s house to see her with the baby. The baby is good medicine to her. I love my daughter and I hope to be here for a long time for her so I really plan to start changing my lifestyle.

I bought this book to share with my mom called the cancer-fighting kitchen and it has a bunch of cancer fighting foods in it. I would like to make something out of it once a week at least and phase out my diet to include healthy foods. I also will promise myself to get my pap done every year for my mom’s sanity sake.

I start school in a few months… days are just flying by. Feed, burp, change poop, bathe. Theres no time for anything else, I barely get time to take a shower. I love it all so much, it is just stressful and very very sleep depriving. I dont remember a night where I got more than 4 hours of sleep (broken up or not).

At least we have a good baby… except for some colic shes adorable and barely makes trouble.

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Monsters reap what they sow

So this week I’ve made it to 37 weeks! My specialist still wants me to deliver at 38 weeks and my OB is not flying with that, he wants 40 so I just wish the baby would get out, the fighting over when she gets here stresses me out.

Meanwhile I am an anxious person anyways. Trying to work out bills, doctors visits, cleaning… you know, for an anxiety ridden person its all stressful in itself. but… I have been most concerned with others’ burdens. I have been told plenty of times that I have my own life to take care of but I cannot leave people to be miserable though if I love them. Its just in my tender heart to get them out of their mess. Especially when your family is so huge and you feel this way way to often- it’s sad.

I am thankful that I have a husband who’s heart is full of love, kindness, and help. He would do anything for anyone and I have found that out in the last year. I dont know how I could have ever missed seeing that in him (not that I have but glad that I have recognized it more and thanked him for it). Maybe he spoiled me too much because I think everyone’s relationship should be our way and I get upset when someone has anything less.

You know when you love someone sooooo sooo much that it literally hurts. It really really hurts when you love them that much and their quality of life is that of a caged dog- with a monster owner who is two faced with multiple personalities, who decides when they get to eat, when they get toiletries, when they are allowed out, when they can talk to their family (on monitored conversations), the verbal bullying, the constant putting down of you, the bare bare essentials are barely provided, the precious self worth/esteem and emotional health you had being stomped on…. no one should live like that.

I want to tell you- If you have a monster in your house like that, no matter how much they sweet talk, no matter how 2 faced they are, no matter how far they have gotten by by lying about the way they treat you- THEY WILL BE FOUND OUT BY MAN AND GOD. You reap what you sow.  When the ones that love this person are up ALL night wondering if this person is going to make it through the night, that monster will reap what they sow. When a loved one is crying because of the lost relationship they are experiencing because someone else has been convinced that their life will go no where without this monster, that monster will reap what they sow. 

To anyone and everyone that has been mistreated, let that monster know today that the truth is out…

People know who you are. I cant wait till you’re finally confronted one day.  Nothing you do is going to fix it because by nature of habit you will continually do what you do,family won’t forgive you for ruining their lives and emotional state of fear. Unless God changes both of our hearts you will never be anything more than what you have proven yourself to me as.

I want so bad to make this monster go away

to keep the one you love, make them stay.

Instead they choose the monster’s way,

because he knows how to manipulate.

He’ll fix today’s problem to try and win us back,

tomorrow He will be saying things that would make my heart burn- for a fact.

That monster will forever be in our lives and mind,

It’s scary how one animal, one day, can kill everything you had designed.

Christmas is exactly one week away and all I want is a healthy family with a healthy baby and for all of those people out there who are being lied to, to find the truth. That’s it.

Christmas is about Jesus. We usually do a tree and all but it just did not happen this year. There are more important things than a tree and presents this year.

Ready to meet Brea and try to forget about crazy people in this world. Be strong, be courageous, take a step out of the ordinary and take a chance on scary life without someone who has made all your plans for you. It is not my duty to bring them to justice if no one wants to do it, so instead I’ll let it happen the just way- they can reap what they sow.

On a happy note- I will see my precious baby in anywhere from 1-3 weeks and all I want to do is fill her precious head with positive affirmations of our love for her, nothing will stop me from making good things happen for her. Her dad is beyond excited and every day he gets a little more anxious.

Uncharted territory, 34 weeks

Well, We have come to 34 weeks, about the time that I had Seth in September of 2011. From here on out, this is all new to me. The bigger baby, the heavier feeling. It is all very welcome but I am ready to have this baby. Im ready to meet my daugther. I went to my specialist today. He said that everything is looking good but my blood pressure is still borderline at home. I just have to keep taking it daily and all. I asked about the baby’s weight. I am a little concerned because well- the baby is almost 6 pounds!!!! HOLY MOLY. Ok, so shes exactly 5lbs 10 oz to be exact and is 18 in long. Seth was born at 34 weeks and weighed 5 lbs exactly and was 19.5 in long. So The doctor said that she will probably be on the big side of the average scale (shes running in the 80th percentile) but in a way it is good news. HOW?? (a freaked out mother like me would ask lol), he said that usually hypertension causes a baby to be small so at least we know that my blood pressure is not effecting the baby because she is a little large. To that I replied- so what kind of weight are we looking at here?  The doc said that he does not want me to go past 39 weeks (Im measuring a week ahead anyways) so if they schedule me to have the baby between 38 and 39 weeks he’s guesstimating a baby around 8.5 pounds…. (!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT???) lol… I guess it sounds scary but it is only scary because this is really happening, Im so close and Im really going to have a baby :D.  Ill be 38 weks on Dec. 28th and it is my goal to have this baby no later than the 30th lol… Ill be doing all kinds of jumping jacks and squatting and walking. I cant wait- Im 4 weeks away from having this baby (most likely). It would be cute to have a Christmas baby but honestly- I want to enjoy my Christmas food- ugh I cant wait, it just sounds so good thinking about it (the food). Man all of this baby day dreaming is getting me all crazy :).

Wow I have so much to do! washing, fixing the baby’s room up, baby shower…. Speaking of, I am having my baby shower on Saturday. I was not excited until today. (this may get confusing) I work at a hospital, all of our local hospitals (4 of them) are owned by the same company, I work at a central/south location. Well today I went to the main campus downtown (where my mother in law works) because one of the cardiologists was having a baby shower and I made her a little owl security blanket and got her a few gifts. (I freakin love this doctor she is sooooo cute!) Anyways it was so much fun to see her smile and have a good time! I am glad that I went because it kind of put me in the mood for my own; I have not at all been wanting to have a shower. Thankfully my mother in law is helping out with the cake and punch and some early arrivers will help me set up the decoration stuff. Im just so excited that its so stinking close now lol. I feel like I have sooo much to do and so little time to do it! Really my husband is the one who has all the work to do. :).

In home news, we are all moved it, it is not exactly as organized as I want but Oh well, I cant do much at this point with limited bending and such. Aida (our husky), has adjusted well. She sleeps alot but Im soooo glad to see her feeling a little better. I think she was sad about leaving the other dog that she hung out with at my in laws but that was a great growing experience for her. She has had no accidents in the week that she has been here. The only thing is that she was not eating at all… unless is was human food and I didnt want to give her any till she started to eat her dog food. Well FINALLY today I took her for a walk and when we came back she went to her food bowl and ate her food (VICTORY IS MINE!). So proud of my baby girl :). She even has been loving on me and sleeping next to my side of the bed the last two nights because Ive been sick (she never sleeps on my side, she loves her dad so much). I had a fever last night and yesterday I was just sick all day long and she just slept right next to me and never left my side, shes still sleeping next to me as I type this.. I love that girl 🙂

Ok, Ill stop all my crazy talk, I really need a nap so I can rid this awful sinus thing I got going on.

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most wonderful woman in the world, my MOMMA! Im so happy to have you around and I hope it was a good day. I owe you a cake when Im feeling better and I have no chance of contaminating it and getting you sick 🙂

moving on up

Heartburn unbearable- I will post cause I have not been keeping up very well.

As I stay home on medical leave for my blood pressure, I feel guilty (for not contributing to the finances). To combat this feeling I keep busy. Well now we have some more big news that will keep me exhausted till Brea comes.

We’re moving! Not far away, lol, just down the street but it will be nice to get out on our own and have a small place so that Brea can have her own room. We have her crib and junk stuffed between our room and the living room right now. Im soooo nervous for things to work out but I have to trust in God and pray pray pray that He provides work for my hard working husband.

Have I mentioned how proud I am of Steven lately!? He has been working his booty off to make things work for this family. He has moved a ton of stuff around for me (and is about to move more) and he has put up with my whining, and has loved me up. I love him. He’s the best husband/dad.

So now I have a ton to be overwhelmed about, getting everything moved over and organized before this baby is due (in 9 weeks)… I have a very strong feeling that she is coming early too… I have a lot of braxton’s and she is very ready to see her momma :).

OH… and I probably sound like a crazy person but Im so excited- we bought our first ‘serious’ vacuum and Im sooo happy that it works great because the old dinky one we had before dosnt pick up much :p.

anywho, I hope that my nerves can stay in tact and I can handle it all. I know Steven can.

31 weeks and ready to be done with this 😀

some news

So today starts a VERY long 10 weeks. Yesterday when I went to my perinatologist they did an ultrasound and the tech said that everything was looking good. the baby still had her head enveloped and smooshed against my placenta lol, but at least she is head down again. She was 3 lbs 5 oz and 15.9 in long. I will be 30 weeks in a couple of days. Im excited but now Im very nervous because they told me that my blood pressure has slowly been rising in my logs and that they think it is best for me to not continue working. They are specialists, this is their job to make me and the baby stay healthy… but its hard to accept. So starting today Im not working until after delivery. I cried last night before bed, I cried when I woke up today, and I cried when Steven called me. Financially it is scary (I took out short term disability hoping to use it for the baby but now, if I even get accepted, it will be all used up by the time the baby gets here).  What is keeping me sane is the fact that this is my favorite season, my daughter is on her way, and I have a ton of cleaning and preparing to do. What is driving me crazy is, now I have to limit my baby spending, which is my favorite thing to do- baby shop.

Sometime this week I have to complete yet ANOTHER 24 hour urine test to look at my kidney’s and the effect my blood pressure is having on my body (that sucks). Everything is going to be all smooshed into weekly slots now because I see my specialist every Monday and my OB every Thursday until the end.

So I guess the point of me staying home is to lessen my anxiety and my blood pressure so I will try to do my hypnobirthing a little bit every day and keep calm. In 4 weeks, it will be the the same amount of weeks in which I lost Seth. That is going to be hard to cope with. Tip-toeing past every day  from that point, wondering if we’re going to make it.

I feel so guilty for not working because Im not sick, Im just pregnant with high blood pressure. I hope my husband does not feel burdened but I hope too that work continues to pile up for him. He loves to work. He told me the other day that he is glad that work has picked up because it makes him feel like a man and he is glad to be busy. I pray that he gets a full 40 hours of work every week through the end of this medical leave I have to take.

There are jobs I can try to get at the hospital like sitting jobs (sitting with the elderly and baker acts) but if I am being paid by my employer then I am not on FMLA like my specialist requested and they can refuse treatment and my insurance can refuse payment. :(….

I just feel like poop not doing anything productive but I promise to keep up with the housework, finish all of the baby projects I started, and take good care of myself daily now. This will eventually end and I will eventually have my job to go back to, Thank the Lord.

Its almost November :-O…. oh my word, this baby will be here soon.

Brea’s 4D ultrasound

I thought I would be less anxious at this point because now I have an appointment every week and in 2 weeks I will have an appointment 2 times a week with my doctor. Truth is, I am extremely nervous. My arm is on fire today and Im sure that it’s just nerves.

I dont know why I would be nervous, I did this once, I can do it again. I guess Im just realizing that Brea is getting big. She is now 3 lbs. We did our 4D ultrasound and I just cant believe that our little girl is all grown up.

This is happening, we are having a healthy baby girl… Im pretty scared lol. I just want her to be here. I want to love on her and spoil her and have her all to myself.

Gotta get going for work but Ill leave you with my favorite pictures and videos from the ultrasound.