Category Archives: School

My sweet Momma.

I have not been writing what I really feel for the last year because my dear mother had been very sick and she read my blog like a hawk. I loved that. She was battling a very rare and aggressive cancer and I did not ever want it to cross her mind that I was giving up on her fight. I never gave up on her.

Last week On Tuesday March 4th, 2014 (4:32pm) at the sweet tender age of 45, my beautiful mother took her last breath. I do not know how I will survive or go on, or just breathe. Everything hurts. When I look at my phone and see her texts, pictures, her name on Skype, her Facebook, I miss her so bad. My body hurts, my brain hurts. I cannot concentrate. I am 5 months from finishing school and I do not know how I will do this. She was the reason I lived to succeed. Now I have no one to encourage me. She was so proud of me. She was so selfless. the day before she died she asked if I was doing my homework because she was worried that I would fall behind. She was thanking the pastor for taking time away from his family to come see her. She was telling me that she just wanted everyone to know that she was desperate for them to believe in Jesus so they could all see her again. She didn’t complain about her pain, she didn’t complain about dying. I watched the bravest woman ever. There legitimately will never be another woman like her in the world. I hope I live to be just like her. I watched her fight vigorously for 1 year and never stop taking chemo, even though it was not working. She had so much to live for- 2 young daughters and a beautiful 1 year old granddaughter.

Anger, denial…. I dont know. I keep thinking shes just on vacation, she will be back. I keep having nightmares that I am laying next to her on that last day we had together. I keep missing her. I dont want to be a mom, I dont want to be a wife. I just want to be a mourning daughter. But I have to keep going, and it is not fair.

I dont want to eat or drink or see people. I just want to sleep for a very very long time. This is the worst kind of pain. Slowly losing my mother over a year, knowing this day was approaching. Slowly seeing her beautiful body transform into a different sick person.

No one will know. No one will understand. I am 22 and have lost my Father, Mother, and son. How in the world could life be worth living. I know people have had it bad but could anyone really understand the pain?

Every night before bed I pick up my phone and realize that I cannot call my mom to tell her about my day anymore. My best friend. She will not be reading this post. She will not like it, or comment on it. She will not be here to hug me when I cry in bed tonight. What will I do when I’m sick and want her to hold me or when I need someone to believe in me?

I dont need her in heaven. I need her here.

Mom, you were the best mom. I dont believe that you are gone. You were only 45. We were supposed to have the rest of our lives together. We were supposed to go shopping and go on trips and do our hair and exercise together and share my kids, craft, cook…. What happened. Where did it go. I feel so robbed. I feel so lonely. You did everything you could. You never gave up. someone who tried so hard should not be allowed to go. There wasn’t a bad thing about you. We needed more time with you. You were my security. You were my rock. You taught me everything. You never did me wrong. I will miss you. Those are not even enough words to describe how much I hurt. Cancer is ugly and I wish so bad it did not deteriorate you and slowly make your last year intolerable. I wish it was not like this. I dont understand. I am not nearly as strong as I was when I lost Seth. Maybe that has to do with not having you here to support me and put good thoughts in my head. As much as I smile and say I’m good for everyone, I say it because there is no way to explain the emptiness. You were beautiful. I never want to grow old because I don’t ever want to forget one tiny detail about you. There are no words to describe you.

I miss you.

I wish you were reading this.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for another year.

A healthy life.

A beautiful daughter.

Lessons learned.

 

I am feeling very very stuck in a rut with school. It is depressing. The teachers are hard on us, they look down on us. They demean a lot, it is not professional and as an adult it is hard to deal with. It is hard to keep a smiling face and stay relaxed when you feel like you’re being bullied. I came here to vent it all out and realize that I had a great weekend and am very thankful. I am halfway through school, I just need to chug and plug and really try hard to forget all of the stress that this school places on my life and just do things that make me happy. School is not what the world revolves around… it will be ok. I am an adult, I can handle this like one.

Feeling a sinus cold coming on and its making me feel miserable… as you can tell from my negative Nancy writing, I am burnt out, very badly. No one would know unless they were doing this. I wish certain people could get a taste so they could understand for five seconds.

Thanksgiving was good. I went to grandmas and took Brea. Grandma is not looking so well. Then I went to my mother in laws. Brea had a fun filled- food day. She loved seeing everyone’s dogs lol. I did a photoshoot with my cousin and her boyfriend, it went beautifully.

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I got to spend some time with my sister this weekend. She gave me a little makeover (did my hair and makeup) and I felt so good about myself for a little bit, it was wonderful. She did a little indoor photo shoot of me, it was so nice of her. She did especially good considering shes never shot manual before and she had no natural light and not even any artificial light. She worked that camera! p.s.- she made the jewelry and will be selling it soon, Ill have to post a link when she does, She is sooooo crafty!!!

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It was so nice, I didnt want the long weekend to end.

I only have 3 weeks. 3 weeks and this class will be over, I will get a 2 week break, and then Ill have a 2 month clinical rotation.

Christmas is almost here!

Brea is almost 1 !

I cant believe how fast this year flew. How many ups and downs there were. It has just been a blessing to have another year to experience all that I have, no matter how annoyed I am at school or people or situations, I have been blessed.

Thank Jesus for more time with my family. I have been given everything I need. I just need to open my eyes and make the right decisions towards happiness.

Lately I have been missing Seth a lot. I suppose it is Christmas to blame. Another year without my baby. He would have been 2 years and 3 months on Christmas day. Our 3rd Christmas without him, Our first with Brea. What would life have been like with a boy? Im not sure. But none of my friends understand. None of them wonder. It’s ok, It is not everyone’s story, and I certainly don’t want it to be. I guess its around Christmas that turmoil can stir and it makes you think about how much you life has changed. Your personality, your family, your entire life. Hopefully one day it will turn into something good…

well thats enough for tonight. I need to get ready for bed so Im half rested for school tomorrow.

love,

night.

 

Aside

I am soooo close to vacation! I get one week every four months to have off of school (4 of those days are off of work too!). It cannot come soon enough. I am stressing so bad. The only super … Continue reading

A normal old day

I know I haven’t posted in a while but I havnt felt motivated. Nothing is getting done in my house. Its a mess. Im tired. Im hungry. Im sick all the time. Its kind of crappy to be honest but I cant complain so I wont any further.

I’ve just been feeling blah lately. I would love to go somewhere and do something. I really wish I could have a vacation before the baby comes but that is not going to happen. Its hard making the bills let alone doing anything fun when the boys don’t have any work scheduled.

Its hard, I want to be supportive of my husband going after his dreams and owning his own business but in his type of work its all contracts and subject to be taken away at any moment. Its hard. We cant get our own house or plan our own vacations because we may have money this month and literally nothing to scrape by on next month. I wish he could just go back to working a normal job like the rest of us so we can get our own place for the baby’s sake. Its hard. Its humbling. But I love my husband and I will support his dreams. Till the baby comes- then he knows he has to do something cause I will not be able to work full time anymore because school will be starting for me.

The days have been long and its hard for me to get up out of bed. I work 2pm-10pm and I dont get out of bed till 11. That means I have 2 hours to eat and get ready (nothing else gets done unfortunately) and then my day is shot, it sucks. Im just anxious and I deal with anxiety best by sleeping cause then I dont have to think about it. Plus, Im a little stressed about work. I work with the most crazed dementia man I have ever had to deal with. The sound of his voice makes me want to smack him. All he does is complain for 8 hours straight UGH. He’ll be gone for two weeks on vacation starting next week (Thank God) but one of those weeks no one is there to cover and pregnant fat hungry lady cant do it all without getting cranky so we’ll see how well I handle that.

idk… as you can tell my mood is crappy so Ill get going. Trying to be grateful when things are just a big jumbled mess.

Stay safe rainbow.

There go my boys….

And they’re off…. another looong week. Man, I didnt think it would be hard but now Im starting to think, I wont see my husband for another 6 nights. Im so thankful that they have work but so sad that I am emotionally hormonal and will have to deal with these goodbyes for a whole year. I must say, this week- it will be good for me because I need to study because I have 2 quizzez, a final, a paper, and 2 homework assignments all to get done between Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday before I say goodbye to this crazy class! So maybe this week wont be so bad if I dont procrastinate and finish out strong.

I just pray that the boys are safe and they come home soon. I miss them already and they probably left about ten minutes ago.

ok, enough procrastinating, I need to write my paper.

school vent

Im so exhausted I cant wait till this class is over, Im like a zombie forcing myself to get up and do things. I work 2-10 so this morning , in like 20 minutes, Im supposed to meet some girls from school to study. I am just sick to my stomache about this class. I have had hives all week that come and go. I NEED to pass, I cant do this to myself AGAIN for another month. UGHH. The teachers attitude is the worst part, he dosnt put my grades in, accuses me of turning my stuff in late, cheating, and being stupid…… ????? I am an ALL friggin A student, seriously, you think I would try to fail this class on purpose???? Hes so stupid and he does not know how to talk to people at all, its like his brain is programmed and if you throw him a question he panics because he got off track of his lecture… hes so rediculous. I have 2 quizzez, 1 final, 1 paper, and 3 homework assignments left before this class ends next Thursday and I just want to lay in bed and cry. I HAVE to pass this. I dont want to stress the baby out for another month, that is my MAIN concern.

Dear Jesus, PLEASE- all I need is a 70 to pass this class. You know my needs and anxiety level, I cannot do this again, get me through and help me remember and apply all that I have learned (taught myself)!

Stay safe rainbow.

Heres to another morning (sickness)

I think I did well on my physics midterm!Ill find out this morning, if I ever get there. i have 20 minutes till I have to leave and I cant get up, UGH. I am trying so hard to eat but Im just pushing my food around like a child. Im starving but the smell and taste of anything, I gag at just seeing it. I have been just looking at my food crying for ten minutes. sooo hungry.

Im glad I have today off, although I have to clean, grocery shop, and study…. at least I can do it on my own time after school today cause I just feel like throwing up all over.

Stay Safe Rainbow.

P.S.- I took in all of the boxes, blankets and hats that we made for the hospital stillbirths and the nurses loved them they were so greatful. They said that everyone forgets about their mom and baby unit (at the hospital I work at) because most people send their donations to the childrens hospital in town. It felt so good to do something good and the nurses were beyond excited, their faces lit up and she kept saying, you dont know what it means to these women to have these. To avoid my crying hormones, I smiled and said, … I know. and turned around and walked away as they scrummaged through their goodies. Thank God for such a compassionate heart.