I have not been writing what I really feel for the last year because my dear mother had been very sick and she read my blog like a hawk. I loved that. She was battling a very rare and aggressive cancer and I did not ever want it to cross her mind that I was giving up on her fight. I never gave up on her.
Last week On Tuesday March 4th, 2014 (4:32pm) at the sweet tender age of 45, my beautiful mother took her last breath. I do not know how I will survive or go on, or just breathe. Everything hurts. When I look at my phone and see her texts, pictures, her name on Skype, her Facebook, I miss her so bad. My body hurts, my brain hurts. I cannot concentrate. I am 5 months from finishing school and I do not know how I will do this. She was the reason I lived to succeed. Now I have no one to encourage me. She was so proud of me. She was so selfless. the day before she died she asked if I was doing my homework because she was worried that I would fall behind. She was thanking the pastor for taking time away from his family to come see her. She was telling me that she just wanted everyone to know that she was desperate for them to believe in Jesus so they could all see her again. She didn’t complain about her pain, she didn’t complain about dying. I watched the bravest woman ever. There legitimately will never be another woman like her in the world. I hope I live to be just like her. I watched her fight vigorously for 1 year and never stop taking chemo, even though it was not working. She had so much to live for- 2 young daughters and a beautiful 1 year old granddaughter.
Anger, denial…. I dont know. I keep thinking shes just on vacation, she will be back. I keep having nightmares that I am laying next to her on that last day we had together. I keep missing her. I dont want to be a mom, I dont want to be a wife. I just want to be a mourning daughter. But I have to keep going, and it is not fair.
I dont want to eat or drink or see people. I just want to sleep for a very very long time. This is the worst kind of pain. Slowly losing my mother over a year, knowing this day was approaching. Slowly seeing her beautiful body transform into a different sick person.
No one will know. No one will understand. I am 22 and have lost my Father, Mother, and son. How in the world could life be worth living. I know people have had it bad but could anyone really understand the pain?
Every night before bed I pick up my phone and realize that I cannot call my mom to tell her about my day anymore. My best friend. She will not be reading this post. She will not like it, or comment on it. She will not be here to hug me when I cry in bed tonight. What will I do when I’m sick and want her to hold me or when I need someone to believe in me?
I dont need her in heaven. I need her here.
Mom, you were the best mom. I dont believe that you are gone. You were only 45. We were supposed to have the rest of our lives together. We were supposed to go shopping and go on trips and do our hair and exercise together and share my kids, craft, cook…. What happened. Where did it go. I feel so robbed. I feel so lonely. You did everything you could. You never gave up. someone who tried so hard should not be allowed to go. There wasn’t a bad thing about you. We needed more time with you. You were my security. You were my rock. You taught me everything. You never did me wrong. I will miss you. Those are not even enough words to describe how much I hurt. Cancer is ugly and I wish so bad it did not deteriorate you and slowly make your last year intolerable. I wish it was not like this. I dont understand. I am not nearly as strong as I was when I lost Seth. Maybe that has to do with not having you here to support me and put good thoughts in my head. As much as I smile and say I’m good for everyone, I say it because there is no way to explain the emptiness. You were beautiful. I never want to grow old because I don’t ever want to forget one tiny detail about you. There are no words to describe you.
I miss you.
I wish you were reading this.