Category Archives: stillbirth

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for another year.

A healthy life.

A beautiful daughter.

Lessons learned.

 

I am feeling very very stuck in a rut with school. It is depressing. The teachers are hard on us, they look down on us. They demean a lot, it is not professional and as an adult it is hard to deal with. It is hard to keep a smiling face and stay relaxed when you feel like you’re being bullied. I came here to vent it all out and realize that I had a great weekend and am very thankful. I am halfway through school, I just need to chug and plug and really try hard to forget all of the stress that this school places on my life and just do things that make me happy. School is not what the world revolves around… it will be ok. I am an adult, I can handle this like one.

Feeling a sinus cold coming on and its making me feel miserable… as you can tell from my negative Nancy writing, I am burnt out, very badly. No one would know unless they were doing this. I wish certain people could get a taste so they could understand for five seconds.

Thanksgiving was good. I went to grandmas and took Brea. Grandma is not looking so well. Then I went to my mother in laws. Brea had a fun filled- food day. She loved seeing everyone’s dogs lol. I did a photoshoot with my cousin and her boyfriend, it went beautifully.

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I got to spend some time with my sister this weekend. She gave me a little makeover (did my hair and makeup) and I felt so good about myself for a little bit, it was wonderful. She did a little indoor photo shoot of me, it was so nice of her. She did especially good considering shes never shot manual before and she had no natural light and not even any artificial light. She worked that camera! p.s.- she made the jewelry and will be selling it soon, Ill have to post a link when she does, She is sooooo crafty!!!

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It was so nice, I didnt want the long weekend to end.

I only have 3 weeks. 3 weeks and this class will be over, I will get a 2 week break, and then Ill have a 2 month clinical rotation.

Christmas is almost here!

Brea is almost 1 !

I cant believe how fast this year flew. How many ups and downs there were. It has just been a blessing to have another year to experience all that I have, no matter how annoyed I am at school or people or situations, I have been blessed.

Thank Jesus for more time with my family. I have been given everything I need. I just need to open my eyes and make the right decisions towards happiness.

Lately I have been missing Seth a lot. I suppose it is Christmas to blame. Another year without my baby. He would have been 2 years and 3 months on Christmas day. Our 3rd Christmas without him, Our first with Brea. What would life have been like with a boy? Im not sure. But none of my friends understand. None of them wonder. It’s ok, It is not everyone’s story, and I certainly don’t want it to be. I guess its around Christmas that turmoil can stir and it makes you think about how much you life has changed. Your personality, your family, your entire life. Hopefully one day it will turn into something good…

well thats enough for tonight. I need to get ready for bed so Im half rested for school tomorrow.

love,

night.

 

A Growing Girl.

You can tell when I come back to my blog and when I need it because I write like a maniac about how I can’t keep going lol.

School is getting more intense. I am now in my acoustic physics class and DYING to pass this so I can get on with everything. The book work surprisingly comes way easier than the scanning, but all in time, scanning can be learned.

Above all, I love my daughter more than scho0l. I wish I could spend time with her but I really want to finish this so I can support her with everything she could ever want. When I look at her she melts my heart. She is so cute and so lovable. Im already getting sad that she is getting bigger and wants me to hold her less. I just want to squeeze her all day long (even if she does puke or poop all over me).

Father’s day was fine until today. I sort of broke down a little after class, on my way to work.  I of course miss my daddy. You see all over facebook pictures of people’s dad’s. I wish I could see him again and have him hold Brea…

I miss Seth. Seth is the little man who first made my husband and I parents. He is the little guy who made our worlds, made us happy, made us cry, made us who we are.  He led me down this path of ultrasound. He gave me hope to move on with my future even when it seemed like nothing else was going to work for me. This month Brea will be 6 months. Seth would have been 21 months… Almost 2 years old. My little boy who I desperately wanted first…. I cannot believe it… Two years, where did the time go? it seems like just yesterday my life changed.

I remember finding out that I was pregnant, it was a scary moment. Soon after that, it was the best moment. Ill never forget the 8 long months that I knew my son, it was the best 8 puking months of my life!

If you wonder how I am getting through physics or how I am getting through this awful school load and work and baby managing… it is because of my son (and daughter), mom, and dad. These people gave me a reason to live. Gave me a reason to keep going. I just want to do something to make a difference in people’s lives, and most importantly- I want to do this because I want to remember Seth. I want to remember and relive every second I had with him…

No one knows until they have lived it. They think scanning is all fun and games till you experience real life. They think life is all fun and games until they experience moments…. Moments that change your life. That moment when a complete turn around happens in your mind. If you dont make the turn around positive, It will consume you with an awful depression.

Of course I still get upset when people yell at me or get disappointed in me, mostly because of what I have gone through, I just dont want to feel hurt anymore. I have learned to get over it and try to move on. I must make myself happy and do the right thing.

I guess I figured if I could not get encouragement at this moment for this class then I wanted to make it on my own and remind myself why I am doing this.

This is my encouragement. This is my love . <3.

besides all of my ranting— about Brea

-she can babble to anyone for hours. She grabs her feet all of the time. She scratches everything all of the time (bed, skin, shirts… idk it is weird). She tries so hard to crawl but cant. She holds her bottle till it falls out of her hand lol. She can sit up with support, almost by herself. She knows when  she is talking to mamma. She can scoot out of her chair and onto the floor. She has 2 animal blanket rattle things lol, a monkey and zebra- she LOVES those things. She loves her sing-a-ma-jigs, she laughs when they sing and she tries to eat their noses. She pushes away from me when I hold her except when she is tired first thing in the morning or sick. She hugs me when she is tired. She always welcomes kisses with an open mouth :). She is getting some meat on her and is sooo beautiful.

I love this girl :D.

some news

So today starts a VERY long 10 weeks. Yesterday when I went to my perinatologist they did an ultrasound and the tech said that everything was looking good. the baby still had her head enveloped and smooshed against my placenta lol, but at least she is head down again. She was 3 lbs 5 oz and 15.9 in long. I will be 30 weeks in a couple of days. Im excited but now Im very nervous because they told me that my blood pressure has slowly been rising in my logs and that they think it is best for me to not continue working. They are specialists, this is their job to make me and the baby stay healthy… but its hard to accept. So starting today Im not working until after delivery. I cried last night before bed, I cried when I woke up today, and I cried when Steven called me. Financially it is scary (I took out short term disability hoping to use it for the baby but now, if I even get accepted, it will be all used up by the time the baby gets here).  What is keeping me sane is the fact that this is my favorite season, my daughter is on her way, and I have a ton of cleaning and preparing to do. What is driving me crazy is, now I have to limit my baby spending, which is my favorite thing to do- baby shop.

Sometime this week I have to complete yet ANOTHER 24 hour urine test to look at my kidney’s and the effect my blood pressure is having on my body (that sucks). Everything is going to be all smooshed into weekly slots now because I see my specialist every Monday and my OB every Thursday until the end.

So I guess the point of me staying home is to lessen my anxiety and my blood pressure so I will try to do my hypnobirthing a little bit every day and keep calm. In 4 weeks, it will be the the same amount of weeks in which I lost Seth. That is going to be hard to cope with. Tip-toeing past every day  from that point, wondering if we’re going to make it.

I feel so guilty for not working because Im not sick, Im just pregnant with high blood pressure. I hope my husband does not feel burdened but I hope too that work continues to pile up for him. He loves to work. He told me the other day that he is glad that work has picked up because it makes him feel like a man and he is glad to be busy. I pray that he gets a full 40 hours of work every week through the end of this medical leave I have to take.

There are jobs I can try to get at the hospital like sitting jobs (sitting with the elderly and baker acts) but if I am being paid by my employer then I am not on FMLA like my specialist requested and they can refuse treatment and my insurance can refuse payment. :(….

I just feel like poop not doing anything productive but I promise to keep up with the housework, finish all of the baby projects I started, and take good care of myself daily now. This will eventually end and I will eventually have my job to go back to, Thank the Lord.

Its almost November :-O…. oh my word, this baby will be here soon.

Happy first birthday; to the man of my life

365 days. 1 year has flown by since Seth was born. He would have been 1 year old today.

I have A LOT of anxiety today. I woke up at 2am and had super bad heartburn and could not sleep, I sat up in  bed till about 4 for reliefe. I have been super super super paranoid about baby brea moving, I have not felt a strong crazy moving from her since a few days ago (even with a coke in hand). after much praying she barely kicked this morning and it was enough to relieve my hyperventilating anxiety.  she moves but not a lot. Im going to talk to the doctor next week about it.

Sunday went better than I expected. Probably because no one noticed that Seths birthday was coming up and of course no one remembers that he was born on a Sunday except for our family. No one mentioned him. I wanted people to at least remember him, but I did not want to be asked about him.

Seth, you are my first child, my first son, and the first time I was ever given the opportunity to love someone SO much that I almost jumped out of my skin. I never knew how much love could be felt just by having a child. It is unspeakable. It is amazing. I cry because I miss you, because I wish I could have stopped it, because I miss the dreams I had for you, and because I see everyone else with their almost 1 year olds and just want to fall apart. You have consumed my life and thoughts and have dictated this pregnancy. Everything I do, I think of how different it would be if you were here. I have nothing planned for your first birthday but I wish I did. I wish it was grand. (sounds crazy but I wanted to take a cruise to be away so I could make this day happy for you, but Im too far along to climb aboard according to the lines). I hope it is a beautiful day in heaven. I hope the angels are singing and you get a break from your homework 🙂 and all the 1 year olds come over to your nursery so you can all play harder than you have ever before. Grandpa Strait and great grandpa strait can visit you and tell you sweet stories about mommy. I can hear them laughing now. Its such a beautiful sound.

I heard the pastor preach on heaven and hell this week at church and he said all the things I ever wanted to say in the most perfect way. Why do I believe in heaven? 1. because my mommy told me so. Mom and dad taught me everything there was to know in the bible that spoke of heaven because I wanted to know. i remember at 4 asking momma and dad every question I could think of and they both sat down with me and like a grown up told me the straight up truth. 2. because my heart tells me so. Part of me died the day you did Seth and I felt the tug of heaven. I felt it in my grasp. I felt you leave my arms and go rest in Jesus’. I have felt this way about my own daddy after he died but you led me up to the gates and went on without me, like the big boy you are. I feel it in my heart. 3. My savior tells me so.  “In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you” john 14:2. I believe that what God says is true. He would not have lied just for fun. In fact, you cannot catch Jesus in a lie ANYWHERE in the Bible, so why would he start with what he says here?

I miss everything about you. You felt so perfect in my arms. You were warm and chunky and so beautiful. You were a baby in my arms. I was a mom holding her son.

Dont forget me. One day we will meet, I wonder how old you will be then. Daddy and I miss you. I remember how family like it was 365 days ago. How close we drew together to plan your funeral. You were the closest thing we had to having everything.

I will never forget you. I cant believe it has been a year. You are precious.

 

The year that has brought me here

Today is Sunday. September 23, 2012.

These next few days are going to be rough ones.

Seth was born on September 25th, 2011 (this year it falls on Tuesday) on a gloomy Sunday morning like today.

I have been avoiding writing- in fear of history repeating itself, in fear of remembering what I felt that day, in fear of facing the truth that my son would have been 1 whole year old. 1 year.

I remember that morning. I woke up around 7 when the nurses shift changed (I was happy, I loved my day nurse). I had been contracting for 16 hours. Around 8 or 9am my water broke and my father in law had left for church while my sister, mother, mother in law, and husband, sat around me with saggy black eyes. we just sat their quiet ALL morning. While those at church were praying for a speedy delivery, I did just that, delivered my baby boy with no problems at 11:30.

Wow it has been a year. what do babies do at 1 year old? What would he have looked like? In the year I think I have hardened my heart to some bitterness because time grows further away from that moment when I met Seth. I notice that I am not so angry at pregnant women but I have less tolerance. I am more aggravated by people who talk about their children.

Life will not be normal. Brea will not bring Seth back. I miss him so dearly. All I can do is really be strong. I cant do anything else as these next few days come. They will drag but fly. Im tired. I dont want to cry today but I have been so emotional. I chalk it up to being very pregnant.

There will be flowers at church today for Seth’s birthday. Will people notice? does anyone care? Today is just as important to me as it was a year ago. Its all about my baby boy. I dont want people to forget. His birthday is much more important than mine.

Im going to listen to the heart monitor and get in the shower. (the baby has been really quiet this morning).

Another week down

Ok… so I have been struggling the last few days. People are having their baby’s around here and I know that I have plenty of time left but its making me so nervous. For some reason in the past 48 hours I can just close my eyes and smell the hospital room, feel the gown that I was wearing, and see myself breathing. I told Steven last night, I love Brea (I think this is what we are going with for her name) but it does not fill the void of having a son. Nothing will fill that void but I feel like a boy would make me so happy. Brea will make me happy… Im just still mourning Seth.

I thought maybe I was having a UTI so I called the doctor. We discussed my (VERY mild and intermittent) symptoms and I discussed how terrified I am to take any medication because during the last pregnancy I had a yeast infection for the ENTIRE pregnancy and finally the birthing center gave me a pill to take, they said it would start working in 24 hours. That day that I took the pill was the last time I felt Seth move. The nurse on the phone said “Oh honey, that pill is never recommended for pregnancy, I dont know why they gave that to you, we would never give you anything that would harm the baby. (she then prescribed an antibiotic that Im not going to take because I think its just my pregnancy and no infection).

My heart sunk. I feel so guilty now. I feel so angry. Almost a year after my son was born, I find out that this could have been the reason for his death. I put my trust in these women I was seeing, this birth center completely tried to make me feel like I had power, like I could make decisions, Yet they could not make a good decision for me. I want the whole place to shut down. I was told that other people have heard horror stories of babies dying from the center but yet I had never been able to find any facts that coincided with those statements… I cannot  believe it. There is nothing I can do now and the birth center will still continue to treat women….. Wow. Talk about guilt and paranoia. Now I REALLY dont want to take any meds (and I always get a lot of infections during pregnancy). Im just aggravated.

I hope this week goes fast. I need this pregnancy to hurry up so I can see this baby, Im tired of being scared and anxious and crying every day… always wondering if today is the last day that I will know you.

21st birthday

Ive been busy lately, its nice cause it makes time go by faster.

My 21st birthday was this week on Tuesday. It was great. My husband took the day off and just drove me around and stopped wherever I pointed lol. We stopped at Seth’s grave and talked for a little while.  Then we went to dinner at a steakhouse and it was WONDERFUL. I had a great time. The girls at work got me a cake too yesterday :).

Ive been thinking about a lot lately….

having our own home with some room,

starting school (I cant wait to wear those scrubs and get to ultrasounding!!!!!)

shaving my legs is like being blind and holding your breath while playing a sport… IMPOSSIBLE

Seth’s 1 year birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. I cant believe a year ago we had the worst day of our lives. It was amazing to meet my son and tragic under the circumstances. I never thought a year after saying goodbye to my son, I would be half way through another pregnancy with a baby girl on the way. I never thought we would be where we are. Seth made us special people. I miss him so much. It hurts.

It will be harder later this month. I just cant believe it has been a year, it has gone by so fast. It was like I held him yesterday!